Haven't told my BFF

Blsd4given · September 2012

My immediate family (minus bro) knows we plan to adopt. They also know we're considering foster-to-adopt. My husband's parents know the same things. My BFF knows nothing of it. She knows we were TTC and struggling. She knows in a very vague manner that we recently received bad news regarding conceiving a bio child. She doesn't know what that news is. (That my only option is DE IVF. In fact, noone but these forums and my blog know that last tidbit. I know I need to tell our families at least... But it's a hard topic to bring up. If they ask how things are going, I'll tell them.)

Anyway... Back to my BFF. She's been great about trying to understand what's going on with us TTC. But I hesitate to tell her that we are considering foster-to-adopt/adoption from foster care. She's had quite a few cases with DCFS. In fact, her most recent case is in the process of closing. So, I'm really not sure how she'll handle it or view what we're doing. (Although, she may be slightly happy because it means we're licensed to help with her kids if need be) Will we not do it because of how she feels? Of course not... But it still bothers me how she might react.

Any thoughts on how to bring it up delicately?

IRR · September 2012

A little confused. What does your BFF do for a living? Why are your infertility issues something you need to bring up with her delicately? Am I missing something? Not sure I have the whole picture to provide advice yet.

Dr.Loretta · September 2012

I agree with the pps. You don't need to tell anyone the details of your IF unless you feel comfortable doing so. Some people are very open about it, others not so much. There are a lot of people in my life who don't know the details of our IF struggles.

As for your BFF, I'd just tell her. More often than not, the anticipation is worse than the actual event. I was SO worried to tell MIL about our adoption plans, but a positive attitude on our part made it a very positive conversation all around, and she reacted very well.

I'd say plan for the worst and expect the best. She has to have seen some good with the bad in her position.

jillianmb · September 2012

Is your BFF a social worker? I have a friend who is a social worker and I think I can understand what you're saying; my friend has a very jaded view of the system/fostering/families in the system etc., so I can imagine her reaction to anyone doing foster-to-adopt would be laced with all the terrible experiences she's had. Is that the kind of thing you're worried about?

jillianmb · September 2012

NariaDreaming:
jillianmb:
Is your BFF a social worker?nbsp; I have a friend who is a social worker and I think I can understand what you're saying; my friend has a very jaded view of the system/fostering/families in the system etc., so I can imagine her reaction to anyone doing fostertoadopt would be laced with all the terrible experiences she's had.nbsp; Is that the kind of thing you're worried about?
I read it as the BFF has been investigated/possibly has her kids removed temporarily by DCFS

Ohhhh okay. I re-read it and now I am seeing that too. At first I read "her kids" as the kids whose cases she was on.

In that case- OP that is a tough situation and don't really have advice, but I do wonder about your statement that you and DH could help with her kids.... not sure that would be the best situation bc if you had to report anything it would be hard on you to ruin your friendship. I see a huge conflict of interest there.

elissaann26 · September 2012

At first, I assumed along with Jillian that your BFF was a social worker. And then I also ditto Jillian's comments.

If she has had been investigated, then I would be very hesitant to care for her children. Visitation and such that is dictated by the court is very strict. I think it would be hard to tell your BFF that she can't come over to your house because she can't see her kids except on *insert day* and *insert time*. I definitely wouldn't want to be in that position.

But I also agree with PP that maybe you should just tell her that you are adopting and leave it at that for now.

Blsd4given · September 2012

Sorry for the lack of clarity. It was a quick post and run.

She has has several cases against her.. As well as the threat of removing her kids. The most recent case within the last few months.

MH and I both agree that taking in her children would ruin our friendship and be a bad idea... Even though I love them dearly. During the last case, when the CW asked who could possibly take the kids, she threw me out there unbeknownst to me. Afterward, she said that if they asked, I'm nonrelative kinship. Thats why I mentioned she might be happy that we are licensed...for her own benefit. If it ever happened, it would be horrifically difficult to navigate what to do and how to handle it. And, I agree about the confusion from the kids... That would be...wow.

As for why I would tell her the details about my IF... I guess it's just because I feel like she would feel boxed out if I didn't. Shes never dealt with IF... But shes tried to be supportive.

The concept of just telling her adoption is good...except she is going to wonder whats up if we have a foster child that isn't legally free yet.. And is then RU'd with their parents. Legally free in my area is hard to find.. So, it's likely that we may have to foster first.

Dr.Loretta · September 2012

If she has no IF experience, IMO that's even more reason to not go into detail. You've chosen adoption to build your family, in part because of IF issues. The end.

I'm of the opinion telling her you're doing FA is going to be better than her being blindsided. IMO it might also be a good idea to make it clear you aren't taking her kids, as that would ruin your friendship and make things infinitely too complicated.

Want a personalized experience?

Haven't told my BFF

Re: Haven't told my BFF

Choose Another Board

Search Boards