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3rd Trimester
Opinion/observation about trying to force little kids to hug/kiss people they don't know
A family gathering made me think of this. DD takes a bit to warm up to people she's never met or doesn't see that often, yet MIL or DH or someone always tries to force her to hug and kiss to which she screams and backs away and is yelling "no! no!". I don't know what to say because I don't want to insult someone and say not to make DD hug them, but in my opinion, it is more embarrassing and awkward for the person to stand there while someone is trying to force a kid to show them affection and th kid wants no part. I am all about making sure DD says hello and goodbye and please or thank you for anything, but I never force her to hug or kiss someone. I have my little sprinkle lunch coming up this weekend and it's a lot of older relatives..some o whom I haven't seen since before DD was born and I have a feeling my mom is going to try this 
What is your opinion? Do you force the issue or just le your LO do what is motor table for them?
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Re: Opinion/observation about trying to force little kids to hug/kiss people they don't know
I think forcing a child to hug or kiss someone they may not want to is a poor way to teach children acceptable boundaries and selfadvocacy.
I think so, too. And I hate when people do the guilt trip thing with kids..."oh look how sad Auntie is, you won't hug her and she's gonna cry"
I believe in validating DDs feelings. She tends to be shy around people she doesn't know well, and I don't force her to hug/kiss anyone. I don't care if it's Grandma & Grandpa, or just someone at the grocery store. I do encourage her to be polite and say hi, but if she doesn't want to get close, i don't make her.
I think it's important for her to realize that her feelings are valid and to listen to her inner voice. I believe these are important building blocks to a self aware and self confident teen/adult. Just my $0.02.
EDIT: A BIG pet peeve of mine is my inlaws always try to guilt me into "making" her hug them. and I really don't believe in making her for the above mentioned reasons. I stand up to them and it makes me so mad that every.single.time i have to stand up to them over this issue. "but I'm her Grandmaaaaa/paaaa" yup and she doesn't know you. grrrrr
This
Agree 100%!
When DD doesn't want to hug/kiss someone, I just always say, "OK maybe later." And leave it alone!
I never force any greeting. It's tough when you walk into a room or someone "new" approches. With people she loves (my dad, DH's mom, etc) and knows well, I do make her give a proper goodbye. I use "hugs and kisses" as the term, but it is really about the goodbye. The only reason it is ever "forced" (and I use the term lightly) is because when she is refusing it is a game, or because she definitely has come to the conclusion "if I don't kiss you, you can't leave". Which is sweet but not true. She even did it to me today because she didn't want me to go to a doctors appointment.
Ultimately though, no, I would never force my child (in reality) to hug or kiss anyone she didn't want to, especially upon greeting them initially. I don't even make her say hi if she is being shy. If someone can't understand a child being shy, it is their problem.
When my children are old enough to be taught manners, they will say at least "hello" to someone that is not a total stranger; shyness would be no excuse in our family.
BUT. When someone wants a hug or kiss, I will not force any of our children to do that. I remember a few weeks ago, I saw a little girl that is about 2.5 that I hadn't seen in about 3 or 4 months. I asked her if I could have a hug (I was her daycare teacher), and she shyly said no, and I totally understood. She probably didn't remember me. I don't condone children being overly friendly with people they don't remember (or know for that matter).
OP, I would talk to your mom before hand, telling her that it's a little strange to make someone hug or kiss someone when they don't remember or know or want to hug or kiss that person.
ETA: the bolded part.
I can't bold (phone bump) but I especially agree with the last sentence!
I don't hug or kiss people I don't know, why would I make my child do it? As far as family member that he DOES know, I wouldn't make him return any affection, but if someone wants to steal one, I'm not going to complain about it. My nephew is 17 months, and he won't hug or kiss me goodbye. .He'll throw me kisses, but he thinks it's funny to not let me say goodbye. It's like a game to him. I always just cover him with little kisses and hugs while he giggles, and then he throws me them back. If he got upset about my attempts to steal kisses, i would back off. Forcing unwanted physical contact just sounds awful to me. If your kid is screaming and clearly scared, something's wrong.
I think this is a parenting thing that you and H need to discuss and agree on. Explain your feelings on the matter, listen to his, and decide how you want to teach your daughter to handle situations like this. Your husband might have valid reasons for having her give hugs and kisses, but maybe there's a way to teach her this that you could all be comfortable with.
This! I think hugs/kisses should not be forced, but general politeness should (at the correct age of course). Letting a child get away with not saying hello is not something I'm willing to reinforce. My family was raised with very strong manners. If someone new walks into the room you don't wait to introduce yourself, you walk over, look them in the eye and shake their hand. (Obviously the someone new would be in a room full of people you already know.) I can't tell you how many friends (and my husband) appreciated this strong welcome when they first met my family. Literally everyone person to meet my family has commented on this and how welcome they felt immediately.
This is the controversial piece because a lot of kids don't naturally want to do this, and I watch my aunt and uncle force my cousins to get up off the couch and greet people- it took time, effort, and sometimes a struggle, but I think worth it in the end. As a parent you definitely come off a a jerk- forcing your kid to say hello when they don't want to? I don't think anyone, parent or child, likes this learning process. But to teach good manners you have to stay consistent and not back down. I will be doing the same with my children despite the unpopularity of it. Again, this applies to greetings NOT hugs/kisses. I think physical affection should NOT be forced.
Thanks everyone, just wanted to make sure it wasn't only me that felt this way and was overreacting or anything. I was/am super shy and I used to hate that my mom would always say "Make sure you give all the aunts kisses" when we went somewhere. I felt so awkward going up to someone I hardly saw. I didn't want to put the same thing on DD. DH only does it with his relatives (grandparents, cousins, etc.), not total strangers or anything. I think it just doesnt occur to him to think of it being awkward for DD b/c he isn't a shy person at all, I don't think he has bad intentions with it. I do always tell her to say hi and bye and please or thank you if she wants something. Most of the time if you don't crowd her she will come around to you on her own in her own time.
I will talk to my mom tonight and just remind her casually how DD may be a little shy tomorrow because she hasn't met many of the people and can get clingy with me and that should take care of it hopefully. Thanks for all of your opinions
I tell my son you have to say hello & goodbye I do not force hugging and/or kisses. Most of the time he does it on his own because he wants to.
But there are have a few times he doesn't have to give hugs to family members and I tell him that's okay.
We don't make it a big deal either way. I know it hurts my dads feelings, but I have told him (when my son isn't around) that it's his body and they are his feelings and he is only 2.5. He is at an age where we need to show him what he thinks and feels is important, even if we don't really like it all the time. They are hugs & kisses - not the end of the world.
Heck no! I'd never force DS to hug/kiss someone. He's his own person, not to mention it's not like it makes the situation better when you force it. How would you (meaning anyone, not you specifically
) feel if someone forced you to show physical affection? It definitely makes a bigger deal out of it than need be and it's awkward all around. If the adult in question doesn't understand that sometimes kids just don't want to kiss/hug then that's their problem :shrug:
If you think it's going to be a problem then I'd either talk to your mom about it beforehand or if she actually tries it just squash it by saying, "she doesn't feel like it right now. Maybe she'll want to later, but until then let's not force the issue". Maybe you could even suggest an alternative to DD like asking if she'd rather just wave hi or give a high five or something that may seem more fun to her.
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To me it's about respecting them and not being 'cold' towards them, even if it's not intentional. I wouldn't expect it with any other relatives though. But most of my aunts and uncles would just scoop up LO and steal a hug regardless of how LO reacts.
I would never force DD to hug or kiss anyone she was not comfortable with, but more than that even, if I did try to force her, she's 2.5 y/o, she's not doing anything she does not want to do. Ha.