Would you have a friend be your "Doula"?

jinnymb · September 2012

In my quest to figure out how we want to approach our natural birth this time, I was asking for recommendations for Doulas. In case we decide to go this route.

I got a few, but also one of my friends said she would absolutely love to assist. She is not a Doula, but lives a very natural lifestyle, did the Bradley Classes etc.. She also helped her sister in her natural birth who is also a good friend.

I would trust that she would be knowledgable and useful, but is that a bad idea mixing friendship with "business" per say?

I don't know how I feel about someone I actually know well being there, I know that sounds backwards really. I don't know if DH would go for it, cause he wouldn't let my mom in the room. lol.

annabelle.27 · September 2012

Personally, no. I feel for me that childbirth is a private moment for the new parents and medical staff. I refused having family or friends at either of my births, even though my mom kept suggesting that she be there. I personally couldn't imagine having anyone other than my husband there. And midwives :

wifeofadam · September 2012

Yes. My BFF is my doula. She's certified and an actual doula. But I'm not worried about having a lot of people I know at my birth. My last one was a party and I had about ten friends and family int he room while I was pushing (homebirth).

I "doula-ed" for one of my friends a month or so ago and it was pretty hard. I'm not trained as a doula and found it difficult to separate my personal feelings from what I needed to do as a doula. I mouthed off to the doctor that was treating her poorly and also was at a loss for words during transition because I just wanted to cry with her.

I think if it's going to be a friend, make sure they know what they are doing.

RockyMtnMama · September 2012

Doulas were not so popular 6 years ago when I had my first, but I had 2 friends and my sister there for me the whole time. It was wonderful and my DH (who took Bradley classes with me, but was a little hesitant to have so many people helping out at first) even said after the birth, "How do first time parents get through labor without help from a whole team of friends?! That is tough work for both the mom and dad!"

With my second, I had 2 friends there to be my "doulas" with DH and the midwives and with this third I'll have my sister and DH (I'd have more, but my closest girlfriends live far away now). It's a great experience to share and didn't diminish the special moment for DH and I together at all!

ETA: One of the friends who attended my first birth is now a doula and from all our sharing of experiences, I've now been able to attend 4 additional births of friends and one virtual birth (via skype).

danienross · September 2012

We're planning our first home birth and I have a friend acting as my support person in place of my husband (he's deployed and is likely to miss the birth). She is not certified but I wanted someone I knew and was comfortable with since I most likely won't have DH there.

Temp76535187505890 · September 2012

Personally, no, I would not. Like a pp said, to me it is a very private experience that I didn't wish to share with friends or family. We did, however, have a doula who has later become a friend but wasn't at the time. It's hard to explain how I'm ok with near strangers sharing the intimate experience but not family or friend.

KelliLynee · September 2012

My BFF was a LD nurse at the hospital I delivered DD 1 at and she was with me through that labor, although I had pitocin an epi. She no longer does LD and I delivered in a more naturalbirth friendly hospital for DD 2 but I asked her if she would be there for this birth. Luckily she was able to be there and was such a great support for DH and I. Now, she's obviously experienced in childbirth and is a mom herself, but I would have asked her no matter what.
I would recommend writing up a birth plan well in advance, and discussing it with your friend. Discuss with her the reasons for your decisions, and be sure she understands and is on the same page. Also stress that what you'll be going through is normal, and what you expect of her. It was really awesome to have her there, and to have four extra hands there to support me, instead of two.

Celyn · September 2012

While studies show that merely having continual labor support from anyone - friend, family, doula - greatly influences a more positive outcome, I'd personally call friend who are doulas rather than my BFF, simply because I'd want their expertise more than their emotional support. I think it's very much a personal decision though and depends on the kind of support you'll find most helpful.

chronoptomist · September 2012

I think it really depends on the friend and your type of relationship. I have a good friend who is an azz-kicking, take no prisoners, Gillian Michaels is a wimp type who would have been our doula if we weren't having a home birth with a midwife and nurse. She would represent me well and is very matter of fact and unemotional about things and I would trust her completely.

Now when my sister and I were born, my aunt was the L&D nurse. I do not see how my mother let her step sister do that not once, but twice! No way. Of course I'm sure she was great (she was there for 30 yrs and was the head nurse), but NO.

Sawyerplus1 · September 2012

I think you and your friend would both have to be clear in your expectations for the birth. If you want someone who will have lots of tips and tricks for pain management, focus, massage, etc, then a doula may be your best bet. If you want your friend there b/c you're close and feel their personal relationship with you plus their personal experience will be support enough, then that could work. Make sure you know what your friend can/is willing to offer, and how that compares to what you may want from a doula, and go with what YOU want/need for labor and delivery.

Personally, I've only ever had my DH at our births, and if I wanted someone there who could offer me what a doula does, then I'd go with a doula over a friend. But I also dont have any super close girlfriends I could even imagine having at my births. Alternatively, I plan to one day train to be a doula and childbirth educator, so I've already told some friends that if and when they have kids and want another support person, I'd love to be there for them.

LindseyJW · September 2012

yes, i had two "doula" friends. one is an actual doula. the other is an OB nurse with a past homebirth. i was so grateful for them both being there. having now had one with and one without, i will never plan another birth without a doula.

LadyMadrid08 · September 2012

I wouldn't pay a friend to do it unless she was a trained professional, but if she had been around birth and I felt comfortable in her ability to support me I would probably be fine having her there.

My mom was my doula last time around and will be with us again this time. She is trained as a doula though she doesn't work as one anymore.

mommytoconnor · September 2012

I would say no. I find it very difficult for friends to separate themselves from what they are there to do. I think if you want to have a Doula then find an actual doula. otherwise it's just another friend in the room to watch you give birth and if that's what you want then great. I personally agree with a previous poster that childbirth is a very personal thing between a mother and father and I myself wouldn't want extra people there.

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