My SM hates me
wwnbw
member
My SM is the most evil woman to ever walk the face of the earth. She has been mean to me my whole life. I lived with my dad and they met when I was 5. When I was older I wasn't the best child but I was a child. Since I have grown up I have been home once. She didn't come to my wedding, baby showers, or even the birth of my children. She was invited to all of these events. My daughter is 6 and she has seen her three times but never even looked her direction.
Anyway my aunt is having Thanksgiving at her house and she is going to be there. It's only the 4th year that my family has done a huge get together. The first year my SM wasn't there, 2 years ago we both went and it was so akward. I went and tried to talk to her and be nice and she said hello but didn't say another word...she turned and walked off, and then last year I couldn't find it in myself to go because of her. I HATE that she can't at least acknowledge my kids. My family asked why I didn't go and I just made up something....as much as I don't like her it really hurts. I don't understand why this woman can't like me. Would you go this year? I need to know if I should put my big girl panties on and ignore her or just not go.
You might ask where my dad is in all of this? He doesn't have the balls to say anything to her. He only txts me real late at night and brings my sister to see me every now and then but not often.
Re: My SM hates me
However, have YOU approached her about these issues. It sounds like she doesn't know her place and shuts down. you are a grown up and are allowed to kindly confront her. Explain your side and see how it goes. She might feel that if you hated her as a teen you will always hate her do she has put up a wall. Or she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be involved with your kids. And you know what, that's ok tooat that point you move on.
I would so go and pretend she wasn't there and enjoy the family around you that love you and are happy to see you.
I would never make another attempt with her again. She'd be invisible to me.
Go only if you really want to see everyone else and they are loving, accepting, and good family to you. Forget her and move on.
I personally wouldn't approach her. You won't get a satisfactory answer from her. I learned this the hard way!
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, FWIW, I've had some similar experiences with MY MOTHER. When I approached her she denied any of it ever happened.
You need to learn to get grounded in yourself and not care what others do or say. Now this is MUCH easier said than done and it works for me after years of counselling.
If you are at a stage where you cannot attend because the feelings it brings up in you are so strong then it is not a bad thing to admit that and not attend. Do something really nice for you and your family that day instead.
You have to realise that these are your feelings and not your SMs, and it will stand to you and greatly improve your life if you find a good counsellor and deal with them.
I was at a point where all my mother had to do was walk into a room and I wanted to literally punch her. Every time she made a remark about me (or in your case your SM ignores you) years of pain and rejection came flooding back to me and I literally couldn't be around her.
After dealing with all of the hurt and pain in counselling and learning to like and ?forgive' myself (because I to believed I was not a great child and had somehow contributed to her craziness) I am now at a point where I can absolutely be around her. She hasn't changed one bit, I have. I've let go of all the hurt and pain. She can say what she likes today and I literally roll my eyes and think to myself there she goes again.
You can go to this dinner if you really want to. BUT you have to be prepared for your SMs slight to open wounds that goes all the way back to when you were 5 years old. You can manage it by a) having no expectations of her (she was a biter biotch then and she still is today) so she won't suddenly rush in and hug you and dote on your children and b) having some coping mechanisms in place, when you feel that awful gut wrenching feeling breathe deeply, step outside if you have to, call a friend and tell her how you are feeling and have her remind you how awesome you are and always were and C) prearrange with your DH that when you look at him a certain way he will stand straight up and say ?we need to get going' and you all leave.
Best of luck and remind yourself ?every child has an absolute right to be loved and made feel secure'. You were the child and your SM denied you that AND (sorry to have to point out) your father allowed it to happen. I'm truly sorry that that happened to you. If you choose to go to this dinner walk in with your head held high knowing that you would NEVER do that to a child. This woman does not deserve a relationship with you so do not go her looking for one. Also be glad that your kids do not have a relationship with her there is enough negativity in the world without inviting it into their lives and exposing them to her BS.
I have an awesome life with awesome kids. If we were ever good enough for her she would have some fun years to come. Since not, her loss not theirs. They have plenty of people in their lives who love and adore them.
Don't blame yourself though. I was literally the "perfect child" never in trouble and my sm has still never liked me. I'm sure it's more about hating my mom and wishing I didn't exist on some level but that's HER issue not mine.
Don't let her keep you away from your family. You are an adult with chidren now. You have every right to be there. You don't need to be uncomfortable anymore. I would show up and talk to my family and visit with my family because it's your family. You can be polite and say hello but I wouldn't bother with anything else.
Don't worry about why she can't like you. It probably still bugs you from when you were a child but now she's controlling you as an adult. You father was wrong to have let her act that way and was wrong for having a woman like that in his life. I would stop inviting her anywhere. I would show up to every family function and enjoy myself. Best revenge is living your life and ignoring her. She has no control unless you give it to her. Show up and enjoy.