My midwife: not ready for HB

amberthehobbit · September 2012

I know I don't post here very often or ever but I do lurk and I have to get these feelings out.

My midwife called me today and said she doesn't think I'm ready for home birth and she's concerned I'll transition to the hospital.

I have so many thoughts but mostly I'm sad and angry. She would not give me a straight answer about why she feels I'm not ready. I have been preparing for 4 months for a home birth. She told me to reassess my plan over the weekend and let her know Monday what I decide.

I want a home birth but do I still want to home birth with someone who doesn't think I can?

I'm confused and feel deflated.

KateLouise · September 2012

Ugh, how frustrating for you.

If I was you, I would push her to be very specific about what she is concerned about. If there's a physical/medical issue then she should be explaining it. If she is concerned about how you might approach birth emotionally then that is also very important, and i would want to know specifics.

Is she very experienced in homebirths/births in general? Do you trust her?

I'm a huge believer in a woman being relaxed and confident having a big impact on her birth experience. is it possible your MW sense you might be more comfortable in a hospital setting? Or in someway stressed in the home setting? maybe she sense you feel unsupported by your partner? I don't want you to feel insulted, I'm just trying to guess what your mw might be trying to get at, and obviously I don't know you so am just offering possibilities.

No matter what your mw is thinking I don't see how you can reassess your plan without full knowledge of what she is thinking. It might be that it's difficult for her to completely put her finger on the issue, or that she is afraid to upset you, but essentially it's her job to fully discuss her concerns.

I would consider changing midwives as much because she can't/won't explain herself, but I would still push for details so that you can really consider what she thinks, and move forward.

LaurelBee · September 2012

I completely agree- I think you need closure on her concerns before you make any choices. Even if you switched, I think you'll still be wondering why your first MW was unsupportive, kwim? Hope you get some answers mama. GL

amberthehobbit · September 2012

KateLouise:
Ugh, how frustrating for you.If I was you, I would push her to be very specific about what she is concerned about. If there's a physical/medical issue then she should be explaining it. If she is concerned about how you might approach birth emotionally then that is also very important, and i would want to know specifics.nbsp;Is she very experienced in homebirths/births in general? Do you trust her?nbsp;I'm a huge believer in a woman being relaxed and confident having a big impact on her birth experience. is it possible your MW sense you might be more comfortable in a hospital setting? Or in someway stressed in the home setting? maybe she sense you feel unsupported by your partner? I don't want you to feel insulted, I'm just trying to guess what your mw might be trying to get at, and obviously I don't know you so am just offering possibilities.No matter what your mw is thinking I don't see how you can reassess your plan without full knowledge of what she is thinking. It might be that it's difficult for her to completely put her finger on the issue, or that she is afraid to upset you, but essentially it's her job to fully discuss her concerns.I would consider changing midwives as much because she can't/won't explain herself, but I would still push for details so that you can really consider what she thinks, and move forward.nbsp;

She did say she had a "feeling" I would be more comfortable in a different setting but I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from.

I spoke with my hypnobirthing instructor who feels the complete opposite of my MW and is just as confused as I am as to where this "feeling" is coming from.

I spent last night drafting the email that I'm going to send to her Monday she asked for an email response although I would love to speak with her and I was very clear that she was very unclear about what her concerns are and if she told me what I needed to work on I would.

I initially thought maybe we could move past this but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I will feel comfortable with a midwife who doesn't have faith in me.

ncbelle · September 2012

I would press her for a "why" - and find a new provider. You've got to have absolute confidence in your HB midwife. If she tells you that it's time to transfer - you need to believe that's the right medical choice. On the flip side, you need to know that she will tell you to transfer if it is warranted. You are right that she needs to have as much confidence in you as you do in her! Sorry

vintagejjane · September 2012

ncbelle:
I would press her for a "why" - and find a new provider. You've got to have absolute confidence in your HB midwife. If she tells you that it's time to transfer - you need to believe that's the right medical choice. On the flip side, you need to know that she will tell you to transfer if it is warranted. You are right that she needs to have as much confidence in you as you do in her! Sorry

This.

I'm actually surprised a HB midwife said that! I'm so sorry that she did that. I would definitely find a new MW it's not too late. I would be really upset though if that was said to me by my HB mw. Good luck!! I hope you find someone who can support you!

amberthehobbit · September 2012

Thanks for validating my feelings. At this point I feel rejected, discouraged, deflated, unsupported...and I definitely need to work through that before I can have a successful HB either with her or a different MW.

I feel like she did to me exactly what I didn't want to happen: my health care provider telling me they don't support my birth plan. Is it not similar to a doctor saying you can't have a natural birth, your pelvis is too small? At least then there's a "medical" reason rather than just a "feeling".

Anyway, thanks for your input. I feel validated. I am definitely going to try talk to her on Monday to work out what exactly she's concerned about.

nosoup4u · September 2012

amberthehobbit:
I spent last night drafting the email that I'm going to send to her Monday she asked for an email response although I would love to speak with her and I was very clear that she was very unclear about what her concerns are and if she told me what I needed to work on I would. I initially thought maybe we could move past this but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I will feel comfortable with a midwife who doesn't have faith in me.

So she's not talking to you at all? Why can you only correspond with her via email?

I would find a new provider ASAP, but don't get your hopes up on achieving closure with her. She sounds flaky, at best.

For all the MW love that I have, it's a really sh!!tty thing to do to someone who's 6 weeks out from having a baby. Sorry you're being put in this position. Why didn't she bring up these "concerns" when you were interviewing her? Why can't she give you specific reasons about her "concerns"? Why is the onus on you to prove your "worthiness" without any specifics from her? Why is transferring to the hospital such a horrible thing? I would want a HB MW who is okay with a transfer if the mom wants it - not just for a medical emergency. Helping you have a safe birth, even if that means leaving your home, should be her top priority.

If you're a low-risk pregnancy, then you're okay to have a home birth (but seriously, I would NOT labor with someone who treats their client like this when they aren't in labor! I can only imagine the mind games she would have when you are really vulnerable).

Good luck finding someone else, can your Hypnobirth instructor give you some leads?

Sorry for the rant!

amberthehobbit · September 2012

nosoup4u:
amberthehobbit:

I spent last night drafting the email that I'm going to send to her Monday she asked for an email response although I would love to speak with her and I was very clear that she was very unclear about what her concerns are and if she told me what I needed to work on I would.

I initially thought maybe we could move past this but after sleeping on it I'm not sure I will feel comfortable with a midwife who doesn't have faith in me.
So she's not talking to you at all? Why can you only correspond with her via email?
I would find a new provider ASAP, but don't get your hopes up on achieving closure with her. She sounds flaky, at best.
For all the MW love that I have, it's a really sh!!tty thing to do to someone who's 6 weeks out from having a baby. Sorry you're being put in this position. Why didn't she bring up these "concerns" when you were interviewing her? Why can't she give you specific reasons about her "concerns"? Why is the onus on you to prove your "worthiness" without any specifics from her? Why is transferring to the hospital such a horrible thing? I would want a HB MW who is okay with a transfer if the mom wants it, not just for a medical emergency. Helping you have a safe birth, even if that means leaving your home, is what should be her top priority.
If you're a low-risk pregnancy, then you're okay to have a home birth (but seriously, I would NOT labor with someone who treats their client like this when they aren't in labor! I can only imagine the mind games she would have when you are really vulnerable). 
Good luck finding someone else, can your Hypnobirth instructor give you some leads?
Sorry for the rant!

I appreciate your rant.

I was so upset when she was telling me her "concerns" that I don't think she knew how to respond to me. I don't know what she expected but apparently it wasn't my sobbing.

I am also totally confused about her concern about a hospital transfer. She still gets paid if I transfer. I know it's my decision if I transfer. Why should it have any affect on her?

She's very well respected in the community and has been a MW for 17 years.

My hypno instructor has said she will work with me to find another MW. She has a good relationship with my MW and is very disappointed in her which speaks volumes to me.

I think you ladies are probably right that I don't know that I'll feel supported in my labor at this point but I still intend to tell her hopefully in person or on the phone how discouraged I am so hopefully she takes it and doesn't approach other clients in the same way leaving them feeling...the way I feel.

Celyn · September 2012

Hugs to you. I hope you find a midwife who better suits your needs.

botanicalbliss · September 2012

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this! Honestly, at this point, I would probably try to find a new midwife. I wouldn't be able to work with someone who didn't have faith in me and wouldn't give me specifics when I asked.

Jennifer_4_Jesus123 · September 2012

It is EXTREMELY important that YOU feel comfortable with where you are giving birth as well as who is there with you. If you don't trust your MW, get someone else. I know it's complicated and a pain regardless of how far you are. I trust my MW (she is also my family doctor), but if she said she had a feeling I would be more comfortable elsewhere, I would ask her what was going on and basically force an answer out of her. Especially considering we are not only contracted with her and paying her, but I would rather not waste my money with someone who might be putting too much into a misunderstanding.

If I were you, I would be solid in my answer as to why I want a home birth (or birth in a hospital), so I could argue my case or find someone who would support me. As I said earlier, the mother needs to be comfortable and be able to trust those around her. I would not trust my child to someone who was vague and lacked confidence in me (regardless of the reasons). Once that happens, I don't think I could ever respond to my MW/doctor the same. I would always have that lingering thought/feeling that she doubted me or something.

RockyMtnMama · September 2012

I guess I'm torn - glad she felt ok to tell someone, but also it's totally weird that she just called you up to say this without giving you specifics or letting you know why she thinks that way. Have you been talking about fears or stress a lot at your appts? It's also a total blow that you got and I understand crying at first, but I think part of being assertive and strong for your birth would be to e-mail her and be assertive and tell her two or three times that you have available to talk and that you need to discuss this with her to resolve and possibly find another caregiver. Don't fall into just an e-mail discussion. Good luck.

amberthehobbit · September 2012

RockyMtnMama:
I guess I'm torn - glad she felt ok to tell someone, but also it's totally weird that she just called you up to say this without giving you specifics or letting you know why she thinks that way. Have you been talking about fears or stress a lot at your appts? It's also a total blow that you got and I understand crying at first, but I think part of being assertive and strong for your birth would be to e-mail her and be assertive and tell her two or three times that you have available to talk and that you need to discuss this with her to resolve and possibly find another caregiver. Don't fall into just an e-mail discussion. Good luck.

Here are the fears I have expressed: post-partum depression and preterm labor. Specifically with the preterm labor, because I started having preterm labor symptons at 31 and 1/2 weeks due to a bacterial infection that is now under control. I had to go to the ER and it scared me. I believe that fear is totally justified.

I am feeling more positive today after speaking with my hypnobirthing instructor and a doula (not to mention you ladies) who have all agreed with my reaction and are confused by my MW's approach.

As I said above, I hope to have a converstion with her regarding her concerns. I have already sent an e-mail asking if she has time today to have a conversation and if I don't hear from her I have drafted a lengthy e-mail expressing my disappointment in the way this situation was handled.

I have also left a voice mail with another MW hoping she'll be able to work with me.

Thanks for all of your input ladies. I'll keep you posted!

BrideNamedMeg · September 2012

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

Your midwife should be supportive, not trying to push you into a hospital if you don't want/don't need to be there! I hope you find someone else who will be a better fit - keep us updated!

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