Anxiety over visitors/help

crystalknpp · September 2012

It doesn't matter who the visitors are but I am just so uncomfortable with other people holding, changing, or feeding LO. My mom stopped by today and she was holding him and he was getting really fussy. I told her it sounds like he needs a diaper change and to hand him to me and I'll change him. She kept insisting he was fine and was doing everything but what I asked to try and get him to stop crying. I eventually just snapped at her and took him, changed him, and he stopped crying! I swaddled him and sat down on the opposite couch after I was done and she got mad that I didn't give him back to her.

I know I'm being unreasonable and that I should be open to any help people are willing to give me but I get so stressed at the idea of anyone taking care of Ben but me or DH. My mother and MIL have both offered to come over and stay with him during the day so I can get some sleep and things done around the house that I need to do and I find myself constantly making excuses as to why "today isn't a good day." Is this feeling normal? Has anyone else ever felt this way and if so did it get any better? I could desperately use the occasional nap but I just can't seem to let someone else help out without being a nervous wreck the whole time.

molRN · September 2012

I think it is with in the spectrum of normal to have difficulty accepting help that directly involves letting someone else take care of baby, especially given how "new" you LO is yet. However, I will say this, refusing help and insisting on doing everything yourself is just going to wear you out and make you stress even more because of being tired. It is difficult to trust anyone else but yourself, especially at first, but it is an important thing to do. Trusted family and friends are good people to start with when it comes to stretching yourself and letting others help out a bit at a time. Once you see that LO is fine when someone else changes a diaper (after you give some instruction for how you want it done), for example, it will get eaiser.

Hang in there mamma! It does get easier!

mundayem · September 2012

I totally agree. It is really hard in the beginning to trust others with your baby but it does get easier. And having help is so important. You can't do everything yourself without winding up totally exhausted.

It was hard for me to trust other people with him, but then I reminded myself that these were people I trusted who had raised children themselves. I still have some anxiety about it but its nothing like in the early days. When they are with the baby just tell them the little things you have noticed with his cues. Hopefully they will listen and when you tell them he needs changed they will do it and not blow you off.

I think it's hard for family members, our mothers especially, to listen to us. They think well I've been you mother for decades and you've been a mother for 5 mins so I know more then you. Maybe gently remind them that he is your son and listening to you when you say he needs something will go a long way in your comfort level.

I hope all that made sense. I think some of the tendency to not trust others with the baby could relate to being an ALer too. I think I might be more laid back if I hadn't gone through what I did before having him. In the early days I was even nervous about MH taking care of him. Cut yourself some slack, it will get easier.

WearingRed · September 2012

The only person I feel safe leaving my daughter with is my mom. I left em with MIL for a few hours the other day and when I can back she hadn't even tried to have her potty her in the 4 hours she was there and my potty training daughter had soaked her pull up. Needless to say I was pissed plus she didn't get her one nap or any real food because my MIL doesn't understand what real food is. I don't like let her watch her unless I have no other options. I love my MIL just not as a baby sitter. My mom on the other hand always has my big girl bathed, feed, and clean when its time for me to pick her up. She plays on the floor with her and all and all a better fit except I don't like the fact she doesn't understand why I don't let her watch something and let's her watch shows I don't want her watching but I would rather have a fed and clean child watching tv I didn't want her seeing than a hungry grumpy child who watches only approved programming.

Well I am just saying it gets better but sometimes you just have to let things go.

spincat9 · September 2012

Congratulations on your new arrival!!!

I had similar feelings about others caring for DD in the beginning, and it did get better, for sure. I waited so long to have a baby, part of it for me was a fear that someone would take her and hog her, when I wanted to take care of her because I felt I earned that right. So I realize that must sound neurotic... And that has gotten better!

Bottom line is that you are the mama. You need to do what you are comfortable with, when you are comfortable with it. You might even need to reach that point where you are sooooo tired that you are willing to let it go in order to get some sleep. In your effort to take care of LO, don't forget to take care of yourself. Your baby is resilient. Not everyone will do it exactly like you do, because you are the mama and only you can do it like you do. But as long as you trust someone to keep them safe, the baby will survive a wet diaper, etc.... You might still be nervous, but I bet it will get better. GL!

kaleb87 · September 2012

What you are feeling is completely normal. I was so overwhelmed when we came home from the hospital. It seemed like everyone wanted to come over and see DD and hold her. My MIL came over everyday for a week. I finally snapped, and my husband had to tell her to back off. I wanted this time to bond with my new baby and learn how to be a new mom!
However, I eventually felt comfortable enough with my mom watching her so I could get a nap in. Slowly, but surely it got easier to let others help and hold her. Hang in there! Just do what makes you comfortable and happy.

weddedwife · September 2012

I don't know why people are so clueless, but they are. "Helping" means coming over to do your laundry, bring you food, and clean your house. NOT sit there and hold your new baby. That's YOUR job. Sure, holding him for a few minutes is a nice treat for a visitor, but that is not helping!

Seems like this is status quo for new baby visitors though

Next time someone offers to come over and "help" say something like, "Sure, we could really use a meal that day".

damabo80 · September 2012

He secret is to find someone who you trust to do things "your way".

It sounds like your mom failed that test when she insisted "he's fine" after you suggested he be changed.

But it does get easier once you realize babies aren't these super breakable things. They are pretty durable.

Currently my only requirement for a sitter is that DD get returned to me in about the same condition I left her in. Will she cry? Maybe. She'll survive. Won't be the end of the world.

crystalknpp · September 2012

Thank you girls for making me feel like I'm not crazy! I think a big part of it has to do with being a ALer. I feel like DH and I went through so much to get Ben here that I don't want to share a single moment I have with him with anyone else. I'm also really sick of people, especially my mom and MIL, acting like they don't really have to listen to me because they know more than me about raising children. I'm around him 24/7 and I know much better then they do what his fusses and cries mean.

When I took him from my mom yesterday to change him and then didn't give him back she told me that "I was mean and taking her fun away" and that she might as well just go home. So I said "Ok no problem. Thanks for stopping by." Why is it that when people come over to visit they feel like it's their right to hold him the whole time instead of me? He's MY son!

Anxiety over visitors/help

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