Advise - kids home alone and CO.
sweetdreamz6700
member
OK....so first vent/post/advice seeking rant here. I'll start by apologizing if I get winded here. I'm at a loss as to what to do and could use as much insight as possible.
We have SS1 (9) and SS2 (7) EOW Sun-Sun. The weeks that we have them we work out our schedules so one of us (me) takes them to school and the other (FI) picks them up. We either both have the weekend off or if we have to work we have childcare set up in advance; usually with a grandparent. BM however does not. Sometimes her FI is home w/ them, sometimes a friend/relative is called last minute. Or as we suspected and confirmed this weekend - she leaves them home alone! WTF?!?!
We understand that we have no say in what happens at her house. But c'mon!!! These boys aren't ready to be left alone. Neither of them are close to being that responsible. SS1 melts into his Xbox and plays Halo or COD all day (another issue we have tried discussing to no avail). Sure, could be worse. But its not the greatest either. SS2....well who knows. So SS1, we presume is the "responsible enough to be in charge" one, is preoccupied w/ killing some zombie and doesn't know that SS2 just got hurt, ran down the street etc. It just doesn't sit well with us. Are we being completely irrational in thinking this way?
Both sets of maternal grandparents have offered to watch the boys any time its needed. We as well, have offered additional availability on weekends (with notice, not "I'm on my way") Usually all offers are declined. This weekend grandma picked up the boys b/c she was also concerned about this. BM told her mom that all of us (grandparents, FI and I) are interfering with her parenting style. Well....I'm sorry, but one would have to actually parent thier child to have a style. Parenting IMO isn't sitting your kid down in front of a TV all day. UGH!
The other BIGGEST issue is that there isn't a CO or parenting plan currently in place. Yes, this needs taken care of immediately. I've explained this to FI a million times. Paperwork should be getting picked up this week. We need a plan in place that mentions travel, schools, not leaving kids home alone, etc. FI feels defeated by the courts here and has lost motivation. He loves those boys; its not that he doesn't want to do it for them.
The system here has always been in favor of BM. Long story short she filed a DV on my FI which pretty much cost him his rights to his kids. The charge was completely false - I was on the phone w/ him when it "happened", she was laughing on the phone w/ a family member when the police came. FI had multiple statements from his and her family/friends stating this didn't take place. Judge told FI that he couldn't and wouldn't give him CP rights b/c of this charge regardless of how true it was. FI was never found guilty mind you, but still shows up has accused.
The boys are being left home alone, BM can't hold a job longer than 8 mths, she is getting all kinds of aide from the state and is now talking about adopting a kid. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! Please God, NO! I don't want to give up. There has to be a way to fight this. FI needs to have equal say in how the kids are being raised. And right now everyone, including FI, tiptoes around BM b/c she uses the boys as a weapon taking them away from people that make her mad. Are we just completely effed here? I would think that the right attorney could really make something happen. It would be costly and time consuming for sure. But FI and his dad (who has gone to all the hearings) say that there is nothing that we can do......
Re: Advise - kids home alone and CO.
you need a good attorney and a CO in place asap.
Also, most states have laws about how old kids can be left home alone and for how long. if you suspect the kids are being left home alone an are "underage", have a well child check done on them, for their safety. this might throw BM into a rage though, so be prepared.
What kind of parenting style is leaving a 9 year old and 7 year old alone?
Unfortunately there is no law on school aged childeren. Just guidelines to follow (found online):
This is what King County, Washington, says about it at "The decision to leave your child home alone is a very personal decision that needs to be made based on your feelings and experience with your child. Washington State does not have any laws or rules that say at what age a child can be left home alone. In general, children under 10 should not be left on their own, and babies and younger children should not be left alone even for a few minutes. Here are some questions to ask your self before you leave your child home alone.
And there is NO kind of parenting style in leaving them home alone. Its complete BS and an excuse. Its always an excuse. And I feel so bad for the boys. I would love to call in for a wellcheck....and yes holly; BM would go into a complete rage and then take the boys. FI would be devastated if that happened. I think I'll be researching attorneys in my near future.
The bold. Find an attorney who has experience and has a track record of getting COs that favor the BD, or at least shared parenting. Try to add a first right of refusal clause to the CO (if one parent will be away from the children, the other parent has the first right of refusal to babysit them.)
Just like everyone said get a C/O.
I do think 9 and 7 are too young to be home alone. If nothing happens legally to change this please get both boys in a babysitting - CPR - First Aid class. Our local red cross and childrens hospital offers them both. It was two Saturdays for about 4 hours each. It will give you a little piece of mind.
How long are they being left alone? Is this a trip to the grocery store? While she's working or job hunting? All night partying? IMO, they are too young to be left alone. I don't leave my 10 yr old alone for the 5 minute trip to the gas station for diet coke! I would start documenting every time she leaves them alone and why she's left them alone, so you'll have something to take to the court hearing. I would also ask the judge to help set guidelines for when they can be left alone - since it doesn't sound like she's going to be open to reason (not from you, the kids' dad, or even her own mother!)
For now, make sure the kids know how to reach you and FI. Make up an Emergency Sheet, like you would for a babysitter. Have their home address listed and all other emergency numbers (you, FI, grandparents, trusted neighbor, BM) listed. Have one to post on the refrigerator or by the phone and have a smaller one laminated so they can carry it in their backpacks.
GL.
Thanks for all the input everyone!
I really love the idea of having them attend babysitting/CPR classes. Even though neither of us are ok with them being home alone currently they will be one day and this is very useful information for anyone. I'll also be researching attorneys that have had rulings in favor of Dads and see what comes up.
To answer your question lb1212 - they were being left alone while BM was at work. We aren't entirely sure what her shift was but its presumed to be all day. So what? 6-8hrs or more? Waaaay too long. I agree, we don't even leave them alone here to run to the store for 10min.
We've discussed various options with both sets of grandparents as well as some extra-curriculars for them to continue with. Everyone (except BM to my knowledge) is on board and weekends going forward shouldn't be a concern as they will both have games/practices and eager grandparents as chauffers
I'm hoping this will suffice until a CO that completely involves FI's opinion in how they are raised is in place. I'm afraid that right now we'll have to file the current plan with the courts first so that we still keep our visitation if BM goes off on a tangent.