Parental rights

Bigmama00 · September 2012

Have you or your spouse ever given up all parental rights to a custodial parent and completely had to cut yourself out that childs life? If so how did you deal with the emotions or how did you support your spouse during this time?

J&A2008 · September 2012

Bigmama00:
Have you or your spouse ever given up all parental rights to a custodial parent and completely had to cut yourself out that childs life? If so how did you deal with the emotions or how did you support your spouse during this time?

I only have secondary knowledge of this, and it's only been when the state has stepped in and removed parental rights due to abuse/neglect.

Holly_1007 · September 2012

no 1st hand experience but I would strongly suggest seeing a therapist.

J&A2008 · September 2012

wendilea:
There is no way either I or DH would voluntarily give up our rights. If the CP is blocking visitation, fight for it. I can't imagine giving up. Therapy to deal with the loss is a minimum.

The child will need therapy to deal with the loss of his/her parent as well.

lily_721 · September 2012

We didn't but BM did. Both of the boys are in therapy.

Littlejen22 · September 2012

I would never give up my kids and would never be with a man that would. If your DH is giving up his kids I would never have kids with him, what type of father does that? I would offer no support to voluntarily giving up a kid.

Ilumine · September 2012

I would never give up my parental rights and I would never marry someone who did/would.

Honestly, that says a lot about the person and in 99.99% of the cases, its not good.

Nineoceans · September 2012

If you truly aren't involved in the child's daily life and not giving up parental rights would block someone who is involved on a long term, daily basis, from adopting or doing what's best for the child then I see nothing wrong with signing rights for the best interest of the child. Being a parent has very little to do with biology. It's about who is there for the child day in and out. Colds, tests, soccer games, school plays and all.

Anyways, I guess best case would be to GET involved if that means quitting a career to move closer or working with an attorney to get more time. If that's not possible then I think counseling and signing rights would be a worst case but possibly necessary step

Littlejen22 · September 2012

piffle42:
Nineoceans:
If you truly aren't involved in the child's daily life and not giving up parental rights would block someone who is involved on a long term, daily basis, from adopting or doing what's best for the child then I see nothing wrong with signing rights for the best interest of the child. Being a parent has very little to do with biology. It's about who is there for the child day in and out. Colds, tests, soccer games, school plays and all.

Anyways, I guess best case would be to GET involved if that means quitting a career to move closer or working with an attorney to get more time. If that's not possible then I think counseling and signing rights would be a worst case but possibly necessary step
This is kind of our situation with BF.  It's terrible on DS and DS doesn't even realize that BF is his father.  BF wasn't involved until DS was about 4 and sees him about once a year (he also lives across the country, we literally live on opposite coasts).  It's just some guy DS goes to visit.  It's really sad.  It's really more about making my and DH's lives miserable than having a relationship with DS for BF.  He occasionally makes some big stink about something and it's terrible.  DS doesn't like going to see him and he's not involved in anything DS does.  He's also said multiple times he would let DH adopt him but changes his mind when it actually comes to doing anything.  BF has also badmouthed DH, which has lead to more angry feelings about BF from DS.
IMO if someone can't make the commitment to be an active parent then there's probably a better solution (like letting a step-parent adopt).  This is not something that should be taken lightly though and probably isn't right in most situations.  I know my situation is unique.  Even if a parent isn't involved and let someone else adopt their child, I would still think they would most likely experience some sort of loss and would need counseling.

But would you ever marry and be supportive of someone that would walk away from their kids? I know there are some situations where it is right like addictions, erc but I'd it is bad enough that you should give up your kid I would never be with you.

Bigmama00 · September 2012

I'm not trying to be disrepectful but I asked if anyone has been through this situation themselves or if they have a spouse who has been through this situation and how you dealt with it or helped them deal with it. I was not looking for moral opinions

Littlejen22 · September 2012

And our response was mostly that we have not been through it because we would not be supportive on the situation.

juliettodd · September 2012

Littlejen22:
piffle42:

Nineoceans:
If you truly aren't involved in the child's daily life and not giving up parental rights would block someone who is involved on a long term, daily basis, from adopting or doing what's best for the child then I see nothing wrong with signing rights for the best interest of the child. Being a parent has very little to do with biology. It's about who is there for the child day in and out. Colds, tests, soccer games, school plays and all. Anyways, I guess best case would be to GET involved if that means quitting a career to move closer or working with an attorney to get more time. If that's not possible then I think counseling and signing rights would be a worst case but possibly necessary step

This is kind of our situation with BF. It's terrible on DS and DS doesn't even realize that BF is his father. BF wasn't involved until DS was about 4 and sees him about once a year (he also lives across the country, we literally live on opposite coasts). It's just some guy DS goes to visit. It's really sad. It's really more about making my and DH's lives miserable than having a relationship with DS for BF. He occasionally makes some big stink about something and it's terrible. DS doesn't like going to see him and he's not involved in anything DS does. He's also said multiple times he would let DH adopt him but changes his mind when it actually comes to doing anything. BF has also badmouthed DH, which has lead to more angry feelings about BF from DS.

IMO if someone can't make the commitment to be an active parent then there's probably a better solution (like letting a step-parent adopt). This is not something that should be taken lightly though and probably isn't right in most situations. I know my situation is unique. Even if a parent isn't involved and let someone else adopt their child, I would still think they would most likely experience some sort of loss and would need counseling.

But would you ever marry and be supportive of someone that would walk away from their kids? I know there are some situations where it is right like addictions, erc but I'd it is bad enough that you should give up your kid I would never be with you.

Yes, I did. Prior to meeting DH he was dating a woman for four months who claimed to have an IUD. She became pregnant after three months, they broke up after four months but he was still trying to do the right thing by her and the baby. I met DH a month before the baby was born. He was completely honest with me about it. He gave BM money, fixed her car when it broke, and did his best to be supportive. He already had a lawyer and had researched child support and visitation. DH was awarded full custody of his other two children and has always taken his duties as a father very seriously.

BM did not want to cooperate in any way. She wanted DH to pay child support (of course) but wanted him to sign away his parental rights and have nothing to do with the child (no visitation at all). She moved to California (across the country from us) making it that much harder to fight for anything. DH finally told her she had two options, 1) He would be happy to pay child support, be a father to the baby and work out some kind of visitation or 2) Her husband wanted to be the one to raise the baby, would give the baby his name and DH would sign away his parental rights (BM remarried her ex after her and my DH broke off their relationship).

We had the option of spending resources that we needed to raise the two children we already had or giving it to an attorney to fight for a couple of weeks of visitation out of the year. BM's husband had a bond with the child and wanted a step parent adoption. So that is what we did. We told BM to please contact us if she ever needed anything - although she never has. We also have a savings account for all three children that we make deposits in every birthday and holiday. If the child ever shows up on our door step someday we would love to know and be a part of their life. However, fighting with BM for scraps and wasting a ton of resources would not help any of our children.

Now the flip side. The BM of DH's other two children also lived across the country and could not afford plane tickets for visitation etc. She paid almost no child support, $25 a month total for two kids. She felt guilty and bad about not being able to be an active mother in their lives so after a few years she just stopped contacting the kids altogether. After five years of no contact, I filed for and was granted a step parent adoption. Since then we have been able to have her out to visit. The boys know their siblings and everyone is very civil. She didn't walk away from them, but she couldn't possibly be a mother to them either.

All situations are different. We had two different ones and the solutions were based on the best interest of the children. I don't think you can make a blanket judgement that it is only appropriate if you have an addiction. Although, there are those who would use it to escape their responsibilities, especially child support. There are many instances where it makes the most sense. In fact, I would say it is one of the hardest, selfless acts a parent can make when they can't possibly be there for the child.

PP suggestions of counseling is a great idea. Some other ideas: we opened a savings account for the child. DH has a journal he writes in a couple times a month (he writes to the child). When the child is 18 he will receive the savings account and the journal. I also get birthday cards each year that we all sign, seal and put in a keepsake box. You don't have to forget. There are many ways to show love. Even though they won't know it until they come of age, they will know someday that you never stopped loving and thinking about them. Best of luck to you.

Bigmama00 · September 2012

Really? Because thats not what im reading

Bigmama00 · September 2012

Thank you for the suggestions juliet, I never thought of the journal idea.

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