Marriage not doing well...

storm172666 · September 2012

Hi all.My marriage is heading south really quickly since the baby.I have no desire for sex or to even be touched.We've gone from being intimate almost everyday before getting pregnant, 3-4 times while I was pregnant to barely once a week and I'm cringing the whole time. I don't know why I'm so repulsed by my husband. I feel all this resentment towards him because his life has barely changed, while mine is completely different. It's not really exhaustion because I get home to a cooked meal and the baby sleeps through the night fine. I just don't feel like spending time with him and even if we are watching the same thing, I watch it in another room. I think he put up with me quietly for a while but he's been making comments lately such about the lack of sex, me being cold, me never being satisfied with anything he does no matter how much he does. And he's right. I am different towards him. He says I don't have the same look in my eyes when I look at him and I'm pretty sure I don't because I can't even answer myself the question do i still love him. I honestly don't know. It's not really anything he's done. He hasn't changed at all. Or maybe that is part of the problem; that he's still the same (bad/irresponsible with money) even after the baby whereas before it bothered me but it was just us. Now we have a life that depends on us and I just don't see him providing for her and fear we won't be able to give her everything she needs/wants because of his financial irresponsibility. I just don't know. Sometimes I think we're just better off without him. Other times I feel ungrateful because all I have to complain about is his problems with money whereas other women have to deal with much worse. This is a man that doesn't hide his love for me, praises me, tells me I'm beautiful all the time, wants to spend time with me, tells everyone what a great wife and mother I am, cooks, does laundry...and I just feel like all my feelings for him are gone. I know my attitude is only going to make him resent me and yet I can't stop calling him useless and I know I demean him and I'm just being a b**ch. I don't know what's wrong with me or us or how to fix it. Sorry for the rant but I hesitate to pour any of this out with friends/family because I don't want people to know we are having problems.

bellelamb · September 2012

It is normal for some women to go though this after a baby is born. It's written about in books and there's articles on tb about it. If I were you I'd read those and talk to a councilor or some one.
Honestly that's a lot more sex than we're having, we've done it twice since Lucas was born.

RnMom2Be · September 2012

What you are feeling is normal. Your husband needs to calm himself down and realize that your mind and body have just gone through a massive change. It's also hard to integrate this new person into your married life....give it some time. Going from a couple to a family of 3 was difficult for us at first too....then we found our groove. Going from 3-4 (with the addition of our DD) was so much easier. Give yourself time. Also...remember to take care of yourself!

stemms8810 · September 2012

You may want to talk to your OB or a therapist about possible having PPD. Also, it sounds like you had issues with your marriage that you didn't talk about before the baby came. Try talking about the money issue and/or seeking out couples counseling.

It is normal to not want to be having sex frequently right now. That feeling will hopefully come back in time. The infant stage is exhausting! Give that some time but remember to communicate with your H about it.

Good luck!

Jess & Drew · September 2012

stemms8810:

You may want to talk to your OB or a therapist about possible having PPD. Also, it sounds like you had issues with your marriage that you didn't talk about before the baby came. Try talking about the money issue and/or seeking out couples counseling.

It is normal to not want to be having sex frequently right now. That feeling will hopefully come back in time. The infant stage is exhausting! Give that some time but remember to communicate with your H about it.

Good luck!

All of this! I'm sorry things aren't good right now, but keep in mind that communication is key. T&Ps that things start looking up.

TnG05 · September 2012

I don't have any advice just wanted to let you know you're not alone. We're having trouble as well and the biggest part is what you said " it's like nothing has changed for him and everything has for me." I hope it gets better for you all soon. Maybe you two can go out on a date night if you have someone around to watch your little one.

pithikaki · September 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this, but try to find some comfort in the fact that many, many others go through it, too. I highly suggest going to counciling. Having a baby is a huge change and it takes time to adjust. Don't be so hard on yourself... but definitely seek help. T&P

kgauntt · September 2012

pithikaki:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but try to find some comfort in the fact that many, many others go through it, too.nbsp; I highly suggest going to counciling.nbsp; Having a baby is a huge change and it takes time to adjust.nbsp; Don't be so hard on yourself... but definitely seek help. Tamp;P

All of this. My marriage is not perfect and we work at it everyday. Just wanted to say you are not alone. I hope you guys can work it out.

winter-shock · September 2012

Honestly you sound a lot like I have while struggling with mild PPD. I would really find someone you can talk to. there are so many ways to get help to feel better. I have not even had to use meds. Also My PPD was not directed towards a connection or feeling angry at my kids it was all at my husband. A few times I thought I should just leave him, I am SO thankful I got help. Now our marriage is stronger then ever!

picklesx · September 2012

I am very sorry that you are going through this. You are definitely not alone and honestly I am glad that you were brave enough to post this because I am going through the exact same thing resentment, not wanting to spend time with DH, questioning whether I still am in love, and overall feeling awful and confused about it all but felt like it is not normal. I cant really offer any advice because I am still trying to figure out how to get my marriage back to what it was before baby on an emotional and intimate level, and I am so glad to see that there are others experiencing the same thing. Good luck to you!

LER091811 · September 2012

Your husband sounds like a good guy. It does sound like you have PPD, please see a doctor for help. It's normal to go through a rough patch after having a baby, but please be kind to your husband while you are working through this.

(For a reality check I suggest you read the post above yours about the husband who demands a 3 hour nap for himself after being gone all day and then plays computer games all night. Having a good, loving husband is no small blessing. Don't take the poor guy for granted)

bornmommy · September 2012

kgauntt:
pithikaki:
I'm sorry you're going through this, but try to find some comfort in the fact that many, many others go through it, too.nbsp; I highly suggest going to counciling.nbsp; Having a baby is a huge change and it takes time to adjust.nbsp; Don't be so hard on yourself... but definitely seek help. Tamp;P
All of this. My marriage is not perfect and we work at it everyday. Just wanted to say you are not alone. I hope you guys can work it out.

This and this. I would def seek out help from a counselor before you thought about ending it. Sounds like some PPD to me.

Suern9870 · September 2012

stemms8810:
You may want to talk to your OB or a therapist about possible having PPD. Also, it sounds like you had issues with your marriage that you didn't talk about before the baby came. Try talking about the money issue and/or seeking out couples counseling.

It is normal to not want to be having sex frequently right now. That feeling will hopefully come back in time. The infant stage is exhausting! Give that some time but remember to communicate with your H about it.

Good luck!

I agree with all of this. You may be having a bit of post partum depression. Definitely look into it.

mommycountdown · September 2012

The first step is recognizing that there's a problem. Talk with him. Men dont express the same way we do, and he's not a mind reader. Remember to chose your battles wisely! 95 percent of divorces are due to criticism. At the end of the day it's your choice to dwell on the negative or the positive. That little one is the responsibility of both of you and what you chose to do now will effect your little ones life. Your Marriage is just as special as you new baby. Don't give up. Through thick or thin xoxox Best of Luck

MrsWP · September 2012

Don't give up on your hubby! You made a lifelong commitment when you got married and unless your being physically, verbally or emotionally abused, you should try not to think of leaving as an option. With that being said, you don't want to be miserable forever!!! So that means you need to find a way to make it better. These girls about said it all, couples counseling, PPD, Taking time for yourselves, talking to your husband. Remember that your baby needs you both and needs you to be happy. Just like feeding your LO is your responsibility, providing a loving home for your LO is also your responsibility! Find the strength inside of you to make that happen. And in the meantime, try to appreciate your husband regularly and out loud for things he DOES do and tell him you love him regularly. Sometimes just doing that can help you start feeling love for him again.

My H and I have been struggling with some of these issues too (especially the sex) and I have been trying to "be there" for him but when your heart isn't in it.. he can tell. I admitted to him that I have been faking it for quite a while and he was so upset about it that he actually cried. But after I talked to him and explained that it wasn't his fault and how I've been feeling he seemed to understand. Now He's been really trying to make me "want" to do it more. Which is sweet of him and though most of the time I start out feeling like I would rather just fake it and be done by the end, I am usually happy that he made the effort.

Talk to him, Don't give up on him, and find a way to make YOU happy.. because ultimately, thats what will make both your DH and your LO happy.

Good luck!

moonfaerie · September 2012

Like the other ladies said, what you're going through is normal. My relationship with DH went through the same thing after my oldest was born, though we weren't married yet. I had PPD, and my thoughts would range from thinking DD and I would be better off without him, to wanting to run away from both of them and leave DD home alone for DH to find when he came home from work. I would fantasize about how far I could get away from our house before the time he got home, and sometimes I wanted to take DD, sometimes I didn't.

Eventually I realized that DH was there for us, and I started talking to him about all of my cray thoughts and he was very supportive. Obviously things got better, because we ended up getting married and having two more kids. But, it definitely took time to adjust to having a baby and for DH and I to settle into a new normal.

Hugs and best wishes for you and your family. Open up to your H, and talk to your dr to see if you have PPD. Counseling, either for you alone or couples counseling, could really help you through this.

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