Am I being a jerk?

NewFamily09 · September 2012

Tell me if I'm being a jerk about this. My husband and I host a Bible study group every Tuesday. We have 5 familes that all come over. To save money on babysitting everyone brings their kids with them. Then we pull one adult from the group to go to the playroom and supervise the kids. We used to just let the kids run free but quickly realized they were too distracting, so we decided to rotate out an adult each week to supervise the kids. There are about 8 kids all together, ranging in ages from 11 months to 9 years. My husband and I are both teachers (well before I was a SAHM) so we are used to tell other people's kids what to do. I have no problems giving directions to other kids. So when it's my DH or my turn to supervise, we can keep the kids in line and quiet really well. The goal is to keep all kids over the age of 2 (younger babies are allowed to be with parents) in the playroom (except for bathroom visits) and keep them somewhat quiet and entertained so the adults can focus and hear each other. When anyone else in the group supervises, it's like no one is in there at all. Sometimes it's even worse because the adult supervising gets the kids all rowled up and really loud. So part of my issue is that none of the other adults in the group are capable of containing the kids or keeping them from getting too loud. My other issue is that even though there is an adult "supervising," my kids' toys keep getting broken. We try to put only our "junky" toys in there, but there's a cabinet with a high drawer with some books in it. Somehow one of the older kids took those out last night. One is an activity book with stickers that you put on the pages. My son just got this book a few days ago for his birthday. He hadn't even really seen it and now it is almost completely finished. All the stickers are in exactly the right places on the pages, so I know it was one of the older kids that did it. Granted, my son did take a few of the stickers himself and stuck them on some building blocks he had. I'm a little irritated because 1) I feel like the adult watching should've noticed this and stopped it. 2) The older kid that did this should've known not to do this to someone else's book. Stuff like this has happened before. Kids have gone into our cabinets and broken DVDs, gotten into our food, drawn on my desk with a sharpie, written and tore about our kids' books. Obviously, our system of having an adult each week supervise the kids is not working at all.

I am so tempted to write emails to the parents of the older kids to find out who did this to the book, but these people are my friends. If I drop the issue, their kids will continue to mistreat my son's toys. If I email them, I could offend them. My other thought is to just tell the whole group that we can't host the kids anymore because it's too stressful. I could just suggest coming up with some other arrangements for the kids.

Wino0920 · September 2012

I agree with the PP, the sticker book was in there and there were no instructions not to use it.

Why don't you rotate houses? Or can you put a T.V in there and make it movie night each week? Or set up an activity each week for the kids. Like making bracelets on Tuesday or some craft that is cheap and will keep them busy. They might start looking forward to it.

luvmyducks · September 2012

I don't think you should address the sticker book. Annoying, yes. But not a huge deal IMO. Just get your DS a new sticker book...? ::shrugs::

I don't think an email is appropriate since they are your friends. I would maybe try to talk to everyone at the next meeting. Maybe hire a couple babysitters to hang out with the kids so all members can participate in the discussion. Just tell them that things in your house are getting broken and damaged which you understand will happen every now and then, but it seems to happen every meeting. And just open up the discussion for a solution. I think rotating houses is the most fair, but I understand not everyone will always have a playroom area.

memali26 · September 2012

Agree that the sticker book is NBD, but I can understand why it would frustrate you on top of everything else. You definitely don't need to let other people's kids run free and destroy your house and belongings.

Could you find some high school students who might be willing to watch the kids for that evening? Have a rotation of locations and a rotation of teens willing to help out. We have a great group of teen girls at our church who volunteer to babysit for things like Bible studies and choir practices, and they earn service hours they need for school.

NewFamily09 · September 2012

Wino0920:

I agree with the PP, the sticker book was in there and there were no instructions not to use it.

Why don't you rotate houses? Or can you put a T.V in there and make it movie night each week? Or set up an activity each week for the kids. Like making bracelets on Tuesday or some craft that is cheap and will keep them busy. They might start looking forward to it.

I like the idea of rotating houses if anyone would offer. We do have a TV in there and we've tried movie nights. They don't hold the kids attention for very long. We've also tried recently to have an activity ready for each week. My husband has worked to print out coloring sheets and have materials ready. It seems like other than he or I, the other adults don't do much with the activity, because all the materials are still there when group is over. I vented about it to DH and he said "well they are volunteering to supervise, we can't really ask them to do much more than that," which is totally true.

NewFamily09 · September 2012

luvmyducks:

I don't think you should address the sticker book. Annoying, yes. But not a huge deal IMO. Just get your DS a new sticker book...? ::shrugs::

I don't think an email is appropriate since they are your friends. I would maybe try to talk to everyone at the next meeting. Maybe hire a couple babysitters to hang out with the kids so all members can participate in the discussion. Just tell them that things in your house are getting broken and damaged which you understand will happen every now and then, but it seems to happen every meeting. And just open up the discussion for a solution. I think rotating houses is the most fair, but I understand not everyone will always have a playroom area.

I agree, it's just a sticker book. It was probably only a few bucks. And maybe most kids, even elementary school ones don't realize that that kind of toy isn't reusable. I had it put away, but one of them got it out of the drawer. I really can't do much more than that, unless I want to put a lock on every drawer in our house. I guess it just bugs me more that it was brand spanking new and DS hadn't had any opportunity to play with it yet. I was saving it for a rainy day. Plus it's on top of them destroying other things. Maybe next time I'm at Walmart I'll see if they have something similar to replace it. It was a really cool book and had some good preschool skills for him to work on.

Wino0920 · September 2012

NewFamily09:
Wino0920:

I agree with the PP, the sticker book was in there and there were no instructions not to use it.

Why don't you rotate houses? Or can you put a T.V in there and make it movie night each week? Or set up an activity each week for the kids. Like making bracelets on Tuesday or some craft that is cheap and will keep them busy. They might start looking forward to it.

I like the idea of rotating houses if anyone would offer. We do have a TV in there and we've tried movie nights. They don't hold the kids attention for very long. We've also tried recently to have an activity ready for each week. My husband has worked to print out coloring sheets and have materials ready. It seems like other than he or I, the other adults don't do much with the activity, because all the materials are still there when group is over. I vented about it to DH and he said "well they are volunteering to supervise, we can't really ask them to do much more than that," which is totally true.

Yikes, sounds like you have tried different ways of doing it then. Well, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion about the situation at the next meeting. You are all adults and should be able to be open with one another. Just simply state your concerns without attacking anyone and see what can come of it. Good Luck!

MyBeanieBaby · September 2012

Have them play outside instead. Water play, water balloons, bubbles, balls, kites, magnifying glasses, buckets and popsicles.

Nothing gets broken.

CarolinaDaisy · September 2012

Any chance your church does Wednesday night activities?? Could you have your study there and the kids could go to nursery care?

That's the way some of the adult small groups work around here now. We used to do a similar bible study with friends and all bring the kids and they could play in the basement. We did hire babysitters though, but we only paid maybe $5 per kid or something....it was pretty reasonable.

However, as the kids got older and we all had more babies, it just got out of hand. Some people are now going to Wednesday activities at church simply for the ease of the nursery care and children's activities.

NewFamily09 · September 2012

MyBeanieBaby:

Have them play outside instead. Water play, water balloons, bubbles, balls, kites, magnifying glasses, buckets and popsicles.

Nothing gets broken.

Ha ha, you would think, right? We've tried this too and the kids ran through our landscaping and started picking our flowers. One kid kept throwing our balls and frisbees over our fence into the woods, which was a little annoying because it's our neighbor's property.

Strunella · September 2012

I would just be honest with everyone the next time the group comes over. "We don't mind hosting every week, but it seems like the kids go a little nuts when they're all together and we've had quite a few things broken or damaged." See what the response is. If nobody says anything, I'd say that you're not sure you can continue hosting under the circumstances.

While I understand that kids will be kids, it seems that these kids (at least the older ones) have not been taught how to respect other people's property. Breaking things, pulling flowers, and tossing toys is not acceptable and someone needs to nip that behavior in the bud sooner rather than later.

HoolahZinger · September 2012

It's not a big enough deal to create friction over a sticker book. But yes, the overall topic of childcare needs to be addressed. Is there any chance the study could go on at the church? That way, the children could play in the kids rooms or nursery where they usually have more durable toys? You'd probably have to rotate someone to watch the kids like you are doing still though. There's only so much you can really say about the style of babysitting each parent does. There will never be a set of parent's that watches over children exactly like you do...you kind of need to accept that a little more. As long as the children are not ruining things or hurting each other, of course. The house rotation is another great idea. I can totally see your frustration...I would be too. Good luck as you all figure out a good way to balance things out!

mesmom2011 · September 2012

I agree with the PP who suggested getting a teenager (or two) to watch the kids. If you split the cost, it wouldn't be much for each family. You could let the babysitters know your rules and direct them to do the activities that you've prepared.

meg1974 · September 2012

I agree with PP's. If you're having this much trouble, I would suggest rotating houses. Then, maybe some of the others will get the hint when their kids' toys start getting broken. It will also ease the burden on you as far as hosting.

I honestly don't know if I would have stopped a kid from using a sticker book. I would think of it like a coloring book, that it was meant to be played with. In that case, if I were you I probably would have put it away or given instructions not to let the kids use it.

I would say something about drawing on the desk and ripping the books though. That's common sense.

I also want to add that teachers have a unique ability to control kids in that type of situation that some of us others (including myself) don't have. Teachers are trained in that in school, and their classroom experience gives them even more practice with it. I wouldn't take for granted that every adult has that skill. It's definitely a learned thing for some of us.

NewFamily09 · September 2012

Thanks for the advice everyone. Interestingly, I got an email a few hours ago from one of the families saying that they are dropping out because their daughter is in dance and they will be too busy to meet. They had mentioned the possibility of dropping out a few weeks ago, so I know it's not related to last night at all. It was really nice having them because they talked a lot, but the benefit is that 3 of the kids will now be gone. That might alleviate a lot of the problems, especially since 2 of the 3 kids were the oldest of the kids in our group and got a little rambunctous together. The youngest, a 2 year old, is the one who ripped up a lot of our books (good thing we pulled out our favorite books). I know because her mom said she does this to her books at home too. She also loved to pull all the wrappers off our crayons, also just like she does at home. Maybe now that we only have 5 kids, childcare will be more manageable.

pitterpatter129 · September 2012

I would tell them you need a break and need to start rotating houses. I would also agree with pp in wondering if your church might be open one night a week to hold these meetings? Then it's a more of a public place with a classroom set up for kids with less personal property to destroy.

AimeeL85 · September 2012

I would hire a babysitter that is not part of the group to be in there with them each week and tell her the rules. Split the cost between all the parents. You're still all saving a ton of money.

As for the book, it's unfortunate for your son, but I don't think you can be too mad about it. It was in the room they're permitted to play in. If someone had just taken the book and torn it all up, I would be mad, but you said all the stickers were in the right place. So all a child was doing was enjoying themselves with something they probably didn't know was off limits. To try and find out who did it is taking it too far, in my opinion.

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