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Blended Families
More on Sports - A Vent & A Question
And more sports mess from us...
A quick refresher. SS1 plays on competitive/travel teams for Sport1 and Sport2. SS2 plays Sport2 also but not at a competitive level. Sports fees are included in CS monthly payment. Sport2 is the sport that BM enrolled SSs in 2.5 years ago without DH's agreement (CO - joint legal/medical custody).
This coming weekend is our time, and we were planning to take SSs to a college football game with friends, only to find out today that SS2 has a 2.5 hour practice on Saturday afternoon/evening for Sport2! We have to "ask permission" from BM for SS2 to be able to miss this practice.
DH and I are truly sick of the amount of time that Sport2 takes up on our weekends when we don't agree they should be playing this in the first place (and I know it's only going to get worse as we get more into the season). We would like to go do other things with SSs during our time, not to mention the fact that DH should be able to make decisions about what to do with SSs on his time without interference from BM. BM certainly doesn't ask DH if it's alright that SS1 miss every other practice for Sport1 to go practice for Sport2 (those practices fall on her time) or make calls about missing Sport1 games on her time if it interferes with Sport2.
And for those of you wondering about the Sport2 schedule and why we didn't know this beforehand, BM refuses to give us the "Weekend Sports2 Schedule" until a couple of days before our weekend, which is also highly irritating. We've tried to find schedules on the website and call the facility, but no one is willing to share this information with us because DH's name is not on anything.
If you're an NCP, do you ask the CP permission to take the kids out of practices that fall on your (NCP) time? Is it really up to the CP to decide? Shouldn't it be up to the NCP if it is during their time?
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Re: More on Sports - A Vent & A Question
we have to ask BM's permission for SD to miss a sport on our weekend even when we didn't agree to have her signed up. if we don't we get 4738297 phone calls/ temper tantrums from BM and she tells SD awful things about DH and our family.
can you discuss with SS what HE wants to do? is it possible for him to go to some of the practice and leave early? if it was a game, that would be one thing, but missing a practice once in a while isn't the end of the world, especially where BM is so un-accommodating with the schedule.
If you don't want then to go then I would collect the kids and then tell BM that they will be missing practice since you had plans before she told you and that in the future it would be helpful if she told you ahead of time.
But I am curious the ages of the kids any why you don't think they should play.
I'm sorry - I can't remember each poster's situation.
You said DH's name is not on anything - no court order? Are you working on getting a court order?
You said it's SS2's practice. He's only in one sport? How many practices does he have per week? Is he in any other activities?
I am curious too. Also, YH & BM have a CO and YH is on the BC, so if he shows these documents the coaches are obligated to hand over the information regarding practices, games, etc.
I'm guessing you have the boys EOWE? I would make it a point to take SSs to practices whenever possible, and try scheduling your activities around them. Obviously, family activities happen and everyone is bound to miss one every now and then. Also, attending part of the practice is better than not attending at all.
I mention in paragraph 2 there is a CO.
SS2 is currently only in one sport. He plays another sport, call it Sport3, in Jan./Feb. There are 2 weeknight practices for Sport2 and this additional weekend practice during Sept. for SS2.
SS1 is 10 and SS2 is almost 8. DH doesn't agree that Sport2 is a sport that his kids need to be playing. BM disregarded this because this is the sport her H plays.
DH's name is just not on the a paperwork for Sport2 (there is a CO and his name is on things for school and other Sports SSs play). The coach is BM's H, so he's not going to hand over the schedule to us either. again, calling the facility doesn't work because DH's name isn't on paperwork. BM and her H are very involved in Sport2.
Yes, we have them one night during the week and EOWE.
It's moot now because we got "permission" to miss practice from BM, but it is unfortunate and irritating that DH's time is not really his own.
Okay, your reply makes more sense than your OP.
The problem isn't really that DH's name is not on anything; your problem is that SF is the coach and he doesn't tell you the schedule.
Without specifics, it's really difficult to give you feedback. If the "sport" is juggling raccoons, then, yeah, I'm on your side.
Otherwise, if it is a recognized sport, just not yours and DH's preference, then why can't SS2 be in one sport when his brother is in two? I can understand there's some jealousy since SF coaches, but you and DH have to be adults about it. Sports are good for kids. Bad for parents, but good for kids.
Do you still have an attorney? I'd have him/her write a letter to BM that sports schedules must be provided and all coaches need BOTH bio parents info as contacts.
Furthermore, I would contact the organization (again, assuming it's not racoon juggling in SF's own "league") that runs the sport, provide them with a copy of the CO showing DH has joint legal custody and complain that the coach (SF) is not acknowledging DH nor providing him with a practice calendar. Hopefully you'll find someone sympathetic and hopefully SF gets an earful.
Look, I lived this with DH and SS for two years. Every time BM did something that she was not legally allowed to do, under the CO, DH would ***, but not do anything about it other than ***.
I told him then, put up or shut up. He started putting forth a bit more legal effort and woah...BM sent SS to live with us. THen the bitching started all over again, when BM still didnt follow the CO (you know like not pay child support, not pay her portion of the visitation trasportaion, etc).
Again, I had to tell him point blank to stop talking about it if he wasnt going to do anything about it. Sure, it is still a MotherCentric world. But that is because fathers bend over and take it in their asses.
In your case, if your DH had made ONE call to the complex at the beginning of the year, BM and SF would have been on notice and probably stopped playing the control games because he would have been put on notice.
But instead, you have pretty much tacitly given BM free range in being the SOLE decider of all schedules because you have never once stood up to her LEGALLY.
I get I sound cranky here. But we just had another BM moment this past weekend. She showed up in our neighborhood on Sat with no notice - a 6 hour drive one way.
Outside of the fact that it is rude to come to someone's house unannounced, this is a clear "no-no" within the court order (there has to be 24 hour notice). DH bitched, DH yelled at SS, but until I pointedly told him that if he let SS go with her on Saturday, he would:
I said this infront of SS and then walked away. SS and DH both agreed to let BM know that she could not get SS for Sat (SS agreed because he is a caprecious child and wanted to do the plans DH already had set, not because he thought BM was wrong).
DH brought this upon himself, when he never forced BM to stop taking the liberties when she has residential custody. DH brought this upon himself the first time he paid the full cost of the summer visitation and did not force BM to pay her share.
Either way, I am done listening to BFs *** when they, themselves do not DO anything in the first place.
haha yes I agree wendi, we're really not going to get that much info about what sport it is
OP the ONLY way I can see DH having an issue with the sport is if it is full contact football since SS is only 8. as a parent, that would make me extremely nervous.
other than that I agree with illumine.
This!
First of all, OP you are contradicting an earlier post. The money for sport1 does NOT come out of CS. Your H had to pay "extra" for it or BM would have refused to allow SS to play. So your H rolled over for BM, against your wishes, and paid it.
Your H allows BM to have the upper hand. EVERY TIME. Your H DOES NOT need permission to see his son ON HIS TIME. BM pulls these sunts because your H bends over for her every time. It is not healthy for your SS to see his father walked on. Time to STOP "asking for permission" and TELLING BM "we have plans for a football game. "I'm sorry this interferes with practice, but since we were not provided with a schedule, we had to make plans on our own." THEN contact the league and complain about the coach not providing H with a schedule or having him named on the contact information. Threaten legal action if necessary and offer to provide them a copy of the CO.
I totally understand this. I was so worried about this the WHOLE time I was pregnant. But I will tell you, for us, it works. It's difficult, and annoying at times, and I've had to learn when to just say NO, but it does work. It will be okay.
Congrats on your pregnancy. Hopefully the happiness finds its way into your heart soon. It'll be wonderful.
^^ This. Who cares what the sport is. Who cares if DH agrees with the sport or not. What happens during DH's custodial time is not up for negotiation. If you had already made plans and then BM waited until the last minute to tell you SS has a practice, well too damn bad. She has obviously had the schedule for longer than a couple of days and she should provide you with the schedule when it becomes available to her.
If you don't have the coach's info and BM isn't willing to proivide it, find a way to contact the organization and get a message to the coach. Apologize that SS will be missing practice but that you weren't given notice of said practice until after you planned this trip. Find a way to obtain the schedule of practices and games and that way you're no longer relying on BM to provide it. If the coach/organization won't give you the schedule then oh well, at least you tried. Document everything just in case this becomes an issue with the Court and go about your business.
BTW, at my house all three kids are in activities: karate, tumbling, cheer, football, etc. BM doesn't "approve" of K doing karate, and BD doesn't "approve" of my son and daughter doing football and cheer and tumbling. BD says that my daughter (who's 9) is "too young" for cheer and tumbling, and BM thinks that karate is "too rough" for K. But the kids want to do these activities. It's not up to us or their other parents what activities they enjoy. As parents, it's not our job to tell kids what they should and shouldn't enjoy. It's our job to encourage whatever interests they have as long as they're safe.
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You totally lost my support. Outside ofthe fact that there are both immensely GOOD Highschool, College and Professional hockey teams south of the Mason Dixon Line, outside of the fact that even in professional hockey, they have moved towards fitness vs brut strenght hockey (thank your European lleagues) this is peewee hockey and the rules no more allow for injury than touch/tackle football.
Your husband's dislike becuase you are Southen pisses me off to no end as well...it's like saying the north shouldn't have BBQ becuase they are from the north.
Just be honest and say its becuase your kids stepfather likes it, supports it and participates with the kids. Acknowledge the jealousy and move on.
Seriosuly.
"If you're an NCP, do you ask the CP permission to take the kids out of practices that fall on your (NCP) time? Is it really up to the CP to decide? Shouldn't it be up to the NCP if it is during their time?"
I honestly think, to answer your question, that it is at least partially up to the 8 or 10 year old how the weekend is spent. We're not talking little kids here anymore. These are big kids with agendas that count.
If hockey is part of their lives, and hockey practice/games are on the weekend, then hockey it is. You all get to spent time together at the rink. That's ok in my books.
Why would you want to yank your kid from a team sport practice or game in favour of a college football game with your friends? How is that better family time?
I'm also not in favour of kids ditching practice. You make a commitment to play a sport, be part of a team. You stick to that commitment.
And your distaste for hockey as a sport is misguided. Body checking is largely disallowed in leagues for younger kids, it is NOT more dangerous than football. It is a highly skilled and social sport and kids who play hockey well benefit from participating in it.
I really like this reply.
My weekends have been ruled by sports for over 10 years. (ruled, NOT ruined) Sports are great for kids and practices are part of the sport. If the kids really enjoy the sport then that should be the priority, not your friends. I missed many things so I could make sure my kids were at practice on time. I woke up many mornings at 4am to make it to the 5am practice. Not liking the sport is a childish reason.
As for the violence, I don't think you know enough about the sport to speak about it properly. Funny thing, where I live many parents don't want their children playing football due to the unnecessary violence and chance of being hurt. Hockey is a highly skilled game and the practices are important to the development of the player and the team.
Seriously, it is not more dangerous than football. But I don't think that was the real reason for not wanting the kids in the sport.
I don't really get how sitting watching a college football game is a family activity but watching one (or both) of your step kids playing a sport is not. It could be ballet or snowboarding or piano or surfing or chess; participation in a sport, game or activity is far more engaging than merely 'spectating' it. The opportunity to connect with kids on their level in a meaningful and tangible way is better facilitated by your involvement in their chosen activity.
Choosing a sport because it is a sanctioned HS sport is odd thinking. Why narrow your kids to what the high school has to offer when they aren't even in high school yet? Certainly there are lots of quality schools that do sanction hockey though, one comes to mind as I sit here :
I think you are risking alienating your SSs by dismissing a chosen sport that they are active in. You didn't choose it, but they have for 2.5 years. If you think that they are oblivious to your feelings on "this ridiculous sport" you are almost certainly mistaken. Kids pick up on that kind of thing very easily.