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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
NewFamily09
member
I need to vent
NewFamily09
member
I am so sick of Dh. I don't even know how to explain it, except that his rude, negative, condescending attitude is irritating me to the point where I would leave if I didn't believe in the permanence of marriage. He mumbles about me under his breath, loses his temper, snaps at me. I just feel like he hates me for some reason. He's like Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde because then he'll try to turn around and be really sweet and say nice things about me to the boys. But then he goes and uses that against me when I get mad at him. "You never notice how much I compliment you around the kids!" He thinks that saying nice things here and there makes up for being nasty and rude the rest of the time. It's at the point where there's no point in me even pointing out his rudeness because all he does is defend himself and explain how whatever I did to piss him off warrants him yelling at me. Then he insincerely apologizes and says "I hope you can keep forgiving me." I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even want to sleep in the same bed as him tonight. He couldn't care less that I'm bothered. I feel like I'm such a patient person- with my kids, with DH, with coworkers. I rarely get upset with anyone, especially to the point where I would raise my voice with them. I just don't understand why he thinks I don't deserve to be treated the same way. If I were a b*tch to him like he is to me, I'm sure he would have a problem with it. And it's not like it's just me he complains about. He doesn't really like anyone. He comes home from work complaining and judging everyone he works with. He's rude to people in public too sometimes. I know I'm not perfect, but in my mind there's no excuse to talk to anyone like he does, whether you like what they do or not. Last night we had a date night because some friends of ours all swap babysitting every few weeks. I don't need a break from the kids.... I need a break from him.
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Re: I need to vent
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I do commend you for sticking with it.
Maybe a break is what you need, to clear your head, do some thinking and decide how to move forward. Can you do a day or half day at a local spa, or even spend a day shopping by yourself? If your DH won't watch the kids, do you have friends who could do it? Or, maybe take a day off work during the week to do it (if your kids go to daycare/school).
As for your DH, is there something going on in his life that may be influencing this type of behavior? I'm not saying that would make it okay, but just that it might help explain it. Does he have friends who treat their wives/gf's that way? Is he struggling at work (maybe someone is treating him bad and hurting his self esteem, so he takes it out on you?). You might start there, just so you can acknowledge that if/when you decide to approach him about it.
I would def. suggest talking to him about it, at a time when you know you won't be interrupted (maybe go out to dinner without the kids). If he gets defensive, just acknowledge his feelings and ask him to acknowledge yours. Even if he feels justified in his actions, he can't deny what your feelings are.
If that doesn't work (or even if it does) you might consider therapy. I've talked to some couples who say it worked wonders for their marriage. It never hurts to have an objective third party. If you go to church you could also consider talking to your preacher about it, although personally I wouldn't want do that b/c I think it's too personal to bring in someone we know. I would go for a neutral professional who I will never have to see again after the therapy is over.
GL, HTH!
I knew someone would ask this, because I thought of it too. He hates his job. He's a teacher and last week he wrote an email to a parent that was taken the wrong way and now they are "investigating" him. Definitely stressful, but that only explains the past few days, not the past few years. And like you said, I don't deserve to be the punching bag for his problems. I work hard to relieve his stress at home. I make sure he comes home to a fairly clean house, I make dinner, give him opportunities to get away from the kids, etc. I'm a SAHM but I also watch other kids so I sort of work, but do it from home. I also listen to him vent every day after work.
I would love to get away for a few days. I'm so tempted to take the kids and go visit my parents for a few days, but I'm not the type of person to threaten leaving him and I don't want him to take it that way. I think if I said to him "the kids and I are going on a trip for a few days," it would probably create more problems. And I can't leave them home because I'm their daycare. If we didn't have kids, I would leave for a break in a heartbeat.
If he's refusing to acknowledge that his behavior is wrong then he is probably going to need a big shock to get the message. The next time he's acting that way, I would totally say "You are belittling me and putting me down and I can not take it anymore. The children and I are going to stay with my parents for the next week." and then I would leave. I wouldn't argue with him about it, I wouldn't try to explain or justify anything. I would tell him that I don't wish to speak to him for 3-4 days and I would go.
If he can admit, after that time, that his behavior was wrong- I would consider staying. IF he agreed to seeing a therapist with me. If he was still adamant that his behavior was fine, I would seriously start reconsidering my view of marriage.
FWIW: My dad was fairly verbally abusive. Mostly to my mom but as I got older, to me too. That is not an influence you want in your children's lives. Trust me.
My DH is a teacher too. I can totally relate to the amount of stress that causes on the entire family. It's really sad how teachers are being treated these days. But again, that doesn't excuse his behavior.
I think you know your DH better than anyone, so you probably know what will get his attention. I understand your not wanting to threaten to leave, but is there something else you can do to give him a wake up calls of sorts - let him know how serious you are?
And, PP has a good point about it being something medical. Your DH could talk to a therapist about it himself, if he's willing.
Would he be open to counseling? It really sounds like you two need to sort through some issues and a 3rd neutral party would probably be really beneficial.
My aunt and uncle are going through a messy divorce after 35 years of marriage. My uncle admitted to my mom and dad he basically fell out of love with my aunt about 20 years or so ago and has just been sticking it out because he, too, believed in the permanence of marriage. It's been obvious to all of us that he's been really unhappy for a long time and he holds a lot of resentment towards my aunt now even though he could have been the one to end things sooner, if that was what he wanted.
I don't think there could be anything worse than being in a marriage where your partner resents or just doesn't seem to like you but stays because it's the "right" thing to do. I agree with PPs that maybe he should see a doctor or a therapist himself but also try some couples therapy. Your kids will pick up on the tension between the two of you and you don't want to let it build up until one or both of you breaks.
First of all sorry that youre going thru this...Secondly i can totally relate. My DH has been struggling with depression for the last 2yrs....He went from being a totally secure, outgoing, funny person to a rude&angry hermit. The whole issue for him stemmed from not being able to find a job in Cali then us deciding he should just stay home with our baby. So he is a SAHD and while he is good with our daughter he feels like a loser for not having a job. I have tried to get him to therapy, to see a dr, to go out and have fun....anything i can think of and he refuses.
I am at my breaking point. I am also not the type to threaten leaving/separation but at this point idk what else to do because i have tried explaining myself, crying, begging him to change and it all falls on deaf ears. This past weekend i took the baby and stayed at my mom's for 2 days. I blamed it on the heat and he didnt say anything but when we got home he was being extra nice and saying he missed us. He has been ok since then but I feel like im constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and its super stressful.
Maybe we should create a support group!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's one of the hardest things, especially when there are children involved. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you evaluate the next steps in your life.
Have you discussed going to marriage counselling? The might help in the long term.
For a short term fix- get some space. Can you take the kids somewhere for the weekend without him? I absolutely believe that missing each other occasionally is really good for a marriage. DH works from home about 75% of the time and I SAH with DS. We see far too much of each other. We get short and impatient after so much togetherness. A business trip for him or a vacation for me helps immensely.