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Blended Families
lvnlife3184
member
How to handle money/CS/hurt feelings/etc...(long)
lvnlife3184
member
This may be a common question/topic and maybe its silly of me to even ask others their opinions but its something we are faced with pretty frequently.
Do any of you deal with little ones not understanding why their mommy can afford to buy them all kinds of things (constantly) and Daddy and SM don't/can't??
My SD has an american girl doll which I understand is pretty popular and all but I do find outrageously expensive. No big deal though, until she shows up with about $350 worth of stuff in a little bag and then continuously asks for the same stuff from us. We try explaining money and telling her we don't have enough to buy all of those things.
SS is 4 and he's kind of oblivious to it all and still thinks anything is cool whether it costs $2 or $200.
I recently bought the cheaper doll from Target for her birthday and she has gotten accessories for it for her birthday as well so it seems to have taken care of that void of the doll and things at our house for now but other things have popped up too that cost a lot of money that we just can't see spending if we did have that amount. (as in if we didn't pay the CS!!) we have them 45%-50% of the month every month, so its hard on us to pay the CS and still have to buy everything for our home too including school uniforms, school shoes, regular clothing and shoes and the normal things. We also seem to take care of haircuts, majority of dinners through the month are with us due to pick up times being early for us and very late in the evening for BM, and just normal day to day things with kids.
I guess my main question is, at what age to kids start to realize Daddy pays Mommy money and can then start to understand things a little better? She has her own income already which is pretty equal to DH's and then he pays her quite a bit a month (i only say quite a bit because we have them so much, its hard to understand why since they both make around the same amount). And she has a live in boyfriend as well which is another income in their household which i know means nothing legally or whatever but its just hard for us to listen to all the stories of shopping. Not long ago we were told by SD that she got a $50 allowance for cleaning her room and she's going to the american girl store again to get more stuff. Really? I would have cleaned my room a lot more as a child if i got an allowance like that........
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Re: How to handle money/CS/hurt feelings/etc...(long)
Truthfully? I don't think this is something that should ever be discussed with kids. EVER. Trust me, I know it's incredibly frustrating to listen to all the wonderful and great things that BM buys and does with the SKs, and when BD does awesome stuff with the kids but never pays CS. But it's not the children's fault/problem that Daddy gives Mommy money each month, or doesn't give Mommy money each month. The kids in blended family situations are literally stuck in the middle, and I just feel that money should never be discussed, Unfortunately the kids in my situation know about the CS because BM openly talks about it to K and in front of K, and BD complains about it in front of my kids. When they asked us about it, my and my husband's response is always, "We will make sure that you are always taken care of, no matter what". The end. No more details needed because kids should be allowed to be kids and not worry about money.
I think I missed it in your OP, but how old is SD? Maybe give her a chore chart and she can earn an allowance when she's at your house. And seriously, $50 is an obscene amount to pay a child for cleaning their room!! Heck, I'm 30 and if you're going to give me $50 to clean my room, I'll clean my room and your room!! BM really isn't teaching SD good work ethic, but that's neither here nor there. If you decide to set up the chore chart, keep the allowance amount reasonable and within your budget. Eventually SD will learn that things cost money, especially when it's her money she's having to spend.
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This was a common issue for us when my SKs were younger. BM had a live-in boyfriend who made quite a bit of money and SKs would always say "well if you don't buy it for us, BF will" that hurt my husband a lot and it still weighs on him.
I would say they only started understanding a little more when BM and BF were struggling financially and they were older (I am thinking 10 and 8). I think BM did a lot of explaining of money to them and it made it easier on us. At 13 and 15 they still don't understand the true value of a dollar because they seem to think a $120 dinner bill is normal at a restaurant. They have also seen the Child Support cheque a few times now and see how much daddy is helping mommy take care of them (because BM leaves it out)
We alway say that we want to take care of our homes needs first (meaning all the bills, the food, general clothing and family outings) before we can splurge on fun things and extras. We may not have a lot of extra money for everything we all individually want. In our home, each child has money jars (one for saving, one for spending an one for donating), we give them $10 a week and ask them to divide money into the jars.
We can afford to buy DS more things than we do. He's kind of careless with his things, and DH & I aren't interested in throwing money away. Don't get me wrong--he's in nice, well-fitting clothes. He has plenty of toys and games. But he's seven, and we don't believe he should get everything he wants.
So when he pulls the "well, I'll just ask my other Daddy/my nana/my grandpa" card, we say OKAY! GOOD FOR YOU!
DS doesn't know squat about our finances. I don't know squat about XH's finances. And honestly, I'd be a little put out by XH telling DS that he couldn't buy him something because of the money he gives me. I'd also be put out to hear that XH was assuming something about my finances based on what we do or don't buy DS. We all make our own choices, and what XH can or can't afford has nothing to do with me.
ETA: We have discussed w/ DS that XH sends money every month, and that money helps him do a lot of the things he wants to do. He also knows that all three of us are contributing to his college fund.
But that's all he knows.
SD turned 7 today actually. the kids get an allowance. I haven't been able to do a chore chart yet. Have discussed it with DH but I just haven't found the time yet to organize one. She does help around the house, they both make their beds and keep their rooms up and they get a few dollars a week from us. sometimes in cash, and sometimes in cash and change. We know at their ages they like putting money in their banks. I'm not sure at 4 if SS is old enough to keep up with a chore chart. any suggestions on one?
I would probably tell her that she has one at her house with her Mon and you have different toys at your house and you are not going to duplicate what she already has. I do not know your relationship with BM but can you ask BM if she can bring her favorite doll and a few accessories to your house when she comes over, making a big deal that you know how much she loves the doll that BM got her and that she misses it when she is at you house. And if BM let's her bring it over I would get her one accessory to stay at your house unless of course they ask you to send it back and forth.. I would just focus on having fun at your house and redirect them.
Relationship with BM isn't good. Sometimes she brings the doll with her and she ends up setting it somewhere in the corner of her room and doesn't even mess with it while she's with us until its time to go back to moms and she throws it back in the bag. this may also have to do with nicer weather and playing outside most of the time though. This witner could be different and which is why i wanted to get her something for our home too that she can play with.
I guess my main question though is what happens when a child finds out about CS from other kids possibly? DH and I never plan to tell them about it but i worry other children from blended families in school or wherever will share their family's information and eventually the questions may come up. Has this happened to anyone and around how old are the kids when they find these things out?
unfortunately our state does not base CS on those things. Which is why it can be difficult on our end just for our own good. BM has left many things int he past up to us to buy that is sent between houses and as i said earlier, haircuts and all kinds of things we have ended up taking over because somebody has to.
If we were in a state that based CS amount on time spent with each parent and each parents individual income, we would probably pay half of what we do. I've actually looked into it and checked. Kind of depressing : (
First, I agree with jobalchak - kids should NEVER hear anything about CS.
DS is 4 and has a chore chart. It is divided into three sections - 1) Chores he has to do because he is part of the family, 2) Chores he has to do but gets paid for, and 3) Optional chores for extra money. The chore is a picture (i.e. bed for making bed) since he cannot read yet.
We pay DS in coins, and he has three jars; Savings (10%), Spending (80%), and Tithing (10%). We have a "store" at home he can shop at with items ranging from .50 cents (i.e. candy) to $25 (i.e. Lego set).
A lot of families can't buy their kids expensive toys, this has nothing to do with CS. Don't try to make them feel bad about it. My dad used to tell me that he couldn't buy me anything because my mother took all hIs money. I HATED hearing that because I loved my mom.
that is upsetting. We would never say things like that. I guess i just worry for the moment SD (cause she's smart and loves to ask questions) comes to us and asks about it and if daddy pays it because she heard other kids talk about it. I've heard a little girl her age talk about it before in front of her but they were a tad younger so nobody questioned anything.
I just want her and SS to one day, if they do find out what CS is, understand that its not daddy and I not wanting to give them certain things they may want even if its their birthday or Christmas. Kind of hard to explain santa can't afford it too.
Would be nice if bigger/more expensive items could be shared equally between homes and that they are from mommy and daddy! oh if only things were so simple in a blended family.......
My opinion is a little different. BM has changed jobs 6 times in 2 years. DH has worked at the same company for almost 2 yrs and I've been with the same company for almost 6 yrs. We struggle, but we are more financially stable than BM. I think it's important for kids to know that CS is being paid on a regular basis! There's nothing shameful about paying it. Kids know that in a typical household Mommy & Daddy split the bills, so why shouldn't they know that their Daddy (or Mommy) still cares enough about them to support them? I made sure SD understood that CS wasn't for toys or extras and that I "was sure her mommy had a budget, just like her dad and I do" (even though that's hard when BM has cash for a new tattoo, but not PJs for SD).
I think it's a good idea to teach kids how to handle finances, just like we teach them how to cook, or do laundry, or their ABCs or biology. I try to work that into daily conversations - "only 6 more car payments and then we own my car!" "I have to put 1/2 of my paycheck back to rent and utilities this week." or "I'm putting $20 aside every week to pay for your birthday party".
I think kids are going to know what CS is one day and they will understand that your husband pays it. I think it sounds like you want the kids to know and you want them to know so that you can tell them that because he pays it you don't have as much money to buy them things. I don't think that is ok. By saying once they know what child support is you can explain that's why you can't afford certain things it's really not quite right.
It would be great if expensive things were shared equally between parents but in reality that's not always the case. EDIT I have never received support and have had to pay for everything always. Sometimes things just aren't fair but you deal with it because it's for the good of the kids.
While it's fine for the kids to know support is paid I don't think saying things like "we pay support so we can't afford x or y"
EDIT
EDIT I can completely understand the frustration of hving to provide more than your fair share and because of that not being able to afford more. I provided everything for my kids for many years without support of any kind.
Good grades, feeding the dog, working on his chore chart will give my SS a few extra special things to plan for through out the year. Anything else is for a Christmas or birthday list
I completely agree with this. I'm the BM and have $ from their dad, but I don't go out and spend tons of toys for my kids. Talk more about making good choices, saving $, and the like.
we do talk to SD about money and saving and earning and those things. SS is too young for that still. Shes starting to understand its better to have money than to spend it irrationally i think. at 7 years old its difficult but it has started to help her way of thinking. She was allowed $20 of her birthday money last night (on her birthday) to buy herself something. Although its hard because when you walk into Target...$20 isn't going to get you too far no matter what your age! But i walked through the toy aisles with her and she ended up choosing 2 things by asking what the prices were and figuring out how she could get more for her money. I must say, i felt pretty good walking to the checkout lanes with her after that.
I guess my whole reasoning of this post though was asking if anyone has had experiences of their children or SC coming and asking about CS and if so, as they got older if they understood what it is and that its paid and that asking the noncustodial parent for tons of toys and things isn't always going to work in their favor because its just sometimes a tighter household.