not sure how i feel. — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

not sure how i feel.

i know i must sound like a *** for saying this considering i got her pregnant but i really dont know how i feel about my gf right now. i  was going to break up with her but i dont know if i can now that shes pregnant. id like to be supportive of her because my dad wasnt to my mom and i want to be better than him but man this is hard. not gonna tell her this because you guys said to keep *** to myself and none of my guy friends understand at all so yeah im kind of pathetic for saying this all here i guess.

Re: not sure how i feel.

  • imagejasonrocks:
    i know i must sound like a *** for saying this considering i got her pregnant but i really dont know how i feel about my gf right now. i  was going to break up with her but i dont know if i can now that shes pregnant. id like to be supportive of her because my dad wasnt to my mom and i want to be better than him but man this is hard. not gonna tell her this because you guys said to keep *** to myself and none of my guy friends understand at all so yeah im kind of pathetic for saying this all here i guess.

    Sorry dude, but you are pathetic.  Your girlfriend is pregnant with you child, and not once in your little pout session did you mention your child.  It was all about your girlfriend.  Oh, and that it is hard, or something to that effect.

    You know what is not hard???  Taking care of my child!! I do it because my family is my world!!

    Yeah, you are pathetic.

    image

  • It is no longer about you, but about your child.  While your relationship may eventually end with her (and it sounds like you want it to), she is going to be a part of your life for the rest of it.  Whether or not it is hard, you need to be there for your child and right now, that means being there for your girlfriend.
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  • I am going to say that you are young. 16-22. If not, that is how you are acting. You seem scared and that is normal. But as pointed out above- it isn't about you. It isn't about your girlfriend. It is about your kid.

    You sure your feelings of "I was going to break up with my girlfriend anyway" aren't you looking for the easy way out? It is very coincidental you say that now but never did it before you found out she was pregnant. It sounds to me you are scared and looking for an out. Sounds to me like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

    I hate to be a *** but seriously.. grow up. You wanted to do the "big boy dance" and now you must pay the consequence.

    If you truly don't want to be with her, then don't. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be there for your kid. Just remember that you will at most get 50/50, probably less considering neither of you can provide. Plus you are going to be paying hundreds of dollars a month for the next.. oh.. almost 2 decades to your girlfriend.

    Have you guys talked to your PARENTS at all? Considering that they will be raising this kid anyway in the next foreseeable future, it may be a good idea to talk to them. How does your girlfriends parents feel about you?

    But I digress- it sounds like you need to quickly figure out how you feel and come up with a game plan.

     

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  •  i know its not about me anymore, ok? cant i just have one selfish moment before the kid gets here? god. i'm not going to abandon my kid. i'll drop out and get a full time job and help her raise our kid. she said she was gonna tell her parents this weekend. i dunno when i'll tell my mother. probably soon. i cant tell my mother before she tells her parents because my mother is a huge blabbermouth. 

  • Before breaking up with her, I suggest going to counseling first.  You should at least try and make it work with her.  You two are now going to be connected for many years.  However, if it doesn't work out after giving it your all, it will be better for your child if you two are not together and get a long, rather than being together and not getting along.
  • Ok buddy, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are trying to do the right thing, being that you are seeking advice from a bunch of hormonal pregnant women and their partners on a site named TheBump.  That was probably not easy.  Anyway, I think you have a great oppurtunity to be there for your child the way your dad wasn't there for you. Being that you have first hand knowledge on how hard it was on you AND your mom when your dad left, I think it would be wise to really think about what you needed from your dad when you were growing up and do everything in your power to give your child everything that you didn't get.

    I think couseling/therapy was a great suggestion and I hope you make the right decision. 

  • imagejasonrocks:

     i know its not about me anymore, ok? cant i just have one selfish moment before the kid gets here? god. i'm not going to abandon my kid. i'll drop out and get a full time job and help her raise our kid. she said she was gonna tell her parents this weekend. i dunno when i'll tell my mother. probably soon. i cant tell my mother before she tells her parents because my mother is a huge blabbermouth. 

     

    Please DO NOT drop out. 

    I dropped out 3 years before I even got pregnant. I was working full time and had my own apartment when I did get pregnant, and thought everything was great. 

    Then I got fired, and now it's been 2 years that I've been looking for work and had no luck. Any job you can get when you drop out is NOT a reliable source of income for your child.

    Stay in school, go to college. You'll be short on money FOR NOW, but long term you and your child will be better off. 

  • imagejasonrocks:

     i know its not about me anymore, ok? cant i just have one selfish moment before the kid gets here? god. i'm not going to abandon my kid. i'll drop out and get a full time job and help her raise our kid. she said she was gonna tell her parents this weekend. i dunno when i'll tell my mother. probably soon. i cant tell my mother before she tells her parents because my mother is a huge blabbermouth. 

    Dropping out is the absolute worst thing you can ever do.  Seriously!!

    Instead, man up, stay in school, graduate, and make sure that you are in a position to take care of your child. Dropping out will only get you pumping gas or landscaping somewhere, and that is not going to get it done at all.

    There is a lot on your plate right now, and your life is about to change drastically as you have this child. Like it or not, you are a man now. The question is, what kind of man are you going to be? A man who provides for his child and who puts his needs to the side to make sure his child gets everything he needs, or a man who fails at every single moment when that child needs his father there the most?

    I look at my 3 week old son and I am always so aware of how helpless he is right now, and that all he has right now for survival are his mother and I. I take that responsibility more serious than any other responsibility I have in my life.

    You are at a fork in the road. The decisions that you make over the next few months are going to impact a life forever. Now is not the time for dramatic pout sessions. Man up, or step back. No one can make that decision for you, you have to make it on your own, and it has a profound effect on how your child develops and grows in life.

    But dropping out will seal your fate in a very negative, long lasting way. You need to do better for your child now, and that certainly is not doing better. that is going to make life very difficult for you, seriously. Education = Money, and not getting one equals a life of struggles.

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  • If you drop out, you are an idiot. I'm sorry but it is the truth. There is no reason you shouldn't stay in school and finish. Having a HS degree vs not having one is huge.

    What do you want to do professionally? No one is saying don't think about yourself and live every breathing moment for your child. What we are saying is that you need to now think about how every decision you make impacts your child.

    When we said all you were thinking about was you and your girlfriend- you weren't even considering that. And now you are "just going to drop out of school"- again, you aren't thinking how that will impact your child in the future.

    I am going to cut you some slack since you said your own Dad wasn't around to teach you how to be a man. But really- is there any male role model in your life you can go to for advice? A teacher? A coach? A church leader? An uncle? It sounds like you really need some guidance from someone who should have been there for you.

    Good luck.

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  • imageRockyTopVols:

    If you drop out, you are an idiot. I'm sorry but it is the truth. There is no reason you shouldn't stay in school and finish. Having a HS degree vs not having one is huge.

    What do you want to do professionally? No one is saying don't think about yourself and live every breathing moment for your child. What we are saying is that you need to now think about how every decision you make impacts your child.

    When we said all you were thinking about was you and your girlfriend- you weren't even considering that. And now you are "just going to drop out of school"- again, you aren't thinking how that will impact your child in the future.

    I am going to cut you some slack since you said your own Dad wasn't around to teach you how to be a man. But really- is there any male role model in your life you can go to for advice? A teacher? A coach? A church leader? An uncle? It sounds like you really need some guidance from someone who should have been there for you.

    Good luck.

    I'm in college. i already graduated high school.  i guess i should have cleared that up. but if there is no reason why i shouldnt finish, how am i going to provide for our kid? i can't work full time and continue going to college. and there's no way i can support a kid with the money i make now and continue going to college.  i want to be an electrical engineer some day.i guess i can ask my teacher for help.

    thanks guys.... sorry i'm an idiot. 

     

     

  • imagejasonrocks:
    imageRockyTopVols:

    If you drop out, you are an idiot. I'm sorry but it is the truth. There is no reason you shouldn't stay in school and finish. Having a HS degree vs not having one is huge.

    What do you want to do professionally? No one is saying don't think about yourself and live every breathing moment for your child. What we are saying is that you need to now think about how every decision you make impacts your child.

    When we said all you were thinking about was you and your girlfriend- you weren't even considering that. And now you are "just going to drop out of school"- again, you aren't thinking how that will impact your child in the future.

    I am going to cut you some slack since you said your own Dad wasn't around to teach you how to be a man. But really- is there any male role model in your life you can go to for advice? A teacher? A coach? A church leader? An uncle? It sounds like you really need some guidance from someone who should have been there for you.

    Good luck.

    I'm in college. i already graduated high school.  i guess i should have cleared that up. but if there is no reason why i shouldnt finish, how am i going to provide for our kid? i can't work full time and continue going to college. and there's no way i can support a kid with the money i make now and continue going to college.  i want to be an electrical engineer some day.i guess i can ask my teacher for help.

    thanks guys.... sorry i'm an idiot. 

    Young....yes.  Idiot...only sometimes, but that is because you are still young.  We have all been there.

    If you are in college, there is certainly some counseling that you should be able to take advantage of while you go through this transitional period in your life.

    Since you are already in college, that is even more reason to stay enrolled and see it to the finish line. Your decisions need to be based on what is best for your child, and getting a college degree will be the first gift you can give your child. What you earn with a college degree vs. a HS degree is a huge difference.  I would not be where I am today, financially, if I had not gotten my BA. That is a fact that I realize all of the time.

    I saw someone once a week while I was in college. I went through severe anxiety issues while I was in college, and getting that help every week to cope with my anxiety was the best thing I could have done to make sure I finished my goals while in college. Talk to your advisor about it and make sure you reach out to those resources that I am certain are available on your campus.

    Dropping out should not be an option if you want to provide for your child as best you can. Get that degree and control your own destiny in terms of being a stabile provider for your kid.

    image

  • Do not drop out.

     I do not have a college degree. I work as a computer engineer, and yes.. I make really good money. I can provide more than enough for my family. But I had to a work a much harder road to get here. And doors are still closed to me because my lack of a degree. If I want to get into upper management, I will HAVE to have a degree. I work for a Fortune 500 company now architecting their virtual server infrastructure. It pays really well. But, I also have a lot of high level certifications I self-studied, I put in a ton of time at entry level jobs working my way up hopping from company to company. It was hard. People on the outside look and say "Oh look, he did it without a degree". It's true- I am pretty successful so far without a degree.

    But doors have been closed to me because I don't have one and I know there will be some closed to me in the future. Plus, you have to think of the money I lost out on compounded. While I have surpassed many of peers in earnings now, they all started out at higher paying jobs and that money they could invest in retirement, etc and those early dollars compounded into a return add up a ton. Thats why they say the sooner you start saving for retirement, the better. Not because you will have $100 this year, $200 next year, etc.. but because that $100 you saved this year will be able to make you a lot more than $100 in the future.

    Anyhow, that is a whole other subject.

    Sorry if I came across as hard on you earlier. I know you are in a tough spot. Definitely find a teacher or advisor or something to listen. They may be able to provide you some info on some free parenting classes, maybe set you up with some people who may be able to help you get a job that will work with your school schedule, etc. Universities have a ton of resources like that to help you. Talk to your GF about what would be best too.

    Honestly, your best bet would be to finish school man. Even if you have to cut back on some classes. Once you leave it will be that much harder to go back and finish. If both of your parents are willing to help out- that should make it a bit better too.

     

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  • imageRockyTopVols:

    Do not drop out.

     I do not have a college degree. I work as a computer engineer, and yes.. I make really good money. I can provide more than enough for my family. But I had to a work a much harder road to get here. And doors are still closed to me because my lack of a degree. If I want to get into upper management, I will HAVE to have a degree. I work for a Fortune 500 company now architecting their virtual server infrastructure. It pays really well. But, I also have a lot of high level certifications I self-studied, I put in a ton of time at entry level jobs working my way up hopping from company to company. It was hard. People on the outside look and say "Oh look, he did it without a degree". It's true- I am pretty successful so far without a degree.

    But doors have been closed to me because I don't have one and I know there will be some closed to me in the future. Plus, you have to think of the money I lost out on compounded. While I have surpassed many of peers in earnings now, they all started out at higher paying jobs and that money they could invest in retirement, etc and those early dollars compounded into a return add up a ton. Thats why they say the sooner you start saving for retirement, the better. Not because you will have $100 this year, $200 next year, etc.. but because that $100 you saved this year will be able to make you a lot more than $100 in the future.

    Anyhow, that is a whole other subject.

    Sorry if I came across as hard on you earlier. I know you are in a tough spot. Definitely find a teacher or advisor or something to listen. They may be able to provide you some info on some free parenting classes, maybe set you up with some people who may be able to help you get a job that will work with your school schedule, etc. Universities have a ton of resources like that to help you. Talk to your GF about what would be best too.

    Honestly, your best bet would be to finish school man. Even if you have to cut back on some classes. Once you leave it will be that much harder to go back and finish. If both of your parents are willing to help out- that should make it a bit better too.

     

    I can totally appreciate where you are coming from.  I was working in IT as a PC/Lan specialist for many, many years before I went back to college. It was all about doors being closed as my career path began to expand. Without a degree I simply would not be where I am today. Now, I made good money before I got the degree, but a career is more than just money. It is about advancing and stepping into new challenges. In Project Management, no degree equal no job.

    image

  • Dude, you do not sound ready to have a child (and I'm sure your GF isn't either). Why don't you two talk about options for adoption or even (gasp!) abortion. This just sounds like an all-around bad situation.

    If the two of you do decide to keep and raise this kid...don't drop out. You any support a child with a McJob. Ask your families for help. Seek out community resources. Go on welfare...whatever it takes. Just swallow your pride and do what is best for your child. And for god's sake....learn to use birth control so this doesn't happen again!  

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  • You can continue working full time and go to college. A lot of people do this, just know that it will be hard. Also, is your girlfriend willing to work? My fiancee is working and in school and to take some pressure off of him, I went back to work part time to help provide. Your girlfriend and you are a team now.
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  • imageladyjenna13:
    imageRockyTopVols:

    Do not drop out.

     I do not have a college degree. I work as a computer engineer, and yes.. I make really good money. I can provide more than enough for my family. But I had to a work a much harder road to get here. And doors are still closed to me because my lack of a degree. If I want to get into upper management, I will HAVE to have a degree. I work for a Fortune 500 company now architecting their virtual server infrastructure. It pays really well. But, I also have a lot of high level certifications I self-studied, I put in a ton of time at entry level jobs working my way up hopping from company to company. It was hard. People on the outside look and say "Oh look, he did it without a degree". It's true- I am pretty successful so far without a degree.

    But doors have been closed to me because I don't have one and I know there will be some closed to me in the future. Plus, you have to think of the money I lost out on compounded. While I have surpassed many of peers in earnings now, they all started out at higher paying jobs and that money they could invest in retirement, etc and those early dollars compounded into a return add up a ton. Thats why they say the sooner you start saving for retirement, the better. Not because you will have $100 this year, $200 next year, etc.. but because that $100 you saved this year will be able to make you a lot more than $100 in the future.

    Anyhow, that is a whole other subject.

    Sorry if I came across as hard on you earlier. I know you are in a tough spot. Definitely find a teacher or advisor or something to listen. They may be able to provide you some info on some free parenting classes, maybe set you up with some people who may be able to help you get a job that will work with your school schedule, etc. Universities have a ton of resources like that to help you. Talk to your GF about what would be best too.

    Honestly, your best bet would be to finish school man. Even if you have to cut back on some classes. Once you leave it will be that much harder to go back and finish. If both of your parents are willing to help out- that should make it a bit better too.

     

    I can totally appreciate where you are coming from.  I was working in IT as a PC/Lan specialist for many, many years before I went back to college. It was all about doors being closed as my career path began to expand. Without a degree I simply would not be where I am today. Now, I made good money before I got the degree, but a career is more than just money. It is about advancing and stepping into new challenges. In Project Management, no degree equal no job.

    Oh I agree completely! That is what I was saying- by not having a degree, I have had plenty of doors closed. So while on the outside, it is possible to do pretty well without one, the fact is: Without a degree, you are only hurting yourself and will have many doors closed on you in the future.

    I will hopefully be able to finish mine in the next few years. I have an Associates but having a BS would allow me to make the next jump in both responsibility- and pay.

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  • imagesadsadie:

    Dude, you do not sound ready to have a child (and I'm sure your GF isn't either). Why don't you two talk about options for adoption or even (gasp!) abortion. This just sounds like an all-around bad situation.

    If the two of you do decide to keep and raise this kid...don't drop out. You any support a child with a McJob. Ask your families for help. Seek out community resources. Go on welfare...whatever it takes. Just swallow your pride and do what is best for your child. And for god's sake....learn to use birth control so this doesn't happen again!  

    she doesn't want to get an abortion, and its not legal now anyways. shes too far along. she said she was considering adoption but i dont want her to give away my kid. and i dont know why everyone assumes that we werent using birth control. 

     

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