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Adoption
CaptainSerious
member
S/O "birthmother"/question for those who've adopted older kids
CaptainSerious
member
in Adoption
M came to us two years ago at age 7 (or more likely 9.5, the records are likely incorrect). He lived with his biological mother on and off for much of his early life and loves her very much, although he understands why that's not a good living situation for him. He talks with us about her on a regular basis.
The thing is, he usually refers to her as his "real mother." I admit, I was initially struck by this and hurt, but when I think of it, I am mostly hurt because I feel like I've been taught that this isn't appropriate. To M, she is the mother that birthed and raised him, even if I now am finishing the job. I kind of get where he is coming from.
My unsettled feeling at the term now is more that I worry about what others will infer about his feelings about me or his adoption if they hear him use it. Will they think he resents us, wishes to be with her, doesn't consider us his family, or doesn't love us? None of this is true (although he wishes she could live with us and we could take care of her, too), but I worry that others may attribute these feelings to him and then not treat our family with the same respect as any other. Am I over thinking this?
My husband mentioned to M that calling his biological mother his "real" mother might be hurtful to me, but we know that's not his intent. M has a language based learning disability and limited vocabulary, so I have tried a different approach. I explained that "real mom" isn't quite the right term, since we are all real. I suggested that maybe we could come up with other term for her, like "first mom," "birth mom," "bio(logical) mom," or even just her fist name, which my husband and I usually use, but he just doesn't see the point. To his mind, she's his mom, and I'm, I don't know, his "right now mom?" (He always refers to her as his "real mom" and me as "mom.")
Given his difficulties with language, I don't know if he'll ever get the point that he might be sending different connotations by using different ways of referring to us. And then I wonder if it matters? Should I just let him continue to use what's comfortable to him, since he's the one in the middle of it all, and the one who lost his beloved mother? I mean, does it really matter that much how others will perceive what he feels? After all, it's his actions that count, and I know without a doubt that he loves me, so what else matters? Am I just too caught up in this stupid detail?
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Re: S/O "birthmother"/question for those who've adopted older kids
Not a mom of an older adopted child. But given his language issues, and where he is at this point in time, I think I'd just let it go. This may be something that he still needs to process in his own way, and as time goes on he'll have more complex thinking about it. Leading to a different vocabulary.
And maybe J will have a different approach, which will influence M.
What did his therapist say? Is this something you've discussed?
my son is younger, but he has also used "real mom" on occasion and I dont give it any thought. To me, he uses it simply to distinguish between his mothers and doesn't attach the same emotions or feelings to it as we do. I'm also guessing others may have used it (classmates, children at daycare, ect) and he picked it up.
I'll just continue to model more inclusive language and think it'll be a non-issue in a few years time.
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We never discussed it in therapy. It's just something we address some of the times when he says it (but not always). Our therapist isn't really knowledgeable about adoption issues, but is bilingual and good for other related issues. She, herself, frequently refers to M's biological mother as his "real mother," so she's not much help there.
J was abandoned at birth, but still considers the orphanage mamis his mothers in addition to me. He realizes they aren't here right now, but I wonder if he sees our relationship as any different than the one he had with them yet. After all, they raised him as long as he can remember.
I think that's totally possible. It seems to me that he'll begin to think of you as his "main mom" once he's been part of your family for longer than he was at the orphanage. To him, having a "forever family" is new, right?
To be honest, the term "real mom" doesn't bother me (yet?). If the child is using the term to differentiate between his bio mother and adoptive mother without any negativity, then it's just honest language that makes sense to him. If the child is using it to be disparaging to his adoptive mother, that's a different issue that needs to be worked through.
I think it's important to let kids who have been adopted to work through their adoption loss it their own way, using whatever language helps them to cope, grieve, and eventually come to terms. But this is coming from someone who is reading a lot of adoption books and has no actual experience with it!
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Well, if he's 9-11 years old right now, I would think that he would be able to have a conversation about terminology that comes with adoption and understand usage, and why some sayings can come across differently than others. I think you said you had another younger son? Have him sit in, even if he is using the right terminology, that way he can sort of start to understand too. That way it's less threatening, maybe?
I don't know.
But if you know he loves you and he knows you love him, I don't think there is an issue, I think that talking to him about terminology could be helpful to ease your "what will others think"
I can completely understand you concern. As an adoptive parent of an older child (the adoption was not finalized until last year although I had custody for the 4 years prior), I would be heart-broken if my child did not consider me his "real mom". I think that perhaps M still feels that way because he was with her for a longer period of time. Children can be really concrete and she was the first mom, so she is the ?real? one. I wonder if you could start calling her "Mama (first name)" when you all refer to her. Children tend to pick up on the language of others and if you frequently use the name Mama ___ he may start using it. I may even go so far as when he says ?my real mom? answering ?Mama ___?? and allow him to say yes. Perhaps if everyone in his life started calling her this, it would sink in. In my opinion this would help you all to not diminish his legitimate feelings about her (as his biological mom) and still allow your family to move forward.
I would also have a LONG conversation with the therapist and explain your concern with her. She needs to use the same terminology as your family does.
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I haven't adopted yet... But the thought of my adoptive child referring to his/her biological mother as his/her "real" mom makes me wince. To me, it feels like it lessens my role in their life. Like I'm just babysitting... I know that isn't true... but... ya know.
Hope you find something that works for you and your sons, OP.
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I would strongly encourage you to discuss it with his therapist. They would know how much terminology he can handle.
Our situation is definitely different since we are foster parents, but Zucchini (our 5 year-old foster son) calls his BM his "real mom" and typically calls me "mom". This doesn't really bother me since I am temporary in my role, so I understand where he is coming from. But the other day he introduced his friend to me and she asked "Is that your real mom?" probably because we look nothing alike. He said "No, she's my fake mom." That definitely stung, but I do understand with his limited language why he said it.
We talked about this conversation with this therapist and she encouraged us to encourage him to use "foster mom". Names are uber-complex in our situation for reasons I can't go into without revealing too many details, but our therapist has been the best resource in figuring out how to handle them on an age and situationally appropriate level.
I think this would be very hard for me to deal with. I understand where he's coming from, but it would still hurt. My age range for foster to adopt is 2 months to 9 years old so I could very well end up fostering older children. I hope you are able to find a solution that works best for both of you.
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