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Blended Families
NM86
member
What am I to do? Jealously issues and spoiling SD
NM86
member
Background: DH and BM have SD 50/50 everything. DH and I end up having SD 65 and BM 35 due to the fact that I watch SD during the work week and BM always asks us to watch SD for various reasons. (we?ve quit asking why at this point. DH gets SD more, so he is okay with it. I feel bad for SD, but it?s BM?s business).
Anyway, DH and I have run into a few problems now that we have DS. DS is 6 months old and he needs new clothes and things more often than SD. Which is normal. He is growing. But every time we go to the store to pick up some things for DS, DH always makes sure to get SD something as well.
Now while this is okay in theory, it is beginning to get pricey. And since I am a SAHM, we have a budget. We can?t just go buy things because SD wants something. SD is also set for clothes until next summer. And we just paid for a season of soccer and bought her all the clothes and gear she needs for that. So it?s not like we are only buying things for DS. I get that in a 5yo?s eyes, it may seem like that?but even trying to explain in kid friendly terms all of this, she doesn?t get it. Plus it doesn?t help that she always got things before.
For example, yesterday we went to the store to get DS a baby walker type toy. I told DH that we don?t always have to get SD something as well. She has several toys and things we?ve gotten her before when we?ve got DS something and they are still in boxes.
Well then DH said we should lie and say the toy is a present for another baby. Ummm, DH?when SD sees the toy out of the box and DS is playing with it, how will that work? So he said we will get her something cheap. I told him no. She has plenty of toys. What are we going to do during DS?s birthday? Are we going to have to buy SD presents too? DH said we will just have the party when it?s BM?s weekend. I said, so we have to plan his birthday without his sister EVERY year of his life??? I then asked what about xmas. Will it be a battle of gifts between SD and DS? How is it going to be equal when SD gets presents at 2 houses and DS only has one? (FYI, we are going to give equal amounts of presents for both children and not worry about what happens at BM?s house) DH then got frustrated and just dropped it.
I understand how it may not seem fair to a child that a sibling gets a toy and they do not, but it?s a baby toy. It?s not like we are going to take DS out when he is 5 and say to SD, now only DS gets something. That wouldn?t be fair. But it?s a baby toy. I tried to explain it that SD got her soccer stuff and DS got a baby toy and some clothes. And that we went shopping for SD?s clothes and DS didn?t get anything?but she just said, well I don?t want soccer anyway. When we got home, I tried to let her be involved in putting the walker together, but she just sat there trying to break the pieces apart. I told her she needs to treat things better. But when I turned away from her she continued to do it.
How do I deal with this? It?s not just a BF thing. As a child, if my parents bought something for a younger sibling like clothes or baby toys?it never crossed my mind that it wasn?t fair. But again, I was raised differently I guess. Our family wasn?t materialistic and I?m afraid that BM and DH think SD loves them more if they get her things. Which hasn?t turned out well. She has so many toys from birthdays and xmas still not opened. She breaks toys and rips apart books. She doesn?t understand that it?s inappropriate.
Ugh. Just frustrating. Am I wrong in my thinking? Maybe I am?
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Re: What am I to do? Jealously issues and spoiling SD
We try and buy things for our DS when we are alone and SD and SS are with their mom. It may not be the best solution and my SK are older but it works for us. Usually I go shopping without DH either so he doesn't see whats being spent
You are right it is not a BF thing. It is typical behavior for a 5 year old. You might not remember it, but I am sure it crossed your mind when you were 5 that you wanted stuff too. The way to handle it is simple. Do not buy her stuff. She might act bratty about, but that is typical behavior too. My two older kids still try to work the system and get mad when I buy something for the other. I just ignore it and move on.
doesn't seem like a blended family issue, sounds like a spoiled child issue. your DH has set a precedent already though and now your SD EXPECTS to get something every time the baby gets something.
Now that DH knows how you feel, give him a few days and bring it up again after the kids are in bed or something. your SD DOES NOT NEED a new toy every time the baby gets something. perhaps you can make some purchases when SD isn't around, but I wouldn't necessarily hide it from her that the baby is getting something and she isn't. as you said, there are times when SD gets clothes, new school/ soccer supplies etc and the baby doesn't get anything. make sure you point these out to her.
also, I sincerely hope you had a talk with SD about trying to break the baby's toy and she was put in time-out or asked to leave the room or something, that behavior is inappropriate.
And when she was trying to break the toy she was sent to her room. I tried to let her be involved and be nice and explain things to her in a way she understands...but in the end she just gets mad and breaks things and throws a fit.
It's just frustrating because I'm afraid for when she gets older. Her parents spoil her so much...things are going to be difficult in the future.
I have the same sort of problem with SD. She thinks she gets something every time DD gets something. At our baby shower she got so mad that the stuff wasn't for her and started to try and break things. My parents each bought her something "big sister" but she told them she doesn't want to be a big sister. We would run the store for formula and diapers and she expected to get something also.
DD is 7 months and is starting to "play". Well SD has been taking the toys away from her. The other day I was cooking and had DD in her exosaucer. SD wanted attention so she started pushing DD away from the toys on the exosaucer or twisting her head so she couldn't see the toys. DH didn't say anything so I had to tell her that if she was going to hurt DD or take things away she would need to find somewhere else to play. Later that night I asked DH why he didn't say anything and he said I can calm DD down quicker than he can SD so he let me deal with it. I lost it. I told him that both girls were his kids and if he wasn't going to discipline one than the other would be with me while I sat on the couch and did nothing to make sure DD didn't get hurt.
This is more of a DH problem then a SD problem. I have just stopped buying things for SD when we go to the store and told DH that if he thinks she needs something they need to do it while I'm getting what I NEED and I will not be the one paying for it, setting it up, fixing it when it's broke, or cleaning it up. I do most of the shopping and if I have SD with me she just doesn't get anything. I may be "mean" but SD is asking me all the time what she can do because she is "bored" but has more toys than an average 7 year old.
Agree, especially with the bolded.
You and DH need to get on the same page, and before you're in the moment. Don't wait to argue about it when you're already out shopping. Tell him you'd like to talk about it and set up a time so you can both come prepared with your arguments. He's probably very concerned about his daughter feeling unloved or unwanted and will need reassurance that that isn't what you want either. Maybe you guys can write down what you spend on miscellaneous items for each child so he can see how things equalize on paper. So when you spend $X on soccer for SD write it down. When you spend $Y on clothes for DS write it down. The amounts don't have to be exactly equal but it will probably make him feel better, like his daughter isn't getting shafted.
SD is going to act like a brat about it, because she isn't going to be getting her way. Say to her "I understand that you're feeling upset, and I'm sorry that you're sad. But breaking things is not okay. Go to your room and calm down. If it happens again you will lose TV for the whole day (or whatever consequence you will impose)" and then follow through.
I know PP's suggested that you shop without SD & DH, but I think that is the worst solution! When you buy NEEDED items, you aren't doing anything wrong. You shouldn't feel like you have to hide it. I think a better route would be to try to make SD (and DS when he's old enough!) feel special and loved by planning an activity. "Today, we need to buy DS X. Y, and Z and when he's napping, you and I are going to make "A" for dinner/dessert (or read a book, watch a movie, etc. ). Also, try to include her in the purchasing when you can, "Since DS can't talk yet, do you think he would like "A" or "B" better?"
My 10 yr old son lives with DH and me 100% of the time and we have 8 yr old SD every weekend (and now hopefully once during the week). I try to find one "special" activity for DS and me/ SD and DH/ DS and DH/ SD me me about once a month. SD loves crafts, DS loves video games; those are are our go-to's. We've also done ice cream trips, wedding planning trips and play-dates with friends. Since we've started this, our budget hasn't changed too much, since we still spend $, but the kids are definitely happier and in less danger of becoming too spoiled.