- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
She kept the baby. :(
Hi, hope it's okay I'm posting here. Our caseworker told us to reach out to people or join a group...
The birthmother we were matched with kept the baby. 
We're really distraught and we don't know whether to get our profile back out there or take a break. Did anyone else not end up taking their baby home like they thought they were going to? How did you cope?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: She kept the baby. :(
TTC since March 2010, BFP #1 11.09.10, ectopic, m/c 12.14.10 (10w)
Clomid + TI=BFN, IUIs 1-6= BFN
Application for domestic adoption submitted 4/18/12, matched 8/12/12, DD born 10/31/12
Welcome to the board. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not experienced this myself and can only imagine the emotions are you feeling right now. It is okay to take a couple months off if you need it, but it is okay to jump back in too. There is no clear right or wrong; only what is best for you.
((hugs))
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
There are people here who have had matches fall through, either before or after the birth. Hopefully they'll be able to offer their perspective soon.
It's really up to you whether you want to jump back in right now or take a break. If you really feel like you can't handle the roller coaster right now, it's perfectly fine to just spend some time together and grieve the loss of this child. No one is going to fault you for that. If you think it would make you more hopeful to jump right back in, that's OK too. I might ask your CW what her experience has been.
Take the time to grieve. My thoughts are with you.
6 home inseminations=BFN
2 IUIs= BFN
3 IVFs=BFN
June 2012-Decided to give up TTC and started the process to adopt from foster care!
Aspiring SMBC Blog
We've had a similar situation. It SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will get better though. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that other A-Parents have had similar experiences and still managed to create a family. One of our friends actually went home with a baby and had to take it back to the hospital! Now they have three so it can happen! We are still trying... It's hard to be vulnerable again but I'm told it's worth it! Take care of yourself and make sure that you and your SO are supportive of each other! This too shall pass.
Going back to work helped me after taking a couple of days off.
Karen
TTC since Aug 2011. BFP #1 on 10/28/2011 EDD of 07/02/2012 Natural MC on 11/22/2012 BFP #2 on 10/28/2012 EDD of 7/13/13 Judah Ari born on 7/11/13.
I love my rainbow baby!
I am so sorry for your loss.
I've been where you are... more than once. It is an awful and empty feeling that I experienced. The baby girl (in our case) that we thought we were bringing home wouldn't be our daughter at all.
I wish I had words of wisdom.... the best I can offer is that all the pain that is part of your journey becomes part of the beautiful story of your family once you are all together. It makes no sense now... you feel betrayed and rotten inside... but it will get better. Your baby will find you.
When we were in the midst of loss I found the only place I could feel comfortable in the least was here or with my husband. Even my closest of girlfriends wasn't comforting to me. She didn't understand that "that was MY baby".... so I felt... and it hurt like crazy.
I can remember asking how long would the miserable feeling last.... that was about three weeks after the loss and a Bumpie friend said it slowly gets better but doesn't go away completely until you see what your future actually looks like.... when you do see your baby, you finally "get" that the other child was never yours and was never intended for you.
We kept active and moving forward. It was the only thing that brought me sanity. FWIW from our first failed match (we had four), it was four and a half months later that we were holding our sweet daughter.
Be kind to yourself. Grieve and cry.... and be patient w/your husband. If you feels like you, embrace him. If he doesn't understand your devastation, be kind to him too. We all process the loss differently. Don't expect much from family and friends. Fam and friends seem to move on and don't understand the intense connection you had to this particular baby and mother. We, as the adoptive community, are here to let you know you will survive. It will make your story unique, and your child WILL find you.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I hope in time that you'll see that this child just wasn't meant to be yours. I adopted internationally, so I've never been exactly in your shoes, but I did have my heart on several children throughout the process, only to see them matched with other families. I know it sounds cliche, but when YOUR child finds you, you will suddenly understand that this happened for a reason. YOUR child is still on his/her way.
Take time to heal and be good to yourself.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. Nobody can really tell you what is best for you at this time.
I do have a friend who was trying to adopt. They live in TX and went to WA to be there for the birth of their son. After he was born the BM still did not want to be his mother but the BF did and after a couple weeks of waiting the judge gave the BF custody.
My friend and her DH were told this is very much like losing a birth child and you have to allow yourself to grieve. People may say this wasn't meant to be, but regardless your hearts were already open and willing to love this baby you were expecting. My friends were told to wait a year to allow their grief and loss to lessen before putting their profile back in the mix.
This does not mean you need a year, but don't let your grief and desire to be a mom push you if you're not ready. There will be fear stepping back into the process.
I cannot relate to your experience, but I remember doing the adoption process my DD's social worker was dead-set on finding an African American home for my DD. I remember giving her the pictures she requested for the profile and it broke my heart every time when I had no idea how it would all end.
Hang in there and accept your grief and anger and work through it. Don't let it define you, but let it restore you to the person who is ready to love and accept your forever baby.