Baby Silas's birthstory (med-free until the end) Also, long

I tried so hard to go med-free with my birth. I hadn't taken any classes, hadn't hired a doula, wasn't using a midwife. But I HAD researched and studied on my own, reading hundreds of natural birth stories, and I did feel confident in my body's ability to handle birthing a baby. So here's what happened:

I was 37 weeks and 4 days. My next prenatal appointment was three days away and my doctor had not indicated anything about me going early. I was fully prepared to go to my due date or beyond. On Friday, Sept 7th, right around 12:00 am, I woke up to the sensation of my water breaking. At the time I was unsure, so I got up quietly as not to wake my husband and went to the bathroom to try to stem the flow of fluid. I could not.

Well, I felt somewhat nervous and excited, but decided to try to sleep some more since I felt no contractions. Of course, I couldn't. Luckily, at about 12:30am I started feeling what could be contractions. They were rhythmic and crampy feeling. I got out of the bedroom and went to my computer to time them using an app.

I was surprised to see that the contractions started out at 2 minutes apart, lasting for 30-45 seconds each. I still couldn't quite believe it. They didn't hurt much at all and I felt silly waking my husband up to go to the hospital right away. I mean, a huge part of my plan was to labor at home as long as possible! So I went to our bathroom and took a shower to see what would happen. The contractions kept coming.

So, at about 3am, I woke up my husband and told him we might need to install our carseat today! As a testament to his ability to deal with anything, he woke up and asked me if I had packed a bag for the hospital, which I had not. So he started getting together my favorite comfy dress and whatnot. I stayed in the bathroom trying to avoid making a mess. I was also secretly excited because I had started to have bloody show.

The ride to the hospital was rough but not bad. I had several contractions but moved side to side in my seat. We got to the hospital, where I signed my admission paperwork with a signature that might not even count as a line. 

In triage, the nurse got me hooked up to the monitors and almost immediately said I was going to be admitted. She checked me - I was at 4 and a half cm. This was it!

She asked about my labor plans, and I said I was going med-free, so she helped me breath and move through a few contractions, to help me find what worked best. We walked over to the labor and delivery room. My contractions were still coming every two minutes and they were started to feel painful.

Once in the room, the nurse prepared my hep-lock and took blood samples. I am lucky that I had just gotten back my GBS results, which were negative. My husband offered support as I walked around, trying to find a suitable surface to lean over during contractions.

After I got checked in completely, I was allowed to labor in the tub. I don't normally like tubs, but wow was this a different experience! The warm water didn't make the pain go away but it helped me relax in between. I told my husband that the parts in between the contractions were great, but that the contractions themselves sucked. I realized later that I was saying the stupidest things.

By the end of laboring in the tub, things were getting intense. I was doing my best to vocalize throughout my contractions with a low, building moan. It mostly helped. Looking back, I see that my contractions seemed to follow a pattern of medium-pain, medium-pain, HUGE-pain cycle. The huge-pain contractions were spectacularly intense.

The nurse checked me and said I was still around 4cm and I freaked out for a minute, because it was now around 7am. (The times aren't exact after I got checked in). I was starting to have back labor. My husband massaged my back as I leaned over the bed and labored on my hands and knees. I was started to feel frantic and scared and I told myself again and again, this is it - I'm getting to transition.

I felt that, based on all the stories I read, that if I could get through transition, I could get through naturally, because it seemed like pushing was a relief to most laboring mothers. So I screamed through the really painful contractions and cried about how cliche it was to say that I felt like I might die and that I can't do this, but that "I really might die" and "I really can't do this!"

The nurse laughed gently and told me that I WAS doing this. My husband assured me I was still very much alive.

I was checked again a half hour later and was 7cm. The pain was started to be more than overwhelming. I asked if I could start pushing to try to relieve some of the pain, like I had heard. It was about a half hour later and she checked and I was 10cm, so she let me start pushing.

Pushing was where I hit the wall. I started pushing at about 10am, I believe. I pushed with the medium-pain contractions, but when the third, big contraction started to hit, I started to jump out of my skin. It felt like my spine, hips and front were all just going to shatter and break. My legs began to tremble and got crampy. The OB was called in. Apparently I was getting close, so I asked him if he does episiotomies (because I had been planning to ask about all of that at my 38 week appointment, whoops) and he said he's only had to do them a handful of times and that they're definitely not routine.

After some time, I couldn't keep pushing. I was so tired. I was falling asleep between contractions and screaming in pain during them. The medium pain ones were still manageable but the thought of dealing with that third, huge one, was overwhelming.

When I felt a contraction build, I would start whimpering that I wanted to die. I asked the OB when I could get a c-section.

He laughed gently and told me that c-sections were for emergencies and that this was not an emergency.

Finally, I felt defeat. I told everyone that I couldn't push any more, and everything hurt and I had given it my all, but I couldn't make this work. I didn't cry as I asked for the epidural, but I did feel confused. Why didn't pushing med-free work for me?

Sitting still for the epidural with huge contractions and a baby in my birth canal was probably the worst part of the experience. I found, to my surprise, that pushing HAD alleviated some of the pain of the contractions and sitting still for them was beyond painful. I don't mean to try to scare anyone. I just didn't understand how my body could produce this much pain when I considered myself to have a fairly high pain tolerance.

One of my favorite moments of the epidural was when I told the anesthesiologist that I had mild scoliosis and then he walked around to my back and laughed.

"That is not MILD scoliosis," he said. He pointed out the curve and the slight rotation in my spine to my husband. Later, I came to find out that they joked it was like a roller coaster. I do not recall this. I was too busy trying to rip my husband's shirt in two as I grabbed it during a contraction.

The epidural took, despite my scoliosis. There was a scary few minutes when I still felt all the pain on my left side, but it eventually numbed down. Everyone let me sleep for about an hour, although from my perspective, I felt like I just closed my eyes for ten or fifteen minutes. When the nurse came back in, I wanted to tell her to leave me alone.

But my OB had been there all night as well and I knew he was probably looking forward to getting to leave the hospital at some point, so I hoisted myself back into the pushing position, mostly sitting with a slight recline to the bed.

I have to say I was impressed with the way the epidural let me still feel my contractions building without the pain. It was, of course, much easier for me to push. Game on, I thought. The OB came back in, the nurses were encouraging - just a few more good pushes like those ones, they said. They told me I was pushing much better and I told them it was because I could feel the contraction but didn't feel like jumping out of my skin.

Except, it didn't take just a few more good pushes. I was crowning for 45 minutes, give or take five. I watched in horror as the clock kept ticking. First it was 11:30am. Then 11:45am. Then noon. I was pushing, giving it my all each time. They kept monitoring the baby, but he was doing alright, so I continued. Finally, at about 12:30, my baby started showing signs of distress. I saw my doctor look at me, and then pick up the knife to make a cut. He apologized, but at that point, I did feel that he had let me try for as long as possible to tear and it wasn't working.

Later I would learn that my vagina had been described as "the jaws of life"! 

A few pushes later, and this time, for real, my baby boy was born! He started crying right away and he was my baby! I looked at my husband with amazement. We had our baby. I got to hold the baby to me right away as they let the cord pulse for a few more minutes.

I snuggled with Silas while my doctor delivered the placenta, which was very healthy looking. I think the nurse gave me some pitocin for that, but I didn't mind that - my baby was already born! Then he stitched me up, which took quite awhile. I asked about the status of my cut and he explained that besides the cut, which by definition was 2nd degree, I had gotten two first degree tears on my sides. 

Silas has been doing great since. We've thankfully had NO problems whatsoever with breastfeeding, besides me being really tired at night when he wakes up for what feels like the 6th time. I am so happy.