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May 2012 Moms
littleredfish
member
Just looking for some May board support *warning-depressing post*
littleredfish
member
So today I was out and about with DH and DD and haven't been feeling the greatest lately but suddenly felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. We were at a fair and I felt like my abdomen was about to explode and had major cramping and light headed-ness. So DH flagged down the first aid tent people who helped me on a stretcher and they called an ambulance for me since I couldn't walk without feeling like I was going to pass out.
Well long story short I get to the hospital where they assume appendicitis but after more blood work and an u/s, they confirm a m/c. I'm in total shock right now. This has happened to me before but it was back before DH and I were even engaged and he was overseas so I felt so alone and in shock and just distraught I had to tell him I'd lost something I knew he wanted so badly (he wanted kids more than I did at that point).
This time it's different, and I know its bad to tell internet strangers not to give negative feedback, but I'm really begging that if you feel I'm being ungrateful or whatever, I really need you to not respond because trust me I feel like a MAJOR douche as it is and don't know what to do with myself because in all honesty, I don't feel sad about it at all. I feel like the worst person in the WORLD right now, but only because I don't feel sad about it...KWIM?
I don't even know where to go from here. DH is a little bummed but he keeps saying "you know it's not you right? There is nothing wrong with you" etc. etc...but I don't feel that way this time around. I feel like a b**** because I almost feel...relieved? God, that sounds horrible. Can this even be a normal reaction? Are my hormones making me crazy? I feel like I'm crazy. I'm crying even as I type this because I can't believe I feel so empty over something I feel should be devastating in my experience.
I know this is kind of long, and if you made it this far I thank you for your time. I don't know if I really even have a question other than wtf is wrong with me?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Just looking for some May board support *warning-depressing post*
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
I am sorry I am a little confused. You didn't know you were pregnant right?
And I think any response to this would be a normal response honestly... it depends where you are in your life at the moment.
I would make the assumption that this repsonse may mean you do not want another baby right now (which makes complete sense... you just had a little one!) What are you doing for birth control?
Well first let me start by saying how sorry I am for your loss and having to go through that! I don't think your feelings or emotions are irrational at all or wrong. Like pp said im sure it has a lot to do with where you are in your life. To be honest with you, 2 weeks ago I thought for sure I was pregnant. I had every single symptom I did last time I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutley sick over the thought of being pregnant and I absolutely want to have more children! I just desperately want my body back to myself for a bit and am not ready for another. Anyway, I took a test and it was negative (took 4 now) I couldn't have been more relieved. For a little while I felt bad for even having those thoughts. I even had thought to myself well if I have a miscarriage I probably won't be that upset and be relieved. It does sound horrible when you think about it but it doesn't mean that you wouldn't have loved that child just as you did your first.
Personaly, having suffered a miscarriage myself, I know that my emotions were all over the place. At first when it happened to me I wasn't that upset and actually felt relieved. We were not trying to get pregnant and the timing was not ideal. As the weeks went by I started to grieve for the child I would never have and I had so many mixed emotions going on. I felt empty and sad, but in time it passed and I felt comfort again.
I'm totally babbling on and probably not even making sense but basically just trying to say I understand how you feel, I've been there and it is hard for someone who has never been there to understand (especially your husband). Your in my thoughts during this time!
This exactly.
Honestly, if that happened to me, I'd feel exactly the same way.
You're absolutely not a bad person. Like PP said, you didn't know, and you didn't have time to bond with the baby. If things had been different and you hadn't miscarried, you would have found out you were pregnant, probably been upset and overwhelmed for a while, then gotten excited and happy. You just didn't have time to go through those phases.
Thank you so much ladies. I appreciate the support, I just desperately needed somebody who was not MH to tell me I wasn't heartless and crazy.
I feel better after a long talk with DH and a good nights sleep. Clearly both me and my body are not ready for another LO just yet so we are going to work together to move past this and not let it affect us when we decide we are ready.
Definitely not hearless and crazy! I think with this situation, there could be a whole range of emotions and reactions, and I don't feel any of them would be right or wrong. Each situation is different. T&Ps that you guys can continue to work through this.
Having suffered 2 m/c prior to DD that were incredibly emotional and sad, I just want to let you know that if I cannot think of anything more overwhelming than being pregnant right now with a 4 month old. I imagine if I were in the exact situation as you, I would feel the exact same way, and I NEVER thought I would feel that way after having much wanted pregnancies end in losses. I hope this makes you feel a little better.
That being said, I am still sorry for your losses. You might ebb and flow with how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that.((HUGS))
Also, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You have a needy baby at home. Life is more complicated than these "perfect" reactions to situations.