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Awkward cultural moment concerning shower..

PginSAPginSA
in Baby Showers

It is a bit early to plan a shower, in any case, but I'm glad to discover this now. It puts me in a strange place, however.

I am American, I live in South Africa. So I have my own views about showers, etiquette, etc, that don't seem to be followed here. My boss asked me the other day if she was going to be invited to the shower. I smiled and told her that if someone would throw me one and gave me a say, I'd want her there. She was confused.

Apparently, here, people throw their own, it is the norm. I explained to her that it is seen as a gift grab where I grew up to host you own, and rude. She said that she would think that expecting someone else to throw you a party is rude. We had a good laugh.

She is close friends with my mother in law, and said she would "get on it right away." I would feel awkward hosting my own. I just couldn't do it, and would rather go without a shower. However, the expectation is that I do have one, and people seem to be waiting for their invitation. My mother in law is pretty awesome, and would probably be delighted to do it, but now I feel like that is awkward, too. Can I win here? I would love a shower, but would prefer to skip it entirely if it's going to be an issue. If it is an issue about buying food, clean up, I would be happy to do the work and pay, but I'd still find it awkward. I think I'm a bit old fashioned, deep down.

Advice? 

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Re: Awkward cultural moment concerning shower..

  • noryangnoryang member
    We are in the Foreign Service and face questions like this all of the time. I think that if you live and associate primarily with locals - it is a when in Rome situation. Part of living overseas is adapting to new cultural norms. If you live nd work with primarily Americans (as I do) follow the American standard.
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  • EastCoastBrideEastCoastBride member
    imagePginSA:

    She said that she would think that expecting someone else to throw you a party is rude.

    Well, the key word is expecting.  Yes, it's rude to EXPECT someone to throw you a shower.  That's the whole point - a shower is a gift given to you by someone.

    As far as what to do... other than your boss, do you really KNOW that the norm is to throw your own?  I'd really make sure of that first.

    Past that, though, on one hand, sure, I can agree with 'when in Rome', but at the same time, if you are truly uncomfortable w/ the idea of not throwing your own, then don't do it.  Yes, that might mean you don't get one - but there is no law that you HAVE to have a shower.  People can "expect" an invitation all they want. 

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  • BLPL101BLPL101 member
    I'd go with their custom and throw it yourself.
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  • sadie+wsadie+w member

    imagenoryang:
    We are in the Foreign Service and face questions like this all of the time. I think that if you live and associate primarily with locals - it is a when in Rome situation. Part of living overseas is adapting to new cultural norms. If you live nd work with primarily Americans (as I do) follow the American standard.

    This!  If I were in your situation, I would try to make sure this really is the cultural norm, and not just this one lady's opinion.  If it really is the norm, then I totally agree - when in Rome . . .

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  • ChevyFam717ChevyFam717
    maybe you and your MIL can do it together and share responsibilities - so that way you feel that you are not throwing your own but you are at the same time. Compromise?
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  • graciesmurfgraciesmurf member

    imageBLPL101:
    I'd go with their custom and throw it yourself.

    I agree.

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  • knottie461ec6b8ad1d91b2knottie461ec6b8ad1d91b2 member

    I would talk to MIL and confirm who "normally" does the shower throwing in your area, then explain your "norm" to her. Maybe you and MIL can throw it together? Best of both worlds!

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  • LorMorLorMor member

    I am South African and I have NEVER heard of anyone throwing their own shower. I agree that they are quite different to the (mostly American) ones I read about here, but I don't think it is the norm to throw your own. But it could really depend on the area and the cultures you associate with etc. I'd check with your MIL and friends before starting to plan anything. 

    Good luck!

    PS My shower was a couple of weeks ago, it was arranged by two of my friends, I had NO IDEA that it was happening at all, and knew nothing about it. My DH and friends worked out the guest list, my DH gave them a suggested gift list, and I had nothing to do with anything until I arrived and had to scrape my chin off the floor. 

    A friend asked another friend and me a couple of years ago to plan hers, but I found that a bit strange. Another friend had one, and knew when and where it was, and gave the guest list and suggested gift list, but wasn't involved in planning. 

    So, in my small circle, there has been a range of levels of input from the MTB.  

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  • rhubarb123rhubarb123 member

    I'm thinking this is really not the norm at all (or maybe it is with your boss).  Also, like ECB said...expecting someone to throw one would be rude.  A shower is a gift...maybe explain it to your boss that way.  It is a gift from someone to you...just as the people who are guests bring you gifts.  If I were you I would not throw the shower myself.  If your MIL is willing to do it then let her go ahead.  Obviously you can ask if she wants some help but if she says no then let it go. 

    BTW...does your boss have children?  Did she throw her own shower?  The whole thing seems kind of odd to me.  Maybe she is getting it mixed up with people who host a party to introduce their newborn to their friends/family.

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  • PginSAPginSA
    Phew, maybe it is just my circle. My boss and mother in law have both thrown their own, and expect me to. I checked with a few friends, they said to throw it, but I'd feel wrong. Honestly, I'd rather skip it. I don't mind having a lunch party with girl friends, but I wouldn't ever throw a shower. My husband now says that his female friends are also angling for an invite? Maybe a big lunch in third trimester is a way to make people feel included, but not demand gifts. Co hosted with my mother in law. She brings food for an army in any case, so that would be hard to avoid.
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  • Airynn ChicaAirynn Chica member

    I too am an American living in Botswana and married to a Ghanaian. I know talk about cultures!

    Everyone here keeps asking when my shower is and I just say I don't think I'm having one. My students threw me one at school and the staff will throw one as it is the norm at my school (I assume it's this week since this is my last week, but I am in the dark).

    Ghanaians have a naming ceremony so I will be doing that but not expecting gifts at all! 

    I guess I would say see if your mil and you can do it together. It's weird to me to throw my own as well so maybe the idea of a lunch or a sip n see would be good! You could invite people to a lunch after the LO comes to meet him/her?

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