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January 2013 Moms
RockyTopVols
member
My Massive Rant/Vent/Grrrrr
RockyTopVols
member
Okay, I am going absolutely insane over here and I need to vent. Preferably to people who don't know me. Preferably to people who may be able to sympathize with me. I don't care. I just need to put this all somewhere and have someone say "There there it will all get better".
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So I am going to break this down per person. First off, there is my Sister In Law. When I first met her, she seemed okay. A little dry but no problem. Things were fine until things got more serious between my wife and I. She started to butt her head in our relationship... I squashed that. Then she kept trying to get me to go out with her, just me and her... I squashed that. Well, once my wife and I got married- she can barely stand me.
The problem is she is all ate up with jealousy and anger about her life vs my wife's. My wife has a Master's degree, works at a teacher, is now pregnant, and is married to a financially successful person who can give her the option to stay home or not. I paid for our 2 week trip down in south Florida this past summer. I pay for our weekend getaways etc. I have been blessed career wise.
My SIL feels sleighted. She is the older of the two... She is 31.. but she lives with her Dad at home. She works at a popular retail food/drink chain that recently brought back their seasonal pumpkin flavored products. She is single(ish- we will get to that). She resents my wife (who is 29- not exactly a spring chicken) for being slightly more "successful" than her. She can't afford to pay her own bills so her Dad gave her a credit card to use and he pays it off. He pays her car insurance. He pays her phone. He pays for EVERYTHING for her- no wonder she has no ambition, her 65+ year old father pays for everything. And he won't retire because he says his "children are in no place for him to retire". MMMMMK.
Her problem is that she is desparate for love. She will date a guy for about a week- smother them, they run away, she gets depressed and hates her life so we all have to walk on egg shells around her. She meets another guy online, dates for about a week.. rinse repeat. Well, she just found a guy online again (like the 200th guy since I have known her) and after 2 weeks- changed FB status, bought him tickets to our local beer fest next month (excuse me, used her Dads credit card to), claims she "has never felt this way before" although she says that EVERY TIME. No big deal.. I tell her I wish her well, I'm happy for her, Glad she is excited.. blah blah blagggity blah.. and then I say "Just becareful. Don't put all your Happy Eggs in one basket!" because she has a history of putting her entire well-being into guys and then when something happens she is wrecked for 6 months (even if she has only known them 2 weeks). She gets offended and is all upset because I am not being "happy enough" for her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. REALLY. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE. IM GLAD YOU ARE HAPPY BUT REALLY.. YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY ALL OF 2 WEEKS.. AND ALL YOU HAVE TOLD ME IS THAT HE "OCCASSIONALLY" SMOKES POT AND WORKS IN A CALL CENTER. OK COOL.. AND YOU WONDER WHY I WOULDN'T WANT THIS GUY AROUND MY DAUGHTER.
Anyhow, I told my wife not to tell people the name we picked out for our daughter. We decided to use her mother's middle name- her mother passed away from cancer about 13 years ago. She lets it slip to her dad so she tells her brother and sister. Her sister FLIPS THE F OUT. She texts my wife and says "We need to talk. Not through texts." and then a week later, because she couldn't be bothered to come over because she was dating some dude at the time (not same guy as described above) she shows up. She asks me to LEAVE THE ROOM. Uh what. She says it doesn't concern me. HELLO, I PUT HALF OF THE BABY BATTER UP THERE TO GROW THE KID. I AM PRETTY SURE ANY CONVERSATION ABOUT MY CHILD CONCERNS ME. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! So, they go into the bedroom. About 30 mins later she leaves. Of course, my wife tells me everything that happened and told my SIL she would because it does concern me. She told my wife that she "always imagined" she would pass along Diane to her daughter (her sister's middle name is Diana, her mother's middle name was Diane). My wife told her there is nothing wrong with still doing that? Many families have multiple people that share a middle name to honor someone. Well apparently, my SIL was not having it. She said she would be "so upset and hurt" if my wife and I gave our daughter their mother's middle name. My wife was polite and said that it would be one thing if she told us this like you know, anytime in their entire life or anytime my wife has been pregnant the last 23 weeks (hurray, 23 today!). My thing is this.. UH HELLO. YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO BE CLAIMING BABY NAMES. YOU LIVE WITH YOUR DAD AND CAN'T PROVIDE FOR YOURSELF, MUCH LESS A BABY. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WITH ANYONE LONG ENOUGH TO CELEBRATE A "HAPPY 1 MONTH DATING-VERSARY" HOW ARE YOU LAYING STAKE TO BABY NAMES? AND IF SOMEHOW YOU DID GET FINANCIALLY STABLE, DID MOVE OUT OF YOUR DADS HOUSE AFTER THE LAST 9 YEARS, DID MEET A GUY WHO COULD TOLERATE YOUR COMBATIVE AND NEGATIVE ATTITUDE, AND DID GET PREGNANT.... THERE IS A 50/50 CHANCE YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE A DAUGHTER. Oh my god people grr.
Somehow, because I am a male, I am also unfit to make any decisions about my daughter. Her friend has 4 kids though so that makes her an expert. Never mind the fact I can read a book. Never mind the fact I can take classes. Never mind the fact I can go online and join an active community of pregnant people and message them via a message board. Any time I have an opinion on anything I want to do- she immediately shoots it down "well, my friend ________" or "No, you need to _______". Apparently, she doesn't like our nursery colors. Apparently, she thinks she is going to be living at our house after the baby gets here. UH NO. My company gives me 2 weeks paid paternity leave- I will be there thanks. My wife and baby can sleep and do their thing. I can handle cooking/cleaning/etc. My wife and I decided the first 3-5 days or so.. no visitors. We want to spend time just us bonding, figuring out what we need help with etc. We are going to adopt a "Don't call us, we'll call you" policy. That way not everyone comes over at once. And we can ask for the help we know we need (got this tip from a TB article. woot). Her sister thinks this is awful and we will just fail without her. She says it "takes a village to raise a child", which I agree, family plays an important role. But there are boundaries and she needs to accept SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE MY CHILDS PARENT. I see how she treats my nephew and nope, not happening. My nephew could cuss her out and kick her and bite her.. and her response would be to bargain and negotiate with a 4 year old. She doesn't believe in discipline apparently. Apparently, she wants to be in the delivery room with my wife and I. Apparently, she thinks I just donated the sperm for this child and because I'm a guy.. I should just give up all parental rights to my wife and her. UH NO.
I'm just over her and her negative attitude about everything. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her because all she can do is try to hook up with guys so she has what my wife and I have.
That is my biggest thing. She is combative. She is negative. She pisses me off.
Now my Brother In Law. He is a pretty cool guy. I actually do like him. But he is the biggest manchild I have ever met. He is 27 (I am 25) and he has a 4 year old son. You would think I would be able to go to him for first-father advice, etc? Nope. That would be like asking his 4 year old son for advice. He and his son moved in to my wife's house 3 years ago. His whole thing was "to save up money and get his own place". He never moved out. He split 50/50 custody with his ex-girlfriend. But he had to have a room. And he had to have a room for his kid. So him and his son took the 2 bed rooms and my wife converted her den/laundry room to her room.
Fast forward to now, we are married. I moved in with her because I was living in my awesome bachelor pad downtown and clearly- not something I owned. So we got married, I moved in with her and took over the mortgage payments yadda yadda. And BIL was still there with his part time kid.
Let me interrupt here- I feel a bit robbed. My wife pretty much did all of the maternal things for our nephew while he was growing up to this point. My BIL has no sense of responsibility- he would play games while my wife would dress his son, feed him, bathe him, etc. All of that. She even admits to these maternal feelings and I almost feel I am starting out a page behind because she has such strong maternal feelings for this kid. When she was first pregnant, she even made the comment "she might not love her own kid as much as she loves (insert nephew's name)". She did apologize later and said that isn't true and she was upset- but it still hurt me deeply and is hard to let go of.
Anyhow, fast forward to today. Once my wife became pregnant- time for me to hammer down. Told the BIL he had to move out.. There just wasn't room for all of us in the house. He understood.. and did nothing for a month. (Side note: when we told her father she was pregnant and that her brother had to move out... he seriously told her "well make sure there is still a place for [insert Nephew's name]". What really? Dude. No. That is what the brother should be providing for his son. Not us). So I pressured him over and over.. and he finally got a place a week ago. Has he moved out? No.
He has cherry picked some items here and there to take over. He can't afford his new place and we all told him so. So now it is like he is slowly moving out while keeping one foot in the door here- so he can jump back in when he can't pay rent (even though his dad told him he would help pay his rent and he could live with him.. and the 31 year old sister.. if it didn't work out. Good job.. your 31 and 27 year old children live with you and have failed on every level at life). Last Saturday, he sat on our couch all day and play videos games on his computer- while I took his son outside to play, my wife fed him, etc. There are some domestic issues with his ex-girlfriend, she failed a drug test in court at a custody hearing, so- he has full custody of his son right now. And he is finding it "too hard". Uh duh.. WHAT DID YOU THINK? YOUR SON ISN'T A GERBIL YOU FEED AND WATER IN A CAGE AND THEN LEAVE ALONE ALL DAY. We told him we would help while we could until the baby got here. He works in the medical field (yes, this d-bag actually has a decent job too) so he picks up night shifts. We agreed we would watch his kid over night and he could pick him up in the morning. My hours are very flexible so I can stay till he gets there. Well, he gets to the house and I leave for work. Turns out- he just went to bed on our couch and let his 4 year old run around unsupervised all day. I got home from work and the house was a wreck. He woke up and took his son and just left. And left our house trashed. Who doesn't supervise their 4 year old? So thats the end of that- he WILL be picking up his son and he will not be staying there. I don't care if you live 15 mins away and thats too far of a drive. I don't care if you had to drive by your townhouse to get to my house. wah wah wah.
Well then, he "informs" my wife today that since he has Drill (he is in the national guard- its their one weekend a month service), he will just "drop the 4 year old off tonight and pick him up Sunday". Woah woah woah.. back up? Say what? Uh NO. He has to be at Drill at 8AM. They are done at 4PM. It is literally 10 mins from his place. It isn't like he is being deployed. It isn't like he is going away for 2 weeks for his annual advanced training states away. He is going to work normal job hours, 8-4. I have NO problem watching his son while he works. But I'll be damned if we are going to be stuck this whole weekend baby sitting his kid because he just doesn't feel like it, doesn't want to drive the 15 mins, would rather go out with his buddies to the bar, would rather go sleep with some random skank, etc etc. DROP OFF AND PICK UP YOUR KID LIKE A NORMAL CARING AND LOVING PARENT DOES. AND SERIOUSLY... MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE ALREADY.
I am just so stressed about all of this. My wife and I should be getting things together in the nursery. We should be painting. We should be baby proofing. I WANT TO DO ALL OF THAT. But we can't. Because we are held hostage by her grown ass brother who won't grow up and move out and her intruding sister who can't mind her own friggin business and leave us alone. My BIL and SIL do not like me at all because I have to stand up for my wife because they have ran over her all of her life.. she is a very passive person and lets them take advantage of her. I put a stop to that and they think I am "tearing their family apart". Apparently, they believe I married into their family and should just go along and get along.... Uh no. I may have married into their family, but I married my wife. Her well being is my #1 concern.
I'm going to give myself a heart attack over all of this. TGIF. Thank God the Vols are playing tomorrow. I am putting a pork shoulder on the smoker tonight at midnight for 15 hours- marinated it all night. Rubbed it this morning with some Cumin, cinnamon, chipotle red pepper, sage, and garlic- and going to have pulled pork tacos for dinner.
Thanks for letting me vent. You ladies are awesome. I have told my wife some of this but, with everything she is dealing with the pregnancy, it isn't fair for me to have her shoulder all of this either.
Thanks again.
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Re: My Massive Rant/Vent/Grrrrr
This!!
BFP #2 5/6/12 EDD 1/16/13 DD born on her EDD 1/16/13
BFP #3 1/26/14 EDD 10/9/14
yeah lol.. I guess it is kinda long. Sorry. It started off one thing and just kept growing and growing.
And trust me.. Moving is not out of the question. I work in a very marketable field that I could do almost anywhere. And my wife is a teacher and can do that from anywhere.
Man this is rough! I am glad you are standing up for your wife. Let me tell you as someone who also gets taken advantage of because I'm too nice to say no (too scared, more like it), it's nice to have someone step in once in a while and take the burden off me. You are right, the two of you are definitely not responsible for the rest of her family. It is nice that she loves and is close to her nephew, but she still shouldn't have to be taking care of him the way she has been.
It doesn't sound to me like either of them can be changed from a quiet, serious discussion, and grandpa's certainly going to be no help. I think you'll have to keep on keepin' on & try not to let it stress you out too much. Your dinner tonight sounds awesome! Enjoy the game tomorrow too, it will get your mind off stuff
Wow! Okay I'm breaking my response into segments.
#1: Your SIL is batspit-crazy. First, she does NOT get to claim a name. No one does, EVER. We are using the name Ruth for our little one. This was my grandma's name and is my sister's name. We do not tolerate people who tell us what we can and cannot name our child. My sister is excited and doesn't care. DH's mother on the other hand says that we CAN'T use the name (umm.. watch us!). Also, Ruth's (my sister) boyfriend says we can't use the name (she's told him to stfu).
Andplusalso, you and your wife decide who gets to be in the delivery room. It has nothing to do with being a woman, you're the daddy=you get to be there. Same arguement for after your daughter comes home.
#2: Change your locks. Say, "We're overwhelmed with getting ready for baby and we can't watch our nephew for a while. The house isn't safe for a child and we need to fix that before our LO gets here. You (BIL) and nephew need to be out by (DATE)". Then legit change the locks. Who gets a key? You and your wife (PERIOD). Yes, it's going to suck for your wife but she needs a little distance from nephew so she can connect to your baby. It sounds like grandpa will babysit, so don't feel guilty.
#3: I want some smoked pork shoulder tacos.
Wow. So sorry you're going through it. I know that you're trying to transition and still trying to help out family, but it sounds like it would be best to stop helping him out at all and force him to figure things out on his own. It's the only way he'll start taking responsibility. My parents had to do that with my brother (no child, just no ability to control his finances). It would be super difficult because of the maternal connection your wife has with your nephew, but it could be a temporary thing so that he starts to appreciate all you've done for him, which it sounds like he really isn't.
As for the sister, I don't really know what to tell you. From the posts you've had on here in the last few weeks, I'd say your wife has a pretty understanding and supportive husband that would make a lot of women very jealous, especially in a time where we pregnant ladies need as much help as we can get. That's gotta be super hard for her sister that wants that so bad to handle. It might be best to listen to what she has to say so at least she's heard, but also continue to stand your ground and do what you know will be right for your family.
Also, KUDOS on 'baby batter' totally telling my husband that one. Made me LOL
Hope you're weekend gets better!
http://aminsarah.blogspot.com/
I'm lucky and I have awesome inlaws, but my mom was not so lucky, so I've learned some good advice when it comes to dealing with inlaws.
1. Make sure you and your wife are in agreement and that y'all have each others backs.
2. All communication with your wife's family should go through your wife. So if you are naming your daughter Diane, your sister makes it clear to her sister, this is how it is. If nephew can't stay the weekend, your wife has to tell her brother. These maybe be both of your battles, but your wife has to be the voice and the enforcer when it comes to her family.
You have got a lot on your plate! I hope things get better soon.
LMAO!
http://aminsarah.blogspot.com/
We have been working on this. She gets intimidated by them and bullied into changing her mind. She has gotten A LOT better though. Just by talking with me about it she has really come out of her shell. We are working on being consistent.
Thanks for the advice. I am afraid most of you are right- we are going to have to just make my BIL leave and tell him to fend for himself (in a nicer way than that). It is the only way he will learn to.
The problem is my FIL is a huge enabler. He refuses to tell them no. They are so spoiled. For my SIL's birthday next month, my FIL bought her a new set of tires for her car and a couple tickets to an event next month- and she complained because he also bought a couple tickets for his coworker's birthday. She said "He gave me life and he got me the same thing for my birthday". UH.. SIL.. you are going to be 32 next month. You should be more grateful that you got more than a card.
This is why my family is not an issue. I have an addict sister, a slightly eccentric mother who is also an enabler, etc. But I distance them and make sure they all know the rules. They don't come over unannounced. I don't like drama and have made it a priority in my life to keep my family at arms length. Unfortunately, I now have to combat the inlaws lol.
Wow! That's a lot...
Your wife's family sounds similar to mine except that my parents are also not understanding of boundaries.
My advice: You're doing a great job. Keep setting boundaries and sticking to them. Keep going to bat for your wife (she appreciates it even if she doesn't say it all the time). Put your wife and your child first, always.
I agree with pretty much what everyone else has said, and especially with the 'stay firm' advice above. The SIL and BIL need it.
The only caveat I have, is about your poor nephew. It sounds like you and your wife have done an amazing job taking care of him, especially your wife, and I'm guessing that you two are the only stability he has in his life. While I think you need to be firm and get BIL to man up and be a real dad, I also think you need to be really careful about your nephew. He's lived in your house for a long time... as you kick dad out, make sure he knows you guys still love him and will help take care of him.
I guess the general question to ask is, if you pull out the support, do you think your BIL will take care of him well, or do you think he'll totally drop the ball? Some people get thrown in the deep end and find out they can swim... others do actually drown.
Wow! Her family sounds toxic.
If moving away is an option, I highly suggest you get your wife on the same page and do just that. My H and I did that this year and are sooo glad that we did. My family is BSC (though in different ways than yours) and it is nice to have some distance. This doesn't mean I don't hear all about it but at least it can't walk in my front door.
Also, counseling for both you and your wife is imperative. Your wife needs to know how you feel and you need to find out exactly how she feels. A counselor can help you both determine what safe boundaries are and get you both on the same page so you can make decisions together and stand behind them. It sounds like your wife needs to see how detrimental these family members can be to your future life together.
My H and I went to counseling for this very same reason and it certainly helped us to stand together as a unit. Not that I don't fall back into old habits but it is easier for me to see that and change accordingly. H is still cordial and polite to my family, he just doesn't like them very much and for good reason. That is fine with me.
My sister's bf is currently going through it though with my family. He and my sister just had a baby. He is very angry with my mother and my other sister but unfortunately he has just started to go to counseling and is only just learning what he needs to do to let go of the anger and move on to a healthier stance towards my family. I am hoping that he can do that and be happier with his choice of boundaries for them.
This is not something that will happen over night. Good luck!
I wrote in the UO thread that my H's oldest sister is similar to yours. 35, single, lives at home, parents pay most bills. She is actually gainfully employed though and gets to spend her $ on concerts and clothes. Anyway, when Ds came along Sil, would always comment about how inadequate Dh was at caring for his son. Chiding him for not changing him "correctly" and even called him Uncle to our son a few times as in- oh here's uncle Dh come to steal you away! Um no. He is not the uncle, he is the father!! When we announced this pregnancy, she didn't talk to us for a few weeks. Like us welcoming a new life into the world has any effect on her. We never ask for her to babysit (she never offers). Good. I'd rather pay my sitter $10 an hour than feel indebted to her!
So you're not alone. I don't have much advice except grin and bear it if that's what your DW wants. But stand up against the crazies when she needs support. Ensure your DW agrees on who is in the delivery room with you. (bribe the nurses so Sils not allowed to just show up.) Name your Dd what you want. If Sil loves the name so much, she can name her hypothetical DD that name too. Diane is your wife's mother too! Not just Sil's. And ask your DW to give Bil a move out date. Agree to babysit Sat but not Sun bc you've got plans. Give a little so your DW doesn't feel like she's abandoning her family, but stay strong for her when she feels like caving to avoid confrontation. it'll get worse before it gets better I'm afraid. GL!
That is the hard part. Honestly, I don't think he will be able to. He doesn't have the patience. He doesn't have the dedication and commitment that is required of him to do it right now. That is why he does well in his national guard service- he has someone directly above him telling him what to do when to do it. He needs that kind of structure in his life. Without it, he is like a chicken with its head cut off.
Trust me, I love my nephew. For the most part, he is a good kid. But- at one point do my wife and I have to cut the cord from her brother so we can focus on our own family? I feel bad about it, I really really do. But- this kid is so rowdy, wild, etc. Which is fine- he is a little boy as he should be. But with a baby here, there is no way we can focus on a baby- and raise my nephew when his dad doesnt,
My nephew is very attached to my wife and I. He always wants us to go places with him. He always wants me to take him to the bathroom when we are out. He wants me to _____. My BIL gets really jealous and it bothers him so sometimes I have to turn the kid down- but, it is hard for my nephew to want to do things like that with his dad when things like last weekend happened... my mother came by and brought my nephew a birthday present (not even her grandson). He wanted to play with his toy but he needed supervision.. they were LinkinLogs! He asked his Dad to play with him.. his Dad kept saying Not right now and was playing his stupid computer games. Then he came and asked me.. how could I say no? He said "We have hard work to do!" as we were building a LinkinLog Cabin. His kid is so awesome and I love him to death.
It is just a tough situation because at my BIL's house- he will not get that attention. He will bounce back and forth to his mom's house which is a crappy place to be. She is married to a loser, has a 2nd kid by a 3rd guy, and just.. ugh. And of course just failed a drug test at court.
I want to provide the best environment I can for my nephew- but I also am kind of selfish and want to provide the best environment for my wife and daughter.
I am torn.
Having a family that's similar to his, I have to say I don't agree with this. My family walks all over me, but as soon as DH says "boo" they back down. I'd be in a mental institution by now (seriously) if DH didn't filter my families antics.
This. My SIL didn't talk to my wife for weeks once she found out she was pregnant. When we sent her the 1st ultrasound pics... nothing. When we sent the 2nd ones, the only response was "Don't send those to me in a chain" because we texted them to my family and her family in the same text message. Toxic.
This.
4 losses- MC in 2006, MMC in February 2012 at 12 weeks and MMC (twins) August 2016 at 12 weeks. Pregnant again- 11/7/16. Another loss on December 28, 2016.
BFP April 23, 2017. Our triple rainbow baby! EDD: January 2, 2018. It's a boy!
Seriously, you and your wife sound awesome, and I think you're going to be great parents! How cute is: "We have hard work to do!"
I wonder if a family counselor, or even eventually Child Protective Services (but hopefully not), could be of some help? Do you think, given the situation with the mother, that your nephew might qualify for state help of some kind? Whether he does or not, you need someone to help you and your wife navigate dealing with her family, and you need someone to help you figure out how to disentangle yourselves from your BIL, while ensureing that your nephew isn't neglected in the meantime, and this might require two different actions.
Frankly, your SIL is a PITA, but the brother needs someone to kick him in the a--. An intervention might help. If he's dedicated enough to the guard and does well enough there, he can be disciplined. He just needs someone to help him figure out how to bring that into his own life, under his own steam... that's not you and your wife.
Good luck!
Edited to say that I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL for wanting to provide a safe and loving environment for your wife and daughter. But your nephew is four, and, frankly, it sounds like if you and your wife won't advocate for him, no one will.
My first thought exactly. I had to move from my crazy family, now I have to deal with his!! So sorry!
Bahaha! I like this advice.
Seriously though, I'm sorry, your ILs sound crazy and I'd be annoyed to have to deal with them too.
Oh, I also appreciate your "half the batter" comment. I love having a guy around here.
That is all.
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A) I agree with many of the PP's, Move. Find somewhere far away where you two can just be you. (with baby of course!)
So.... about those tacos... >.>
My first thought is: Duuuuuude. That sucks.
I have a crazy portion of my family, and DH and I are the normal ones, so I totally get it. Unfortunately, we've gotten to the point where we just don't really communicate with them that much. They are nothing but drama and bullsh!t, and that's not what we want to deal with at this point in our lives. I know it's harder for you since it's her family, just like I'm sure it's hard for my husband. He comes from what I consider a normal family, so sometimes he doesn't understand. But since I've been treated like crap by them for most of my life, I'm not putting up with it anymore. Plus, I don't want our new baby around them. My step sisters are all drug addicts, one even lives in the house with my dad and stepmom (who pops pills constantly), and there is no way I am going over there with our child. It sucks to have to make decisions like that when it comes to family, but it all comes down to what is going to make you and your wife happy. You are making your own family, so now you get to make the rules.