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A question for you ladies

septmom11septmom11 member
in Blended Families

I am not technically part of a functioning blended family but wanted some advice from all you ladies who are in different variations of the blended family

Background, I dated BD for 4 years. He had a DS from a previous relationship. During our relationship I was a part of his DS life and he would come stay with us on some weekends ( there was no set CO) BM did not care for me but could communicate with me or call me directly if it concerned her DS.

BD and I broke up right before i found out i was pregnant with DD. I told him about the pregnancy, he was not supportive and wanted nothing to do with it. 5-6 months into my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating on me the last month or so of our relationship and that resulted in a pregnancy as well. He stayed with his current GF and she gave birth to a DD 2 months before i gave birth to mine. I have accepted that BD does not want to be apart of DD's life. I cannot force a father daughter relationship but i would never keep them apart if he wanted one.

The issue i am struggling with is my DD has 2 siblings that she will grow up not knowing. BDs son's mother may not even know my DD exists. I dont know how or when to tell DD about her siblings. I don't wnat her to find out when she is older and some how resent me for not fostering a relationship for them, but there is no way for me to do that. BD's GF has basically told him to abandon my DD and the other BM probably knows nothing. I dont want to reach out to anyone because it will most likely cause drama that i dont want.

 I am just at a loss and am looking for advice or insight from anyone I know i have time to figure this out since my DD is so young. I just think of how i would feel if i found out i had a sister and a brother i never knew sorry this got so long

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Re: A question for you ladies

  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    Do you and your daughter live locally to all the players in this scenario?

    Is there a chance that they will end up going to same elementary schools, etc?

     

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  • septmom11septmom11 member
    we do not live in the same towns, 20ish minutes from eachother.  I dont think they will bump into eachother through school,sports ect.  It is probably just gonig to be me and DD for our little family and i want to grow a strong trusting relationship with her.  That is why i am struggling with this issue.
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  • twister22twister22 member

    This is really tough, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think it's awesome that you want to have an honest relationship with your daughter - I do think that will be to your benefit. Your DD will likely ask about her BD at some point, and when she does, you can bring up BD's DS & DD too, and let her know that those are her siblings.

    You say you think BM1 doesn't even know that BD had a baby with you? I would let her know. Maybe send her an email or a message on FB. Just something simple, "I know you never cared for me, but there is something I thought you should know for your DS's sake. BD and I had a DD together, she is x months old. Feel free to reply to this or call me at x." Even if BM1 ignores you, at least she knows.

    I am interested to see how others will reply. 

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  • septmom11septmom11 member
    THank you twister.  I am also interested in hearing all different opinions as this is a STRUGGLE!  I have thought about messaging her many times but knowing her it will do more harm than good.  BD has also abandoned her DS since we have broke up so she must already have some very harsh feelings.  Although i do credit her on being a single mom and raising her son without any help she is still very immature and full of drama (always has been).  I think by me messeging her i will either get a harsh response or BD will get a raging phone call which could spin into a whole lot of drama.  I do get what your saying though about it being for her DS.....  For all i know she does know and just has not reached out either.
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  • riabironriabiron member
    my sister and neice have the exact same issue. my sister contacted the other mothers and just said that if thier child ever wanted to contact thier sister then to call/email her. she has never heard but she has thier names and some contact information to provide to my neice should she be interested in finding them.
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  • socloudy99socloudy99 member

    It is wonderful you want to be honest with your DD. The truth is at some time she would find out even if it is by accident. It will me much better if she grows up knowing.

    I second reaching out to BM#1. A lot of her anger is probably toward BD and since you are no longer with him she may calm down her drama. It at least gives her to option to be an adult. She may not take it but you tried. Maybe a "BD and I are no longer together but we had a DD. I am reaching out to see if you are open to your DS and my DD having any contact?"

    I wish you the best! Remember what your DD grows up with is her normal so it is great you are choosing to leave that door open with her siblings.

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  • septmom11septmom11 member

    THanks everyone.  I know that BM1 does know about BDs other daughter.  I am not sure if her DS and the baby have met.  The sad part is DD's sister is only 2 months older than her and her mother has encouraged BD to abandon my DD.( i am sure it is jealousy issues towards me since she most likely thought they were together as i did when we both concieved).

    Your are all right BM1 does deserve to know.  what she does with the info is her choice.  I already know BM2's stance on my DD so there is no reason to reach out to her. ( i guess i can be labled BM3 Yikes!)  When i work up the courage i will try to draft an email to BM1

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I wish I had great advise on how to handle it but I don't. I will give my two cents FWIW and make a comparison that is not really the same. I am adopted, it was a closed adoption and my parents were not given much info but my entire life I have known I was adopted, my Mom would read me a book as a baby/toddler and it was talked about such as "when we got you", etc. I am eternally grateful I did not find out one day that there was another part of me that people lied about, I would be so hurt if people around me, especially people like neighbors I do not even really know, knew something about me that I did not.
    I know that is not the same but I personally would find a way for her to never not know so there is not a big sit down on day.

    As for the rest, if it were me I would contact The first BM and tell her that you wanted to make her aware that you had a child with him and you are open to fostering a relationship between the kids even though your DD does not have one with BD, and that this is strictly for the benefits of the kids and separate from BD and you are not trying to start problems. See what she has to say and if she is not open I would tell her you understand that the situation is ackward but that if she changes her mind you would love for the kids to know each other.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    My oldest (half) sister was parental alienated against my father by her BM. She is 10 years older than me and I knew about her all my life. I finally met her when I was 10 and she was 20 and she decided to try to get to know my dad. She had intense jealousy issues over my other (half) sister who was my mom's child -her stepsister and eventually within 5 years she cut off ties to my entire family over it because she blamed my dad for everything (even though her BM had ran off to Mexico with her-literally) and she did not like that he treats everyone equally. When I turned 20, I contacted her again. I look at it like 2 wrongs don't make a right and I feel that my dad, her BM and my sister are all at fault. I love my sister and I view her as part of my family. If she would have been hidden from me, I would have been very upset. We don't see each other often because we are both busy and she will not come to family functions or anything the rest of my family is invited to, but we see each other about 2-3x a year where we spend all day together and we chat on FB and the phone in between.

    So if I were in your situation, I would let the other BM know because this is about your child and their sibling and that way you can tell your child you did everything you could.

    So while, I know my story is different, the point I'm trying to make is that your child might want that relationship (like I did) and it is their decision to make once they are old enough but you shouldn't hide it and you should try to do anything you can to foster it

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member

    My ex also has grown daughters who are my DS's sisters.  Since I broke up with my ex I have been in contact with his exwife.  While we were together her and I were on fairly friendly terms.  Her and I have become better friends and she has brought her daughters to visit my DS at my house.  As you can imagine ex is not happy about it but there is not a damn thing he can do.  His daughters want to have a good relationship with their little brother and since he won't foster it I will.  My son loves his sisters and I am glad that we all can get along so that he can see them. 

    I think if his ex wants to have contact with you and your DD then that would be great.  But if she doesn't want it unfortunately you can't do anything about it.  And as for his current GF I doubt you will be able to have any contact with their child.  Hopefully your ex will come around and want to have a relationship with his child sooner rather than later.  I am so sorry you are going through that. 

    What about the rest of his family?  Do they have any interest in knowing your DD?  Seems like they would.  What about child support?  Have you filed? 

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  • emikatemikat member
    I agree with PP that suggest sending a message to BM1. I would be as open and honest about it as you can. I have two half sisters and one half brother that I met when I was very young. I also have another possible half sister that my mom knew about. My mom was always honest and open about their existence. Only one of my sisters is interested in having contact with me. The other I have never heard from in adulthood. My half brother and I are Facebook friends and we've exchanged a few messages. I also know one of my nieces from my other probable half sister. I am grateful for my moms honesty in knowing their existence. The sister that I communicate with didn't know about our other potential sister until she was contacted by her! When she asked me about it, I told her I knew, I had no idea that she didn't, and she was surprised that my mom and dad had shared that with me. I'm glad I wasn't in her shoes. Be honest with your daughter no matter what the other people decide. Also, you should absolutely be getting support from BF. I hope you have filed.

    ETA: sorry for formatting and any typos. Bumping from phone.
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    TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!

    FET 4/28/2015 - Transferred 1 M embie. 5/6/15 BFP!

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  • septmom11septmom11 member

    I agree with your entire post.  My only reason for thinking about contacting the BM is for my DD.  I want to be open and honest with her about her family from the beginning.  I do get court ordered CS from BD (when he actually makes a payment)  the only time he has met DD was in court.  I had to bring her because i didnt have a sitter.  HIs current GF and DD also went to court that day. 

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  • +j+k++j+k+

    I have the same issue. Sort of.

    There is 28 years between DD and her brother and 22 years between DD and SD.  Her other half sisters (also in their 20's) who are estranged (for lack of a better word) with H have not shown any interest at all in meeting DD at all. In fact, one has shown some jealousy toward DD as well.  They are all adults.  DD is 2.  MIL is not going to be in DD's life with her drug abuse.

    I have no idea what I am going to tell DD, but when the time is right, I figure I will know what and when. I'll tell her something that is age appropriate and as she grows up, she will know more and she will know who are siblings are and eventually , why there is no relationship. 

    If DD wants to pursue a relationship, she can when she's old enough but I will not encourage it, nor discourage it.

    Hopefully I will raise DD well enough that she can decide for herself what that relationship with them will be - if there is even one at all.

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  • septmom11septmom11 member
    haha Wendy i completely agree.  And i may have told him in a heated arguement in the past that he should be sterilized!
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