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September 2011 Moms
linzica
member
s/o SAHM vs working Moms
linzica
member
I have seen the mommy wars too. On either side. I went back to work FT when Q was 3 months and I left work to be a full time SAHM when he was 7 months, not just because i wanted to be a SAHM, but because of health issues and medical appointments that were conflicting with my job.
When i was working I always got "oh, its a shame you're missing out"
Now that I'm home I always get, "It's hard to live for just your child"
You really can't win. I really enjoyed having grown up time when i was working. Being linzica who can get a project done faster than the meeting we had to discuss it and never left work in the basket at the end of the day.
Now I really love being Q's mom who he knows and trusts more than anyone else in the world and who vacuums the floor every day instead of twice a month. And who was there when he pulled up for the first time and will be there for his first steps.
Both ends are really hard too. I think very little of anyone who claims otherwise, or can't at least be understanding of the opposite position. there is nothing to be smug about. We're all just doing our best.
What say you?
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Re: s/o SAHM vs working Moms
The only thing I judge is moms who honestly don't spend time with their kids at all. That was a pretty big thing in the area I used to live, with live-in nannies.... Women who treated their kids as accessories. Why bother having children at all if you aren't actually going to raise them?
But yes. Who the eff cares, at this point, you know? If you think you're doing the best possible for your kids, that's all that counts. Just don't be all up in anyone else's face about it.
After I had M, I went back to work FT on the ambulance (just 3 weeks after I had her, and not the 6 that they prefer). I regretted it. I missed her every single time I left her. So I worked for a month, then I quit to be a SAHM. I love my decision 95% of the time. But the other 5% I miss working, and making money. I miss that adult interaction and patient interaction. I loved my job. We are living on DH's income, which is possible, but it definitely makes money tight. I still want to go back to school, but it's being put off a lot longer than I would like. Especially since #2 is on the way.
But I am glad I'm a SAHM. My family and DH's family all work, so finding a sitter would be hard. And daycare... it wouldn't pay for me to put her in daycare. I'd be working just to pay for daycare. I'd rather spend the time with her. And like you said.. I got to see M's first steps, hear her first words, etc. It's something that doesn't last, and I'd be missing it all if I worked.
ITA, Marion. The only moms I judge are the ones who treat their kids like accessories. It's a shame.
The rest of us are just doing the best we can and who am I to judge that?
Even though things haven't worked out for me like I planned, I feel so blessed to have spent this past year mostly at home with Carter. Now I'm looking for a full time job and I'm going to miss being with him like crazy, but it will also be nice to have some adult time...and, of course, the extra money. I just don't see why it had to be this big "war" and an "I'm better than you" type of thing.
"Because when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing."
~Dr. Suess
Im a working Mom and went back at 8 weeks. There are days when I'm at work that I miss the heck out of her but there are also days I am glad I have a place to go and she gets the exposure to children and daycare.
I try to include her as much as I can in my free time and think twice about attending something that is not baby friendly. She is my life even though I work to provide for her. There are some saturdays though where I just wonder how the SAHM do it everyday. I love her and I would change anything.
I work 37.75 hours a week (fulltime at my job) If I could afford to do it I'd love to go PT but right now that is not an option for us. I think SAHM's Rock!!!
We're all just doing the best we can. This mom gig is HARD no matter how you do it.
I really think it's the media that does the majority of stoking the flame of the mommy wars. Like this week, the professor that was bfing her baby in class. Seriously? That's news? A single mom doing the best she can do and we need to interview her on GMA?
I will admit to being a leetle jealous of working moms sometimes. You guys get to have actual adult conversations every day! But I also really love staying at home with G.
I've seen my mom, who worked full-time to support us and my aunt, who was a sahm both have things they liked and disliked about what they did. Both work incredibly hard though, so I don't think one type of mom is better than the other.
For me, I have thought I might enjoy having a part-time job, just to get out of the house on my own some, but I know I would worry about DS the whole time.
I had 12 weeks maternity and towards the end i wondered how people could do it being a SAHM. I loved being home with K dont get me wrong but i also felt a little stir crazy ( probably didnt help that it was just me and K in my home)
Now that i have been back fulltime for so long i hate it!! i am jealous of my mom and the babysitter who get to spend so much quality time with her! I know i am her number 1 but i miss her like crazy! I try to pack the weekends with playdates and other kid friendly activities, but that leaves no adult time.
Sighh the never ending mommy guilt!
The grass is always greener....
Well, in this case maybe that saying works more for outsiders looking in. I'm a SAHM after leaving a company I was with for 11 years. I was very successful, climbing the corporate ladder, and very good at my job. There are very small things I miss about working there, but not much. I love love love staying at home with DD. But I think other's look at me (and other SAHM's) and are either jealous (not necessarily in a bad way) or think about what a waste it is of my college degree and career.
::shrugs:: whatever. I'm doing what is best for my family, as I'm sure other SAHMs and WMs are as well. I don't judge or participate in the "war."
I think it boils down to jealousy.
It's really hard to stay focused on your own life and not compare yourself to others. You are not in the other woman's shoes and she's not in yours. The decisions she makes are not going to work for your family, only you can make those decisions. A lot of time it comes down to money and money issues often breed jealousy. I also think judging others can sometimes be a way to cover up your own insecurities. I'm insecure about my lack of cleaning skills and so sometimes I'll get snarky about friends that are really good cleaners. Where's the love and female solidarity? Why not be proud of my friend and try to emulate her positive traits?
I think some people think being a SAHM = you are rich and that is so not the case for most people. Most SAHMs I know pinch pennies and cut coupons and are constantly finding ways to save money because its a sacrifice to lose that income. My girlfriend gives me the whole "must be nice to work PT" speech, that they can't afford for her to cut back but then brags about her new Coach purse and her upcoming trip to Vegas.
I have a crush on you now! Very well said
FWIW I worked FT Jan to July and now I am FT SAHM. Both are hard in different ways. I stay home now for a variety of factors, one being we couldn't find child care I was comfortable with that we could afford to make my salary worth it anymore. If we could, I would probably still be working FT. I did want more time with O, and I didn't have flexible hours or a lot of PTO so we decided what was best for OUR family was to have me stay home. It is tight budget wise and it is really hard to get use to for me right now but the sacrifice is worth it FOR US.
Every family needs to make a decision on what is best for them, frankly it is none of my business and I worry about focusing my energy on my son, not what someone else is or isn't doing.
agree.
I agree as well!