touchy subject shower

slstyle33 · September 2012

hey everyone,

im hoping someone on here can give me some good advice as how to approach my mom. So I'm jewish and in my culture buying anything for the baby before hand is bad luck. So therefor we don't have showers. But my husband is catholic and this our first and don't have anything. I asked my mom if she was going to have a shower for me but my mom said, " I don't know " I mentioned to her that some friends might have one for me then, but pretty much left it up to her for. Now when is it safe to re approach her? and how? I'm so confused. Thanks for listening.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Well, it's really not appropriate to ASK someone to throw you a shower. Etiquette says that you wait until someone actually offers one up, because they are a gift in and of themselves. So really, you shouldn't approach her again at all.

I guess I'm also confused because you state in the beginning of your post that you are Jewish and it is considered bad luck to buy things before the baby is born...So why would you ask your mom for a shower, anyway?

growbeangrow · September 2012

Has anyone else offered to throw you a shower outside of family?

Lilopinto · September 2012

Hey Sistyle I know what you are feeling right now, I believe you can ask your mother right away if she is in fact going to do the shower for you? The reason been that you and your husband are a family on your own, you can respect your mother's wishes and traditions, but you have to most importantly respect the new traditions you have within your family (husband, You and Baby). Think about it, didn't you already take away from your Jewish culture by marrying a Catholic man? If your mother cant understand that I think she is being unreasonable, Your friends offered to do it for you then fine. Explain it to them and have fun is your child not mom's. Hope this helps.

Allycat11 · September 2012

MrsNorry:
Well, it's really not appropriate to ASK someone to throw you a shower. Etiquette says that you wait until someone actually offers one up, because they are a gift in and of themselves. So really, you shouldn't approach her again at all.
I guess I'm also confused because you state in the beginning of your post that you are Jewish and it is considered bad luck to buy things before the baby is born...So why would you ask your mom for a shower, anyway?

Exactly this. You should not have asked in the first place, so I really don't think you should bring it up again. Also, if it is considered bad luck in your culture I am even more confused about why you asked her to throw a shower for you.

EastCoastBride · September 2012

Lilopinto:
Hey Sistyle I know what you are feeling right now, I believe you can ask your mother right away if she is in fact going to do the shower for you? The reason been that you and your husband are a family on your own, you can respect your mother's wishes and traditions, but you have to most importantly respect the new traditions you have within your family (husband, You and Baby). Think about it, didn't you already take away from your Jewish culture by marrying a Catholic man? If your mother cant understand that I think she is being unreasonable, Your friends offered to do it for you then fine. Explain it to them and have fun is your child not mom's. Hope this helps.

Huh?

A: No, you don't ask ANYONE if they are throwing you a shower. If your mom wants to offer to throw one AFTER the baby is born, that is her choice to do so.

B: If a friend or someone on your DH's side offers to throw you a shower before and you want to take them up on it, then you are more than welcome to do so.

BUT if your mom opts not to come, that is also her choice. You married someone in the Catholic faith. Your mom did not. She doesn't have to do anything against her beliefs because of your choices.

starfish717 · September 2012

slstyle33:
But my husband is catholic and this our first and don't have anything.

Ditto what others have said - you shouldn't ask for a shower, but if one is offered, you can gladly accept.

Also, it sounds like you are waiting for a shower so everyone can buy you all the stuff you need for baby? Maybe I misread that, but that's an irresponsible approach. I wouldn't wait for everyone else to buy you baby things, that's your responsibility as parents. If others decide to pitch in, that's just an added bonus.

rhubarb123 · September 2012

EastCoastBride:

Lilopinto:
Hey Sistyle I know what you are feeling right now, I believe you can ask your mother right away if she is in fact going to do the shower for you? The reason been that you and your husband are a family on your own, you can respect your mother's wishes and traditions, but you have to most importantly respect the new traditions you have within your family (husband, You and Baby). Think about it, didn't you already take away from your Jewish culture by marrying a Catholic man? If your mother cant understand that I think she is being unreasonable, Your friends offered to do it for you then fine. Explain it to them and have fun is your child not mom's. Hope this helps.
Huh?
A: No, you don't ask ANYONE if they are throwing you a shower. If your mom wants to offer to throw one AFTER the baby is born, that is her choice to do so.

B: If a friend or someone on your DH's side offers to throw you a shower before and you want to take them up on it, then you are more than welcome to do so.

BUT if your mom opts not to come, that is also her choice. You married someone in the Catholic faith. Your mom did not. She doesn't have to do anything against her beliefs because of your choices.

I agree with ECB

mben1119 · September 2012

You don't approach anyone ever about throwing you a shower. A shower is a gift that someone offers to you. And why would your mom throw you one if it goes against her cultural beliefs? As a parent, you need to be prepared to buy your LO every and anything he or she may need. It is no one else's responsibility to do so, and to want a shower just for that reason is selfish.

honeybee72 · September 2012

starfish717:
slstyle33:
But my husband is catholic and this our first and don't have anything.

Ditto what others have said - you shouldn't ask for a shower, but if one is offered, you can gladly accept.

Also, it sounds like you are waiting for a shower so everyone can buy you all the stuff you need for baby? Maybe I misread that, but that's an irresponsible approach. I wouldn't wait for everyone else to buy you baby things, that's your responsibility as parents. If others decide to pitch in, that's just an added bonus.

This. It sure does come across as (1) you wanting a shower because you want people to outfit your nursery and (2) the fact that your husband's faith is different gives you a convenient way to bypass your own religious traditions.

526SadieSadie · September 2012

If someone offers to shower you, awesome. If not, you really can't ask them too, especially when culturally it's a no-no on your side.

Not to be an assh0le, but no one has to provide you with anything for this baby - not having any supplies is kinda your problem, no one elses.

jobiann · September 2012

If you would have lurked you would already know it isn't proper to ask someone to throw a shower for you.

So answering your question...it is NEVER safe to re-approach or APPROACH someone to host a shower for you.

And if it was against my religious beliefs...I wouldn't even be considering one.

1026pumpkin · September 2012

I agree with PPs that you shouldn't ask someone to throw a shower for you, but since the person in question is your mom, I think you can get away with being a little more open than you would with someone you're not as close to.

That being said, since you already asked once, I wouldn't bring it up again. I'm assuming your mom's not comfortable with the idea, and I would drop it. If someone offers to throw you a shower, I would just accept and let your mom know about it. If not, everyone can meet the baby at the bris (are you having a boy?) or a "sip and see" type party after the baby is here.

MidwestGidget · September 2012

Lilopinto:
Think about it, didn't you already take away from your Jewish culture by marrying a Catholic man?

You don't "take away your culture" by marrying someone outside your faith. New traditions, fine. But to suggest that you are diluting your culture because you marry outside of it is offensive.

OP: IF your friends offered to throw you a shower, then I think you could go to your mother and mention it. If she doesn't seem like she wants to throw you one, then you accept your friends' generous offer. If your friends didn't offer and you're just hoping they will, then sit tight and wait for them to offer.

slstyle33 · September 2012

To all,

I never intended to ASSUME or ask that my mom was going to have a shower for me. I only asked cause of the fact that my friends asked me and I wanted to make sure. That if my mom wanted to be involved she didn't feel left out. As far as the religion thing goes, yes my mom is a bit more religious then me, but in the past she has known how I feel about religion thing, that alone she knows the reason I approached her. As far as everyone saying that I'm being greedy about having a shower is not my intention, I didn't mean to come across that way. It is actually kind of hurtful to read that. Cause I know I'm not that kind of person and no one should assume that is how I meant it!!

jobiann · September 2012

slstyle33:
To all,
I never intended to ASSUME or ask that my mom was going to have a shower for me. I only asked cause of the fact that my friends asked me and I wanted to make sure. That if my mom wanted to be involved she didn't feel left out. As far as the religion thing goes, yes my mom is a bit more religious then me, but in the past she has known how I feel about religion thing, that alone she knows the reason I approached her. As far as everyone saying that I'm being greedy about having a shower is not my intention, I didn't mean to come across that way. It is actually kind of hurtful to read that. Cause I know I'm not that kind of person and no one should assume that is how I meant it!!

This is a board of Internet strangers...we read only what you post. Maybe babygaga.com is a better place for you.

beforesunrise · September 2012

First, you gotta let the snarky comments roll off you. FTMs like you (and me!) are overwhelmed by what we're getting into and don't always word things perfectly. In general, you'll find folks here helpful and friendly...I have!

As to your question, if/when any friend comes forward, you could have them reach out to your mom. She can then decided to volunteer to co-host, or be a guest or none of the above. You are the guest of honor, not the coordinator of what does or does not happen.

As for the Jewish part, I've seen friends leave the gifts in the garage or basement or with a parent so as not to break tradition.

Goof luck!

beforesunrise · September 2012

haha - that should have said GOOD luck!

simplein06 · September 2012

It may not be good etiquette to ask your mom, but I would do it to make sure you don't end up with hurt feelings later. I would never hear the end of it if my mom wanted to throw the shower and someone else ended up doing it instead of her because she procrastinated.

Just remember... you don't have a shower because you have nothing.. you have the shower to share with your family and friends and because someone has volunteered (not been volunteered) to host it

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