- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
lvnlife3184
member
recent change and new drama! (long)
lvnlife3184
member
made my new acct and change in username.....waiting on other account to be deleted....name was too obvious so just in case i wanted to change.
Recieved a letter over the weekend from BM's attorney stating she wants mediation over the fact that DH wants his father and father in law to babysit the children after school hours. They offered free childcare. Currently the children are picked up by a family friend/distant relative of BM's. they split daycare costs 50/50. its only 2 days per week and those 2 days are the days they are in DH's custody. She has nothing to do with the pickups from babysitters. Just the fee's. Our fathers did offer to do this for free for both parties. DH sent BM an email stating that and said he'd like to implement this on his weeks to pay starting XX Days....then asked what she would like to do. Instead of responding and discussing any of this with DH she went to her attorney what we would assume to be the next morning and did this instead. anyway...
Does anybody have experience with mediation and how it all works? i have a good idea of it but still curious to others experiences. We feel and DH's attorney feels he doesn't have much to worry about because ultimately she can't tell him how to spend his money and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with a paternal grandfather and stepgrandfather picking the children up and taking them back to their own home waiting for dad to get home. but we all know legal systems and mediators/judges can be wacky at times. just keeping our fingers crossed that we are able to get out from under her control over some things still and live ours lives the way we choose to...
We made a list for DH's attorney also showing other reasons this was a decision his made including the babysitter they use now has a dirty house, husband smokes inside, and she feeds the children fast food/junk daily while with her. Also because of her being close with BM whether in friendship or related by blood (can't figure it out...) they speak behind DH's back and don't share all information with him that is needed. Last month before school started he drove the children to the babysitters house in the morning for the day and she was on vacation. Out of town. He had no idea because he was given the wrong information apparently. His father luckily came to the rescue and watched the kids for the day.
We realize this is her control issues more than likely, considering we are offering free childcare which would save her over $1000 a year...why would anyone go to an attorney to stop that? your paying money to make sure you can keep speanding it? The reasoning is she has not met my father. Although she never just asked if she could. He's willing to meet her along with giving her his phone number, address, and he even said she can run a background!! ugh...any input from anyone on what you think mediation will do for us? I just hope considering this is only involving days the children are in DH's custody....it will favor him.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: recent change and new drama! (long)
That was our point exactly. She could have just said back to DH, she would like to meet my father and have his phone number on hand. Theres no problems with that and it would make complete sense. DH was just starting the discussion in general to get her feel on it and to see if she'd be interested in saving the money bi-weekly. Obviously she enjoys spending money more than saving....
The funny part is my parents and her parents grew up together and have known each other for 50 years if not more. She's doing this out of spite or something I think.
She'll be in for a surprise when the letter being sent back shows up because DH's attorney will be stating in the letter that not only will he go to mediation for the daycare options, he also wants a real holiday schedule set in place during this mediation. They never had one in the CO and because we live around her work schedule she has been able to pick and choose how all holidays are spent. Hopefully that is taken care of too now.
Well in our opinion, with divorce comes loss in control over things. DH can't control who she has babysit. He isn't going to throw a fit if her boyfriends mother or father were watching the kids. She has stepfamily that she has watch them anyway. Her stepbrother and his wife. Her stepmom does at times. He can't throw a fit if he wanted. Whats the point? She's their mother and makes decisions on her time, just like he is the father. I guess its difficult because he has them 45% of the time every month so we are much more involved in their lives than some parents who have gone through divorce.
But yes her parents and herself even lived nextdoor to my grandparents for a period of time even. My mother and her mother or father (can't remember which cause they all lived in the same neighborhood) lived nextdoor to each other as children also and just a few months ago at SD's kindergarten program her mom came and sat with mine for about 30 minutes and talked to us. I think it just makes her mad that all of us are friendly to one another....She's the only one who isn't.
Just some things to think about...
The BM may make a claim that the change would be disruptive in the dcs lives. If they are used to one sitter, and have been going there for years, a judge may want to see a substantial reason to force a change - and money alone will probably not cut it. I know you are already collecting that info, but I am sure it will come up.
The BM may claim that the change would not be in the dc's best interest. For example, my exh wanted to change my dc's daycare provider to an elderly family member to save money. I fought it because IMO, it was in dc's best interest to continue in the paid program, where her friends are and where she is cared for by trained, certified individuals, vs being cared for by an older family member who lives far away. From your posts it does not seem like the dcs in this situation are in a really great daycare program right now, but BM may try to make the case that they are. She may also try to prove that an older caregiver may have health issues or may not be able to do active things. Again, just things to be prepared for.
Good luck to you!
Well the lady now who babysits is the same age as their grandfather and stepgrandfather. They pay her cash under the table. She's by no means a certified daycare provider. Just a distant relative or family friend. (I told DH to ask his attorney if he should start paying by check and asking for a receipt for tax reasons now...)
Her attorney states in the letter that his client see's no reason to take the children out of a "comfortable setting" which we understand is a legit thought...but to have them picked up by a grandfather and stepgrandfather who they see both on a weekly basis...sometimes 3-4 times a week already...we aren't sure what the real complaint is. They even attend church on DH's weekends with stepgrandfather. He is no stranger by any means.
DH's fight pretty much is...what is more comfortable than their own home? They would be going to their own home to spend the rest of the afternoon instead of this lady's house, as I stated before, where her husband smokes inside and they ruin their socks because its so dirty. Clean white socks come back black on the bottom. I oxy and bleach them and nothing helps. I know thats not a complaint to take to court but it does show that cleanliness is not a priority there.
I guess its just hard to understand how BM can control where DH takes the children on HIS time. He is the one picking the children up. She would not be confronted herself at all with our families. The other days of the week she is not working and does pick ups from school herself and is in no need of a babysitter and if she is, she doesn't make DH aware of it or get permission from him who can and cannot watch them. And she shouldn't have to. He doesn't expect that at all. As much as they don't get along and we've had so many problems in the past, he still trusts her as their mother to leave them in the hands of people who will treat them fairly and I think he's looking for the same and wishing she'd let him make his own deicisions and let us make things more convenient for everyone (including the children.) With sports practices after school some days, we believe it will be much better for the kids to be at home and changed out of school uniforms by the time we arrive home rather than DH having to drive 10 minutes across town to pick the kids up and get back home and we end up shoving food in their mouths and running out the door.