I'm livid. So mad. So freakin' mad.

BigIsland07 · September 2012

A few of you may remember a few weeks ago I posted about DS getting picked on at school by a bigger kid. At the time, DS's teacher told us he was likely lying because they didn't see any of that behavior happening while at school. I let it go and just tried to dismiss it when DS brought it up.

Well, in the last week or so the assistant teacher has been coming in early and I've had the chance to chat with her when I drop the kids off. She has shared that for the past several months (that's right MONTHS) this bigger kid HAS been picking on DS and HAS been taking his toys, hitting him, etc. And that she and another teacher have been making a concerted effort to help the older kid be more appropriate and to keep DS and this kid away from one another. A few other things came up as well when we chatted this morning.

WHAT??!! It HAS been happening? WTF lead teacher? Why would you tell me it has NOT been happening? So for the last two months I've been telling my kid that he's imagining things (I haven't actually said this) and dismissing his claims and requests for help (not direct, but that's why he's been telling me about it).

I feel like a horrible parent. I always tell myself to trust my mommy instincts -- and in this situation they were telling me to trust my child. That he WAS getting picked on. That the other kid WAS being a booger. That the lead teacher wasn't totally accurate. I'm a horrible parent. Way to go mom -- great lesson: When you need me, and you come to me, I won't listen. I won't believe you.

To top it off, DS has been having really rough mornings and hasn't wanted to go to school (gee, I wonder why) and I totally flipped on him this morning and told him to JUST GET DRESSED (and by told, I mean screamed). Again, way to go mama. Make him feel like he can't be upset for not wanting to go to school 'cause he's getting picked on.

I have a good relationship with the assistant director and I freaked out to/with her this morning. I was livid. So. Freaking. Mad. She's going to meet with the director today and give me a solid plan of action by 2 p.m. If things aren't in a better place by tomorrow, I'll go straight to the owner. I'm just so angry. And frustrated. And disappointed in myself.

Anything else I should do? How do I make amends with DS??

Littlejen22 · September 2012

My blood is boiling for you. If it were me that teacher would no longer be in that class or any future class of his and same for the kid that has physically been hurting him for months. I would tell them this is what will happen or I would file a complain with the state and BBB. There is ZERO excuse for lying to your face and calling your child a liar when all along your child was telling the truth.

jenn_darrin1515 · September 2012

Littlejen22:
My blood is boiling for you. If it were me that teacher would no longer be in that class or any future class of his and same for the kid that has physically been hurting him for months. I would tell them this is what will happen or I would file a complain with the state and BBB. There is ZERO excuse for lying to your face and calling your child a liar when all along your child was telling the truth.

jenn_darrin1515 · September 2012

Littlejen22:
My blood is boiling for you. If it were me that teacher would no longer be in that class or any future class of his and same for the kid that has physically been hurting him for months. I would tell them this is what will happen or I would file a complain with the state and BBB. There is ZERO excuse for lying to your face and calling your child a liar when all along your child was telling the truth.

OMG! pretty much this. I would want that teacher out of my child's classroom and I would expect the boy to be removed from his class as well (or at least 1:1 shadowed until he can behave better...with timeouts or something in the event he is found bullying any kid). the lying is unacceptable from the lead teacher. I would be so pissed.

Please don't beat yourself up for dismissing your child. you did the right thing - following up with the teacher and when she told you nothing was going on, what were you supposed to do? Our kids are still young, and sometimes they do make stuff up or overexaggerate...we trust the teachers to honestly tell us about any and all school situations. If they don't removed the teacher from your kids classroom I would start looking for a new school...and write reviews all over google, etc. b/c that kind of behavior is not ok.

zoe_cat · September 2012

I'm so sorry! I'm so mad for you. I would not want my child to have that teacher anymore. What kind of teacher just brushes something like that off and assumes the kid is lying?! As far as your DS, I would just gently bring it up with him. Something like "remember when you said soandso was picking on you? Can you tell me more about that? I'm really sorry that's been happening. I will work with your school to make sure that doesn't happen again." Don't beat yourself up about it, it's so hard to know about these things and what were you supposed to think based on what the teacher told you? Good luck getting this sorted out with the school.

macchiatto · September 2012

I'd be really upset too. Ditto Jenn.

Angela814 · September 2012

I would be so upset, especially with the lead teacher telling you that your son was lying. That's a huge red flag to me. A preschool teacher should be communicating in a positive manner with you. If they really didn't see the behavior, there would still be no reason for her to accuse him of lying. I hope that the director has a good plan of action for you and that your son is able to enjoy school again.

Brewtowngrl · September 2012

I did the exact same thing with DS1. I still cry over not paying attention to all the signs that he was a target at his old daycare. I even asked the teachers about him having friends and if he participated with the class. We pulled him after the bully got a few other "friends" and beat him up in the playground. Closed fist and kicking beat up by 3 boys.

I am pretty emotional about it so my solution might be extreme, but the bully should be kicked out if he is hitting. They should have a lesson on bullying for a week. If the child is allowed to stay then you need to know that the parents are involved in this.

pea-kay · September 2012

That makes my heart hurt.

Don't beat yourself up, you didn't know. But I hope that kid gets disciplined, and the teacher as well. ESPECIALLY the teacher.

shellybird101 · September 2012

I'm not saying that what happened to your son is not horrible, but I see that your son is only 3, so how old is the other boy 3 1/2-4. Boys will be boys! I would see if you could move your son to another class, but if you make the director kick that little boy out of the school, that other family will have to scramble to find another school pretty fast. And I don't think that's fair. I'm sorry again that this has happened to your son.

Littlejen22 · September 2012

shellybird101:
I'm not saying that what happened to your son is not horrible, but I see that your son is only 3, so how old is the other boy 3 1/24.nbsp; Boys will be boys!nbsp; I would see if you could move your son to another class, but if you make the director kick that little boy out of the school,nbsp;that othernbsp;family will have to scramble to find another school pretty fast.nbsp;And I don't think that's fair.nbsp;I'm sorry again that this has happened to your son.

The other kid has been doing it for MONTHS, not once or twice. How long do you let something go on before kicking out a kid? Most schools are three strikes. And why should her kid be moved, he was innocent. The assistant admitted this was a problem for months while the lead teacher told her nothin was happening and that her kid was making it up, I think when an issue has been going on for that long something dramatic must happen.

Quiksilver620 · September 2012

Angela814:
I would be so upset, especially with the lead teacher telling you that your son was lying. That's a huge red flag to me. A preschool teacher should be communicating in a positive manner with you. If they really didn't see the behavior, there would still be no reason for her to accuse him of lying. I hope that the director has a good plan of action for you and that your son is able to enjoy school again.

I also think you should sit down with your son and just be honest that the teacher didn't tell you the truth and apologize for not believing him.

neverblushed · September 2012

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Here's how I would handle it:

1) Begin looking for a new preschool asap. I would have little confidence in the leadership at this school. If the director handles it by changing him to a new class or by canning the teacher, I'd stay. Otherwise, I'd be shopping around.

2) Speak to the director right away. I am generally a fan of "don't go over the teacher's head" but I think there are situations where you should. This is one of them, in my book. You've already gone to the teacher about it, and she's already blown it. Also, if you go to the lead teacher, she may take it out on the assistant who was honest enough to tell you the truth. You don't want her reward to be some kind of vindictive payback from her co-worker. The director needs to sort this out between the teachers.

3) As for your son, I would be honest and frank with him, but keep it simple. Apologize. Tell him that you believed him and talked to the school, but the school didn't tell you the truth at first. Now they have told you the truth. The school made a mistake and they were wrong. The school is sorry. The adults will work it out so that this boy doesn't bother him anymore. Everyone around him loves him and cares for him, and it's not okay for other kids to be mean. Apologize for yelling at him and tell him you understand why he might not have felt like going to school. Then talk about ways he can deal with it assertively, if another kid is mean. Move on and don't beat yourself up over this.

Situations like this are tricky! I almost went ballistic once when my kindergarten daughter told me she was being bullied on the bus. I was ready to bring down the hammer on the kid, the bus driver, the school -- you name it. Thankfully, I waited a day or two to start calling, because it turned out my DD had totally made the situation up! Ugh! So you never know. Kids at age 3, 4, and 5 really aren't all that reliable, and we have to rely on the adults around them to back up their story. This one's on the teacher -- not you!

Post an update! I want to know what the director does!

ridesbuttons · September 2012

Quiksilver620:

Angela814:
I would be so upset, especially with the lead teacher telling you that your son was lying. That's

sit down with your son and just be honest that the teacher didn't tell you tI also think you should he truth and apologize for not believing him.

Honestly, despite the bizzarro situation, I do NOT think I agree with the above suggestion (in bold). The reason being that I don't think I would want to plant the idea in a child's head (at this age) that a teacher would lie about something like this.

Yes, a teacher might lie. A teacher might be a paedophile. But in general, teachers are good people with children's best interest's at heart. In general. In general a teacher is a person to be trusted. You have encountered the exception and in time, you should convey this to your child while at the same time, keeping your eyes wide open.

The whole situation sucks. I don't like that the lead teacher wasn't truthful. I don't like that the situation went on for so long. But I don't think that this is the death knell to your son's enjoyment of school or his ability to make friends and carry on with life in an expected way.

CHS2005 · September 2012

This happened at DS's preschool a few years ago, and they eventually had to ask the other kid to withdraw. Frankly, I agree with that course of action. If you want to leave your child there and you think he can be safe, I would ask the problem child to leave. (but thats me and how I feel about it) The victim's parent went to the administration and spoke about how the child's actions had been documented (by the teacher seeing it), and that they had continued. This scenario may not be as helpful as I do not know about the interactions of the other kid and his parents or if the other parents were told about his actions, but eventually, he was asked to leave the school. You may want to check the school's hand book about how they handle violent actions among students.

Sorry - my heart breaks for you and your LO - this should never, ever happen.

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I'm livid. So mad. So freakin' mad.

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