Moving on...

greenteabee · September 2012

So you guys may remember my babies' potential adoptive mother being pushy about me telling her why I'm choosing adoption, and me having a discussion with her about being intrusive into my personal life. Well yesterday I told her about my conversation with the babies' father, and she immediately started pushing for details and she was asking personal things again. I told her she was being intrusive again, and she said "I'm not really being intrusive, I think you're being oversensitive. I need to know for the children." then I told her that I would tell the babies when I find it right, or when they ask. She wasn't okay with that, and so I'm now at the point where I don't think I want to place with them, and I want to start looking for new parents. The parents I choose need to respect that I want to keep some personal things personal, and that if the babies want to know, then I will tell them. That they need to know seems like they don't intend to keep openness with me. I just don't like the vibes they've been sending recently.... I really liked them at first, but now that she is being pushy with me I don't know if I like them so much...... bleh... maybe I need to just tell them I need a break from talking to them to clear my head?

I don't like going through this, especially alone...

baze2 · September 2012

Green,

I am so sorry you are going through this..and being alone makes it worse. Some things do need to be kept private. It is your story as well as the babies. It is ok to keep it private. I think you have been very brave to tell her that it is intrusive. She should respect your feelings. I am not sure that their need to know is a sign that they won't keep the open-ness that you are wanting. Some people are just "nosey"..A more approriate response from her would have been "I am sure that was hard talking with him, do you want to talk about it or how it made you feel? When you respond no..that should be the end of it!
My advise to you is to take a break if you need it. Then reevaluate your feelings on the situation afterward. Certainly keep the Potential AP informed of your need for space right now. But take the time that you need! You deserve that. You are going through tough times right now. However, you know what you need..

crene84 · September 2012

I just have a hard time imagining being so pushy with a BM! Certainly I'm sure they'll be very disappointed it you place elsewhere, but you need to be comfortable with your decision and if you do decide that, it'd be good to let them know as soon as you decide. I, myself, am VERY careful what I say to BM, how I say it, etc for the fear that she'll change her mind on us!

srmmm09 · September 2012

Do you have a counselor at your agency? Or anyone you can discuss this with? I feel like it might help for you to discuss what's going on with someone else too. That way you're not alone!

Also, if you're with an agency, they can explain to the APs what's going on or that their expectations aren't appropriate.

amm78 · September 2012

Wow, what a tough thing for you to have to deal with right now. I think you've gotten some great advice from the previous posters. I agree that if you feel you need to take a step back, then you should. You have lots of time to decide what to do.

greenteabee · September 2012

srmmm09:
Do you have a counselor at your agency? Or anyone you can discuss this with? I feel like it might help for you to discuss what's going on with someone else too. That way you're not alone!
Also, if you're with an agency, they can explain to the APs what's going on or that their expectations aren't appropriate.

Thanks.

I will definitely bring this up with my agency....

dholsapp · September 2012

I will say that I was with our soon to be BM today at a dr.'s appointment and I was incredibly careful to not asking any sort of questions that could be intrusive. We always keep it pretty light and talk about her school and her daughter. I know that what she wants to share she will. Hugs for you, and I agree with checking to see about a counselor. I know in my state we are required to pay for counseling for our BM.

IRR · September 2012

Greentea,

Sorry you are feeling uncomfortable. The decision rests with you and I would just suggest you follow your heart. Talking a break from PAP may help you gain a better perspective. I would talk to your counselor at the agency as well and perhaps that will help you. GL.

kmkaull2 · September 2012

Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Do not feel bad or guilty about taking a break from talking to them. You need to be really comfortable with these people, as you may be in their life a long time. If they aren't the right parents, that's ok.

I agree with PP that this woman sounds extremely pushy. I really can't imagine being that intrusive or rude to our son's birth mom. We know very little about our son's birth father as his birth mom has shared very little. I figure that was her relationship, and it is up to her what she wants to share.

Take care.

DaisyZH · September 2012

I would definately talk to your agency about it, she really needs to learn boundaries.

I don't necessarily think that she is not planning on having openness, I'm wondering if she's overly involved in making sure that she has the whole "story" so that she can tell them someday. Maybe she is feeling threatened that you plan on doing it yourself and that you'll be able to give them something she can't? I may be completely off-base but from her behavior/innapropriateness I feel like she's trying to over-control the situation.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, definately take some time, clear your head and maybe she will get the message and check herself and behave a little better.

sarahtoledo · September 2012

It is your right to keep the information private, and it sounds like a break might be a good idea. I wonder if this is something more for you, though -- like a guarantee of future contact? You shouldn't proceed with a couple that you don't trust, and you shouldn't need to feel like you need a guarantee. Just my opinion, and I wish you the best.

Mitzimoomoo · September 2012

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I am making assumptions here but It sounds like this woman has boundary issues. You have explained your need for privacy and she isn't respecting you. She seems to believe that she is guaranteed to be the mother of your babies and that she should start parenting them now. Almost as if she has no boundary between you and her. As if you are one in the same until the babies are born. You are the mother of your babies and you say what goes. On her side of things I don't know her story but it might have been a long journey to get here so she is acting like a boundaryless crazy person because she is so excited to finally have the opportunity to be a mom. Take a break and evaluate your heart.

Jermysgirl · September 2012

I respect both of my children's birth-moms, and if they didn't want to tell me something, I sure the hell wouldn't ask twice. It's intrusive and offensive. And it feels to me like she thinks this is a done deal, which offends me even more than her rude, pushy behavior. These babies are your babies until you sign the paperwork, and she needs to check herself.

Long story short, if you are feeling this uncomfortable now, you need to start looking for a new family.

House of Lovelock · September 2012

What a lot of others said, I wouldn't keep asking as an AP. It doesn't seem right. Praying for you!

MayDayGirl · September 2012

Ok, while I agree that she shouldn't be pushy and you don't have to tell them everything if you don't feel comfortable, I have an unpopular opinion to share.

Right now these are YOUR babies. But soon they will be someone else's babies. You will literally relinquish the rights to be their parents.

Someone else will resume that role.

As a parent, it is my job to teach my children the hard things in life in a loving, gentle and appropriate way that they can understand. My son wants to know why his grandma died, did God give her cancer, why didn't daddy save her he is a dr, why do some people not have homes, why didn't his sister get to grow in mommy'a belly too? All before age 4! Imagine as he gets older!

These and many more are issues we, as his parents, have to decide how, when, and in what way to navigate through.

I have to admit I would not be comfortable with my dd's Bm deciding she would share some possibly hard facts with my kids. She would decide when and how, that doesn't sit well with me. I would personally want to make sure I could help my kids through the process of digesting the news, I would want to be able to bring it back to the center of everything we believe, God, and how he can use this info in our lives.

In some ways it would be like you telling your friends kids they r adopted before their parents could, or that their Bm was raped or something along those lines.

I love love love our dd's Bm, and I will always keep open contact with her. But I simply would not prefer her to be sharing information with my dd without me at least being there. She is like a cousin to our family. Not like another parent. And I think she respects our role as dd's parents to allow US to do the parenting, including giving our kids the hard facts and explaining adoption.

I agree it sounds like you probably should find someone else. They don't sound like the right fit. But I hope you consider what I am saying to you with the next family,

Blsd4given · September 2012

MayDayGirl:
Ok, while I agree that she shouldn't be pushy and you don't have to tell them everything if you don't feel comfortable, I have an unpopular opinion to share. .... I have to admit I would not be comfortable with my dd's Bm deciding she would share some possibly hard facts with my kids. She would decide when and how, that doesn't sit well with me. I would personally want to make sure I could help my kids through the process of digesting the news, I would want to be able to bring it back to the center of everything we believe, God, and how he can use this info in our lives. In some ways it would be like you telling your friends kids they r adopted before their parents could, or that their Bm was raped or something along those lines. I love love love our dd's Bm, and I will always keep open contact with her. But I simply would not prefer her to be sharing information with my dd without me at least being there. She is like a cousin to our family. Not like another parent.

Actually, I agree with you... I just didn't have the guts to say it myself... Smile

Jenn is Silly · September 2012

I agree with MayDay and Blsd4given.

Ultimately, if you're not comfortable, you shouldn't proceed with the match, but I would encourage you to speak with your agency and a counselor first. I think this is something you're going to run into with many AP's, obviously not being super pushy (but you're the only one who can define that for you), but they'll likely want to know, and here's why:

- Research has shown that for adopted children any bombs need to be "dropped" by age 12/13 (I think this is posted below as well). The best adoption counselors also say that you should start preparing your children at young ages, "IE: a bad man did something mean to the woman who had you, but she loved you so much, she wanted you to live with mama and daddy) - not that it's your story, but as an example. So that means that as an AP I need to know as much as I can know about my child and her situation, so I can make sure she's prepared and informed while it's a firecracker in an open palm, not a firecracker in a closed fist.

- While you are the babies mom right now, and you get to decide if you will continue to parent them, or who you feel is best to parent them, once you sign consent, you are not their parent. As a parent, I would feel suspicious about someone who was holding on to information about my child and not sharing it with me, because I'm their parent.

- Lastly, I suspect that she's "pushing" because she sees this as a reason you wouldn't end up matching because there's a deeper issue, because I feel like maybe there is, and she may be trying to unroot that issue by "pushing" you to answer.

Like I said, ultimately you have to be comfortable with the prospective adoptive parents, and if you're not, well that's a whole other issue. But I think speaking with a counselor is a good idea at this point, maybe a "mediation" with the two of you and your agency even.

Best of luck and many prayers of peace!

coriet · September 2012

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It must be so hard. I was adopted as a baby and I admire and appreciate how much my biological mother loved me to place me with my parents. Whatever you decide I hope you find some peace.

greenteabee · September 2012

Thanks everyone.

MayDayGirl and Jenn is Silly, you guys have brought up some really good points that I hadn't thought about.

butterflyroy78 · September 2012

MayDayGirl:
Ok, while I agree that she shouldn't be pushy and you don't have to tell them everything if you don't feel comfortable, I have an unpopular opinion to share. Right now these are YOUR babies. But soon they will be someone else's babies. You will literally relinquish the rights to be their parents. Someone else will resume that role. As a parent, it is my job to teach my children the hard things in life in a loving, gentle and appropriate way that they can understand. My son wants to know why his grandma died, did God give her cancer, why didn't daddy save her he is a dr, why do some people not have homes, why didn't his sister get to grow in mommy'a belly too? All before age 4! Imagine as he gets older! These and many more are issues we, as his parents, have to decide how, when, and in what way to navigate through. I have to admit I would not be comfortable with my dd's Bm deciding she would share some possibly hard facts with my kids. She would decide when and how, that doesn't sit well with me. I would personally want to make sure I could help my kids through the process of digesting the news, I would want to be able to bring it back to the center of everything we believe, God, and how he can use this info in our lives. In some ways it would be like you telling your friends kids they r adopted before their parents could, or that their Bm was raped or something along those lines. I love love love our dd's Bm, and I will always keep open contact with her. But I simply would not prefer her to be sharing information with my dd without me at least being there. She is like a cousin to our family. Not like another parent. And I think she respects our role as dd's parents to allow US to do the parenting, including giving our kids the hard facts and explaining adoption. I agree it sounds like you probably should find someone else. They don't sound like the right fit. But I hope you consider what I am saying to you with the next family,

This. I couldn't have said it more elequently.

butterflyroy78 · September 2012

MayDayGirl:
Ok, while I agree that she shouldn't be pushy and you don't have to tell them everything if you don't feel comfortable, I have an unpopular opinion to share. Right now these are YOUR babies. But soon they will be someone else's babies. You will literally relinquish the rights to be their parents. Someone else will resume that role. As a parent, it is my job to teach my children the hard things in life in a loving, gentle and appropriate way that they can understand. My son wants to know why his grandma died, did God give her cancer, why didn't daddy save her he is a dr, why do some people not have homes, why didn't his sister get to grow in mommy'a belly too? All before age 4! Imagine as he gets older! These and many more are issues we, as his parents, have to decide how, when, and in what way to navigate through. I have to admit I would not be comfortable with my dd's Bm deciding she would share some possibly hard facts with my kids. She would decide when and how, that doesn't sit well with me. I would personally want to make sure I could help my kids through the process of digesting the news, I would want to be able to bring it back to the center of everything we believe, God, and how he can use this info in our lives. In some ways it would be like you telling your friends kids they r adopted before their parents could, or that their Bm was raped or something along those lines. I love love love our dd's Bm, and I will always keep open contact with her. But I simply would not prefer her to be sharing information with my dd without me at least being there. She is like a cousin to our family. Not like another parent. And I think she respects our role as dd's parents to allow US to do the parenting, including giving our kids the hard facts and explaining adoption. I agree it sounds like you probably should find someone else. They don't sound like the right fit. But I hope you consider what I am saying to you with the next family,

This. I couldn't have said it more elequently.

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