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Blended Families
fellesferie
member
My kids' birthdays + MIL
fellesferie
member
My MIL hasn't seen my kids in over a year. She had emailed us weeks ago to discuss flying in for the kids' birthdays (DD is 3 on Jan 20 and DS is 8 on Jan 24).
She just booked the trip and emailed us her itinerary. She'll be here Jan 18-23. So she's leaving the day before DS's birthday.
On one hand, it's her trip and her life and all. But she's planning to stay at our home. And I'm... upset.
She's kind of weird about her grandkids. She openly favors her daughters' children over her sons' children. She'll openly blog calling one child her "smartest" grandkid or her "most beautiful."
I'm not really sure what to do (if anything). I'd really like to say something even if it's just "we're sorry you'll miss DS's birthday." DH thinks there's nothing to say that's going to improve the situation, so we shouldn't say anything.
Any thoughts?
my read shelf:
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Re: My kids' birthdays + MIL
I like to think the best of people, is it possible the airfare was cheaper leaving a day early or she couldn't get additional time off work?
Has she favored DD in the past over DS?
my MIL very openly favors my SD over my DS (both my DH's kids, but she spent a LOT more alone time with SD when she was a baby and "bonded" more with her than DS) so in my instance if MIL did something like this I would know it was intentional.
lets be honest though, she's not going to change her flight. she did whatever she felt like she needed to do, and that is that. Sure, I would bring up the fact that she won't be there for DS' birthday and ask if she wants to celebrate it the night before (I'm assuming since these birthdays are still a few months away most of your plans aren't set in stone yet..)
She sort of favors DD over DS. But since she never sees them, I haven't said anything. This is the first time I've worried about something hurting DS's feelings.
She's retired. I have no idea about airfare stuff. She's leaving on a Wed and DS's birthday is on Thursday.
If we celebrated his birthday early (for her), it would have to be on the 22nd, which is only 2 days after DD's. And I'm not sure how I feel about doing that.
Maybe I'm overreacting?
Your DS is your H's SS, correct? Maybe MIL doesn't feel like she needs to stay for her step-grandson's actual b-day, and being there around the time is good enough. She doesn't actually owe him anything because he's not her bio-grandchild, though I understand this is probably not the nicest thing for her to do.
Besides, do you really think your DS will notice/care that much that your MIL leaves the day before his b-day? I know my SSs get b-day/Christmas gifts from and spend time with my family when they visit, but SSs could really care less if my family is around or not quite honestly.
In the end, I think you have to let this one go and not say anything about it. She's going to be there for your DD's b-day (her bio-granddaughter), and maybe that should be enough.
Yes, DS will definitely notice.
She doesn't owe him anything, but these are my kids and my home. And I owe it to them both to protect them when I can.
I think you are looking for problems.
Your MIL is taking the time and expense to visit your children / her grandchildren, and you're complaining about how she is not going to be present for DS's EXACT birthday?
I think you need to be reasonable. Are you going to throw DS's birthday parties on the EXACT DAY of his birthday every year, for the rest of his life? Or are you going to plan them on Saturdays and Sundays - because it is more convenient for everyone involved (working parents, long-distance friends, etc.)?
I don't even know why you are bringing up MILs other grandchildren - does she talk about how much better they are than your kids when she visits? Is she staying at your home, but going to visit SILs kids while sleeping under your roof and eating your food? If she taks about how great her "other granddaughter" is - just counter with something special that your kids do.
Personally, I think it's rude to plan a trip, and then mail the dates to your host - but unless you really plan on saying "sorry, those dates don't work for us" she's going to come over. Stop looking to be angry at her and appreciate that she is making an effort to see the kids.
I don't want to sound mean, but maybe she favors the other kids because you obviously can't stand her.
If you don't like her facebook posts, un-friend her.
As I said, it's possible I'm overreacting. But you're making a lot of baseless assumptions.
I've posted here probably a dozen times that I mostly like my MIL. She's been kinder to me and DS than she could have been. We get along fine 99% of the time.
I mention that she favors her other grandkids to show that she has kind of a blind eye for this kind of thing. She's closer with them because she sees them more. DH and I (and my BIL and SIL) think she could be less obvious about it, but it's not a huge deal since the kids don't read her blog.
She has an open invitation to my home, and the main reason I'm hesitant to even mention DS's birthday is that I don't want her to feel bad at all. Getting the emailed itinerary has just thrown me for a loop, and I'm worried about my kid getting his feelings hurt.
That's a possibility.
DH and I have been tossing around the idea of doing some Big Fun Thing for both kids' birthdays on Jan 19, and then having a small dinner + cake for each of them on their actual birthdays. We'd then leave it up to DS if he wants to do his on his actual birthday or two days early w/ MIL.
I know I sound whiny. But DH and I kind of promised each other that we'd never make the kids combine birthdays if they didn't want to. And with only 4 days between their birthdays, it's hard to monkey around with it at all.
We only offer huge parties w/ friends every other year, and we did it last year. So, yes, if MIL wasn't going to be here, we would have just done a small dinner on the actual days.
I'm over it. I'll just come up with something when we're a few months closer to the events.
I will say it's typically cheaper to fly on weds than thurs/fri so it may be at least partly financially motivated given that she's retired.
Celebrate early and roll with it.