- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Jmollo28
member
HELP
Jmollo28
member
I need advice. My Stepdaughter is 10. Her mother left her when she was 4 and she has only had phone conversations with her recently. We keep SD all of the time. I've been around for 3 years now and over the years SD has been continuously getting more and more aggressive. We've had her in therapy for 3 years (since my husband and I met, due to the adjustment of a new relationship) - and each therapist has tested her and she has not been diagnosed with anything.. not even ADHD. However, my SD is abusive. She is verbally abusive - she calls my husband and I stupid and tells us she hates us and tells us to shut up. She also is physically abusive. She kicks and punches and has full blown toddler tantrums at the age of 10. We've had her in therapy. We've taken everything.. and I do mean EVERYTHING but her bed and dresser out of her bedroom and had her work for her stuff back.. but everytime she works for her stuff back.. she gets it back and then the battle starts all over. We've tried positive rewards.. such as a "surprise" bag for good behavior. We've spent extra time with her and recently in June I had a baby and I'm terrified she's going to do something to hurt him. What can I do? I want to hit her back to show her she can't bully me, but I do not believe in spanking. I have sat down and really spent time talking to her about how much we love her and we have a very open house where we talk about everything. I can't figure out what is causing my SD tantrums. Honestly, it is as if we say NO and she sees red and immediately goes into a panic rage! She isn't getting any help from therapy because she isn't angry when she goes into therapy, therefore she seems like a cute rational young lady who is very cooperative and understanding. SD doesn't have any problems at school, no problems with friends, no problems anywhere but at home. She honestly thinks she is queen of the house and is very disruptive. What can I do if therapy isnt working? How do I stop her from hitting? Oh, and time out! hahaha.. I had to actually put a lock on her door (on the outside) and when she becomes physical and dangerous to the household she is locked in her room until she calms down. (which normally takes 40 minutes or more) and now, she's learned how to pick the lock and she runs around the house throwing stuff and laughing and screaming. I'm at a loss. I love the little girl as much as I love my son and we do everything to show her and she still is abusive.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: HELP
I think you will need to video tape these outbursts and time the duration for the therepists and doctors to view and assess real life.
I've followed your posting before and while I can't diagnose...seems like ODD fits here. You should look up ODD symptoms and see if that fits.
If she has no problems anywhere but at home and is a perfect little angel at with the therapist, she is playing you all. My mom and her sister have two very different ways of raising kids, my aunt like you didn't believe in spanking and in her case son would throw tantrums. We wouldn't dare through a tantrum because my mom just wouldn't have it. She wouldn't beat us but when we got out of line we got a quick spank, no harm and frankly, I think my brothers and I are better for it. And that is how I raise my daughter. My aunt finally got tired of it one day and when he kicked my little cousin my aunt kicked him back and spanked him. Things didn't immediately change but he did see that he was losing his control. My aunt became more firm and slowly my cousins behavior started changing. I know spanking isn't for everyone but your SD needs to know she doesn't rule your home.
I hope things get better for you.
Make a pregnancy ticker
I feel like you were telling my story, only my SD is 15. I posted a week or so ago about our issues. When you said she sees red when you tell her no, that is our situation exactly. IMO, and as PP said, it gets worse as they get older, so it would be in everyone's best interest (including SD) to stop it now. As a teen you could have to deal with drugs, alcohol, sneaking out, school probs, and a plethera of destructive behaviors, which is where we are now.
Therapy for SD is a great option, but perhaps family counseling as well, which is what we are trying now. Behavior like this can escalate so quickly; for example my SD has threatened to hurt herself multiple times, and attacked her dad the other night. I'm afraid of who she'll lash out at next. Me? DS?
The most important part (and the hardest maybe) is getting DH and any other adults in SD's life on board with whatever changes you implement. In our case, SD knows her BM and BM's parents just placate her and give her whatever she wants, so she just runs to them when we put our foot down.
As a sidenote, my SD has now been diagnosed as Bi-polar. She's on new meds so we'll see if they actually help or not. GL with your situation! I wish I could help more, but I do empathize!