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2nd Trimester
Other Dads need to STFU
My DH pointed out to me yesterday that he keeps getting crap from people he works with/friends. "Not Congrats! Now you'll never sleep.." but "Oh Sh*t... what did you go and do that for?" or "Man, you're supposed to pull out!!!" or "Oops, your in for it now... your wife will hate you, your kids will hate you, be prepared to be enemy of the state"
Our baby was planned and it ticks me off that other Stupid Dads are ruining the excitement for my husband by feeding him crap and filling him with doubts... so DH has been going thru phases where people are excited for him and he is happy, people give him a hard time and he sulks...
Anyone else getting this feedback?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Other Dads need to STFU
I haven't heard of FI's friends saying anything like that to him, but he does have one jerk, a$$hole of a friend that I imagine would have said something along those lines to him.
Honesty, if I were your H, I'd say something like, "That sucks that YOUR wife and kids hate you and you're projecting that on me, but we'll see. Thanks for the heads up."
To me, that sounds like regular "guy banter". I actually side-eye your H more for "sulking" and letting it get to him.
You can't control what people say. But he can control how he reacts to it.
Started fertility treatments 11/2010
Ovarian dysfunction, LPD, male factor
6 failed medicated IUI's
Pregnant 5/2011 - Miscarriage at 6 weeks due to triploidy
Decided to adopt - 6/2012
SURPRISE! Pregnant without intervention - 7/2012
Sweet Baby James Born 3/2013
Decided to be "One and Done"
....OR NOT.
Pregnant 12/2018 despite birth control pills
Here we go again...
Due 8/26/19!
As an expecting father- I can attest to the fact this is the norm. Especially in the 18-30 age bracket.
Most of it is just teasing. It is very stereotypical in today's society that the whole "settling down" image is bad and that having a kid is the final nail in the coffin for "living free". At my last job I was teased by single guys, married guys, guys with kids, guys without, etc. It really is just "a guy thing". Some of it is razzing "Welcome to the Club type" but it was never malicious.
Actually, I switched jobs about a month and my coworkers are all now 40+ older guys in a pretty corporate environment... and everyone has actually been very supportive and asks how we are doing all the time. I really think it is just generational.
But, why on earth would he tell you this was going on? I heard of all that stuff and more- and I would NEVER tell my wife they said this. She is very emotional during this time and she would take it seriously- like I think you are. Because it is just that- harmless teasing. If you talk to these guys in a one on one setting they are actually usually pretty supportive. My best friend gave the same crap to me- but he is actually the most supportive person to my wife and I.
What you are describing is very typical and is really more of a "congratulations". Men are weird. We know. If your husband is offended by it- he needs to tell them that, not you. That is the only way it will stop.
+1 if your husband is sulking and letting it get to him... I would almost want to say "man up".
I'm kidding I'm kidding.
But really, it just is "guy banter" and it truly does upset him then he needs to tell them this... not sulk around because they said mean things which is only going to upset both of you and make this a not-good experience.
This.
Henry Cavill...You're welcome!
BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
BFP #2: MC 7/2/11 @ 12 weeks
**Missing our February '12 LoveBug**
BFP #1: MMC discovered on 12/6/10
Agreed, My husband is a Firefighter and the youngest guy at his firehouse, so he got a ton of crap from his coworkers. But they are all fathers, and they were all very happy for him. But they are guys, and they give each other crap all the time.
BFP#1 -3/18/12- M/C 3/31/12,
BFP#2 -4/25/12, Beta#1 17dpo= 800, Beta#2 20dpo= 3800, Ethan James born 1-5-13
BFP#3- February 2015- natural miscarriage
BFP#4- June 2015- Ruptured ectopic, severe hemorrhage and loss of left tube on 7/10/2015
BFP#5- 12/18/15
maybe they are just joking around?
otherwise, your hubs needs knew friends and if they are coworkers he needs to learn to think on his own. just b/c other dads hate their life doesn't mean he will. why is he letting them influence him so much?
exactly!!! They sound like a group of a-holes!!
Thanks so much for the guy perspective - My DH is a bit on the emotional side and he let's things bug him too much sometimes... and he is a very passive person, so he doesn't tend to "stick up for himself" he tends to just not say anything...
He actually brought this up during a disagreement that is ongoing between us over day-care... it is just really frustrating to me that he chose to bring this to my attention - especially when we both made the decision to TTC.
We get some people that are super excited and then he is in a good mood but I think he is listening to the crap as reality, not joking around...
You should pop by the Dad board sometime, there is a guy there who posted something so true...
Unless it is a heart attack or cancer, our problems aren't worthy to your ears! LOL.
I understand some guys are more emotional than others and take things a little harder, etc. My wife isn't a very emotional person at all and it used to bother me sometimes.
I am with you- he really shouldn't have brought it up with you. I don't think he considered the fact if it bothers him, it would bother you even more. I'm sure it makes you feel isolated and not very supported if he lets others bring you guys down from what should be a very awesome experience for you two.
Maybe just be firm with him.. tell him baby is coming whether he likes it or not.. s you better like it, damn it! LOL. Sometimes my wife has to get firm with me and tell me how it is! Ha.
As much as I hate this excuse it just sounds like guys bieng guys. I was watching the New Normal yesterday (dont judge lol) and there was a scene where the straight dads were ragging on the gay guy bc he is having a baby via surrogate and they were all like "dude why wld you do that since u hv a child free pass" and other douchy things... unfortunately thats just what guys do about any and everything serious in life.
IMO neither of you should be any sort of ticked off or bothered and shldnt give their douchiness a second thought
Thankfully my husband is a little older so his guy friends don't pick on him as much, but I know they are d!cks to each other. It's part of their friendship. As a girl, I guess it's like when we're in college and we call our girls b!tches for funzies. 0_o
I do know there is one guy in their poker night who has had all girls and the guys all give him a ration of shiit because he can't put a stem on it. When Mr. went in all proud of his son-making, this kid got such a beating from everyone. Sad but funny.
Part of me would want to tell my H to man up if he told me this stuff. Part of me would realize that he is probably just as scared/worried/ freaked out by parenting as everyone else. Maybe it's easier for him to tell you that other people are saying it than to tell you that he is concerned.
That being said, one of the coolest gifts my H got was from my uncle. It was a new daddy care kit. It was full of stupid things like ear plugs (so you can get some sleep), a pepsi (because you really didn't get sleep), air freshener (cuz the poop smells) and rubber gloves (for all that poop). It also had good stuff like a list of emergency numbers (poison control, the pediatrician, the 24 hr nurse line, non emergency police), a gift card for a pizza place (for when you are too tired to cook) and snacks to take with him to the hospital.
Maybe your H needs a little support. Do you know a dad that would be supportive?
Agreed. Sounds like a bunch of young guys who, like PP said, are probably 18-30. I think it's pretty common.
Once the baby is born, your DH will love him/her so much, that he will actually feel SORRY for those guys. At least, that's how my husband feels. He is always so excited when another guy tells him they're expecting. He always tries to encourage them and tells them that they have no idea how awesome it's going to be.
Tell your DH to grow a thicker skin. People love to give "advice."
My FI is the same way, more sensitive and quite passive for the most part. I don't believe he's had this particular problem though because his friends have all known him for a looong time, and they all know how excited he is for this baby and to have a family. If he has, he hasn't mentioned it to me. If anything I think the only person who would and probably has teased him about this would be his older brothers, but even then they're just doing so in good natured fun.
I think the best thing you could do is probably just talk to him about it and try to get him to see that it's all teasing, maybe have him spend some more time with more supportive friends.
That's horrible! DH works with mostly women (lots of grandmas on his staff), so he gets loads of happy comments and congratulations. His guy friends are all pretty positive too.
Those comments that your DH's wife and kids are gonna hate him is such a load of crap. DH is a caring nurturing father and DS is a total daddy's boy that loves curling up in his lap to watch Spiderman and The Avengers. All my friends kids, boys or girls, love their daddy! Seeing what a great father DH is only makes me love him more.
I'm so sorry your DH is getting such awful and completely stupid comments from his coworkers. Embarking on parenthood is scary enough without crappy stuff like that.
*sits next to Kelly and offers her a piece of quesadilla* Most of my H's friends are excited we are having another. He is 30 and most have more kids. They will still so "oh wait, girl are in trouble, you should have had another boy" None of which would trade their girls in for anything. It's just how they joke.
Now if they said something like "have an abortion now" or something equally douchtastic then I would say something.
Agreed. Not much different than telling a woman how I'm tired and being told "oh well you think you're tired now, wait until the baby is actually here! you'll never sleep again"
The best part is one day your DH will be turning around to say the same thing to other people! It is reality.
Our DS was planned and actually no one said stuff like that to DH but now when he hears other guys around him expecting he always has the look of "they have no idea what they are in for" Its true as planned as this baby is you have no idea how much things change when the baby comes.
Even though all those things are true there are still good stuff so just stay excited about that stuff while being realistic about the rest otherwise you are in for a big shock.
BFP#1 on 02/14/09 BIRTH to Mason 6lb9oz on 10/12/09
BFP#2 on 5/28/11 EDD 2/1/12 Natural M/C on 6/13/11
BFP#3 on 1/20/12 EDD 9/30/12 Natural m/c on 1/27/12
BFP#4 on 4/23/12 BIRTH to Isabella 7lb1oz on 12/19/12
This! 100%! It doesn't sound any different than my H and his friends trash talking over a game. It's what guys do. They razz each other. I would find it very weird if I came home to H splitting a bottle of wine with the guys talking about their feelings. It's just not how they bond.
You fill me!!! Z! My BFP Chart
People did say things like that to DH when I was pregnant the first time. DH would give it right back to them, putting a positive spin on it. I think some men are reluctant to just admit that having a baby is so exciting so they just try to be downers about it.
I guess there are some men out there who really feel that way - sad for them and their children though.
For sure. That's why I'm on TB! I am ecstatic and can't wait lol.