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Blended Families
Frustration...long :)
After only being married for a few months, H informs me that the X has lost her home and has no where for two (teenage) SS to live. Up until that point, they were spending every other week with us. We fixed up their own rec room, bathroom, bedrooms before the wedding, so they have a wonderful space on the two weeks a month they were there. With no choice, SS moved in full-time.
A few months have passed and I am at my wits end. H will not go to lawyer to get full custody, so we get no support from the X and she still is the main contact for school, sports, doctors, etc. H gets a text saying one of the SS needs to be somewhere, and we are responsible for making sure it happens. After their divorce, X kept the home and one of the vehicles (both were still is H's name as well) and lost both of them in the past year. Needless to say H's credit stinks, so it has fallen on me to try and get a mortgage for a bigger home. We have a joint account, but he doesn't put money in there unless I remind him. Then it is a hassle on how much he can afford to put in there. Every two weeks we go through this.
The SS have little respect for me or the house I am providing for all of them. It has been suggested by H that if I want them to do something, it should go through him because they won't take it well from me. Ok...so when he is gone, I can't ask SS to do anything?? They don't have a list of set chores and it goes in spurts of H giving them things to do around the house. Neither of them talk much to either of us and spend most of their time in their room or rec room. The family dinners I tried to have have fallen through because of sports schedules and the fact that they don't like my cooking.
SS are teenagers...one is a senior in high school. Old enough to know better. I don't know what is said by their BM, but I do know that she expects older SS to drive her everywhere (did I mention she lost her car too and doesn't work full-time???). I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to H, but have been told I take things too personally and that SS have a hard life. Well, in the past year I have turned my house upside down for them, support them, and I just don't want to do it anymore. For any of them.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Frustration...long :)
I am mostly a lurker here but have posted a few times (this is going to be long). I have been in a similar situation as you and hopefully my experience will help you. The big differences for me are that DH had sole custody of SS18 (since he was6) due to BM's drug addiction. DH and I met about 5 and a half years ago and we've been married 4 years.
Like you, I walked into a situation where things changed after marriage and I had to figure out a way to deal with it. In my case, I had never had children and had no idea how difficult things could be dealing with parenting a stepchild, dealing a BM with addiction who has never really "grown up" and therefore tries her hardest to manipulate people and situations and for dealing with a father who overcompensated because the child has had a "hard life." I'm a high earner, very independent and they both moved into my home. Although my stepson is not only a great, respectful kid, he's also very intelligent. Unfortunately, DH still sees SS as the 6 year old whose mother literally abandoned him for drugs.
The stress in our marriage was unbearable until I figured out a way to manage things differently. My husband was in an industry that was hit really hard by the economy (he's out of that industry now) and has spent a good portion of our marriage unemployed. BM has never paid CS or helped financially so I've been footing the bill for almost everything. Despite my high earning (sales and sales management) there have been MANY times when things were unbearably tight and I have had to do things like sell some of my belongings on eBay to pay all of the bills. I was also trying to be "Superwoman" by bring home the $, cooking every night, cleaning, doing all of the grocery shopping etc.
What I finally did was find a good therapist. I learned that I needed to have more boundaries, not take everything on myself and basically force my husband to carry more of the load and be a better parent. That meant that I stopped cooking (my husband loves to cook), stopped grocery shopping, doing only my laundry and setting the expectation that everyone would do their own. My family had to respect my schedule and obligations (including financial obligations). I also hired a cleaning lady to come in once a week, attended as many soccer games, cross country meets and baseball games that I could, but I stopped the expectation (mostly with myself) that I'd drop everything to attend a game. We maintained a family calendar and last minute additions (usually things that weren't communicated) were only attended by me if they were able to be accommodated.
From a financial standpoint, I made it clear that either my husband was going to "turn over his entire paycheck" into our joint account, or I would remove his name from our joint account, pay my obligations first (2 homes, utilities, gas for the car, small credit card bill, food for me) and leave everything else for him and SS up to him. There was never even an argument. If there had been things would have changed very quickly for my husband ( and also SS). I also had to compromise quite a bit. One area was the cleanliness of the house. DH and SS are extreme slobs. I like a tidy place. It used to completelystress me out to go upstairs to SS's bedroom and barthroom nd DH's office. It was disgusting but I let it go and rarely visited that area of the house.
The bottomline is, I had to realize that the only one I can change is me. I had to get a backbone and have boundaries. My marriage was more important to me than this temporary issue (SS would eventually go to college---he's a freshman this year!) and things are so much better than they were. I would have walked away, though, if e couldn't have come to a better place. I HIGHLY advise getting yourself a therapist and can help you individually, to work thru your issues. As far as not being able to ask the kids to do things and everything going thru your DH, that would be a showstopper for me. My husband expected me to be a full parent and I have been in every way. SS has always lived in my home fulltime and if he did not show me the proper appreciation and respect (fortunately that's never been an issue) there would be huge consequences. That being said, teenagers do need space to themselves and can be very difficult but it is never acceptable for any of them (your DH included) to be disrespectful.
Hope that helps!
i have 2 SS.. (15 & 12) and was having these issues. my DH and i have two DSand expecting our third baby.. it was tough and i almost called it quits a few months ago.. but i like PP had to get a back bone and put my foot down.. i stopped doing their laundry.. dinner.. dishes.. stopped worrying about what they needed .. and my DH is self employed so it wasnt about the money it was about home chores and attitude. . and it was hard for me because they came to our home from night to day and was "exoected" to love them the same as i love my DS and let me tell you its not easy. i have grown to care for them but with all the situations its hard for me to trust in full. Well it lasted one week until my DH sat down and said i cant take this .. and alot of things changed.. then SS #1 was going to BM unusually often and about 3 weeks ago he had a court for truancy while under BM custody and he was drug tested.. came back positive for THC.. so he was put on lock down by the judge curfew at 7.. no xbox no games no cell.. no cable.. in their bedroom... and he admitted to judge he got it while under his BM care so that was a plus for us... since he was ordered for rehab he gets picked up from school and reuturns like at 9 so he doesnt have a chance for anything. i have a board with chores/activities/homework due and its been working.. my DH finally stepped up and i clearly told him this is our house we break our backs working to make this into a home they decided to come so until they move out they will respect us .. our rules and our kids.. my SS also had a hard life with BM but thats an excuse they need to move forward and change their lifestyles.. and they cant do it alone because its like i tell my DH their BM doesnt give a crap and they need to know we do. but they need to work to earn respect and everything else. it doesnt come easy but were moving along. also therapy has helped me as a person to be better for them as a stepparent
best of luck!
Why are you putting up with this from YH? Because, really, he's not even meeting you halfway on anything.
So what if your SS's have a hard life? Why does the mean he shouldn't file for custody? Or seek CS? Or put money into your joint account?
Based on what you've posted, I'm surprised you haven't walked. I probably would have. Life is just too short to live your life feeling like no one is on your side.