Community› The Bump Message Boards› Single Parents
Single Parents
New Discussion

Should we tell our 4-year-old?

ldooldoo member
in Single Parents

We have two daughters, 2.5 and just turned 4. The girls and I have lived with my mom since May, so since then we've been doing the custody thing. Then overnights happened.

Anyway, the separation has been in full swing for several months now. The oldest was still 3 then. My mom, who vividly remembers being sat down by her parents to be told of their impending divorce, said, "No. Don't sit her down. It's too traumatic at this age for her. Just answer her questions honestly as they arise. You'll create more anxiety if you make an issue out of it."

Honestly, I agreed and still do. Their dad thinks we should sit her down and explain things to her.  He thinks she's confused (he may be right).

What do you think? Do you always need "the talk," even when you know your child and know it will add severely to her anxiety? And keep in mind that any issue that comes up, I talk with her, let her know that things have changed, we love her no matter where we are, she can always talk, that it's OK to be sad, etc.

Report Reply to Post

Re: Should we tell our 4-year-old?

  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    I think you are handling it great. At 3-4yrs old I don't think that sitting her down will do her more good than handling things as they come up. She isn't old enough to really ask questions to understand the situation in one sitting. Is your ex doing the same, or how is he handling it if she asks questions while she is at his house?
    BabyFetus Ticker


    image
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • kllrbnnykllrbnny

    If you guys have already been living away from him then I don't think there is really any point in sitting a 4 year old down and telling her you're getting divorced. What are you going to say? "We're not going to live with daddy anymore." Well duh, mom, where have you been the last few months? My DD is 4 and in this situation that would totally be her response.

    I think you have the right idea and are handling it great. No need to give her more info than she asks for at this age.

     

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • ldooldoo member
    imagekllrbnny:

    If you guys have already been living away from him then I don't think there is really any point in sitting a 4 year old down and telling her you're getting divorced. What are you going to say? "We're not going to live with daddy anymore." Well duh, mom, where have you been the last few months? My DD is 4 and in this situation that would totally be her response.

    I think you have the right idea and are handling it great. No need to give her more info than she asks for at this age.

     

    Thanks! What does their dad do? Well, he's not nearly as nice or sweet as me. He's all "this is just how it is." He does want to sit her down and talk with her. I'm hoping he'll forget. If I bring it up, he'll want to do it.

    Report Reply
  • mamaHippo23mamaHippo23 member

    4 yr. olds have such different perspectives about situations, it's very likely that she is interpreting things in her own way and will bring up her worries as they come up. Maybe instead of a formal sit-down, you could bring it up in a different way, look for opportunities while you're playing together or doing daily routine stuff. Letting the moment present itself naturally is easier then having a planned conversation.

    Also there are a lot of kids books now that talk about divorce, seperation, having two houses, etc. 

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • ldooldoo member
    imagemamaHippo23:

    4 yr. olds have such different perspectives about situations, it's very likely that she is interpreting things in her own way and will bring up her worries as they come up. Maybe instead of a formal sit-down, you could bring it up in a different way, look for opportunities while you're playing together or doing daily routine stuff. Letting the moment present itself naturally is easier then having a planned conversation.

    Also there are a lot of kids books now that talk about divorce, seperation, having two houses, etc. 

    Thank you. I agree. And I actually have two books on the way to my house as we speak. :)
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"