UPDATED IF just cost me my BFF

NMscubagirl · September 2012

Update: so she sent me another email after my response telling me that I am playing the victim and blaming the world for what is going on with me in the IF world. That I don't have to be alienated from others and I don't have to be angry and that is my choice. Then she told me that she was taking space from me with only our friendship in mind and that my response just confirmed with her why she was taking space from me and that my considering it abandoning her was stupid. She said that she knows our friendship will survive this and that this is for the best.

I sent her an email that said "if you cannot be my friend in my darkest hours, you don't deserve me at my best" and then I told her to stop contacting me and I put her on my blocked email list. Blocked email addresses get deleted before ever reaching me. It is so sad that it came to this.

So the other day my BFF posted a knitting pattern on my facebook wall that included a picture of an amazingly cute baby. I sent her an email that said "hey that is a cute post and all, but could you please delete the picture of the impossibly cute baby from my wall. I am on my phone so I can't right now. and I don't want people to start asking if I am pg"

the next day I got an email from her saying that she is trying to avoid negativity in her life and that infertility has changed my world view so she needs some space from me for a while, but good luck with my upcoming cycle.

really, really, WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I basically sent her a FU email and told her to get her sh!t together and I don't want her to contact me anymore if that is how she sees me and if she can't handle it.

Now I am in tears. I am starting my estrogen today and things are really in high gear and I just lost what I thought was my best friend. I hate this sh!t so very much. What a perfect day.

amy1004 · September 2012

I am so sorry that she is so insensitive. Must be nice that nothing is bad in her life so she can just eliminate all negativity.

I don't understand how she could be willing to walk away but we are here for you. Your friendship means a lot to us.

NMscubagirl · September 2012

amy1004:
I am so sorry that she is so insensitive. Must be nice that nothing is bad in her life so she can just eliminate all negativity. I don't understand how she could be willing to walk away but we are here for you. Your friendship means a lot to us.

Thank you so much. that means the world to me and your friendship means so much to me too.

The crazy thing is she has been going through a lot for years and I have supported her through it all in every way possible. Apparently not perfectly enough for her, but when she reacted badly to things that reminded her, I understood. When she had a bad day and it affected me I sluffed it off and made sure to try to be extra nice to her. Now that the going gets rough for me she bows out.

Gregermis · September 2012

((((hugs)))) IF is so cruel Sad

Hopefully down the road you guys can mend your friendship...

Mrs.McIrish · September 2012

Please Just try to put her out of your mind right now. Deal with her later. Only happy thoughts of your beautiful normal embryos allowed right now. Take care of you. Hugs.

NMscubagirl · September 2012

Mrs.McIrish:
Please Just try to put her out of your mind right now. Deal with her later. Only happy thoughts of your beautiful normal embryos allowed right now. Take care of you. Hugs.

thanks girl. That is exactly what I need to do. Why does it seem like all this bad stuff happens at once...geez!

Roxie5739 · September 2012

Scoobs I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You just don't need it right now. I am suprised at your BFF as she must know the hurt of posting such a photo on your wall - not cool IMO! I am not sure where the negativity is coming from, if she had any idea she would understand that you are the one that does not need negativity now.

I know that us girls are not "real" but are here, we are all your TBBFF's and will support you though this.

I am hoping for your sake that you and your BFF will get over this hurdle and mend what is a little broken right now (((HUGS)))

LaLe09 · September 2012

Wow. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes how hurtful that is for her to do to you. You are the one going through it after all, not her. I mean what if you were going through something else difficult that changed your view on life- like the death of a family member, divorce, unemployment, illness, etc. Would she drop you for that too?

I agree with others- you don't need negativity in your life right now!! Focus on you, your DH, and your embies.

NMscubagirl · September 2012

Roxie5739:
Scoobs I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You just don't need it right now. I am suprised at your BFF as she must know the hurt of posting such a photo on your wall - not cool IMO! I am not sure where the negativity is coming from, if she had any idea she would understand that you are the one that does not need negativity now.

I know that us girls are not "real" but are here, we are all your TBBFF's and will support you though this.

I am hoping for your sake that you and your BFF will get over this hurdle and mend what is a little broken right now (((HUGS)))

Thank you. You guys mean the world to me even though I have never met most of you.

I hope we can mend the friendship, but right now this feels a little final for some reason. I feel so very abandoned at the worst time possible and can't understand how someone who I have been friends with for so long could do that. But I do hope we can get past this some day.

NMscubagirl · September 2012

LaLe09:
Wow. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes how hurtful that is for her to do to you. You are the one going through it after all, not her. I mean what if you were going through something else difficult that changed your view on life- like the death of a family member, divorce, unemployment, illness, etc. Would she drop you for that too?

I agree with others- you don't need negativity in your life right now!! Focus on you, your DH, and your embies.

I was thinking the same thing. I have been there for her through so much and now when I need her...

Edwina.McDunnough · September 2012

Hugs and take care of yourself.

reb259 · September 2012

I agree with McI...concentrate on your upcoming FET and put yourself in a good mindset. Big hugs!! we are here!

orange1414 · September 2012

hugs IF seriously damaged my relationship with my former BFF too. It's hard. hugs

mtlaurel · September 2012

Ouch. I'm sorry this has happened, but hope you can put it on the back burner in your mind for now. I'm angry at her on your behalf, and don't think she's worthy of your friendship. Hugs.

MBfromBMC · September 2012

(((hugs))) You need more supportive friends in your life right now, anyway. I'm so sorry that she was so insensitive.

summerof69 · September 2012

Your friend is so insensitive. So sorry. My friend she just had a baby and she said she can never use injectibles i said to myself she is so luck it was easy for her to have a baby.

Mrs.McIrish · September 2012

I read your update. In a way I can understand parts of what she is saying but her approach is not correct. It seems like she posted the baby picture just to provoke this. I have definitely distanced myself from many friends and social situations because I know baby stuff will come up in conversation and I know I cannot handle it. But I do expect my closest friends to be sensitive to my situation. It is the same as if a friend was having money trouble, I don't suggest we go on vacation..."Walk a mile in my shoes" translates to many situations. It isn't too much to expect good friends to be cognizant of our triggers. She pressed yours on purpose! If she wanted to bring it up, there were better ways to do it. I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

genmalone · September 2012

I am so sorry. You definitely have to deal with IF to understand it. She obviously doesn't understand. I can't imagine being so cruel to anyone I consider a friend.

((hugs))

NMscubagirl · September 2012

Mrs.McIrish:
I read your update. In a way I can understand parts of what she is saying but her approach is not correct. It seems like she posted the baby picture just to provoke this. I have definitely distanced myself from many friends and social situations because I know baby stuff will come up in conversation and I know I cannot handle it. But I do expect my closest friends to be sensitive to my situation. It is the same as if a friend was having money trouble, I don't suggest we go on vacation..."Walk a mile in my shoes" translates to many situations. It isn't too much to expect good friends to be cognizant of our triggers. She pressed yours on purpose! If she wanted to bring it up, there were better ways to do it. I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

You know I agree, the world is what I make of it and much of what I choose to avoid is my choice. As you said, with most friends that are casual friends, they get to bow out when things get tough and come in when it's better, but to me for her, especially how much we have been through and how much I have supported her, I guess I don't feel like she deserves that luxury. I did not think about her pressing the issue on purpose to have an excuse to bring it up or bow out. uhhhggg, it is just now time for me to put my focus elsewhere.

PurpleIris30 · September 2012

Oh dear - that sounds so awful and hurtful. I'm so sorry she had to pull this now of all times. Until she's the one facing a future which may not include biological children, then she's just not going to get it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We get it, and we're here for support.

Gregermis · September 2012

Extra big [[[[hugs]]]]]

daisyMaryGirl · September 2012

I've just gone through something similar. Looking back, sometimes you just have to let the person go. Apparently you and your friendship do not mean anything to them. This is a reflection of them, not you.

(((BIG HUGS))). We are here for you. You'll get through this and be okay. Good luck on your cycle.

jessican08 · September 2012

((HUGE HUGS))

I agree with the PPs - if she can't be supportive of you as you're going through the tough times, then you don't need her.

Wishing you lots of luck on your cycle, Sweetie.

Jlynn3 · September 2012

Roxie5739:

Scoobs I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You just don't need it right now. I am suprised at your BFF as she must know the hurt of posting such a photo on your wall - not cool IMO! I am not sure where the negativity is coming from, if she had any idea she would understand that you are the one that does not need negativity now.

I know that us girls are not "real" but are here, we are all your TBBFF's and will support you though this.

I am hoping for your sake that you and your BFF will get over this hurdle and mend what is a little broken right now (((HUGS)))

BIg big (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. We are here for you Scoobs!

may2806 · September 2012

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's so hurtful when people we thought would be there for us turn out to be unsympathetic and just don't "get it." Life isn't easy, and friends should help you get through the hard times. It's just so disappointing. My therapist once told me that IF will test every relationship you have, and I've found that to be true. Some have stuck by me and tried to understand my behavior, even if they've found it "abnormal". Others haven't. It's very sad. ((HUGS))

rockpaperlove · September 2012

I am so sorry Scoobs. "If you cannot be my friend in my darkest hours, you don't deserve me at my best" - I think this says it all and she is clearly making a big mistake to be so inconsiderate during a time when you needed her most. Big hugs and well wishes.

Anasara · September 2012

Ugh. I am so sorry.

I've been pretty luck among my close friends (who all have kids) when dealing with IVF. My BFF is actually a guy & he's been wonderful. He has 2 kids (ages 3 & 5) & he always asks before making plans with us that may include them in case I'm having a bad infertile day. But he also went through a pretty messy divorce (ex-wife cheated on him) & has been though colon cancer when we were in undergrad so he's not had it easy. Through our individual struggles we've both been there for each other in times of need I guess.

However, among my not-so-close friends (you know, thoseyou see once in a blue moon) there's been a lot of hiding on FB.

SweetDahlia · September 2012

I am so sorry. I don't think I would ever be her friend again. You do NOT deserve that kind of crap and she doesn't deserve you as a friend. My best friend and I had a huge falling out over my IF a few years ago. It sucked. We have kind of learned to forget, but I still resent her for not being there for me.

I agree she provoked you when she put that baby photo on your wall. You have every right to be angry and negative about IF. Fertile people just don't get it at all.

I wish you lots of luck for your cycle. PPV and prayers!!

glueck · September 2012

I am so sorry. I have definitely dealt with a bit of this myself, and I am shocked and amazed at the lack of sensitivity and loyalty of the people around me.

*shocked*

I hope your BFF comes to her senses and realized that she is being a complete jerk. If she doesn't, its good to know you will never again have to invest in a person who refuses to invest in you. Helping a true friend though her low points is a sign of the depth of a friendship. If she won't drudge through the mud with you, I'm afraid letting her go is the best option for you in the short and long haul.

It's terrible to be in this situation and I am so sorry that you have to be.

posting a baby on your FB wall.... lord... I would've been FURIOUS.

HUGS

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