Pregnant again after two losses...

Ashleighest1989 · September 2012

Hey ladies, I was looking for some advice on what to do in my current situation.

My husband and I have lost two of our babies this year and are pregnant again. We are 14 weeks as of today. So far we have had a couple of scares (subchorionic hematoma, unexplaned bleeding and cramping) and we are just waiting things out.

My husband is great but our families are not understanding how scared we are and that we are sadly not excited about being pregnant again, but that we are terrified at best. They are buying baby clothing and keep asking about baby names and are pretty much pushing aside our feelings/fears.

I honestly feel like hiding out and almost regret telling them about being pregnant. (we only shared the news because we were hoping to have their prayers for us and the baby after the bleeding/er trip at 8 weeks. I feel like that innocent request backfired a bit).

We understand that they are excited, but it seems like they are ignoring our feelings. I've tried talking to my family but all i get in response is "well we are excited for you and just want to make you excited too!" But the only thing I really need/want is some support and validation for how I am feeling.

Also, I am the only woman in my family and my husbands family who has had losses... so maybe they just don't understand...

I just want to feel understood.

Sorry for the rant, but how would you handle this? Any advice would be great! I am literally driving myself insane thinking about this.

Thanks

roxyttandme · September 2012

First, congrats.

Second, if you seek understanding, support and validation - you came to the right place. People, even family, don't get it until they go through it. My MIL and I had to have a come to Jesus talk about three months ago as she started bring copious amounts of baby stuff to our house well before we were ready. You need to put your foot down. This is your pg, not theirs. You run the show, love...

GL and welcome to the board!

SandiaPinaMama · September 2012

roxyttandme:
First, congrats.nbsp;Second, if you seek understanding, support and validation you came to the right place. People, even family, don't get it until they go through it. My MIL and I had to have a come to Jesus talk about three months ago as she started bring copious nbsp;amounts of baby stuff to our house well before we were ready. You need to put your foot down. This is your pg, not theirs. You run the show, love...GL and welcome to the board! nbsp;

All of this. When I'm struggling, I remember that time is marching me forward through that struggle, and pregnancy is no exception. There will fx come a day when you can be excited with them. And remember that they are your feelings, and you have a right to them!

mamawolf71 · September 2012

This is also our third pregnancy in a year as well. Our last loss was in May. We chose to tell just a few people this time, our sisters , who we knew would give us exactly the support we need. They listen to our concerns and fears. They pray for us and they don't push. They are genuinely a " support" system. I am hoping that when we get past our loss milestone I will relax a little. Prayers for you and your hubby and LO!

pumpkinhead4 · September 2012

I understand what you are going through but I had the opposite experience. Most of the family was even too scared to discuss our pregnancy after our 2 losses. It was frustrating and a felt a bit discouraging, like they didn't think this one would work out either. Eventually I had to ask for the support and ask them to please act excited, etc. They came around, I was scared enough for everyone I didn't need any more negative thinking. DH's side was a bit better with it and offered prayers and asked how I was doing. It's tough either way but hopefully soon you get let yourself relax a little and just take each day at a time...good luck! Keep posting here if you need support, we all understand!

Mom2anAngel2 · September 2012

I agree with PP's, most of us have experienced what you are going through. Unless someone has experienced a loss, they just do not quite understand. We lost our son at 19 weeks. My family and IL's were somewhat understanding of my nerves prior to the 19 week mark, but now they seem to want to just put the loss aside and move on to happy baby thoughts. I still struggle to believe that this baby will be coming home with us. My DH has pushed me to purchase a crib and dresser, but with each purchase I have a major panic attack and break down. I will not even start my registry until I am 24 weeks. I know that there is still a long way to go at that point, but at least I feel like we will have a chance.

As for your question, I don't think that there is more that you can do but to express your fears as clearly as possible. Some will listen, others will not. Try to embrace thier excitement as much as possible as their form of support. It will be difficult, but GL!

Ashleighest1989 · September 2012

thanks everyone! Your kind words mean a lot.

Thank you

Cocobeee · September 2012

I know exactly how you feel. You don't want to get to excited because there are so many thoughts in the back of your head, things you don't even want to say out loud. No woman in my husbands family or mine has ever experienced a loss. My MIL constantly asked me after my loss if I was pregnant again. When I was 5 weeks, she just kept asking and my husband told her I would say it when I was ready, so she knew but I refused to talk about it or confirm it with them until I was 12 weeks. After that, they just kept talking about names and I still wasn't ready to be more comfortable so I just changed the subject. Theres no way these women will ever understand how you feel or why you're so nervous. It's not real until you experience it yourself.

I would just recommend not entertaining their conversations until you're ready. They will get the point. Best wishes to you, and stay positive, I know its hard but congrats on making it to 14 weeks!!

Mmm79 · September 2012

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your story sounds very close to mine. Two losses in the past year and pregnant again with an SCH and bleeding. So I can definitely relate to how you feel. DH and I have pretty much kept this to ourselves so far (only my sister, a friend/colleague and one other close friend know). And though we've now had a few good ultrasounds and a good N/T scan, I still talk in terms of "if" not "when" referring to this baby. I'm not sure how I'll feel once we "come out" to our families and wider circle of friends. I plan to wait until at least 14 weeks.

It's ok to feel what you do about this pregnancy. That others are excited for you is really nice, but you shouldn't feel bad if you're not there yet. Hopefully, as the pregnancy progresses you will begin to feel better and more confident.

pamiva1 · September 2012

Congratulations. I've been in your shoes and I understand 100% how you feel. I've found that unless others have been through this situation, they probabably never will really understand where you're coming from. If they buy/plan for things you 'are not yet comfortable with, it's ok to say so. But, unfortunatly, I've found that most people just wont understand and I try to tell myself it's just because they have not experienced the same loss. I hope things get easier for you going forward, and that you are able to start getting excited about your new little one (easier said than done, I know).

jbranden12 · September 2012

I'm sorry for your losses. We all understand your hesitations and lack of ability to be SUPER DUPER excited about bringing home a baby because we know there is no guarantee.

I feel uncomfortable when I tell people because I'm kind of awkward about it. But the best way I have found of explaining it is that I have no expectations for this pregnancy. I do not expect a healthy baby to come easily, nor do I expect another stillbirth. I take it a day at a time and try to be the best mother to this baby that I can.

senoritaemily · September 2012

Do you think perhaps they feel that they should just try to be positive around you, to make you feel better? Maybe they just don't really know what they should say, it's probably what pp have said - unless you've experience it, you don't understand.

I had the opposite experience with my last pregnancy. After my first m/c, I naively thought that that had been "my turn" for a loss and that once I got it over with, my next pergnancy would be great. I felt so symptomatic, and had a positive feeling about the pregnancy. We decided to tell my in-laws on Easter. My daughter was coloring eggs with my MIL and we drew "Big Sister" on her egg with a magic crayon, so that when they dye was dry you could read it on the egg. We told DD to give it to my MIL and she didn't even smile, simply raised her eyebrows and walked away. Who does that? Apparently she didn't agree with us trying so soon after the m/c (we waited a cycle just like the doc told us), because that was against the advice her own doctor had given her some 30 years ago.

I am cautiously optimistic with this pregnancy but because of that experience I don't even want to share it with them. I've been making up excuses as to why I'm not drinking, etc. because I don't even want to deal with her.

FreyaWin2382 · September 2012

First of all, congratulations!

Next, as others have said, unless your family members have been through a loss, then they won't understand. While they may know that you have hurt, the overwhelming (and lingering!) grief from loss can be hard for others to understand.

In the past year I had two consecutive miscarriages. I can definitely understand your hesitancy and fear. The best way I think for you to handle their enthusiasm is to be honest with them....and then tell them what you want from them. One thing that I really struggled with following my losses was being angry at my family for not acting like I thought they should or wanted them to....and I finally realized it was because they had no idea what they should do. Tell them what you want from them. If they are overwhelming you, tell them that you love them and appreciate your enthusiasm, but that all you want from them right now is some understanding and time....and that you'll come to them when you're ready for more.

Also, and I say this knowing where you are coming from and knowing how hard it is, I would also encourage you to try the best you can to celebrate this pregnancy. Regardless of what happened in the past, or how worried you are, fear does not prevent anything bad from happening....and not letting yourself feel any sort of excitement is cheating yourself out of the experience that you deserve. One of my biggest regrets with my second pregnancy was that I lived in terror during that whole pregnancy....afraid to even breathe wrong out of fear. And what did all of that fear and worry do? It certainly didn't prevent that second miscarriage from happening....all it had done was make me miserable when I could have spent that time being happy.

I'm not telling you that you need to be rushing out and buying baby clothes (I am 22 weeks and just now feeling better about walking into a baby store) and singing your pregnancy to the world, but just would encourage you to try and let some of that terror go and (even if it's just between you and your DH) celebrate that little life growing inside of you in some way.

kal42672 · September 2012

I know exactly how you feel. We had 2 losses with in a year and I'm 14 weeks along now too. My family has not truly been there emotionally for me and my mom is overbearing at times with this pregnancy. I think that however you are feeling its ok to feel this way because of what happened in your past. Your always going to have a little fear and worry which is normal. And as I read in some other responses about how they just don't truly understand what you are going through emotionally. Its easier for your family to move on faster then you because they didn't go through the losses. Just feel how you want to feel and even though they are your family what truly matters is you and your baby. If they don't give you the support you need then limit contact with them thats what I'm doing. Hope things get better and sorry you are dealing with this. Congrats and 3rd time is a charm

Ashleighest1989 · September 2012

Ashleighest1989 · September 2012

Thank you all so much! Honestly after reading through all of the encourgaing words and wisdom of people who have walked in my shoes, it makes me not feel so alone. And for the first time I truly feel like I'm being understood. Sometimes our families, though they mean well, just don't get it. That's a really bitter pill to swallow, but it's very true in this case. People don't understand what they don't know. I'm really glad to have found a place where people understand where I'm at and what I'm going through. It makes this process of grief and joy a little easier to deal with.

Thank you all so very much! You all have honestly made a big impact on my life!

Want a personalized experience?

Pregnant again after two losses...

Re: Pregnant again after two losses...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards