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Adoption
Our 2 Year Visit Happened (long rant)
I posted before about my upcoming meeting with BM and BF. Abridged: We worried that BF, who never met his baby, would act poorly and ruin the visit.
So we met at a playground and got set up by some picnic tables and they showed up a little late. BM was so excited to see DD! She's had several meetings with her so far, and every time they have a great time together. We had lunch and talk about her school and home life. BM used to have some boundary issues but she's doing much better now, and we keep in close contact.
BF has never met us before and he's never met DD. He was very uncomfortable about her. BM was thrilled at the news that DD is going to get a cochlear implant, but BF didn't look that interested. The whole visit he was kind of glasseyed and dazed. I don't know if he was intoxicated or if that's just the way he is, but he didn't seem interested. He was also very uncomfortable around DD, and kept shouting her name at her, like being louder would somehow make her less deaf. Then BM took DD to the playground to play, and we tried to ask BF some questions- what he's doing, if he's in school, how his newly-reestablished relationship with BM was going. Almost every answer was "I just do what I do."
Then he started asking us about DD. It started innocent enough- like how she got along with our other child, her favorite color... and we were happy to answer. Then he said she had a "white name" and complained that we didn't have her hair in braids (we take very good care of her hair and we choose to leave it natural). He said we were "whitewashing" his child. Then he started to express his discomfort with our lifestyle. He asked which of us was the "dad" and we said we were both her mom. He started asking us about our sex life- which was the "man," what toys we used, if we'd ever tried it with a man- and we told him his comments were inappropriate. He said something along the lines of "well if you're going to live a different lifestyle
He asked how we're going to explain our gayness to DD when the Bible speaks against it. We told him we're not raising DD in a religious environment. This angered him, and he asked what our religion was. We said that any religion or lack thereof was inconsequential, because we're want DD to be free to make her own decisions when she's at the age she can comprehend the claims made forth by different religions (BM knew we were nonreligious before the adoption). He said that not raising her religious was making a decision for her. What? How does that even make sense? Then he said he didn't want his daughter in hell and said "Isn't it bad enough she's being raised by lesbians?" Thank goodness we didn't tell him we're vegetarians. He may have hit us.
We went and got DD, and told BM we were sorry and we would call her later to schedule another on. He started yelling that the visit wasn't over and that he has a right to see his daughter (his name isn't on the birth certificate, he didn't see her being born, and he told BM he didn't want anything to do with the baby). DD was screaming crying and BM was furious at BF for ruining the visit.
We called BM this morning and have arranged to have lunch so she can finish her visit with DD and we can talk about what happened with BF.
In the mean time- phew! I am one tired puppy.
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Re: Our 2 Year Visit Happened (long rant)
We were too. We didn't expect the religious issues (though I should say I'm not too surprised, it happens surprisingly often) but I hate to say I was kind of expecting we'd have to bail out. It's such a shame because DD was having such a good time with BM, and vice versa. We're going to get them together again, but I don't know if we'll be seeing BF in the future.
:::Our Adoption Journey:::
Evan James was born 1/24/13 and matched with us 2/20/13. The LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!
Blech.... so sorry.
The (only) upside is that he got his chance to share his concerns and negative views so hopefully that's done and over with.... you can get back to parenting in a positive manner and hope his views change or his interests wanes.
Sorry
I'm so sorry.
At least you know who you're dealing with now.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
TTC June 2009-May 2011
We decided to adopt in June 2011!
HDQ born February 21, 2012
Placed on February 24, 2012
Hoping to finalize September 2012
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
6 home inseminations=BFN
2 IUIs= BFN
3 IVFs=BFN
June 2012-Decided to give up TTC and started the process to adopt from foster care!
Aspiring SMBC Blog
I'm so sorry to hear that. As someone just started out in this process- you've just articulated all the fears that I think both my partner and I have about adoption. It sounds like you and your partner handled this is such an elegant and terrific way.
Best,
marisa
He sounds really angry. My hope (tho probably just wishing) is that he was coping with his pain by lashing out at you, maybe?
In any case, I hope he grows up, mans up and apologizes somehow. Your daughter deserves better than to have her parents belittled. Glad that you and BM have a good relationship tho!
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
I am so so sorry that he was so awful to you. That is so over the line and I hate that you had go through that. I'm glad that the BM will get to see DD again soon, it sounds like she at least understood why you were ending the visit and was upset with BF as well.
Ugh, (( Hugs )) for all of you that really, really sucks and I'm so sorry what an awful experience.