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Blended Families
Nineoceans
member
Random vent
Nineoceans
member
So my ILs whom we are estranged from and Bm and her parents are all alternating going to lunch with SS this school year.
SS8 just moved to our district last year and has had some growing pains with making and keeping appropriate friends. He got in trouble several days last year for fighting with his one friend and he really had no other kids his age he socialized with. He is VERY shy but once another kid introduces themselves to him he's awesome. I set him up with a babysitter this summer who was caring for another 8 year old and they were instant besties so he CAN relate to other kids given the opportunity.
We are finally on good terms with Bm so we don't feel like we're in a position to ask her and her mom to stop coming to lunch with him and my ILs are ONLY doing it because they know when Bm
did it last year it made us nuts so they're looking for a dramatic scene or more "proof" that we are unreasonable if we ask them not to.
In the middle of this bull is a little boy who cannot even be allowed the opportunity to socialize and meet new friends!!!!! Kids are not effing pawns. I just wish my ILs would GROW UP and Bm and her mom would get a life and let SS be a kid. End of rant
SS8 just moved to our district last year and has had some growing pains with making and keeping appropriate friends. He got in trouble several days last year for fighting with his one friend and he really had no other kids his age he socialized with. He is VERY shy but once another kid introduces themselves to him he's awesome. I set him up with a babysitter this summer who was caring for another 8 year old and they were instant besties so he CAN relate to other kids given the opportunity.
We are finally on good terms with Bm so we don't feel like we're in a position to ask her and her mom to stop coming to lunch with him and my ILs are ONLY doing it because they know when Bm
did it last year it made us nuts so they're looking for a dramatic scene or more "proof" that we are unreasonable if we ask them not to.
In the middle of this bull is a little boy who cannot even be allowed the opportunity to socialize and meet new friends!!!!! Kids are not effing pawns. I just wish my ILs would GROW UP and Bm and her mom would get a life and let SS be a kid. End of rant
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Random vent
I'm confused.. they are all collaborating and taking turns showing up at SS's school and sitting in the cafeteria with him every day to eat lunch?!?!
at what point does SS say "enough is enough"?! or can't the teachers kick them out? this seems entirely inappropriate!
Leave the kid alone and let him make some friends! We have 50/50 custody so it's not like Bm never sees him and my ILs like I said do this without our or Bm's consent just to assert their role as the most important grandparents in his life. All a big show for the school. Poor SS just stuck in the middle as usual.
The majority of the adults in his life truly annoy the heck out of me sometimes
Call the school and ask them to intervene with ILs. That's ridiculous.
Not much you can do but roll your eyes at BM.
I would contact the school and inform them that your ILS are not permitted access to your child. You have every right to make this request. The fact that they are adults, or related to your SS does not make a difference.
Could your H talk to BM, and tell her that your ILS will no longer be having lunch with SS (after you contact the school), and request that her parents only have lunch with SS 1x per week?
Heck, if you wanted to, I bet you could also make a case for BMs parents to refuse to be admitted access - although that may depend on what kind of custody your H has (joint legal, etc.) You might at least be able to stop them from coming on "your" days.
You really seem to be very passive when it comes to SS's best interests.
"You are on good terms with BM, so you don't want to ask that her parents see less of SS during lunch?" Isn't now the time (for your H) to talk to her like an adult and say "I know you / your parents enjoy lunch with S, but I think it's better for him to spend more time meeting other kids. Could you cut down the lunches to 1x per week - with you both going on the same day, so that SS has more opportunities to meet with other kids? It would help him a lot." Or you could ask that they eat with him, then keep to themselves / leave early so he can play during recess/open play.
You also need to balance how "healthy" it is for you to have a great, friendly, no-conflict (because you/H keep your mouth shut even when you should open it) relationship with BM, vs. how healthy it is for SS to be able to socialize during lunch. A limit on lunchtime visits is NOT unreasonable, and if BM won't budge, I would contact the school and at least limit BM/her parent's visits to HER days.
I also agree that you should contact the school and put an end to your H's ESTRANGED PARENTS from having lunch with your SS. YOU as the parent get to choose who he eats lunch with. The school does not. DH has some estranged family members, and if they tried to eat with my kids, I would have the police at the school - no matter how much drama it caused.
Do you / your H both work? Are one of you able to "take over" the lunch that the ILS do? I think it's enough to be there, tell the ILS "sorry, we are eating lunch with SS today. You'll have to go home." Then maybe eat with SS, then leave early and let him play with other kids. If the ILS know that there is no "guarantee" that they will be able to share a lunch with SS, they might stop by less. But I really do think you need to contact the school.
Have H talk with your SS (or you do it if he is more open with you). Ask him what HE would like. Try to frame it in a way that he does not feel the need to protect his mom or either set of grandparents, or tell you what you want to hear. If your DS really wanted to eat with your ILS, I might not prohibit their relationship - but I may insist it be cut it down to 1x per week.
No matter what, I think as parents you should be the ones to set boundries and rules - not the school. The school will tell you what their policy is - - but you can always threaten them with legal action. Really, you shouldn't need a court order to keep your kid away from family members that you don't think are appropriate for your child.
My DS would like to go home for lunch (which is our option) 1x per week - and only if we can go to McDonald's - not just to see me. DD would eat home every other day (and bring a friend along) if she could. There is a lot of drama during lunch that she would prefer to avoid. Every kid is different, but they tend to know what they need.
The more it seems we kick and fight the more he is harmed. It's also almost impossible to have a conversation with a child about why adults can't be adults. He's finally to an age where I feel like he will see true colors coming out. If I felt it would help him at all I would keep fighting but I think it only hurts him.
All H and I can do is be strong, steady, constant and a loving safe place for him where he can talk to us about anything. I hope that helps instill in him enough self confidence that when he's ready he can tell the grandparents "I'm sad when I miss recess" or "I like to have lunch with you but I want to stay with my friends" etc.
I dont know if we are right or wrong but truly our intention is whatever is best for SS. He has to deal with so much crazy just being born I feel so bad for him sometimes.
The flip side is Bm is complaining to us about my ILs and said she thinks going to the school is negatively impacting him so hopefully she will get her own memo and back away and ask her parents to do the same