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May 2012 Moms
PotomacSt
member
Daycare = I don't appreciate my child- vent.
PotomacSt
member
I have a coworker who did international adoption and now has 2 1/2 year old twins. The twins were adopted when they were 6 months old, after my coworker and his wife had been waiting 3.5 years.
He has this line that irked me even before I was a mom. He's always saying "You know, when you have to wait three years, you really appreciate your kids" He's said it over and over in various contexts. Once, another coworker was complaining about her teenage son, and he just shrugged and gave his "Well I waited three years for my children, so I really appreciate them" line. Ironically, the woman he was talking to went through 7 years of IF and multiple miscarriages before having that son, he just doesn't know it.
So yesterday I was talking to him about how I've been working full-time and my daughter's been in daycare for the past few weeks and how unhappy we've been with it, and we've decided that I'm going to work part-time starting mid-Sept and grandma offered to take DD while I work.
His response was, of course, "My wife and I never considered daycare, or letting anyone else care for them, she wanted to be the one to raise them. Because when you wait so long for them, you really appreciate every moment with them." I wanted to hit him.
Don't get me wrong, I know I can't fathom how difficult their adoption journey was. I know I'm incredibly blessed to have been able to have a healthy baby so easily when others struggle for years, or have to give up on the dream of having a child altogether. But to insinuate that I don't fully appreciate my child because I didn't go through what he did, or because I have to work and have my child cared for by someone else (my husband doesn't make $80 K like this guy does!) is so insulting.
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Re: Daycare = I don't appreciate my child- vent.
I would have given him a piece of my mind. And it probably would've started out with "Listen up @$$hole...". We did struggle with IF, and I have never felt that I appreciate my baby anymore than somebody who got pregnant on the first try. I also don't assume that just because somebody has never mentioned any IF troubles that they had an easy time getting pregnant. I know for me, IF was a very personal and private subject that I very rarely talked about with just anyone. So if somebody wasn't very close to me, then they probably would assume that we didn't have any trouble. Sounds like this guy is a pompous jerk who is due for a reality check.
And on another note, I hate the mentality that just because people put their children in daycare, they are less of a mother. Being a SAHM doesn't work for everyone whether it be because of money or because you just aren't SAHM material. I will be the first to admit that I am not SAHM material. By the end of my maternity leave, I was going nuts. Don't get me wrong, I love DD with all of my heart, but I'm a "mover and a shaker". Could we live off DHs salary? Sure. But I thrive off of working. And since I've been back at work, I feel that I aprreciate DD more. When I leave work, I get so excited to pick her up. And DH, DD, and I play play play in the evenings.
I swear, if ppl spent half the time focusing on their own family as they do judging others'', the world would be a better place.
Sorry you had to deal with such a jerk!
I guess I am the Lone Ranger here, but I really don't think he is insinuating as much as you think he is. I think he is just trying to make conversation and isn't doing a very good job at saying how he feels.
However, as someone who struggled with IF I can't imagine how I would feel if I'd never been able to carry and give birth to my own flesh and blood. Something like that changes a person, sometimes not for the better. I try to assume the best out of people when others tend to assume the worst, and I really think that this guy doesn't realize how hurtful his comments are. I don't know how close you are with him, but maybe you should just tell him he is upsetting you. Sometimes people say things and they really don't realize how annoying they are being.
Regardless, I am sorry that you are hurt by his comments. You know you are a great mommy and that is all that matters.
ETA: I really don't mean this in a bad way, nor do I think that women who never struggled with loss and/or IF are less of a parent, BUT I really do think that the trauma of those types of situations make you appreciate your kids in a way that someone who never had a loss or a struggle could. It doesn't make you love them more or better. It's just an overwhelming sense of completeness and quite literally the rebirth of hope. It's like losing a child or a parent. It's something you can't understand unless you've been there. It's not one of those "I can put myself in that person's shoes" kind of thing.
I don't even know what to say. I did not have any issues getting pregnant and for that I am very thankful. I work PT from home, that wasn't always the case. My DS was in daycare from 6 AM to 6:30 PM 5 days a week at one point while DH and I worked 55-60 hours a week each. We choose to make a change for our family and now DS only goes to daycare 3 days a week and I work PT. That doesn't mean that I suddenly appreciate him more or less than I did before.
I am going to hope that your co-worker is just trying to put things into perspective and make conversation. Next time he/she says that I would just say "I'm so sorry that you had such a long journey to becoming a parent. I am grateful for my LO as well and appreciate every minute".
Ug he may not mean to be an idiot but he sure is one. I went through 7 years of IF and while I know that I love and appreciate them even more because of it, I would never compare myself to someone else like that. And I have a nanny 3 days a week so I can go to school full time, and I work nights when DH is home. While I don't love the fact that I have to leave them with someone, I know that I would probably go insane if I was home all day every day with them. I mean kids gotta eat, daddy's gotta work, mommy's gotta go to school so I can someday earn enough to maybe help them pay for college. Because I appreciate them.
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