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My Wife wants a Baby
So guys, my wife wants a baby. While I'm not totally object to the idea, I'm not sure I'm ready. I feel bad, I've even asked her if she would just skip her birth control on me and not tell me so she could get pregnant. I don't know what I'm going through here and could use some help.
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Re: My Wife wants a Baby
I'm no expert but here is my story, maybe it will help you answer your own question.
I waited and waited until I was ready. I waited for college, waited for my career, waited for more money, a house, boat trips, partying, happy hours, etc. There was ALWAYS a good sensible reason to wait. I told myself I'm young and I can wait, besides age only matters for the girls, etc. ( I was wrong BTW, old man sperm can contribute to genetic mutations too )
I'm now 44 and my wife and I are having our first child, a little girl, I'll be 45 when she is born. Not old, but not young either. The other night a few things really hit home as we talked about names, hospitals, and other fun stuff.
1) My little girl may not have me alive or healthy to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. I'll be 70 when she is 25.
2) The odds of me ever becoming a grandpa became very small by waiting so long for everything to be "perfect".
3) By waiting for the perfect conditions I was really being selfish. I wasted time from my future daughter. She will have less time to share her life with her parents. She gets an older version of us, with less energy, maybe less outdoor activities. We love mountains, snowboarding, hiking, etc. At 60 we can still do them but not like 40.
4) And finally, when we found out we were pregnant we couldn't wait to share it with our families. Then whamo, It's possible when she has her kids we may not be around for her to share in her joy and, and for us to support her like our families are currently doing with us.
Personally, If i had to do it all over again I would have had our first child before I was 30. There was nothing magical happening after 30 that made me more prepared. I just spent my money on better beer, better wine, better food, better cars, better gadgets. What an *** I was. We could be taking our 15 year old daughter snowboarding this winter if I wasn't so busy waiting for "perfect conditions"
I suspect the fact that you created a login and posted this question on The Bump means you feel you might be ready but need a nudge, to which I say, pull the goalie and make babies.
Seriously though, I hope this helps you think through your decision and whatever you do, don't listen to your single friends.
Keep us posted.
Wow...
This read like such a downer to me, as a 43 year old who just had his first child a few days ago. I would expect a much more positive outlook from someone in their 40's, considering that 44 is not old at all. I have aunts and uncles in my family that have had a child in their 40's, as well as my in-laws. The idea that we are old farts without the physical ability, or lifespan even, to care for our children at a high level is laughable to me.
1) I was married AT 40. My parents, including a stepfather who is now 75, were all there for our wedding. My wifes parents are both in their 70's as well. Way more typical than your post would indicate.
2) Same as 1. two sets of grandparents, 3 of them in their 70's. My stepfather still plays softball 3 times a week and refs high scholl football games. They are not peeing on themselves in some nursing home, waiting to die. My father just had a double hip replacement at 65 and he is already out there hiking mountains in California only a few months removed from it.
3) I don't even understand this point. Using a made up idea (child in your late twenties that was never even a thought in reality) to support your premise, talking about age as if it defines the quality of parent that someone can be. No parent, no matter their age, is playing in the games that their child has decided to partake in, As I said, I know of plenty of old, old people who are more active than some 20 year olds who just go from bar to bar every night. How you equate selfish into that is beyond me. It is as if you are looking for excuses before you even have your child in your arm. I call BS on this entire point. I was at Maroon Bells a couple of years ago and all around me were couples in thier 60's and 70's hiking and doing the same things we were doing. Age may be an excuse for you, but for me I see age more in what I am able to do instead of in the number that represents the day I was born. I plan on being on the golf course when I am that age, as well as being a ref at some games too. Unless I die from some disease or full blown heart episode, I see no reason why I will not continue to be as active then as I am today. I have friends who have passed in their 20's, 30's and 40's. Death is not reserved for the old, it can strike at any time. Live life to the fullest always.
4) Why can't you take your daughter snowboarding? It is not like she will not be hanging with friends over you on the slopes in her teens. You will be in yor 50's....Why can't you be out there with her regardless? It sounds more stupid having all these excuses in place before she is even here.
Dude, Live life and worry about bills, not what you will and will not be able to do 25 years from now. I got news for you, if you think your age is an issue now, you are really in for it once your baby is born. In the 3 days we have been home from the hospital we have gotten maybe a total of 10 hours of sleep caring for our boy. I can hang with any young buck in terms of taking care of my boy, and when I was in my 20's or even 30's no way would I have been able to step up like this...NO WAY!!
It is 2012, not 1912. Chances are you will be alert and very active as you get into those elderly years. Do what I do and save up to join that club when you retire, so you can golf or play tennis at will when you are that age. I look forward to not having to do the 9-5 thing once our children are in college. I can focus on their wins and will be there for everything. young dudes are not in that position, and will still be working while I will be going to Badger games with my kids and visiting them on campus every chance I get.
From where I am sitting, I am in a much better position then some young guy who is still trying to get established. I will be there for my kids at a very important time in their lives, and I will be able to enjoy it.
You missed my point, and I'm not making any excuses for anything. I'm in great physical, financial, mental shape, love kids, can't wait.
Congrats on your newborn!
You got what I was trying to say.
You got what I was trying to say.
If you wait until you are "ready", you'll likely never have kids. There will always be something you'll want to do, or want to own. I mean it is one thing if you are on welfare, or up to your eyeballs in debt and want to have some disposable income before having kids, or if you JUST got married and want some time as a married couple first, I get those things. While there is nothing wrong with being an older 1st time dad (my son was born when I was 36, and will be roughly 40 when the last is born if all goes right), I wish I was able to start a family a little earlier and I'm not exactly sitting in the lap of luxury when it comes to finances.
As long as you are able to put diapers and clothes on the kid and food on the table and a roof over your head, that is the most important thing. Just remember that things will change, time out with the buddies is drastically cut, hobbies get put on the back burner, etc. However, it is TOTALLY worth it.
You're never going to be 100% ready.
On the other hand, if there are compelling reasons to wait 3 months, 6 months, or a year, delaying a little bit is certainly an option.
I *hope* that you talked about kids before you got married and were on the same page. It is a little like jumping into a pool... at some point you kinda just have to dive in, but it's not a bad idea to check your pockets first.
My wife and I did talk about the baby thing before we got married. We both want kids, like that's not even an argument for us. I'm going to be 24 this winter. Right now it's just me in a job in the Marines, because she got out for medical reasons. I'll be out in December as well. Her parents are having us stay with them until we get back on our feet, and I'm pretty set on what I want to do for my career, I've got half the experience down. I quit smoking a couple months ago to try to save money. I just don't know, you know? I mean if her BC failed and we got pregnant I wouldn't like have her abort the kid or anything, I'm feeling like a fish out of water because I see her on here, I see how she looks at other ladies who are pregnant. Then I start kinda snapping at her about it and accusing her of petty stuff dealing with pregnancy, like I stated in my first post, I don't know what that means, ya know?
All my wife has wanted in life is to have kids. So after we got married and she finished school the two promises I made to her mother I told her that we could start trying. She got pregnant after some time but we lost the baby after five weeks. That was the worse thing I have have ever expirenced in my life mainly cause there was nothing I could do for my wife.
Now we are excepting a baby in February and we couldn't be happier.
It's hard to say when your ready to have a baby, but it is the greatest experience one can have. I say if your not totally against it go for it. Just don't let her go crazy and make it seem like a chore
You are never ready.
I always told myself I was so-so about kids.. take them or leave them. I focused on my career, always telling myself I needed more "money, security, etc etc" to ever have a child. My wife really felt the same way. I honestly thought we would not have children and just spoil our nephew rotten.
Fate had other ideas. Turns out we are expecting. I am 25 and she is 29. We have a house. She just finished her Masters degree and I work as an engineer in the IT realm- so needless to say, we are financially able to do pretty much whatever.
Yes, this means we can't all of the things we wanted and do the things we want. We had plans for motorcycles, a boat, jet skis, etc. Things we can afford and wanted.
When my wife told me she was pregnant, I saw all of that disappear in an instant. And I was upset for about 23 seconds. After those first 23 or so seconds- I have been completely changed. You make ends meet.
I agree with the post about statistics and age. While I probably would have changed my mind about having kids, it would have been well into my 30s or even 40s. And he is absolutely right- that is time you are robbing from your kids. My grandparents all passed away before I was 5- they waited late to have children.
Look at this example- my wife's mother passed away from cancer and her father is in his late 60's. My parents are in their early/mid 50s. My parents will have 15+ extra years as grandparents to my child if they live as long as my father in law does. That is being able to not only see but participate in my childs milestones in life. If my child has kids at 25, my parents could realistically be great grand parents in their 70's and I will be a grandfather at 50. Her father will be 85+ and honestly, with his health, isn't going to make it another 25 years.
Not saying it is right or wrong either way- but I am saying I am glad this unplanned event happened when it did. It really opened my eyes up to the time I was stealing from my kid and grandkids in the future. Because no matter how long you live- if you had your kid at 25 vs 45... that is still 20 extra years you spent with them.
I think it would be reasonable to wait until you are done with the Marines before getting started. That's going to be a fairly big, stressful transition for you, and I think I would want to wait until I was through that transition before dealing with the big, stressful, wonderful transition of pregnancy and parenthood.
It's critical your wife's health insurance situation is locked up if she is going to get knocked up. I freely admit total ignorance to what your health care situation will be when you leave, but having a baby is expensive, and having a baby without health insurance is nuts. Minimally, you don't want to have to make health care decisions based on cost.
Money is the number one thing couples fight about and the number one reason couples split up. If waiting six months or a year would put you on stronger financial ground before starting a family, I would wait. Talk to your wife, make it clear you love her and are excited about having a baby with her, but explain how it would be best for everyone in the family, including the child, if you are financially back on your feet before you start trying. It will be understandable if she gets impatient, but I do think giving her a general "we will start trying around X date" might be helpful. It sounds like you two are in a pretty good spot in your marriage, so it's just a few logistics you need to figure out.