Baby names!

greenteabee · September 2012

We find out the babies' genders in a few weeks, and my babies' Aparents and I have been talking baby names. I really like the name Alexander/Alexandria for a name, do you think it's appropriate if I ask if they use that name for one of the babies?

ellekae · September 2012

I think you can definitely suggest it, but please try not to be sad if it's not their style. People can be very particular and defensive about baby names. Just lurk on the baby names board to see what I mean!

Julie721 · September 2012

It sounds like you are on your way to a great relationship with the Aparents, and from your other posts it seems as though they would at least be open to a discussion about Alexander/Alexandria.

I think it really depends on the couple. Some Aparents we know had their BM pick the middle name, so that is another option as well. They may LOVE Alexander/Alexandria.

kacelle · September 2012

I personally am very particular about baby names and, as an adoptive parent, I would want to be able to give a name that was very meaningful to me to my child. I don't mean to sound rude, and I'm sure some adoptive parents would love input from birth parents; that's just my take. I would be more open to giving the child a name that was very meaningful to the BM rather than one she just liked.

ETA: I also feel like, at this stage, I'd be really afraid as an adoptive parent to deny a birth parent something like that. I'd be worried about jeopardizing the placement by offending the BM if I wasn't on board with the name she chose. That's probably ridiculous, but I wouldn't want that pressure at this point in the game.

silliestbunny · September 2012

For some APs, names are a make or break deal (often names have a special family meaning). For others they want Emom's suggestions.

I suggest you start by checking if they have names or if they are open to suggestions. I purposely bolded the last part because you need to say the whole statement.... Everyone has names they are considering... but that doesn't always mean that they aren't open to suggestions.

If naming is important to you, talk about middle names too... maybe you can find a compromise.

Listening to your concerns as you discern your journey, you seem like open and honesty are of the upmost importance. What you don't want to have happen is to have APs that feel like they need to choose your suggested name at the birth and then have them change it afterwards. IMO that's so not cool... but it has happened. I can nearly guarantee, though, that in the cases that happened good and honest communication wasn't happening at this point... which you have!!

Good luck!

PS- If they are open to playing the name game w/you, check out Nymbler dot com. It allows you to put in suggestions... perhaps your style and their style to see what suggestions come out!

JellyTwoPointO · September 2012

kacelle:
I personally am very particular about baby names and, as an adoptive parent, I would want to be able to give a name that was very meaningful to me to my child. nbsp;I don't mean to sound rude, and I'm sure some adoptive parents would love input from birth parents; that's just my take. nbsp;I would be more open to giving the child a name that was very meaningful to the BM rather than one she just liked.ETA: I also feel like, at this stage, I'd be really afraid as an adoptive parent to deny a birth parent something like that. nbsp;I'd be worried about jeopardizing the placement by offending the BM if I wasn't on board with the name she chose. nbsp;That's probably ridiculous, but I wouldn't want that pressure at this point in the game.

Honestly, I agree with every word of this. As an adoptive parent, I'm going to miss out on a LOT of traditional aspects of expecting a child the experience of being pregnant, those feelings, giving birth, etc. The whole naming process is one of those few and precious things that are going to belong to me. To many people, names are sacred and it's one of THE most important aspects of having a child. And as the adoptive parents.... This is going to be their child. This is my personal option and maybe others will disagree, but I feel this is their place to choose and to name their child. But as others suggested, you could always gently inquire if they're open to your suggestions. However, a lot of adoptive parents are terrified the birth moms are going to go back on their agreements and keep the baby or choose another family, so I agree with this PP that if I felt like saying "no" to a birth mom on this might jeopardize the adoption, I'd probably say yes to keep the adoption feeling secure and then change it afterwards.... Just being honest. Some may consider that shady, but people who feel vulnerable are often put in compromising and difficult decisions.

greenteabee · September 2012

Jellybean902:
kacelle:
I personally am very particular about baby names and, as an adoptive parent, I would want to be able to give a name that was very meaningful to me to my child. nbsp;I don't mean to sound rude, and I'm sure some adoptive parents would love input from birth parents; that's just my take. nbsp;I would be more open to giving the child a name that was very meaningful to the BM rather than one she just liked.ETA: I also feel like, at this stage, I'd be really afraid as an adoptive parent to deny a birth parent something like that. nbsp;I'd be worried about jeopardizing the placement by offending the BM if I wasn't on board with the name she chose. nbsp;That's probably ridiculous, but I wouldn't want that pressure at this point in the game.
Honestly, I agree with every word of this. As an adoptive parent, I'm going to miss out on a LOT of traditional aspects of expecting a child the experience of being pregnant, those feelings, giving birth, etc. The whole naming process is one of those few and precious things that are going to belong to me. To many people, names are sacred and it's one of THE most important aspects of having a child. And as the adoptive parents.... This is going to be their child. This is my personal option and maybe others will disagree, but I feel this is their place to choose and to name their child. But as others suggested, you could always gently inquire if they're open to your suggestions. However, a lot of adoptive parents are terrified the birth moms are going to go back on their agreements and keep the baby or choose another family, so I agree with this PP that if I felt like saying "no" to a birth mom on this might jeopardize the adoption, I'd probably say yes to keep the adoption feeling secure and then change it afterwards.... Just being honest. Some may consider that shady, but people who feel vulnerable are often put in compromising and difficult decisions.

I definitely think that that is shady. That's being dishonest to the woman who is considering placing the child with you, and she should know that so that she CAN choose a different family if it is that important to her. I'm sure that there is probably some mothers that it's not as important that would still place, but if the name is that important to her she should place with a different family. In my opinion.

Dr.Loretta · September 2012

I think you need to think about how strongly you feel about the names, how your relationship is with the Aparents, and how open/flexible you all are about names.

Every experience is different. DD's BM named her in the hospital before we met, but she wasn't wedded to the name. I thought she'd hate the name we had in mind, but she was totally cool with it. Some e-moms consider the names they like to be dealbreakers. Some are more flexible, and are OK with the name they like being a middle name. Etc.

I think it's totally fine to bring it up and see what they think.

ellekae · September 2012

Dr.Loretta:
I think you need to think about how strongly you feel about the names, how your relationship is with the Aparents, and how open/flexible you all are about names.

Every experience is different. DD's BM named her in the hospital before we met, but she wasn't wedded to the name. I thought she'd hate the name we had in mind, but she was totally cool with it. Some e-moms consider the names they like to be dealbreakers. Some are more flexible, and are OK with the name they like being a middle name. Etc.

I think it's totally fine to bring it up and see what they think.

I completely agree.

Sorry if my first reply seemed negative! I wasn't trying to be.

House of Lovelock · September 2012

Our son's mom chose his first name, and even though it wasn't a name we "loved" it was his name from his first mama and we wanted to keep it. I know it isn't for everyone, but we thought it was a nice way to honor her. I think you are the current sole mom, just name them - knowing maybe they won't keep the names, but I think it's good to call the babies by name!

orangecupcake · September 2012

Jellybean902:
kacelle:
I personally am very particular about baby names and, as an adoptive parent, I would want to be able to give a name that was very meaningful to me to my child. nbsp;I don't mean to sound rude, and I'm sure some adoptive parents would love input from birth parents; that's just my take. nbsp;I would be more open to giving the child a name that was very meaningful to the BM rather than one she just liked.ETA: I also feel like, at this stage, I'd be really afraid as an adoptive parent to deny a birth parent something like that. nbsp;I'd be worried about jeopardizing the placement by offending the BM if I wasn't on board with the name she chose. nbsp;That's probably ridiculous, but I wouldn't want that pressure at this point in the game.
Honestly, I agree with every word of this. As an adoptive parent, I'm going to miss out on a LOT of traditional aspects of expecting a child the experience of being pregnant, those feelings, giving birth, etc. The whole naming process is one of those few and precious things that are going to belong to me. To many people, names are sacred and it's one of THE most important aspects of having a child. And as the adoptive parents.... This is going to be their child. This is my personal option and maybe others will disagree, but I feel this is their place to choose and to name their child. But as others suggested, you could always gently inquire if they're open to your suggestions. However, a lot of adoptive parents are terrified the birth moms are going to go back on their agreements and keep the baby or choose another family, so I agree with this PP that if I felt like saying "no" to a birth mom on this might jeopardize the adoption, I'd probably say yes to keep the adoption feeling secure and then change it afterwards.... Just being honest. Some may consider that shady, but people who feel vulnerable are often put in compromising and difficult decisions.

We had names chosen for years. The MN we had chosen was meaningful to me as it would be in honor of my late dad. When we met BM she asked about names, we shared the FNs we had considered. She asked if she could help choose a MN. Honestly we were kind of afraid of the name she would choose, but when she told us, we fell in love. Out of the 3 FNs that we shared, they picked the one they(BM and her mom) liked. In the end, we chose another FN, but used the MN that BM chose. Although I didn't get to use the MN that I liked, DD has a name that her BM chose.

When we adopt again, I would love to ask for MN input from the BM.

adoptivemama · September 2012

We were just recently matched, and she had some suggestions for the name, but ultimately she said it was our decision. We ended up picking the name we had wanted forever as the first name and are letting her choose the middle name.

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