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Attachment Parenting
wildcat99
member
XP: husband wants me to wean, we're not ready
wildcat99
member
Hi all! I have a 13 month old who is breastfed. She does take solids well and eats a variety of foods, but she loves to nurse. She typically nurses 4 times a day and twice at night. She's always had trouble with the bottle, but will take a sippy of water just fine, and we're working on sippies of milk. She'll do it at daycare but not at home.
Because of my work schedule, my husband ends up on his own with her a couple of nights a week. And she misses nursing. She fusses, cries, and I think he gets frustrated. So, he is actively encouraging me to wean her (we still nurse when we are together, I am no longer pumping). I mean, to the point where if he sees me nursing her he rolls his eyes and swears under his breath. I have tried to explain to him the "don't offer don't refuse" method, and also that she will wean when ready and if I push her it will be harder on all of us (essentially an extended version of what she is doing with him at night). But, he doesn't listen. And makes me feel guilty about doing something both my daughter and I love.
So, my question is, does anyone have any recommendations of articles I can send him about breastfeeding past a year? I've recommended the kellymom site, but he refuses to look at it. He looks at the CDC site, and is very into "they say breastfeed for a year, it's time to stop now". It also doesn't help that he comes from a large family and they are all very anti extended breastfeeding and tell him I should be weaning. (His mom was anti breastfeeding all together, and that was a whole different battle).
Thanks for any suggestions you may have!This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: husband wants me to wean, we're not ready
Well, regardless of what you guys wind up deciding to do the rolling his eyes and swearing under his breath needs to stop. That is so incredibly disrespectful! My DH would get a serious earful if he decided to act that way. How is he feeding her while you're away? Is he sensitive to her need for cuddles or does he expect her to eat like a 5 year old at this point? The CDC recommends to breast feed for AT LEAST a year and then for as long as the mom and baby desire to. It does not recommend a time to stop. You could also refer him to the WHO. They will have better info on extended nursing than the CDC.
If the only reason he wants you to stop is because he's having trouble with her at night, I think weaning is unlikely to solve the problem. She misses you and the connection with you... not just a boob in her mouth. Weaning her may actually make the problem worse since she doesn't have the same ability to connect when you are at home. Either way, he needs to start being respectful of you and of your child's needs... which, until she is weaned, include nursing.
I'm going to be a little backwards here. Your DH is being very rude in trying to make his point, but I can understand where he's coming from. It annoys me to no end when my DH jumps at every little noise our LO makes at night rather than let her have a minute to try to soothe herself, so it seems similar. I don't have any particular advice on which articles, especially if he refuses to look at kellymom, but this sounds like it needs to be a compromise.
Well, this is what the CDC has up:
How long should a mother breastfeed?
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that breastfeeding continue for at least 12 months, and thereafter for as long as mother and baby desire. The World Health Organization recommends continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond.
So it really doesn't matter what websites he's looking at; he perceives breastfeeding as a problem and it probably can't be fixed with facts. I would try to talk to him when you're not nursing, not in a rush, and well rested. Talk about how he's making you feel, and why you want to let your DD continue nursing.
The biggest benefits for me and DS still breastfeeding have been when he's sick (and won't eat anything and is totally miserable). I can't imagine how stressful that would have been if he was weaned.
There is this from the AAP: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/breastfeeding/pages/Continuing-Breastfeeding-Beyond-the-First-Year.aspx
"If you are still breastfeeding your child through his first birthday, you can congratulate yourself on having provided him with the best nutrition he could possibly receive. Now that he is consuming a wide variety of solid foods, your breast milk has become somewhat less critical from a nutritional perspective. Some toddlers continue to consume a moderate amount of breast milk (and thus the nutrients it contains), while others ?graze? and ingest smaller quantities, getting most of their nutrition elsewhere. Certainly there is no known point at which breast milk becomes nutritionally negligible. What we do know is that as your child moves from babyhood toward toddlerhood, breastfeeding continues to act as a source of profound comfort and security, laying the groundwork for a confident, happy, and healthy future. For this reason, as well as the continued nutritional and immunologic benefits of breastfeeding, the AAP advises mothers to continue nursing beyond the first year for as long as mutually desired by mother and child."
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My husband was the same way, although he didn't roll his eyes or swear about it. That would have seriously pissed me off. Once DS turned 1, DH was ready for us to stop. Too bad it wasn't up to him. I think he was more worried about what other people would think, and he was concerned that DS would still be nursing when he went to Kindergarten. He ended up weaning, with some gentle encouragement from me, just after his 2nd birthday.
If your DH is anything like mine, articles aren't going to convince him. And honestly, you shouldn't need to send him articles because what the experts say doesn't matter. When you decide to wean is between you and your baby, and your husband needs to respect that. I can understand his frustration when he has trouble soothing your LO, but there's no way of knowing whether weaning would even solve that issue. She might just want Mommy at bedtime, regardless, so he needs to find a way to work around it.
BFP #2 12/26/11 ~ EDD 9/6/12 ~ MMC discovered on 1/27/12 @ 8w1d (measured 6w2d)
BFP #3 8/10/12 ~ EDD 4/23/13 ~ MMC discovered on 9/13/12 @ 8w2d (measured 6w6d)
I get it to some degree, my DH wasn't huge on the whole EBF thing either, largely because I think he felt left out. In retrospect we should have made more of an effort sooner to do my first suggestion so take this as a if I had to do it over again here's what I'd do thing. My DD self wean at like 15 months so the choice was out of my hands but since it looks like yours is still going strong here's what I'd do:
- Try having him do or be part of the bed time routine every night not just the nights you are gone. Make sure he spends part of that time cuddling with her and developing a routine so whether you are there or not she knows what to expect. Honestly start to wean yourself out of bedtime for a couple weeks so that they can get better at it.
- As another poster mentioned talk to your daycare about what techniques they use to soothe her since clearly they can't bf her either and are doing ok.
- Talk to him about his behavior and how disrespectful it is, because it is.
- Explain to him just like you did to us the reasons you want to keep going, a lot of other changes coming, not being ready to give it up yet, the closeness it allows you to feel to her after a day at work and the possible benefits she's getting medically. Do it when you are both calm, she's not around and you have time to speak. Respect his feelings but make sure he understands the you need him to do the same.
GL!
The swearing and eye rolling is not constructive, and needs to stop.
BUT...I don't think you should leave your DH out of the decision to wean (or any other major decision). It sounds like he has a miserable time with your DD when you are not home, and that it is a significant amount of time. Consider how you would feel if that were you--crying DD with no way to soothe her until your DH came home.
Plus, you are a parenting team. You should make decisions about your DD together. Sometimes, it's easy to think that because I'm the mom, I make the decisions about the LO. That leaves her daddy out, but it's his child too, and he has a very important role to play.
I had the same issue with my DH. Still do to some extent even though im not BF anymore our DD prefers me to put her to bed at night so the couple of times i had to stay at work really late were pretty horrible for him. She just cried and cried and there was nothing he could do. Its gotta be a terrible experience so I just dont work late anymore.
I will qualify my post by saying I don't really consider myself an APer although partially just because I don't know enough about it. I am, however a mom who BF and works the night shift periodically.
DH is home with the boys by himself a lot and several times those are nights. DH is very supportive of me BFing and at this point in time weaning is a non-issue bc LO is only 6 months and I plan on BFing until 1-2 years.
However DH has expressed frustration with the same thing at night. When LO cries and I am home I bring him from the pack and play by our bed into bed and nurse him and we fall asleep. When I am not home DH has to go downstairs and get a warm a bottle of milk while LO wakes up more and gets frustrated. He usually keeps one bottle by his bedside for the first feeding of the night but can't keep more than that. Then who knows how much LO is going to eat at night and I get frustrated when DH makes a 6 oz bottle and LO only eats 3 oz and we end up throwing out perfectly good milk.
I don't really have an answer to your question but I can commiserate because I know how hard it is for DH at night. Your DH is wrong to roll his eyes and mutter under his breath for sure, but at the same time I think that you really need to sit down with him and discuss the best way to go about this recognizing that it has got to be really tough on him too. It is probably pretty confusing to LO too that some nights she can nurse back to sleep and other nights she can't. Given that she is over a year, maybe it is time to just night wean but keep nursing during the day.
I agree with this. I think even if you did wean, he'd still have the same problem with trying to soothe her when you're gone. He needs to figure out his own routine with her.
I really don't understand why men think they have a say in anything breastfeeding related - either to push a woman to try or to make her stop. Each parent child relationship is different. Breastfeeding is just one small part of one relationship. There's no reason he can't have his own way to bond with her.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
When you defrost the milk, split it into 2 3 oz bottles. If she wants more than the first 3 oz, give her the second bottle. If she decides she's done, stick it back in the refrigerator and it's there for the next feeding. This is one of the reasons I want a mini refrigerator in my bedroom! That and bottled water in the middle of the night. I get so thirsty!