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Input on extra visitation time... long

CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
in Blended Families

I?ll admit it, I snooped on my son?s FB. With the CS Contempt hearing coming up in October, I?ve been trying to monitor what purchases BD and SM have been bragging about, if BD has made any comments about working, etc. Instead, I stumbled across several posts between BD and his nephew who lives in Las Vegas. Turns out BD, SM and ex-MIL are going to Las Vegas in October to see the nephew and his family. Las Vegas is about 3 hours from me. No dates have been disclosed, but I know it?s happening next month. Neither BD, SM or ex-MIL have said anything to me directly, and I don?t know what my son has seen on FB about this trip. My son knows that Las Vegas is close to us, since we?ve traveled there several times over the years and had our wedding there.

Pursuant to the CO, BD only has the kids this year for 2 weeks in the Summer. We have our follow-up hearing in November regarding his antics this Summer of "hiding" with the kids, and is currently only allowed supervised visits until the hearing. So I guess I?m wondering, if BD asks to see the kids what should I do? Granted, it?s a month out, but the kids have several activities taking place in October. Pretty much every Friday night and all day Saturdays are accounted for already with school, football, cheer, dances, etc. 2 of the Sundays are booked with Cheer competitions and a family gathering that?s already been planned.

I have my flame-suit on and ready, so here goes: I am not agreeable to having the kids miss any of their activities or school. My husband and I have paid for all these activities, and BD has contributed nothing towards the activities in addition to not paying any CS and has expressed repeatedly that he thinks all the activities the kids enjoy are a waste of time. I am not agreeable to driving and meeting halfway to make things easier on him and will only allow the supervised visit that he is afforded in the current CO. Which means, if he wants to see the kids, he needs to drive all the way out here and spend time with them in a public setting. A visitation monitor was never established because he lives across the Country, so I can appoint/veto anyone to supervise the visit (already checked with my attorney). Obviously BD?s wife and mother are not going to be approved by me based on their assisting him in hiding my children this Summer, so chances are he?ll pitch a fit and decline spending time with them.

I am perfectly aware that my "conditions" are probably unreasonable, but given what happened this Summer and him consistently ducking service of Court documents I?m really not in the mood to accommodate him at all. I do however, want to at least give him a chance to see the kids. I know, I?m totally contradicting myself. But I don?t want it to come back on me later that he tried to see them and I wouldn?t let him. I?m willing to follow the CO and that?s about it. So, do I tell BD that I?m aware of his trip and give him the opening to ask for time? Or do I wait for him to ask and then see if the kids are actually available?

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Re: Input on extra visitation time... long

  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    Absolutely DO NOT let him get word that you have access to any info on him (or let your child know you know)

    Lay low and let things play out. Is there a criteria for time in advance he has to ask/inform you of visitation?

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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member
    imageHopeforthebest:

    Absolutely DO NOT let him get word that you have access to any info on him (or let your child know you know)

    Lay low and let things play out. Is there a criteria for time in advance he has to ask/inform you of visitation?

    This.  He knows where you are and it is absolutely his responsibility to talk to you.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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  • kllrbnnykllrbnny

    He is aware of how close he'll be. If he has time and wants to see them he will contact you. This isn't information that you received directly & he doesn't know you have it therefore you are not obliged to bring it up.

    If he does ask to see them and they have activities planned then he just has to deal with that. Make it clear that they will not be canceling and if he wants to see them he can work around their schedule.

    From what you've said about him (and the wife and mother) I doubt he'll bother to call. I would make a note of his lovely vacay for your court date though.

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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    imagekllrbnny:

    From what you've said about him (and the wife and mother) I doubt he'll bother to call. I would make a note of his lovely vacay for your court date though.

    Already done!  The posts about the trip are printed and filed away for DCSS along with the posts about new cars, new tattoos, photos of work he says he's done, etc.  He's going to have a lot of 'splaining to do in October when he tries to convince the Court he can't afford CS.

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  • TheBuddhaTheBuddha member
    I agree with both PPs. Also, there is nothing wrong with you following the CO, that's why you have it.

    CO says supervised visitation then that is what he gets.

    No flames here!
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    So I think I've posted here before that I'm a planner. I don't like surprises. I don't like last minute changes.

    Maybe it's just me, but I'd email him and see if he wants to arrange something. That way, you know you've made an effort. The kids have a better chance of not getting in the middle. And, you will hopefully not have to jump through hoops if he asks at the last minute. 

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  • kllrbnnykllrbnny
    imagejobalchak:
    imagekllrbnny:

    From what you've said about him (and the wife and mother) I doubt he'll bother to call. I would make a note of his lovely vacay for your court date though.

    Already done!  The posts about the trip are printed and filed away for DCSS along with the posts about new cars, new tattoos, photos of work he says he's done, etc.  He's going to have a lot of 'splaining to do in October when he tries to convince the Court he can't afford CS.

    Yes

    You're lucky he's idiotic enough to still have a FB page.

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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    imagefellesferie:

    So I think I've posted here before that I'm a planner. I don't like surprises. I don't like last minute changes.

    Maybe it's just me, but I'd email him and see if he wants to arrange something. That way, you know you've made an effort. The kids have a better chance of not getting in the middle. And, you will hopefully not have to jump through hoops if he asks at the last minute. 

    I am a major planner as well.  That's why I was wondering if I should give him the heads up that I know he's coming out here, so that we can try to figure something out.  Although, even if he were to tell me right now that he wants to see them, I am not rearranging their activities.  At all.  They have play offs and competitions coming up and missing practices will impact not just them but the entire team.  He's more then welcome to come watch a game, but I'm not letting him take the kids anywhere without a chaperone.  How sad is that?  I cannot trust a 32 year old man to be with his children without a chaperone.  Sheesh.

     

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  • kllrbnnykllrbnny
    If you would feel better knowing for sure one way or another you could say that DS (or whoever it was) mentioned the trip and you thought you'd call to see if was thinking about coming out to see the kids at that time. I wouldn't let on that you're the one who saw it, just b/c you seem to be getting a wealth of information from his FB and you don't want to give him any reason to end that.
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    What makes you think he will even ask for any time? I think he won't.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    imagegin9874:
    What makes you think he will even ask for any time? I think he won't.

    I think he'll wait until he's in Las Vegas and then ask.  That way he can look like he "tried" in front of his wife, mother, nephew and nephew's family.  See, he's more about appearing to care about the kids then actually caring about the kids. 

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  • kimmygirl77kimmygirl77 member
    imagejobalchak:
    imagefellesferie:

    So I think I've posted here before that I'm a planner. I don't like surprises. I don't like last minute changes.
    Maybe it's just me, but I'd email him and see if he wants to arrange something. That way, you know you've made an effort. The kids have a better chance of not getting in the middle. And, you will hopefully not have to jump through hoops if he asks at the last minute.nbsp;

    I am a major planner as well.nbsp; That's why I was wondering if I should give him the heads up that I know he's coming out here, so that we can try to figure something out.nbsp; Although, even if he were to tell me right now that he wants to see them, I am not rearranging their activities.nbsp; At all.nbsp; They have play offs and competitions coming up and missing practices will impact not just them but the entire team.nbsp; He's more then welcome to come watch a game, but I'm not letting him take the kids anywhere without a chaperone.nbsp; How sad is that?nbsp; I cannot trust a 32 year old man to be with his children without a chaperone.nbsp; Sheesh.
    nbsp;[
    quote]


    i am a planmer too. but my opinion is you let it alone and see how it plays out. the reason i say this is because if you email him, it will come out that you peeked at his facebook through your son's. in which case he can start an argument about your "snooping" in his words i personally would not want to argue. you would defend yourself because you are just parenting your son's facebook. He will see it as you spying on him, etc, etc. seems like a lot of hassle. you are in your 3rd trimester right? You dont need the added stress. i vote leave it alone.



    sorry no paragraphs. on cell phone
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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member
    imagejobalchak:

    imagegin9874:
    What makes you think he will even ask for any time? I think he won't.

    I think he'll wait until he's in Las Vegas and then ask.  That way he can look like he "tried" in front of his wife, mother, nephew and nephew's family.  See, he's more about appearing to care about the kids then actually caring about the kids. 

    If he does, suggest you all go out to eat somewhere together.  With last minute notice, you can't be blamed for not bending over backwards to provide him with a lot of time.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I did not read the whole post but do not let him know you read FB, if he asks you for visitation I would give him supervised visitation, it would be good for your son and good in court but ONLY if you have someone that can supervise that you trust or it will be at your house.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • cautionwillburneyescautionwillburneyes member
    After he hid the kids from you during the summer visitation, I would not feel obligated to mention anything up to him about knowing about his upcoming trip.  If he wants to see them, he can ask you, and it would have to be around their sports schedule.  I wouldn't go out of my way to make his life easier.
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  • KaeldrasmommyKaeldrasmommy member
    I wouldn't tip my hand on this one. I'm a heck of a planner too, but I would just wait and make him work around the kids schedule if he wants to see them bad enough. Quite frankly, screw him.
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  • bdbelladonnabdbelladonna
    I would pretend I don't know anything. See if he tries to arrange something and go from them. As much as you don't want to have the kids miss things you have miss activities you have paid for, I think if their father wants to see them it should be their choice. But I'm guessing he won't try to see them.
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  • socloudy99socloudy99 member

    I'm on team won't ask. For a BD like him that three hours ends up being more like....

    I would love to see them but it will be 10 hours of driving and $400.00 in gas that I don't have.

    At least that is what he says in my head.

    If he asks give him the kids schdule and let him know what he can attend. He would not get the children on his own (or with his mom).

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    After what he put you through I commend you for even considering offering.  But I wouldn't.  If you do, you may have to lie to cover up how you got the info or risk losing the ability to get similar information in the future. 

    Pick out some chunks of time that you're willing to offer him should he suddenly call and ask (maybe one per week) and if it happens and he won't take you up, tough.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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