- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
June 2011 Moms
Sunidaze
member
kind of a difficult situation, maybe some advice? And this is going to be long.
Sunidaze
member
I really should post this under an AE, but oh well.
Background (most of this has only been shared with my best friend, a really good guy friend, a therapist (a very brief synopsis) and most recently DH: I have three brothers (two older that are 'step' one younger that is 'half' -there are three years between each of us). I maintain contact with the one just above and just below me, the oldest I prefer not to have anything to do with whatsoever. And it's because of something that seems to be a recurring theme around here. He has never actually molested me I guess you could say. But I think the biggest reason for that is I am a fighter. I remember when the two older first moved in with us (their mother was and continues to be a real piece of work...we went down to the grandparents' in southern Ohio to get them. I was 9. I remember he had pulled me into a closet and kept trying to touch me. Basically couldn't keep his hands off me - end result, he had scratches all over his forearms. He explained away saying he caught some small animal (squirrel or rabbit or whatever) and it did that. I didn't know any better. He was always left in charge of the rest of us whenever our parents would go out, and this always resulted in - for lack of a better description (remembe, I'm going back almost 30 years) - 'tickle torture' while the other two were off playing games or whatever. Oldest SB was really into D&D and all that role playing stuff. And he did some things that made me really uncomfortable and tried to get me to do things to him that made me really uncomfortable. Until the day he moved out of the house, he was always trying to get me alone, touch me inappropriately, etc. I have never been comfortable around him. He is an all around loser/slimeball. He has a history of using people, sucking them dry (mentally and monetarily), leaching off people, etc.
When I was still in high school and he met and married his first wife, they had two children. I have a feeling he may have done inappropriate things to them, but I can't comfort, it is just a feeling I have. I remember the rare occasions they came around, his young son would scream whenever his daddy tried to hold him or whatever. He and that wife ended up divorcing, she moved back to Indiana, he gave up parental rights and her new husband adopted them. Before doing that, whenever SB had a job (also a job hopper) he would change one number of his SS to avoid child support (this is hearsay, don't know how true, but wouldn't doubt if he pulled something like that). I have no idea how to get in contact with her now.
As an adult, the rare times I would come into contact with him, I mastered the art of acting like he didn't exist...he could be standing right in front of me and I would look right through him as if he wasn't there. My mom has no love lost for him (after all, she didn't birth him so it makes it easier, but she has no clue of the overall situation). And you all know I have zero relationship with my dad anymore so I never see the family as a whole...just my mom and other SB and his fam (and I think he and his wife have been in counseling for their issues and I am seeing positive results) and younger brother when he is having a good day (he is untreated bipolar that hasn't actually been diagnosed...too many psych classes for me).
I am getting to the end of the story, I swear...
Anyway...back end of July, oldest SB found a new sucker to marry him...and from what I understand, she is a real piece of work herself. I, obviously, was not invited nor did I want anything to do with this wedding. But this new wife is really trying to enmesh herself in the family (she drives my mom nuts). A few weeks ago, I got a FB friend request from her along with a separate message to the tune of "You don't know me, but I am your new sister in law and I would really like the chance to get to know you. I have seen your husband several times (from what I understand she claims to be in a national guard unit out of C-bus but Shawn has no clue who she is - he has done training several times down there over the last several years)...", etc. I responded back stating "I am sure you don't really know or understand the dynamics of this family nor the relationships or lack thereof. I don't desire to have any sort of relationship with my step-brother and therefore no need to get to know you." (Pretty much those exact words.)
Okay...to the advice section: she is doing her best to see that they spend as much time around the rest of the family as possible (as I said, she is driving my mom nuts). But this also includes my other SB and his family - wife and two daughters ages 11 and 14. None of them have a clue. I feel I need to say something but quite honestly, I don't want this to blow up as a whole because I fear it will further divide the family and given that my mom already can't stand the oldest SB and the crap she takes from my dad because of my marriage, this has a potential for a bad all around outcome. Even DH is iffy if I should say anything. But I feel like I should at least say something to my SIL (not the new one, the established one) to the effect that she needs to not let the girls be alone with their uncle, no overnights to their house, make sure the girls understand what is appropriate and what is not, etc. And too, my SIL has mentioned bringing Stella over so they can watch her on occasion while DH and I have a night out. This is the main reason why I am so conflicted right now...why I am even considering saying something. I do not want my daughter around him at all, period. Now that new SIL is trying to get in good with everyone and they are visiting them, etc., I just don't even want to chance it.
Anyone have any words of wisdom they care to impart on me?
If you made it this far, I have no sweets to offer...but perhaps a protein shake?
Hmm...I could give Stephen King a run for his money with the size of this novel!
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: kind of a difficult situation, maybe some advice? And this is going to be long.
He will never come around, this we know about him. He is one of those people that is always right, never wrong, his way or the highway, etc. And at this point, I really think it is more a thing of pride for him than anything else - he's carried on like this for this long - in his mind, he would look really bad if he gave in now, if that makes sense.
What's your relationship with the established SIL? Do you think you could say something without it becoming a huge deal?
You could always wait a little while and see how often your crazy SB and his family really come around. Maybe the new SIL has good intentions, but perhaps it will fade away before they really forge any close relationship with the rest of your family. It seems unlikely that your crazy SB will instantly be alone with your nieces. If they all start getting together often you might feel more obligated to say something kwim?
BLOG
I really don't know how you would qualify the relationship I have with my SIL. When she and my brother first got married I thought "wow...I finally get a sister" (we are close in age, just six months apart) but we never developed that closeness. The past couple of years, I have been working on developing closer relationships with my nieces while my brother and SIL sort out there marriage. I think they are finally on the right track, and I think we are all to the point where we want to put more effort in. Anyway...I was planning to take Stella over for a visit this afternoon and kind of feel things out a bit and gauge how to proceed. I see that both new the new SIL and the creeper SB are on my older's niece's FB page so I do see that they visit on occasion.
I hate that I can in some ways relate to this situation and it is a hypothetical I have thought about.
I was molested by a cousin as a child. I posted about this before on an AE but I'm ok with not doing so now. My parents and family do not know this happened to me.
Due to an entirely different issue that this disgusting horrible excuses for a person had with his parents he no longer has anything to do with anyone in our family. If this scum did still have anything to do with our family I would not stay silent. I would tell anyone and everyone that would listen about what he did to me. I would do anything in my power to ensure he never had a chance to do this to anyone ever again.
I know your entire family situation is really difficult to deal with but the way I see it is how much more difficult would it be if something did happen to one of your nieces? And how would you personally feel knowing you could have prevented it?
I say tell either your SB, SIL or both. Preferably both imho.
Thank you for your input. It helps hearing from someone with a somewhat similar situation or who can more fully understand.
Your welcome, I am so sorry you are stuck in the middle of this on top of everything else that you have to deal with in your family and I hope it can be resolved without too much more drama.
Since you in no way want to develop a new relationship with the new SSIL just stick to your guns that you want nothing to do with SB and therefore don't feel like a relationship with her is appropriate/warranted.
As for SIL with the two little ones - I do think you need to tell her what happened to you. You don't have to tell everyone, but at least her and let her determine how to tell B. For her LOs sake she needs to know to be cautious and aware if they're developing a relationship with the oldest. Tell her Ds how to recognize a predator, what to do, etc. Granted, I feel all kids need to understand this, but if there is a remote threat in their life it needs to be stressed more than you'd probably care to stress it.
I would absolutely sit down with both your SB and the established SIL (who have the girls) and have a private conversation just the 3 of you. They deserve to know, especially if this new wife is trying to get them all together all the time. I would make sure to stress that this went on for years and got a little violent/rough at times. I would also stress that you have not shared with other family members and are only coming forward now for the sake of their girls. I would ask them to keep it to themselves (if you aren't comfortable telling the other fam at this time).
I know that you'd be heartbroken if something happened to the girls and you didn't say anything, so I definitely would.
As far as Stella being around... I would just not let that happen, ever. If your trusted SB and SIL ever offer to watch her, then make sure that they know that you are absolutely not comfortable at ALL with Stella being around SB.
So sorry for your family dynamic and for your experiences.
I most definitely think you should say something to your (established) SIL about the past and how uncomfortable he makes you. Without going into too much detail (unless she asks), I would just advise her to be careful with her own kids and make sure she knows your boundaries with Stella. I also wouldn't let her watch S if there is even a chance that the crazy SB will be around. It will be important that she understands why this is though.
But basically, my only advice is a solid heart-to-heart with the SIL you like.
This, exactly. I'm so sorry you went through this. As a mother (which I know you understand!) if I were in the shoes of your SB and SIl that you do get along with, I would absolutely want to know. Go at it in a nonconfrontational way, tell only the parts you know are true, that way if it gets back to creepy SB you haven't said anything you aren't sure of (like your assumption that he may have been inappropriate with his daughter by his former wife). Just tell them you aren't looking for drama, and you aren't trying to keep them from having a relationship with new SIL or SB, but that parent to parent you really felt like they needed to know.
If your husband had a sister who had been molested by a family member, and you were starting to spend time with that family member, I'm sure you would hope that your SIL would come talk to you or your husband to protect Stella.
Would you feel comfortable talking to you SIL one on one or sending her an email. I think they way you worded it all here is perfect. You aren't saying 100% that he would do anything, but that he put you in uncomfortable positions when you were younger and just want her to be aware since she has young daughters. And also tell her that if Stella is ever in her care, for those reasons, you do not want her to be around your SB.
I think this is one of those situations that you need to say something. Some people may not like hearing it, but at that point you've done what you can and can not feel guilty god forbid anything does happen.
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It has to be so uncomfortable.
Parent to parent, I absolutely would want to know. It's a horrible topic to have to discuss, but I think that your nieces would be big enough of a reason to do it. I won't repeat everything that's been typed, so that's my two cents.
Let us know what you decide. We're here for you!
I believe they have had a somewhat related conversation with the older one...actually more about unwanted attention she is sure to receive (actually already is) - poor girl is 14 years old, 5 foot tall, and a 34DD.
I think this may work for me. I'm thinking a one on one with the SIL first to kinda gauge her reaction. Used to be when she and my SB first were married, she was too trusting of everything and didn't think anyone was just plain evil and gave everyone a chance. For a while, she even thought my dad would come around in regards to DH. More recently in my conversations with her, I get the feeling the rose-colored glasses have come off.
My situation is kinda funky in that regard. I have always thought him to be my real dad...but when I was in fourth grade, I discovered my baby book and discovered that was not the case. My mom went to Florida after high school and lived there for a few years, got pregnant with me and returned home where she met dad and they married when i was 8 months old. It's a big family secret that I'm not supposed to know about and quite honestly, that part I don't really care about so I've never brought it up that I know. Yep, secrets galore in my family. Lots of secrets because there's already so much drama that everyone is aware of. And people (that know of all the other drama) keep reassuring me that my family is not unique in the drama and the craziness, etc.
You know...I thought about that when I initially posted this...just copy and paste (with a bit of editing) into an email...but in the end, I'm not comfortable doing that. I'd rather it be a face to face convo...only thing is, with convos like that I tend to get emotional and that can be a bit of a hindrance.
Getting emotional may be a hindrance, but them seeing you so upset may bring light to the situation. It may be just what they need to think whoa, she's not joking she obviously has strong feelings about him that we should look into ourselves.
I agree. Just express your sincere worry and not anger. I hope that whatever you decide to do, it works out. I hope they are receptive to your information and respect your wishes to keep it between you three.
This, I would be vague at first, don't go into details, just say that because you don't know him well you are not comfortable with him being around her. If they inquire further then you can start to give little bits and pieces to gauge how they react, "I didn't like the way he treated me when I was a child" it doesn't have to be a huge bombshell, and if you see them getting defensive about him, then you know their stance and to just keep your distance. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.