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insipired by the encouraging not forcing.
So from my previous posts you guys know XH is not involved with the kids. He will occasionally call and sees the three days a year. DS and DD were at my mothers for a week, during this time XH did call to talk to the kids but I was not home when he called. Usually when he calls if the kids are visiting or out I will answer and tell him and if they are at my mother's he will call there.
When XH called it was two days before the kids came home. So instead of calling back and telling him that they were away I told the kids that he called and would they like to call him back. DS (who is 4) said no and DD (3) said yes. So we called XH, DD talked for a few minutes and then said she was done. I told her to ask DS if he wanted to talk (I figured he would since his father was on the phone) but DS said no and walked away. So DD said good night and hung up the phone.
I have asked DS since if he wants to call and talk to BF and he says no and does not give me a reason even when I ask. So now I'm wondering if I should force him to talk to BF or just leave it until he wants to or BF pushes the matter. I do not want to force a relationship on DS that he doesn't want but he is only 4. Opinions and thoughts about what I should do.
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Re: insipired by the encouraging not forcing.
I agree with PPs. I think you should frame it as "DS, Your dad is on the phone, please come say hello". Pleasant, and upbeat, but not a choice. Have him say hello. Encourage him to tell his dad about his day at school. If he only lasts a minute or two, that's fine, but you're showing him (and XH) that it's important to you that they have a relationship of SOME kind. Maybe if you (and your DS) make this effort your XH might make more of an effort. And even if he doesn't, your son will probably NOT grow up and say "Gee mom I hate you for making me spend 5 minutes on the phone with dad every once in a while."
But he MIGHT grow up and say "Gee mom, why didn't you ever make my relationship with my dad a priority".
Really like this idea!! At the very least, you can try this. But I agree with other posters -don't give the child a choice. Let the child know his father wants to talk to him and encourage child to say hello. Once on the phone, the child may be open to talking more. 4yrs old is young -is child this way when anyone calls or just his father? Child may be saying no, not because he doesn't want to talk to his father, but because talking on the phone isn't "fun." Just a thought. Luck to you.
Anyone else calls and he is generally willing to talk, he will talk to my mother, my MIL, my dad etc. It just seems to be BD which makes it hard. BD has had declining contact and involvement in the 2.5 years since we split. I feel like DD is to young to realize this while DS sees it and is starting to understand it.
Honestly I doubt he understands, he probably realizes that he loves his DD and wishes he saw him more but he is extremely unlikely to be putting more complex thoughts on it since his father is not in and out of his life and rather just seems him infrequently. My SD is like that with my kids, they love her and she comes around every once in a blue moon she is 22 and is not consistent but they do not look at her like an absent sister but just someone they feel connected to and miss that they do not see often. Is there any chance that he is hearing anything negative from you, DH, or any other family member even something as simple as an annoyed sigh when his Dad's name is mentioned.