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March 2013 Moms
Home birth?
Hi,
I'm new to this but I was hoping for some suggestions and or opinions on birthing at home. I've never really liked doctors as a kid I was really sick and they experimented on me more than anything so I'm not fond of them, plus I'm very smart and science minded so I question most doctors and I've yet to find one that isn't a jerk when I ask questions. I've been reading a lot about home births and after seeing my BF's birth in the hospital go against everything she had planned and the fear and guilt they instilled in her I don't think that's something I want. Also I think it seems more natural from a comfort standpoint to birth where it's peaceful and comfortable (for me that is home).
So for my question my husband is FREAKED out by an in home birth, mainly because he thinks I'm going to die. Also he has an extremely large head (not freakish or anything just wears a big hat size) and his mom almost died with him because of the size of his head (mind you this was 32 years ago). From all my research in home is very safe and practices throughout most of the world. My husband doesn't seem to hear me and doesn't really want to do the research. This is very important to me and obviously to him as well. I've tried suggesting birthing centers as a compromise, but he doesn't like that either he wants me in a hospital and I just don't like the idea of pushing while on my back when I could use gravity instead.
Any tips and or suggestions?
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Re: Home birth?
Make a pregnancy ticker
loved that show! def worth watching
Make a pregnancy ticker
Home birth is not for me, but I do understand the appeal. My suggestion is to first find a midwife that does home births, and BOTH you and your husband go meet with her. Also, I suggest looking into Bradley classes. Bradley is a method of natural childbirth that is very focused on empowering your husband to be your labor coach. Education is key for a lot of men, and tends to make them feel better.
However, it does seem that he has some real fears about your safety (justified or not) regarding a home birth. Get him educated, and if he still does not like the idea of it, really explore your options together. Hospital births do not necessarily equal tons of intervention. It sounds like regardless, a MW is going to be your best. Many deliver in hospitals, and many hospitals are natural birth-friendly. Work together to find an option that you are BOTH comfortable with.
I've seen it and ever since then I've been doing more research. So I've had about a year under my belt of doing research. Whats weird is my husband watched it with me about a year ago and he totally agreed, but now that were pregnant its a different story. Thanks for the reminder maybe we need to watch it again!
yeah see I think that's why my husbands freaked out. His mom had it pretty rough with him. My mom almost died with her first and my sister-in-law had complications due to the size of my nephew's head, but all of them were done in hospitals. After watching the video everyone recommends above I'm not as fearful of complications from an in home birth, but that's just me.
Are there any birthing centers attached to hospitals in your area? What about a midwife at a hospital? A midwife delivered DD at a hospital.
I totally understand the position you are in! I was there with my first. I wanted a birth center, but dh said NO WAY! So we had our first in the hospital and it actually turned out to be a pretty dangerous ordeal because of hospital intervention and stuff.
I never wanted that again, so I pushed for a birthing center with #2 and dh was fine with that, but I hated it there so we switched to a home birth. I came to dh crying, armed with soooooo much research, and after having been 1000% against home birth, he said he trusted me and my research. And for us it was a faith thing too, I had spent soooo much time praying about it too, and that meant a lot to dh. We've had 3 homebirths now, and dh is always telling everyone how awesome it is to just be at home.
As for safety and large heads, well, I think it can really depend on birthing style. If you've got a doctor who is augmenting your labor and pushing your body and baby faster than they are ready to go, the baby can be slightly misaligned, and with a big head, that can cause problems.
If it were me, I'd talk to you MIL and ask her for every detail about the birth, that way I could better understand exactly what happened to her, and I could surmise whether it was a problem BECAUSE of his head size, or if it was a hospital induced problem (which is actually pretty darn common).
My best friend had her son at home (her second homebirth). She was complete for 6 hours before the urge to push finally came. She knew not to push her body or her baby before they were ready. They kept an eye on her stats and on the baby's hb, and everything was fine. She felt some shifting inside, and suddenly she was ready to push. After just a few pushes, a giant 9lb12oz boy with a 15" head came out easily. No tearing. No trauma to mom or baby. No distress. Nothing. She delivered in a squat and let gravity, time, and the baby do the things they needed to complete the birth safely. Obviously not everything goes as smoothly, but I think we tend to make emergencies out of things that shouldn't be emergencies sometimes.
I think it would be incredibly valuable for you to interview some midwives with your dh present and ask them extensive questions about complications and things like big heads and how they handle things. Ask their rates of transfer and emergencies and stuff like that. And if in the end you can't talk dh into it, I'd opt for a mw in a hospital I guess.
I have a very biased opinion because I worked in a NICU for 6 years and attended deliveries. We only went to "bad" deliveries. I have seen things go from perfect to terrible in the blink of an eye, and as much as I understand the desire for people to home birth it's not for me.
If that is your desired birth plan, find a skilled midwife that you trust to make a quick decision if it needs to be done. Do your research, and good luck!
I don't know about your area, but we have many midwives who come to the hospital and will do water births, limited monitoring and allow you to deliver in whatever position you want. It might be a good compromise for you and DH.
Thank you all for you comments I really appreciate them! I did find a hospital that has midwives and doulas and water births, but they only have two birthing pools available and they are first come first serve, which I guess are really popular
It's also a 30 min drive (which seems far, but I'm assuming must be do able). I'll continue looking into that as a back up if I had get the hubby on board with a home birth.
Thanks again!
I think that it is important for mothers to have choices to birth in the place that they feel safest. If you feel safest birthing at home (after you've done research) then that *should* be an option for you.
Personally, I would be planning a homebirth if there hadn't been a bunch of political sh!t with the NC medical board that went down about 3 months ago. Basically, right now it would be impossible for me to have a legal homebirth. After the research and reading I've done, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not going to hire a homebirth MW who can't practice legally and is therefore (or could be) afraid to transport when needed. Instead, we are planning our birth at a free standing birth center with midwives. Especially for our first, I'm very happy with this.
As for you husband, all of the concerns he's listed are not logical concerns. Just because we (or our husbands) were big babies does not mean that we will birth super large babies. I was a c-section, and my mom is convinced she would have died if she weren't in a hospital, but after digging deeper into her birth story that's really not the case--any good midwife would have recognized the need to transport my mom to a hospital well before she needed her "emergency c-section." The medical community uses that word "emergency" a lot and it scares us--when in reality, there are very few situations that are truly "do or die" emergencies--car accidents, yes; laboring for a long time, no.
Also, when you find articles online, birth stories, blog posts, etc. Just email them to your husband and say "this is something really interesting and important to me. I want you to be informed too, about all our birth choices." That way, he can read through things on his own time and the information is not coming directly from you--he gets it from a "more objective" source (though certainly most things written about home birth have some sort of bias; if he reads it directly it won't be tainted with your bias.) My husband was already starting to come around to the idea of a homebirth, we had been talking about it a bit, when we sat down and watched The Business of Being Born together. While it is making an argument--like all documentaries do--I think it was helpful for my husband to have a context and images to put with everything I was talking about. It made the idea of homebirth and the midwifery model of care seem more normalized, so he started to feel more comfortable with it.
Also keep in mind that not all hospitals create an atmosphere of fear around birth or completely disregard the mother's wishes. Especially hospitals that have the "Baby Friendly" rating are much more likely to be supportive of natural birth and breastfeeding. Going with a midwife attended homebirth is not the ONLY way to achieve a natural birth. I think the most important thing is finding a practitioner (OB or MW) that honors and respects your desires and philosophy for birth. I've met MW's that I'd never have attend my birth because I don't like their approach. I know women who have had awesome and very supportive OBs. Also, if hospital birth is important to your husband, make sure you familiarize yourself the hospital's c-section rates, and other policies (how long will they let you labor, continuous fetal monitor, IV mandatory, visitors allowed, food/drink allowed, rooming in vs. nursery, when and where do they do newborn exams, etc.). You may find that the hospital you would use would accomidate your birth wishes very easily, or you might find they have policies that would not allow you to have your best birth, which, in that case, would be a powerful argument to present to your husband. Just because it is a hospital does not mean that their policies are automatically "what is best for baby" sometimes it's just "what is convienent" (i.e. cord clamping, newborn tests and exams, putting limits on labor times).
With big decisions like I this I always think communication is the most important tool.
ETA: sorry for the novel...
Flame away, but I HATE this mentality and the way women insist on sharing "terrifying" birth stories. How on earth is that productive? This perpetuates the idea that birth is something scarey, that we should be afraid of and as a result MUST be a medical event or procedure--not a normal life event.
Birth has risks no matter where you choose to give birth. Considering that the US has one of the highest rates of OB attended births in the world, but we also have a considerably high infant and maternal mortality rate, it is pretty safe to say that hospital birth does not automatically mean a safer birth.
Yes, some women (maybe even someone you know) have scary births. Yes, some women needed to be in hospitals for their birth. But you are are not that woman. Each woman's birth is different (just like all babies are different). To say that was best for your friend/cousin/sister/mother/person-you-read-about-on-the-internt is best for you, is just not logical or practical. You are a completely different person.
If YOU feel safest and most comfortable in a hospital, then by all means, plan your birth there. If you don't, then plan your birth where you do feel safe and comfortable, regardless of other people's experiences.
I totally agree with PP (no flames from me). Just because someone you know or a friend of a friend of a friend needed an emergent procedure, doesn't mean that you will. You need to research your options and make the choice that is right for YOU. If you feel that the best decision for you is to give birth at home and your DH is seriously not on board, see if you can compromise on a birth center or a hospital that is VERY natural birth friendly (they do exist - I'm going to be delivering at one). Find a knowledgeable provider and talk with them about what they do if things aren't looking like they're progressing as they should or if there is an emergency. Perhaps that will help your DH with his fears.
This. Then you could have the best of both worlds and be at a hospital if God forbid something happens.
One of my good friends from high school went on to become a CNM who does home births (out of state). I witnessed her home birth and another friend's who had a hospital birth with her 1st (that I was also present for). It was a night and day difference for mother's with low risk.
That said, there are limited midwife practices in my area and even fewer birth centers with a good reputation, none of which are covered by my insurance. I had a friend who had a horrible birth center experience (delivery & post-delivery complications and screwed them over on their billing).
I ended up having DD with a low risk, low intervention OB in a WHO Baby Friendly Hospital. My birth plan was okay'd by my OB but in the end if you're in labor for several hours, you may see them only once or twice prior to pushing if you're lucky. I had a mixed bag of nurses; one traded me off claiming I didn't speak english. After delivery I got lucky enough to have my survey pulled by hospital adminstrators who allowed me to speak in front of a panel about my experience... from what I understand, things have changed (for the better) over there. I will deliver at the same hospital again.
You can labor as long as you want to at home if that's your wish and then go in to the hospital - that is our goal this time, depending on the time (I am 40 minutes from the hospital and easily twice that with traffic during certain times of the day).
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Married to J since 5/05, Mommy to T (10/08), L (08/10) and C (02/13) who was born at home.
I saw the Business of Being Born, and totally fell in love with the idea of home birth. I hate hospitals and IVs and stuff, so it seemed like a great idea. That is until I saw an episode of Labor of Love on Veria.
The poor family had a completely incompetent midwife who managed to snap the umbilical cord on the birthing pool, told the woman that her blood pressure was dangerously low when in fact the blood pressure cuff was broken, and then told the parents that their baby had Downs (he didn't, he was just fine).
After that, I decided that a hospital birth is probably a good idea at least for the first. That way I'll have a better idea of what's going/what to expect, and maybe I can give it a shot if we have any other babies. Also, you might want to double check with your health insurance provider to make sure they actually cover home births, apparently some don't due to the risks involved. Good luck!
That story makes me so sad. However, it emphasizes the importance of finding competent midwives AND OBs. Either one could have a traumatizing affect on a birth. One thing I like about midwives, is that, generally, they do interviews free of charge and I've interviewed midwives for upwards of 90 minutes. It is harder to get an OB to just interview with you, so often you just have to schedule an appointment, hope for the best, and change OBs part way through your pregnancy if you need to.
While PP said you might not consider other random people's bad experiences, you might take some cues from your own family history. If you've had 3 women in your family almost die in childbirth, you would be at a higher risk than the average woman. If DH is freaked out, he may have reason to be. I'd seek out a reputable midwife and let her assess the safety of you, with your family history, trying a home birth/birthing center.
I see what you're saying here. And I agree that it is important to be aware of family history and share that with your provider. I just don't think it should be the only, or even the major factor in determining your health care choices. I think it is important for each woman to be evaluated based on their own personal history and constitution. There is so much that goes into the health and well-being of a person and family history is just one piece of that.
My mom has myriad health issues: ulcerative colitos, high cholesterol, she's had her colon removed, and several surgeries to remove infected ovaries, fallopian tubes, and repair incesional hernias. When I was born her doctor said she had a "contracted pelvis" (whatever that is...). If I made decisions based on my family history (or if my mom had her way), I'd have been getting colonoscopies from the time I was 12, never eat an egg in my life, and I'd just automatically schedule a c-section...
I have none of the health issues my mom does, and trust me I've been screened several times by multiple health care providers because my mom is so scared and I like to be diligent. If I hadn't done my research and just made decisions based on my family history, I'd be in a completely different (and much scarier) place right now.
Do your research. Find a competent health care provider who you trust. Make decisions about your health based on the total picture, not just one piece.
I just wanted to add that I have an OB and I delivered at a hospital last year. It was a great experience. Not all hospital births involve you getting "pressured" or whatever. If you make your wishes known, your nurses should respect you. I had a drug free birth and everything was done exactly the way I wanted it.
I just wish I could have a water birth at the hospital but that's not an option unfortunately.
Sorry I miss typed. His moms alive and well. It's only the stories she's shared with him that we have an idea of what happened, but to be honest she tends to exaggerate everything so it's really hard to tell what really happened.
hear hear! That's what I'm trying to tell my husband.
hmmm....good point.
Well I think i've decided to stick with the hospital. It does have a good rating, however there not as pro midwives/doulas as I would hope but that doesn't mean I can't hire one out of pocket and have them there with me. The hospital that I mentioned was 30 miles away, however it turns out has two water birth tubs, but after further investigation that they don't have a NICU or any emergency response and the the closest one would be the hospital I'm going to go to. I think I will labor at home (since it's my first) it will most likely take awhile then go to the hospital. They don't offer water births (which is a bummer, but then the fecal contamination part makes me leery too). But they do offer birthing balls and different things. I'm going to tour the hospital to really get a better feel for it, but right now its the only option in which I can help ease my husbands fears. I don't blame him, I know this is scary and for me having a freaked out husband isn't worth it, because he will just stress me out.
Thanks again for all the suggestions!
I would suggest a birthing center, preferably attached to a hospital. I would find a certified midwife instead of an ob for your care if you feel more comfortable. Having a doula with you will also help make sure your wishes are followed.
My co-worker's mom is a mid-wife and she decided to birth at home for her 1st. Baby was stuck and lost oxygen for some time. She had to be rushed to the hospital and now baby has some brain damage. I know that these things happen in hospitals too, but I think it is a good idea for the 1st child to be near medical professionals.
My ob said to me in the delivery room that when a woman is out at the bar picking her mate, she should pay more attention to his head size than other features
My two boys are getting a surprise May 2015!