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Attachment Parenting
At my wits end- gentle discipline advice needed
DS is 2.5 and recently started hitting and kicking me. I am 9 months pregnant and he keeps on coming at me, aiming some of his kicks and hits at my belly. He is relentless and the attacks seem to come from out of no where. On occasion it is directly related me telling him not to do something, like chase our cat. Other times we will be playing together and all of the sudden he decided it is fun to hit me and he will laugh the entire time. He doesn't do it to his dad, just to me. When it first started we were able to make him understand by talking to him about the book "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" showing him the bad fish and explaining how it is not nice to hurt others. We do not spank him and he is not exposed to hitting anywhere else. Talking to him is not effective any more. I tried removing myself in efforts to ignore the behavior and have been driven to trying time outs. He thinks those are a joke as well and laughs the entire time while still coming at me hitting and kicking. It has angered me so much after weeks of putting up with it that I am loosing my temper and getting so angry that I am ready to start trying spanking. I have also tried distraction, but he is not easily distracted. He is standing over me kicking and hitting right now and all I can do is cry because I am so frustrated. The only thing that works is having his dad talk to him. Part of me thinks the hitting is an effort to get his dads attention. I am a SAHM, so I don't know what to do when his dad is not home. I think some of it is also related to the changes he senses from the new baby coming. Please help me! I don't know what to do and am disturbed by the thought that are running through my head about hurting him back to make him understand.
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Re: At my wits end- gentle discipline advice needed
Wow. I am so sorry. That is awful. I think we can all easily understand how frustrated you are. You might be uncomfortable with what you're thinking, but it is completely understandable.
I don't have any specific methods to deal with this, but I might consider seeing a child behavioral therapist if it persists. It does sound like DS has major aggression issues that need to be resolved, especially before LO arrives.
If it were me I would probably isolate myself (behind closed doors) every single time it starts. I would give lots of positive attention to dS when he behaves, and tell him how pleasant it is, in the hopes that he would quickly realize that being good gets him the attention he wants, whereas hitting and attacking results in not getting any attention from you. I would also have your husband express displeasure at him when he gets home if he has acted out that day. He needs to see you two as a united front.
Good luck, I hope this is just a stage that can be dealt with and passes quickly.
Ditto removing yourself to a part of the house DS can't get to and offering lots of praise when he's being well behaved.
*hugs* I've been there and I know the feeling, it's really tough...
First, I don't really agree with pp. Yes, they can understand that hitting hurts, but not the same way that we understand it... Even if he knows it's going to hurt, he can't control the impulse to hit. Impulse control doesn't develop until around 5 and doesn't mature until the 20's (from what I've read). I don't think his behavior is that un-typical for a 2.5 y/o... especially with the changes that are coming! DS was the most aggressive right around the time DS2 was born. It's just a tough time for them!
Second, 2.5 is a state of disequilibrium (as are most of the 1/2 yr. states during the toddler years)... so he's probably going to be "crankier" than normal, not that I'm trying to excuse his behavior, but it's kind of like toddler PMS.. lot's of big feeling while they work through things developmentally.
I agree with pp. to remove yourself, but stay close by... let him know you won't let him hurt you, but you are there for him. Try to name his emotions (if you know what's causing it). Show him (when he's not aggressive) what things he can hit and kick (a pillow, etc). Try to find his triggers (if you can). Don't forget about HALT-P (hungry, angry, lonely, tired and have to potty). Lonely is becoming a big trigger for DS- especially going through a Daddy's boy phase now- he'd rather play with him, so it's tough when he leaves for work!
Third, I find DS needs sooo much more outside (read- big muscle) time than I am able to give him (it's still triple digits here in the afternoon). He loves banging on things especially tree branches. Do you have some pots or something he can bang on during the day (we have a wooden stick and a plastic coffee container). Also, jumping is helpful... if you don't care about him jumping on the couch or over pillows. If you can maybe (not easy when you are pg!) get some big muscle action going for him it might get some of that aggressiveness out...
Sorry, the baby woke up to nurse!
I also wanted to say that DS doesn't take distraction well, either, but if he randomly hits for fun, I can tell him to hit something appropriate (the coffee container). He usually tells me "no, I want to hit baby brudder". I tell him I won't let him hurt his brother, but if he wants to hit he can hit the coffee can. Then I grab the stick and start banging it and singing something silly. He more often than not joins in. So, I have usually have to show him more than just a verbal redirection (and make it fun).
Another thing (sorry I'm so long winded!).. there's a forum called Gentle Christian Mothers with a gentle discipline section. Even if you aren't a christian, it's got some awesome ideas, etc for gentle discipline from mama's who've been there, dealt with that! Hang in there... this too, shall pass!
Just a thought - but how is he hitting you in a time out? If he wants to interact with you (albeit in a negative way) then a time out needs to remove that which is rewarding him (hitting you). So you and he need to be in separate rooms. I'd put him in his own room and say that he cannot come out for a minute or two (long enough to cool down) and that he will go back in any time he hits you.
Talking to him is only a part of it, as toddlers are far, far, far from rational!
"Making him understand" isn't entirely realistic, if you mean that you're trying to make him understand that hurting people and hitting isn't ok. What he can understand at this point is engaging in a behavior that is unacceptable will result in consequences he doesn't like. (Maybe it's just being put in another room unless he's acting appropriately. Maybe it's taking away a favorite toy for the rest of the day. Maybe it's something else. It's better if it's closely related to the action he's doing, but I understand that doesn't work on all kids.)
We are going through a very similar situation in our home. DS is 2 years and 9 months old and started school in July and is obviously picking up some less than stellar anger management skills there.
DH can control him. If he starts kicking DH, he will just hold his legs firm and talk very sternly and DS stops. When he starts kicking me, it's relentless (and he does the laughing thing too - and nothing boils my blood more than him laughing at me while he's doing it).
So we have an automatic, no warnings issued rule now - if you kick anyone, you can't be around them anymore. I think he was put in his room at least 5 different times last night. His room is completely safe, and it's not a yelling / screaming / bad association punishment. It's just, "You kicked Mommy, so you can't play with Mommy right now."
Is it working? Doesn't seem like it. Like I said, we went through this exercise 5 times last night. But we are consistent and at the very least it stops him from kicking me in that moment and it gives me time to cool down when I really feel like I'm going to freak out and resort to spanking.
We had this problem. Time outs in a corner did not work (too many visual distractions and she would not stop screaming (even with the "time out doesn't start until you quiet down - she once screamed for 20 mins).
We cleaned out her room of anything entertaining and that was where she went for TO.
We also spent a lot of time working on her feelings during good times. Lots of talking about feelings and actions, both good and bad, BUT NEVER EVER in response to her fits.
If she was throwing fits to get attention, then we did not tie her special times with the fits.
I agree with TiffanyB... I think, yes, they can seem to get it (and some kids will develop it sooner than others), but I don't think it should be expected of them. I'm not about to leave my baby in the same room with DS1 because even if he understands "hurt" he's still going to hit DS2 if he gets the urge... so it means they aren't together unless I'm there. I know that it won't be that way forever. He will eventually learn that hitting hurts in a way that he won't want to hit because he doesn't want the other person to feel bad. Yes, they should be taught gentle hands and appropriate ways to deal with aggression... but it takes time and maturity. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
I think seeing it as more about the relationship with him and less about how he acts (because all we can do is teach, but we can't control), has helped me with DS1.
I agree that something has to change, but I notice when I try to "control" DS, it makes the behavior worse. I have to be proactive about things (which is much easier now than it was at 9 mo pg). Also, I do think it's normal behavior for a child to act "bad" if it gets a reaction. DS1 loved pushing over my nursing supply table because he knew it drove me bonkers. He just wouldn't stop doing it (even when I tried not to react other than "oops.. the table fell over. We need to pick it up."). Finally, I had to get rid of the table... and keep my nursing supplies out of his reach. But before that, I was less than gentle with him (not spanking, but rough with my words).
I just don't believe that you can control another person. Keep yourself and your child safe, yes. Keep him from hitting/biting/kicking.. probably not until he learns self-control, other ways to express himself and that comes through teaching the right way, and not so much focusing on the wrong way (IMO). One of the absolute hardest things for me to learn (and I've still got a long ways to go), is to control my own emotions/reaction. I had some pretty big emotions (and still do sometimes)... Me learning how to control myself a little better (and again not being so hormonal) has made a world of difference... but doesn't mean that DS isn't aggressive at times.
My own DS doesn't always want to make it better after he hurts someone. Sometimes he could care less... Does that mean he's going to be the school bully because he lacks empathy at 2.5? I don't know... I guess ask me in a few years! I just know that he's grown and changed a lot just in the last few months, and that makes me hopeful that focusing less on the behavior and more on the relationship is what I was missing at first. And, that he will become more mature with time. This isn't my quote, but when I read it, it stuck with me..."Kids who feel bad, act bad. Kids who feel good, act good." So, I don't think OP's kid is a bad kid... he's just going through a rough time (which is normal for everybody).
ITA - he may not understand the nuances of why hitting is bad, but he should and, seemingly does know at this point that it's not appropriate behavior.
Toddlers do act out physically - hitting/biting/etc but it sounds like this is a targeted act trying to get a response from Mom and Dad.
OP I think PP offered some solid suggestions - you need to separate yourself from LO. Behavior modification works best when rewarding behaviors you want, and ignoring (as best you can) behaviors you don't want. Because even negative attention - like yelling or spanking can "reward" inappropriate behavior if the child's goal is attention. So be sure you and H spend a lot of quality time with LO when he's acting appropriately.
Also, when LO is calm, ask him why he hits mommy and see what he says. Obviously he can't articulate well but it may offer some insights. And you can also try redirection - when he starts to get aggressive offer to let him run outside, or bang a pot/spoon or drum, or some other physical activity that he enjoys. He clearly has some deeper frustrations that are causing him to lash out, have you noticed any consistent things that trigger his response?
Is he napping/sleeping well? Eating well? Has there been a lot of talk about the new baby lately since you're close to your duedate? Perhaps he's starting to feel some angry/jealousy and even fear of losing your/H's love towards the new baby?
Thanks for all of the responses. Yesterday was the worst that I have seen my son act. His tantrum went on for about 45 minutes. We are in a complicated situation where we are living in a 1 bedroom apartment due to my husband being temporarily disabled for a few months. He is just starting a decent job and yesterday was his first day of work. I am sure not having his dad around is part of what triggered this major tantrum. He is normally a very kind and considerate child. As I mentioned in my original post, the hitting has only started in the last few weeks. I have tried placing him in the bedroom to keep us separated, but he would continue to come at me. Closing the door would only work if I stood behind it and held the door knob. The child safety locks for doors don't work with him because he knows how to rip them off.
At 2.5 my son is a very smart young man. He knows how to communicate well, he can tell me if he needs something. If he sees someone crying he will ask them if they are okay and offer hugs. If he sees that someone is hurt, he will offer them a band aid. This tells me that he does understand that things can hurt people. I think part of my frustration, is knowing that he is a smart kid and that he is choosing to act out in a way that he knows hurts me.
Last night when his dad came home we did try having DH give me the attention instead of DS, it did seem to work and he stopped after three different occurrences and went to sleep for the rest of the night. Today, with DH back to work I have a child gate that I am using to keep DS in the room when he tries to hit/kick me. He has had two short fits today, but I have placed him in the room and put up the gate. He will continue to hit and kick while I put it up, but afterwards he tells me he wants mommy, that he is sorry for kicking/hitting, that he knows "no hitting, no kicking, no pulling hair" (he pulled my hair while I put up the gate today as well). He will also scream that he wants to come out. Once it seems like he is actually calmed down and was not just saying it to get out, I let him out and try again. It seems to be working. The fits are at least getting shorter. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is something that will pass quickly.
Poison- It sounds like besides the addition of another LO, there are other stressors making it tough. I hope that the transition to 2 babies is smooth, but speaking from the other side of having a rough adjustment, it is survivable. It was probably the biggest growing pains that I've ever gone through, but it taught me a lot about myself and how I want to parent. And, when you see them dote on one another, it makes everything worthwhile!
This isn't the website I remember reading about the disequilibrium, but it does a good job summing it up https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/02/27/the-typical-ages-of-disequilibrium/
I love Fred's suggestion of a comfort corner!
Fred- I apologize for putting words in your mouth. I should've been playing with my toddler and not bumping, so I didn't think much before I responded! I still maintain that aggression is an age-appropriate response for a 2.5 y/o- especially one going through a big life change. He still is a baby in the grand scheme of life, so acting like a baby is o.k., in my books. Even if he/she seems very mature and is very articulate, doesn't mean that he/she's going to choose that route all the time or never revert back to babyish behaviors. Also, like other areas of development some 2.5 y/o's will be more mature than others or struggle less than others.
It is still my responsibilty to teach/model to DS kindness and gentleness and compassion, along with keeping him safe, but I can also afford him the grace that I want shown me when I mess up... and it's easier for me to keep myself grounded/gentle when I keep in mind that it is normal. I don't expect him to have self-control/remorse because I know that his emotional delevopment will take time, and in the mean time we try to get lots of appropriate hitting/kicking done during the day which helps
Okay, couple thoughts.....First of all, definitely do not resort to spanking! It sounds like he is trying to "punish you" for whatever is upsetting him, so you definitely don't want to reinforce that behavior. However, when you have tried time outs, do you accompany it with a boring lecture for the length of the time out to explain to him why he is there? A friend of mine found that very effective so that her daughter could understand what was going on, and it kept her daughter focused on why she was there.
Also, is it possible that he is just feeling very jealous of the new baby? If so, I kind of disagree with what other people are saying about isolating yourself when he starts hitting. Maybe it would help to sit him down and explain that just because he is getting a little brother or sister, that doesn't mean that you and your husband are going to love him any less. Maybe you can teach him ways to help out when the new baby comes, so that he can feel more valued?
Lastly, have you considered a behavior calendar? My parents did this with me and it was very effective. I was a really emotional kid (waaayyy past the age when it should have been acceptable), and so my parents taped a quarter on the calendar for each day that I was able to keep it together. That way I got a positive reward for each day of good behavior, and there was something about the visual achievement of an unbroken string of days that always made me feel especially proud
ITA my 2.5 year old has at least a basic understanding that when he hits someone it hurts. Or that when someone hits him it hurts. For us we do timeouts. I wasnt that "on board" with timeouts at all. BUT then I had a friend who just had a baby and her 2.5 year old was hitting the newborn. And I realized that we would have to nip this in the bud before my newborn arrives or I was afraid of what might happen. I cant imagine just sitting there and watching my toddler hit my newborn baby and just "talking it out" with him. So we started doing short timeouts in his room whenever he was hitting/kicking excessively (meaning he had one warning already about hitting and continued doing so). This has really helped with the hitting/kicking and he really doesnt do much of it anymore. He can tell you "we dont hit, hitting hurts."
I would say that you may want to take more direct action on this behavior before you have a newborn to exacerbate the issues.