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Intro and advice needed

ColesMommy0606ColesMommy0606
in Blended Families

Hi - I have never posted on this board but thought this would be a good place to get some advice regarding our situation.

DH  & I recently moved closer to family so our LOs could grow up with their cousins, aunts/uncles, and grandparents. In order to do this we sold our house and moved in with DH's parents. DH's brother, brother's wife, and two kids also live her. It's a large house and we all have our areas and own bathrooms so initially we felt like this was the best place to live until DH's job gave him a permanent location.

Flash forward six months and we are really struggling with creating boundaries. The living situation has almost created a group parenting approach, which is not our intention.

How do you create boundaries and keep them with out hurting feelings or daily arguments?  I am alone a lot with the ILs because DH is a restaurant manager and has varying hours so this is really difficult for me. I either say nothing or I end up exploding. 

Thank you.  

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Re: Intro and advice needed

  • SusanH.SusanH. member
    thats wayyyy to close for comfort. Move out to your own place. 
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    Move out. 
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  • WahooWahoo member

    Move out!!!

    If that is TRULY not an option, first talk with your H.  Make sure he will back you up on any decision you will make.  Then THE TWO of you need to address this together the next time someone tries to "parent" your LO.  Such as "mom (or sis, or BIL), WE will be the ones handling discipline for LO.  We don't attempt to parent your children, and we ask that you not try to parent ours." 

    I must say, in someone else's home, and around other children, this is difficult.  For example, while you have the "authority" over your child, your MIL/FIL has the right to have your LO....quiet in their home, not damage the furniture in their home, ask that LO pick up the toys in their home.  Your BIL/SIL have a right to ask that your LO....be quiet when their kids are napping, not play with their children's toys, not fight with their children, etc.

    For things like...what LO eats and when, bathtime and bed routines, etc. - you can absolutely make it YOUR rules, but when you are in a group home, you have to get used to some group norms. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • ColesMommy0606ColesMommy0606
    imageWahoo:

    Move out!!!

    If that is TRULY not an option, first talk with your H.  Make sure he will back you up on any decision you will make.  Then THE TWO of you need to address this together the next time someone tries to "parent" your LO.  Such as "mom (or sis, or BIL), WE will be the ones handling discipline for LO.  We don't attempt to parent your children, and we ask that you not try to parent ours." 

    I must say, in someone else's home, and around other children, this is difficult.  For example, while you have the "authority" over your child, your MIL/FIL has the right to have your LO....quiet in their home, not damage the furniture in their home, ask that LO pick up the toys in their home.  Your BIL/SIL have a right to ask that your LO....be quiet when their kids are napping, not play with their children's toys, not fight with their children, etc.

    For things like...what LO eats and when, bathtime and bed routines, etc. - you can absolutely make it YOUR rules, but when you are in a group home, you have to get used to some group norms. 

    Thank you, this is helpful advice. BIL/SIL's parenting style is very different than ours, as in they don't really parent and we do. We recently decided that we will not get involved at all (when ever possible) in situations that don't directly effect us. For example, DS is not allowed to have soda and my SIL doesn't allow her DD to have soda either but my FIL gives it to my niece anyway. Although this does indirectly effect me because my niece will stay up until 10 or 11 PM screaming while my DS is trying to sleep in the next room, since my FIL is not giving my DS soda so I just stay out of it. 

    We try our best to contain all toys to DS' room or the playroom in the basement, we put everything away immediately when we get home (bags, shoes, lunch bag, etc). Yet, the arguments start when FIL/MIL question why DS can't eat this or can't play with that. I feel like it's our child (DH & I) so it's our rules.   

    As for group norms, we have a routine/schedule that we try to adhere to and my BIL/SIL have none. This is where a lot of the conflict arises as well.  

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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    Been there done that.  First off you need your own place.  Secondly once you do that you need to get your H onboard with helping to set boundries.  I used to live right next to my FILs.  They were always popping in all day long to see my son and my ex didn't see any problem with it.  And anytime we went somewhere his mom was constantly hovering around my son acting like she was the mother.  It was torture.  Ultimately our relationship ended for a lot of reasons and his idea of family with no boundries was one reason.  I think if you purposely moved that close to your inlaws you need to accept that this situation automatically creates a child being raised by the village rather than just mom and dad.  And you know what?  That's ok.  That is how a lot of cultures live.  Just pick your battles and know that your IL's love your children as much as you do and you all want the best for them.  If your glass is half full you will realize that you are blessed to have loving family nearby to be a support system for you. 
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