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BM pisses me off! Really long, sorry.

Jbosarge85Jbosarge85 member
in Blended Families

So we have SS Friday-Sunday usually. Last week she called on Thursday and asked if we wanted him a day early since he had Friday off school (it was like teacher prep day or something). So we said of course well she shows up 30 min later with not only my SS but also her daughter from a different relationship with her bag packed and asks then "Oh, it's ok that she stays the night tonight to right?" Didn't even ask before but here this little girl with her bag already packed so we said it was fine. Well, she stays the night ends up wetting the bed (she's 10) so I found that a little weird but again whatever, BM picks up her daughter Friday afternoon.

   SS's birthday was the Wednesday before so we have a birthday party for him on Saturday. His mom told us she's going to pick him up Sunday morning for his birthday party that she's throwing him, he talked about it all weekend and was so excited. So she knows we go to church and at what time so I text her and ask when she's picking him up and remind her when we are leaving my husband also calls her about 30 min later when she still hasn't answered because we have to leave soon. Well, no response so we all go to church, so in the middle of church she calls and leaves a message saying, "The party will be tomorrow now and I need you to keep him another day." (he had Mon off for Labor day) I don't mind keeping him another day I love spending time with him, but I'm looking for a job once I get one we can't have her just no notice saying keep him another day, and I knew he'd be upset about the party. So I made DH call her and make her tell SS that his birthday party was canceled til the next day (I refused to be the "bad guy" in his eyes) He's 8 and the whole day talked about how his mom broke his heart I felt so bad for him.

 Then after she picks him up she starts texting us basically accusing us of being bad parents, because he said we were "mean to him". We're trying to teach him to say please and thank you, so sometimes we wouldn't give him what he had asked for till he said that. To an 8 year old it probably seemed mean, but it's teaching manners. And we also had him take a bath and brush his teeth which he threw a fit about and said "I don't do that at home". So that probably seemed mean too, we never hit him or anything, the worse we may do is put him in time out but that's when he's hitting or doing something bad. So irritated sorry so long. 

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Re: BM pisses me off! Really long, sorry.

  • KaeldrasmommyKaeldrasmommy member
    That sounds really irritating. Most of it sounds like something that can be managed, but I would put a stop to this whole you keeping her other child thing very quickly.
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  • WahooWahoo member

    Your DH needs to communicate with BM that his time with SS/his son is meant to be time for them to spend together, not time for him to babysit her child from another relationship. 

    Also, you need to be direct with your H: "I love spending time with SS.  However, if we end up watching him because BM doesn't pick him up, YOU need to be the one to re-arrange your schedule."

    As far as the text about "you are being mean...." I would ignore her.  What goes on in your house is your business.  She doesn't get to dictate her son's father's parenting style. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member

    imageKaeldrasmommy:
    That sounds really irritating. Most of it sounds like something that can be managed, but I would put a stop to this whole you keeping her other child thing very quickly.

    This.  To be honest, I find it really really strange that she would drop her other child off with you and your husband for the night.  Maybe you all share a better relationship then we have with the BM in our situation, but I could never imagine dropping my child off with K at BM's. 

    I know people are going to tell you that you should be happy for the extra time with SS, but let's be realistic.  Yes, having him an extra day here and there is awesome.  But it's not awesome for SS (or you and your husband) when the original plan is for him to be picked up on a certain day and then at the very last second the plans get changed.  Especially when he's really looking forward to something at BM's.  Obviously you cannot force BM to pick SS up on time, but your husband can drop SS off.  Maybe change the schedule around so that BM drops him off with you, and then you drop him off with BM.  That poor kid needs some consistency and he needs to know when he can depend on his mother.  When/if you start working, you cannot let her flakiness impact your employment. Having to suddenly take a day off to be home with SS is not going to go over well with new employers. 

    As for BM claiming that SS complained you guys were mean to him: ignore it.  Seems like she's grasping at straws to make it look like you and your husband are the bad ones and not her.  She disappointed her son and then looked to deflect his anger from her.

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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    imagejobalchak:

    imageKaeldrasmommy:
    That sounds really irritating. Most of it sounds like something that can be managed, but I would put a stop to this whole you keeping her other child thing very quickly.

    This.  To be honest, I find it really really strange that she would drop her other child off with you and your husband for the night.  Maybe you all share a better relationship then we have with the BM in our situation, but I could never imagine dropping my child off with K at BM's. 

    I know people are going to tell you that you should be happy for the extra time with SS, but let's be realistic.  Yes, having him an extra day here and there is awesome.  But it's not awesome for SS (or you and your husband) when the original plan is for him to be picked up on a certain day and then at the very last second the plans get changed.  Especially when he's really looking forward to something at BM's.  Obviously you cannot force BM to pick SS up on time, but your husband can drop SS off.  Maybe change the schedule around so that BM drops him off with you, and then you drop him off with BM.  That poor kid needs some consistency and he needs to know when he can depend on his mother.  When/if you start working, you cannot let her flakiness impact your employment. Having to suddenly take a day off to be home with SS is not going to go over well with new employers. 

    As for BM claiming that SS complained you guys were mean to him: ignore it.  Seems like she's grasping at straws to make it look like you and your husband are the bad ones and not her.  She disappointed her son and then looked to deflect his anger from her.

    This, especially the bold.

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I just wanted to point out "the girl" is SS' sister, I definitely find it weird and wrong that she would drop off the sister without asking but just wanted to make sure that she is always referred to as his sister. I do find it great she would trust you with her other kid and if you wanted to do It for SS it would be great to show him that his fMily is blended no. Broken but certainly it should not be forced on you. And kudos for not making a stink in front of the kids and making his sister feel bad.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

     I tried searching your past posts to see if you posted before so I could have some background before I answered but instead I saw a post from 2nd Tri earlier this week where you mentioned that you SS is autistic and that your 17 yo SIL cornered him and was hitting him with 2  toy golf clubs. Maybe that is what he was trying to convey to BM about you all being mean, meaning the people at your house since you live with your ILs. I know I would be pretty upset with you too if that happened to my child at your house.

    And obviously there is more to the story with BM dropping your SS's older sister off at your house. Could it have been because your DH was her SF at one time? Or because your ILs whom you live with were her grandparents or treated as such? I'm guessing so since she's older than your SS.

    I think your best bet is to make sure if your DH is not wanting a relationship with SS's sister anymore than to make that clear to BM and your ILs and if that's not the case then you need to step back because that is his decision. Also moving out of that environment would be a priority.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    imagegin9874:

     I tried searching your past posts to see if you posted before so I could have some background before I answered but instead I saw a post from 2nd Tri earlier this week where you mentioned that you SS is autistic and that your 17 yo SIL cornered him and was hitting him with 2  toy golf clubs. Maybe that is what he was trying to convey to BM about you all being mean, meaning the people at your house since you live with your ILs. I know I would be pretty upset with you too if that happened to my child at your house.

    And obviously there is more to the story with BM dropping your SS's older sister off at your house. Could it have been because your DH was her SF at one time? Or because your ILs whom you live with were her grandparents or treated as such? I'm guessing so since she's older than your SS.

    I think your best bet is to make sure if your DH is not wanting a relationship with SS's sister anymore than to make that clear to BM and your ILs and if that's not the case then you need to step back because that is his decision. Also moving out of that environment would be a priority.

    Not necessarily the case.  My DH is no relation, biological or blended, to BMs kids other than my SD.  But She drops her kids off at our house occasionally.  Although she has never shown up with a packed bag for one of them without asking first.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • Jbosarge85Jbosarge85 member
    imagegin9874:

     I tried searching your past posts to see if you posted before so I could have some background before I answered but instead I saw a post from 2nd Tri earlier this week where you mentioned that you SS is autistic and that your 17 yo SIL cornered him and was hitting him with 2  toy golf clubs. Maybe that is what he was trying to convey to BM about you all being mean, meaning the people at your house since you live with your ILs. I know I would be pretty upset with you too if that happened to my child at your house.

    And obviously there is more to the story with BM dropping your SS's older sister off at your house. Could it have been because your DH was her SF at one time? Or because your ILs whom you live with were her grandparents or treated as such? I'm guessing so since she's older than your SS.

    I think your best bet is to make sure if your DH is not wanting a relationship with SS's sister anymore than to make that clear to BM and your ILs and if that's not the case then you need to step back because that is his decision. Also moving out of that environment would be a priority.

    He was never her Stepfather. And I agree needing to get out of the house, we're trying, we were almost there, we had enough money saved up and then I lost my job. So it's been difficult. But she was saying that we were yelling at him, we don't yell at him, when he does things wrong we talk to him about it because of him being autistic, and sometimes he gets put in time out. And she wasn't sounding concerned it really sounded like she was trying to nitpick and make it sound like we aren't fit parents. DH wasn't very happy with SS's sister being dropped on us, but when she's standing there with all of her stuff in hand it's a bit difficult to say "nope, take her with you when you go". I was more irritated that she didn't even ask, and she is known to go out partying and getting drunk, so I think that's the main reason she dropped her on us (her grandfather usually watches her but he was working). It's just frustrating because she's irresponsible and acts like a teenager most of the time (BM does).

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