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3rd Trimester
DH doesn't understand :/ (long)
Lately, I have absolutely no energy. I'm 39 weeks and I lay around a lot and mope about being sick of being pregnant because of how uncomfortable I am and with the BH, nausea, and constant backache how miserable I am..
I still walk my DS to school 3 days of the week when DH works the day shift (he has something of a rotating work schedule..) I also still do the laundry before DH runs out of clean socks and underwear, for the most part. I just have no energy!! I want to sleep all day long and we have this awful dark green short carpet throughout our house that looks filthy within hours of vacuuming..!!
Some days when my husband gets home from work, which is hard work, I know.. he walks in looks around and sighs and proceeds to stomp around grumpily straightening up, does the dishes if I left any in the sink (some days I do some days I don't) and then showers and sits down all the while not acknowledging me or anything. I always ask how his day went which he replies to with a snappy fine, frustrating, whatever, etc..
I'm probably taking it personally, and he probably is frustrated, but maybe not necessarily with me.. He will ask me to clean things when he wants me to and I feel shameful as a housewife that he even has to ask!! But then I feel the need to defend myself and try to explain how exhausted I am, to which he usually replies reluctantly, I know, it's fine. It sure doesn't seem like that though!!
I really just have so little energy that by the time I get my 5 yo down for bed I'm collapsing on the couch, if I even make it that far!
I just feel like he could be more understanding of where I'm at right now with just a week left before EDD and a 5 yo to keep after..
He has told me he doesn't like to hear how I don't want to be pregnant anymore and how I just want our baby girl here already because it makes him feel bad that he can't do anything for me.. He really is kind and loving.. so I have tried to slow down on my complaining to him and kept it to my mom and girlfriends, but then I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through! UGH!
Am I over-reacting and being over-emotional? Feeling a little lost people.
I still walk my DS to school 3 days of the week when DH works the day shift (he has something of a rotating work schedule..) I also still do the laundry before DH runs out of clean socks and underwear, for the most part. I just have no energy!! I want to sleep all day long and we have this awful dark green short carpet throughout our house that looks filthy within hours of vacuuming..!!
Some days when my husband gets home from work, which is hard work, I know.. he walks in looks around and sighs and proceeds to stomp around grumpily straightening up, does the dishes if I left any in the sink (some days I do some days I don't) and then showers and sits down all the while not acknowledging me or anything. I always ask how his day went which he replies to with a snappy fine, frustrating, whatever, etc..
I'm probably taking it personally, and he probably is frustrated, but maybe not necessarily with me.. He will ask me to clean things when he wants me to and I feel shameful as a housewife that he even has to ask!! But then I feel the need to defend myself and try to explain how exhausted I am, to which he usually replies reluctantly, I know, it's fine. It sure doesn't seem like that though!!
I really just have so little energy that by the time I get my 5 yo down for bed I'm collapsing on the couch, if I even make it that far!
I just feel like he could be more understanding of where I'm at right now with just a week left before EDD and a 5 yo to keep after..
He has told me he doesn't like to hear how I don't want to be pregnant anymore and how I just want our baby girl here already because it makes him feel bad that he can't do anything for me.. He really is kind and loving.. so I have tried to slow down on my complaining to him and kept it to my mom and girlfriends, but then I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through! UGH!
Am I over-reacting and being over-emotional? Feeling a little lost people.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH doesn't understand :/ (long)
I get it, and I try to stay active, but I guess I would rather go for a walk than clean as of late.. I have had the 2 weeks of irregular contractions and DD digging into my ribs, hipbones, cervix, and just overall feeling huge in there! Not to mention the lovely lightening bolts that shoot down my right leg at least every other day because she is elbowing a nerve or something.. I have been feeling extra sorry for myself, maybe I should just be grateful, most women miss they're pregnancies once they're over, right?
It's just such a stark difference from my pregnancy with DS, where it was all sunshine and rainbows until I was holding the little dude in my arms..
I would try to have a good attitude I also was much more puppies and rainbows with DD than now but tell him that you try to do as much as you can but that he needs to be understanding if things aren't 100 perfect. My line is sanitary. Dirty carpets are not a priority until the ants show up :
Good luck.
I guess I have a slightly different take. If you are sitting around moping because baby isn't here, then yeah, okay you need to suck it up.
However, your DH needs to either not care that the house is messy, or help happily. Sorry but I'm only 33 weeks and I'm trash. Chasing after a two year old is more than enough. I do the best I can do to stay on top of the obvious (dishes, laundry, etc) but its hard. I hurt, I contract, I'm exhausted... I was trying to suck it up and it was making me crazy. After two nights in a row of having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night that kept me up for two hours, I finally broke down and talked to DH. I admitted I just can't do it and need help. We can talk about what works for both of us, but he has to understand.
FWIW I also think it is important to differentiate between a SAHW and a SAHM. My "job" is to care for my child. Anything I accomplish around the house beyond that is a bonus. If I stayed home and there wasn't a kid to care for, then yes, those hours should go to other things, but its a balance. And frankly, even within that, in my last week of pregnancy I would be off duty anyhow. If you had a "real" job, you would be out on maternity leave right now. No one would be expecting anything of you but rest until your baby came... Just saying...
I have talked about it with him before and I think it's just an adjustment period for us both right now. I have also recently begun incorporating chores for DS. sweeping the kitchen, helping with laundry and the like.. Maybe I just needed to whine about it a bit to some other mommies.
This I believe has been a fundamental idea for me to keep in mind. Thanks for reminding me
I think your husband needs an attitude adjustment. You are obviously more than willing to try to do your part and really make an effort, even though you are exhausted. He sounds like a whiny overgrown baby. Don't brush off his comments, let him know that they hurt! You two need to have a good talk. I hope he will listen to you and consider your very valid feelings.
Ok, at first I thought you were being a little sensitive, but "you didn't make any meat to go with this pasta?" Really? If my husband said anything like that to me it would not go over well at all, and he knows it. He would likely end up wering his dinner. If he wanted something else, he can make it his darn self. "Thank you for making dinner, honey" is the only acceptable thing to say. Don't take crap from him just cuz he's grumpy. Ugh, men.
That said, in an attempt to make you feel like you're getting stuff done, here's what's working for me:
I made a magnetic board of stuff that needs to be done every day of the week. Just basic daily chores. I split them up so that I only have a few to do a day. Anything that doesn't get done can get moved to a different day, or DH can do. Our understanding is that some days I can do more than other days, and some tasks I will slowly not be able to handle as I get further along. I can be in charge of knowing what's been done, but if there's something I can't handle, I'm supposed to ask him for help. Before I stopped working we had a lot of the same issues you have been having, with him stomping around annoyed that he had to do everything, and me upset because I just didn't have it in me to do anything else.
I would try to not complain so much. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't good for you or anyone around you. Instead of all that negativity, and I KNOW how uncomfortable you are, when you start to feel like that, make yourself think of something you're excited about, or one aspect of pregnancy you're enjoying (feeling her move, the stretch of no period, how nice people are to pregnant women, etc).
I think you and your H ARE in a period of some adjustment, and I think maybe together you guys need to take on a whole new attitude about how things are going in your house. It sounds like you guys are having some major communication breakdown, and that needs to be handled before your daughter arrives if you want to be able to operate as an efficient team.
Hope you feel better!
I don't think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to spend a half hour to an hour a day cleaning up the house, even at 39 weeks pregnant, especially if you are a stay at home mom.
[MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]
I'm right there with you. I cooked half of my husband's dinner, last night, then gave up and e-mailed him instructions to finish it. I was a hot mess, yesterday. Our night ended with me shouting, "I'm struggling here, man. I'm really struggling."
Just try to push through it and do what you can. Things will get back to normal, eventually.
He needs to adjust his expectations big time. When your LO gets here the house will probably get much worse for a while! As a STM I'm sure you remember what it's like to finish the day covered in baby barf with piles of dirty laundry and dishes all over the place.
Take care of yourself and tell him to deal. This is a short period in your life and the housework can wait. And after your LO arrives, post this poem on the fridge:
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I?ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I?m rocking my baby and babies don?t keep.
Are you a stay at home mom? As a SAHM of a very challenging 3 year old, I don't much like you comment about spending a half hour a day cleaning especially because you're a stay at home mom. Do you think moms who stay home are lazy? I clean our house once a week, I don't think I need to clean 30 minutes every day just because I stay at home. Also, no one knows exactly how OP physically feels. Maybe she is having more aches and pains than you. Unless we're in her body and feeling exactly what she's feeling, you just don't really know.
Lizal, unclench. No one said that stay at home moms are lazy, and I have no idea where you could infer that from what I said.
However, I'm not going to jump on the "your husband needs to understaaaaaand" band wagon either. It doesn't sound like he's expecting her to deep clean the house, ffs. Putting away the dishes and generally straightening up shouldn't take more than a few minutes/half hour.
This. It helps me SOO much to make a list and be able to cross things off! I even put down stuff I already did that day to make me feel better! I would recommend making a short list daily, that way you don't have one long list of chores to do for the week, which could seem intimidating. But whatever works for you.
Whoever posted the poem, my MIL has that framed in her bathroom and I have always loved it! I have actually been trying to remember to call her and make sure I had the wording right in my head, because I was wanting to make one for my house. Funny thing is, my MIL and DH are about the most anal clean freaks I know. LOL, maybe this was her reminder to chill out...
I completely agree. I guess I needed a few reminders that it isn't ok to just wander around aimlessly whining about my current state of being. I noticed that just the past two days since I posted this, I have been complaining less, still feeling as miserable as ever but not voicing it so much especially to DH and I do feel some better.
I did have my mom come visit last night and she is the biggest fan of my husband, so I talked to her a bit and she played a little devil's advocate and pointed out that she did the SAHM thing for 25+ years and some times, the clean laundry stayed on the couch for nearly a week while everyone rifled through it for the things they needed and my dad just had to suck it up sometimes because being a full time SAHM is HARD, and without any help from DH, we are given the responsibility of deciding what we can and can't do on any given day. She also reminded me that it's not a get out of jail free card, and that sometimes we need to suck it up and drag our asses off the couch after putting the littles to bed and do the darn dishes. Keeping our home clean is more than just for his satisfaction, it's for our own sense of well-being too.. Love that woman.
Also, watching Criminal Minds whilst folding clothes is a staple for me, thanks for the suggestion
Anywho. Have you had a sit down talk with DH about how you're feeling? I went through this with mine during my first TM when I had awful morning sickness. The idea of helping never even occurred to him until I asked, and even then he didn't think it was really as bad as I was saying. Finally I explained to him literally how I felt hungover 24/7 and he got it and eased up.
But, I did have to acknowledge that, once the kiddies start to enter the picture, the only sick days I'll have for the most part are when they're sick. Just keep in mind how much more will be on your plate once the baby gets here and try to get in the habit of 30 minutes a day now. Maybe sweep/vacuum and do a couple of loads of laundry one day, dust and do some more laundry the next day, etc. That's what I've been trying to do. Make a schedule for yourself to make it easier on both you and DH if he's helping out.
It's hard when you're feeling so crappy, but I think part of what's upsetting you or at least this is how I'd feel is that you know these things need to be done and want to get them done, but your discomfort and fatigue are making it hard. Just remember how much better you'll feel when you see a clean kitchen or all the laundry done or whatever.
Also, is the carpet an area rug or wall to wall? If its area, maybe replace it because that is super annoying and will likely only get worse the more kids you have.
GL!
This exactly. I want to have it all done, I just have a hard time getting to it. I do have one day of the week where I get all the laundry done, and one day I dedicate to sweeping and scrubbing the kitchen and the laundry room floors (yes only one day of scrubbing).
It's wall to wall carpeting : / I have to vacuum daily, or ideally twice a day, but not likely. My girlfriend stopped by for a bit last night and I was talking about the carpet which she mentioned looked like it could use a once over.. I had just vacuumed it not 2 hours before that. I told her this and she just sighed and shook her head. Not ideal carpets for kids, but we will have to work on getting them replaced with our landlord. It's not like it's filthy, it just looks like it very quickly!! Especially with a 5 yo boy in and out of the house.. I think I'll start enforcing a shoes off at the door rule from here on out. DD is almost here anyway and will be needing her fair share of tummy time too.
I think this says it all: "your DH needs to either not care that the house is messy, or help happily"
Life is too short to be pissy about housework; pregnancy is exhausting and the next few months are just about survival. Men have no clue how hard this is, they just don't. If he is 'expressing' himself when he gets home tonight just ask him : is there a problem?
Finally, if he doesn't like to hear about how pregnancy is affecting you then he shouldn't have gotten you pregnant. I'm sorry. that is just how i feel.
Yeah, I have told him this one before, "Hey, you wanted this just like I did, so now you get to deal with it, sorta like I do except not even close."
I will definitely be having another conversation with him soon about both our expectations for the next coming months and whether or not his are realistic. I did already mention to him one time that for the first month/month-and-a-half/or so he should not expect the laundry to be done all the time, nor the dishes to be clean and put away unless he is doing it himself. Vacuuming, maybe I will do as often, but only because I remember how soothing it was for DS, but if DD doesn't like it, then that goes in the same category! I will do it when I can if I can and you will have to be ok with the mess or do your part to keep the house up too.
Thanks ladies.
Yeah, he did haha. It was wonderfully aromatic too.
I felt a little guilty, but then thought, what the hell? I made a delicious pasta dinner when all I wanted to do was order a pizza! He can suck it the hell up and cook his own damn chicken! And best believe the good sir did.
LOL the meat vs no meat argument was a constant in our house--DH didn't get that a vegetarian meal is, um, still a meal
He's finally relented (after my delish vodka sauce and lentil soup recipes won him over lol--plus a strongly worded "If I'm doing a household chore you don't get to nitpick it" conversation). For us it wasn't about work put in but the fact that he really did grow up with this "meat and potatoes" notion of meals--that a meal without meat is just weird.