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Stupid me doing stupid things to torture myself again.

Roxycc55Roxycc55 member
in TTC After a Loss
I just had the *wonderful* idea to go and look at my online health records. And see all of my Dr. Appt notes from each appt for my pregnancy. Including the last one where there are three, the first appt, the ultrasound where it lists "no fetal heart tones heard." And the third, which states "missed abortion." WORST TERM EVER. I know it's called that when it's missed and the baby has stopped growing, which Arabella was measuring a little behind so this is I guess the technical term for some F*UCKED up reason. UGH. WTF. And why did I decide to do that? Because I'm clearly massochistic. Oh, and in my general history it just says "monitoring first normal pregnancy." Not so much guys, thanks.


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"As long as I live you will live. As long as I live you will be loved."

BFP#1 3/31/12 EDD 12/1/12,No HB 6/6/12 (14 weeks 4 days), D&C 6/11/12 (15 weeks 2 days)*Arabella Ann*

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

 

BFP#2 5/21/14 EDD 1/27/15 *GROW BABY GROW*

 
 


 

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Re: Stupid me doing stupid things to torture myself again.

  • BootsOrHeartsBootsOrHearts member
    I think it's ok to do that kind of thing every now and then. A couple times I've gone through Harrison's memory box and looked at his pictures and footprints and little hat and I bawled my eyes out but it was kind of healing in a way. Big hugs.
    **Warning: Losses and living child mentioned**
    BFP#1 1/31/12, EDD 10/6/12 Harrison Gray born sleeping @ 18w6d. You changed our lives little guy.
    BFP#2 EDD 10/29/13, C/P 2/25/13, Bye little Ish, we barely got to know you.
    BFP#3 EDD 12/21/13, Baby Boots born 11/23/13 My rainbow baby!
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    January PAL Siggy Challenge: Good Advice
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  • delinodelino member

    Don't do that!  I've done something similar a few times and it just doesn't end well.  (((HUGS)))

    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • pinkleopard11pinkleopard11 member
    So sorry. I did the same thing last week, and it hurt seeing those words.. every single one of them. Big hugs.
    TTC #1 since April 2011

    BFP #1: June 7, 2012 -- EDD 2/15/13 -- MMC 8/13/12 (stopped growing at 11w) -- D&C 8/17/12

    BFP #2: November 10, 2012 -- EDD 7/22/13 -- Hudson Reid

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  • Kellmp923Kellmp923 member

    Ugh, my OB submitted a bill to my insurance under the same coding. Worst terminology, ever. Also, the hospital submitted a bill called 'Maternity - No Delivery' for my D&C. Thanks guys, losing my baby wasn't enough, you have to be insensitive when I receive the bill too? 

    (((hugs))) 

    imageCafeMom Tickers BFP#1 6/12/12 EDD 2/11/13 M/MC 8/1/12 D&C 8/6/12 BFP #2 2/14/13 EDD 10/28/13
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  • misternmissmisternmiss member
    So sorry, Roxy.

    I, too, was visited by the Bad Decisions Fairy today. I did the same thing, glancing at my online medical history. Way at the bottom under OB history, in a little chart that didn't make much sense to me, I saw "Abortion" and then the number 2 beneath. It did not sit well with me.

    Could I somehow make a full time job of fixing all of the stupid, hurtful things the medical world puts us Loss Ladies through during the most difficult times of our lives?!?!

    Hugs to you!
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  • rlajamberlajambe member

    Let me guess, you have an older doctor, don't you?  Many of the younger docs use the word m/c, but the oldies don't consider the impact of the a-word on your chart (or insurance billing).

    Looking at your chart will stir-up those emotions, regardless.  It's like your former BMB, just stay away.  It will not do much good and it opens up so much.

    {{hugs}}

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

    imageimage
    BFP #1 - 01/12/12, EDD 09/12/12, Medical Induction @ 21 weeks 05/03/12
    BFP #2 - 10/30/12, EDD 07/04/13, Natural m/c @ 5 weeks 11/01/12
    BFP #3 - 02/07/13, EDD 10/12/13
    Dx: Incompotent Cervix

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • AudUyAudUy

    I guess we all end up torturing ourselves at some point. I had the opportunity to read the ultrasound report from when the appointment with no heartbeat and I then tried to imagine what it all could mean. Of course, I assumed the worse. Oh, the things we do to ourselves.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better and letting the medical jargon fall from your mind. 

    BFP#1 11/25/11 EDD 08/09/12 MMC 01/30/12 D&C 02/01/12
    BFP#2 09/11/12 beta1=72 @13dpo beta2=160 @14dpo beta3=over 6000 @24dpo U/S @7w2dd hb=146bpm U/S @8w5d hb=159bpm U/S @12w hb=164bpm
    EDD 05/20/13
    My Ovulation Chart
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  • RedPhoenix625RedPhoenix625
    When we were collecting our records to bring for our second opinion in July, I had one of these moments as I looked through them.  I never had anything on my chart like what you saw (I hate that term!) because I never made it to an u/s, but just seeing the falling beta reports, and the doctor's notes on my RPL...it was hard.  I still look through them once in a while, like I'm going to catch something my doctors haven't :/

    I also have a box with my 5 positive pee-sticks in it that I open and just look at once in a while.  Maybe that's gross, but that's the only physical reminder or proof that my 5 babies ever existed.  I think looking through my records is kind of the same thing - it's a way for me to feel connected to them.

    Block that one term from your memory, but do what you need to do to grieve and feel connected to your baby.  (((HUGS)))
    PAIF/SAIF, PGAL/PAL welcome.
    TTC since March 2010 ~ Dx Unexplained IF September 2011
    2011: IUI + Clomid = CP#1
    2012: 3 more IUIs + Clomid = 3 more CPs. One on-our-own pg, also CP
    2013: BTB IUI + Lupron/Follistim/Prometrium/PIO = CP #6
    IF testing, RPL testing, Autoimmune testing = all normal
    So lost.
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