Intro - Pregnant after Stillborn (LONG)

AlishaPreggo2012 · September 2012

My name is Alisha and I am 29 years old. I have been putting off writing this for 2 months now. Be warned, this is a long story...

My husband, Ryan and I have been together since 2001. We always said in the beginning that we wanted to wait until we had our own home and were financially secure before having children. After a few years, I decided that my biological clock just wasn't going to stand for a lengthy wait. Alas, Ryan stuck to his guns. And since I did not want to force him into fatherhood before he felt ready, I waited...and waited...and waited some more.

My father had always asked us not to wait too long, as he wanted to meet his grandchildren. Sadly, on Friday the 13th of May 2011, we lost him very suddenly. He left that morning joking that it was bound to be a bad day because of the date. 2 hours later, he had a fatal heart attack while driving.

It was the first time I'd ever felt that level of sorrow and pain... But a week after my father's death, Ryan made it known (rather unexpectedly) that he wanted to try to conceive. He said that he had always thought, "there's plenty of time!" but he hadn't taken into account that our loved ones might not be around to be a part of our children's lives. Despite the heart-wrenching grief and strain of making my father's final arrangements while holding my family together, behind closed doors, I was privately elated that I would finally get to be a mother.

By October, we were 6 cycles into TTC with no luck. Then, tragedy struck our family again. On October 13, 2011, my sister passed away at 35 years old from an infection caused by kidney stones. We were all in complete shock when we got the call. We didn't believe it could be true. I truly was convinced without a doubt that it was a sick, cruel joke. I was furious. I actually went to the hospital morgue and verified that it was really her. It was the only way I would believe it. For months afterward, every time I closed my eyes, I would see her lying on that gurney...

Again I went through the process of making the final arrangements for an immediate family member while being a rock for the rest of the family to cling to. I was completely numb and in awe of how messed up it was that the funeral director was on my cell phone's speed dial.

December 13, 2011 came. I wasn't even late for my period that morning, didn't have any symptoms, but something told me to take that test. It was positive!!!! After losing two family members on a 13th, this time, I was gaining one! Ryan couldn't stop grinning. He told everyone. My mother was overjoyed. There was hope and happiness in our lives again.

But to be perfectly honest, a tiny part of me had an overwhelming sense of dread right from the start. My heart was bursting with joy... But bad things come in 3's. The number 13 had already brought me death twice in a period of 5 months. I told myself in the moments of fear that, if we lost the baby, I would try to take comfort knowing that my Dad finally got to be a Grandpa in heaven.

Despite my fears, the pregnancy and growth of our son, Riley, were perfect. He was suuuch a kicker. Always moving, doing flips and wiggling all over the place. It was a blast to watch on the ultrasounds. Because of his activity level, we got to see him for two separate anatomy scans (it's tough to photograph a baby in constant motion.) And when they tried to find out his sex the first time, he put both hands between his legs to cover up.

We moved to Florida. We bought a house. We painted and decorated the nursery. Ryan even put up wainscoting. All we had left was to wait for Riley to arrive. I talked to him every day. I played music for him. I told him how much I loved him and how much everyone loved and wanted to meet him. I posted every ultrasound picture and monthly photo updates of my bump on Facebook for my family. I took my vitamins religiously throughout the entire pregnancy and double-checked everything to ensure it was safe. Food, paints, activities, etc. had to get the all-clear before I would go near them.

By 32 weeks, I noticed that my stomach was getting very big, very fast. Suddenly, in the course of a few days, my entire stomach from my belly button down was covered in stretch marks. I told myself it was normal, as that's around the time babies start packing on the pounds... But I already looked like I was past my due date. I checked my fundal height and was alarmed to find that it was 41. I went to my midwife appointment the next morning and asked if they would send me for another ultrasound. Seeing how far ahead I was measuring, they sent me straight out the door for one.

My amniotic fluid was double what it was supposed to be and Riley had asymmetrical growth restriction (his head was measuring large, his body was measuring small). I felt so terrified. Only a month earlier, he had been measuring perfectly.

Because of my insurance, my care was immediately transferred to a high risk doctor at a local hospital. I couldn't choose where I would go. It took them 5 days to even get me in for an appointment, despite my midwife calling them daily stressing that it was urgent that I be seen. When I finally got the appointment, they told me they would schedule me for an ultrasound...6 days later!!!

They waited too long. Despite my pleas, despite the constant phone calls attesting to the urgency of the matter from my midwife, birth center, and the doctors affiliated with the birth center, the hospital dragged their feet for too long.

The morning of June 29, 2012 (4 days before my ultrasound appointment), I woke up and was not greeted by Riley's usual kicks. I called the high risk doctor and *magically* they were suddenly able to get me in for an immediate ultrasound at the hospital.

I drove there in a daze. Ryan and I held hand while we waited. They hooked up the Doppler belt. I will never forget the whooshing sound of them sliding it around my stomach searching for a heart that was no longer beating. The nurse left after telling us that they were going to bring in the ultrasound equipment. I shook my head and told Ryan with tearful eyes, "That?s not a good sign." I already knew he was gone. I was just waiting to hear the words. I got them a minute later, after the ultrasound revealed Riley lying still for the very first time.

"Unfortunately, we weren't able to find a heartbeat. Your baby has died. I'm so sorry."

They left the room as Ryan and I clung to one another and broke down. The 3rd bad thing had happened. I had lost my father, my sister, and my son, all in a span of 13 months. I told Ryan that I never wanted to try again. That I couldn't go through this again. We agreed not to see Riley, that we didn't want to have the image of him dead in our minds. I learned later that Ryan only said he agreed to make me feel better.

The terror of the situation sunk in. I had to deliver him. My grandmother had delivered a stillborn girl in the 50s. She had recalled how horrible it was to deliver while listening to other babies crying. Babies that hadn't died. Remembering those words, I asked the nurse whether they could just knock me out because I was petrified of facing the absolute cruelty of delivering my dead son. She informed me that it wasn't possible and told me I had two choices - go to Labor & Delivery to be induced right then, or go home and schedule to do it within 2 weeks if my body didn't go into labor on its own.

I decided to do it then. The thought of going home with him still dead in my belly was more than I could bear. The word DEAD was on repeat, thundering through my mind. Not passed away" or "sleeping" or any other way of lessening the pain. Riley had died. Riley was dead.

They took me upstairs, put me in a room, and - despite my argument that Cytotec was never intended for inducing labor, that it was created for ulcers and can cause uterine rupture / death of the mother and child - they informed me that it was my only option. The resident said, "well, that's what we use here. The main worry with Cytotec is the safety of the baby, but since he has already died... The other side effects are very rare." She shut down my concerns and basically told me that, if I didn't like it, I could go home. I laid back and waited while they jammed the Cytotec tabs inside me. Since they can't use any lubricants with that drug, and since I was so dry, it was a very painful, lengthy procedure.

When they finished and left, I told my husband to take the opportunity to run outside for a cigarette. He didn't want to leave my side, but I told him that I knew he was hurting, too. I told him I knew he needed a cigarette and I would have smoked one right then if I could have (I hadn't smoked at all since before I found out I was pregnant). I told him that it was likely to be his last chance for a while. Reluctantly, he left the room.

Within a minute, as if she took the opportunity to catch me alone, a woman doctor entered the room. I didn't even recognize her at first. It wasn't until she asked timidly, "Are you okay with me being here?" that it hit me. This was the high risk doctor - another resident - the same one that had ignored the pleas for me to get my ultrasound sooner than 11 freaking days after a problem was made known to her. I remember just glaring at her in response to her question and ignoring her when she asked, "Did they say what might have caused it?"

In my mind, I was shrieking. Seriously? You seriously come in and ask that after ignoring the fact that my son was in danger? After neglecting to put me on steroids to develop his lungs, on hospitalized bed rest to monitor his health, and scheduling a c-section so that he would still be alive??? I was positively seething. She could tell, as she took a few steps back in the interest of self-preservation. But then, just to add insult to injury, she hits me with this gem...

"I needed to come in to tell you that they put too much Cytotec inside of you. We need to get it out immediately."

That's right. They gave me double what is considered to be a "safe" dosage... after I had told them my concerns about the dangers of the drug.

I threw the covers off, spread my legs, and cursed at her in a way that would surely offend several people reading this now. I remember saying, "You should have LED with that!!! Get it OUT of me!!!"

A cowering nurse - the very same one that had helped overdose me - raced in then to assist. Apparently she had been waiting by the door. They didn't have enough fluid on hand to flush me out, so they drew it right from the IV bag I was connected to. Several minutes of painful, non-lubricated hand insertions later, they produced a few globs of melted down tabs. Before racing out the door, they told me that they would now have to wait 4 hours (to see how my body was going to react to the overdose) before trying again. Neither of them made another appearance before shift change.

Ryan walked in a minute after they had left the room. When I told him what had happened, he said, "I knew I shouldn't have left you alone!"

We got a nicer nurse after shift change. Realizing that we had not eaten all day, she helped us order some food up to the room. I told Ryan that I wanted to pretend for a little while that we were just at a hotel ordering room service. We tried to distract one another with light conversation, but it didn't last long.

2 bites into dinner, 3 hours after the Cytotec had been administered, my water broke. As my fluid level was so extremely high, it flooded the bed. I was horrified. I told Ryan to go sit by the window and enjoy his dinner, that we'd paid good money for that fried chicken and someone damned well better get to enjoy it if I couldn't. I was still keeping things light at that point.

The nurse checked me and I was less than a centimeter dilated. I said, "Can you call the anesthesiologist? I get the feeling that this is going to go really fast." She didn't call. A few minutes later, the contractions started. But instead of being in my stomach, the pain was all in my hips and back. And instead of going through the normal stages of labor, I went right into active labor / transition. There was no break in the contractions. They didn't even wait a minute between. This nightmare had just changed into something even worse. Instead of a delivery, it was now a violent ejection.

I literally begged for an epidural. The anesthesiologist was in surgery, they told me. He wasn't coming. The nurse gave me a shot of morphine in my IV instead. It did nothing, other than remove my ability to stay quiet. I screamed for 30 minutes that it was too fast, it was all wrong, it was too painful, it felt like my hips were breaking... I just wanted to get up and rock my hips, to move with the contractions. Instead, I had to stay on my back, shrieking, rocking from side to side and gripping the bed rail in agony. Ryan felt powerless to help me, but he stayed right beside me, holding my hand and smoothing my hair.

The nurses kept shouting at me to stop screaming, to calm down, to slow my breathing. They thought I was just panicked and overreacting to the pain. They thought this would go on for hours. In addition to the first shot of morphine, they gave me 2 shots of Demerol in my IV in the course of a few minutes. No one was at the foot of the bed yet and it felt like Riley was already coming out. Before the Demerol shots had even kicked in, I crossed my legs and screamed that I had to push. The nurses looked at one another in absolute shock and I knew that they were completely unprepared. They checked me and I was already crowning.

In 40 minutes, I had gone from less than one centimeter to crowning. I don't know if that was due to the Cytotec overdose, the fact that he was only 3 lbs, 16 inches and my water breaking so forcefully had pushed him down the birth canal, or if I can expect to have lightning fast deliveries in the future. Whatever the cause, it was a time record.

The room turned into chaos. Nurses were yelling and racing around, shouting over the intercom, "We need a doctor in here NOW!!!" Doctors rushed in. Ryan and a nurse were holding my legs. I just couldn't stop screaming.

The nurse grabbed my face, told me that I needed to calm down or I would pass out, and then said quietly, "You need to push this baby out."

I cried and shook my head. I kept saying, "no, no, no, no..." as if I had a choice, as if I could avoid delivering him and facing the fact that he had died. The shots were starting to hit me and, despite not dulling the pain, they were making it difficult for me to focus or keep my eyes open.

She nodded and said, "It's the only way the pain is going to stop. Now, I know this is a terrible situation and I am so...SO sorry that this is all happening to you, but I need you to push."

I stopped crying. For some reason, the absolute sincerity of her words snapped me out of my blind terror. Instead of yelling at me to calm down or barking orders at me (as she and others had done moments earlier when they thought I was overreacting), someone had finally acknowledged what I was going through.

I delivered my son, Riley, and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him, let alone hold him. Despite us making it clear that Ryan would not be cutting the cord, they still asked. We both said no - though I shouted it, angry that they were making a terrible situation even worse. They immediately began pushing on my stomach and reaching inside of me to get the afterbirth out. I pleaded with them to give me a few minutes to rest first, but the umbilical cord had apparently retracted back inside of me when they cut it. When they were finished, the room rapidly emptied. Everyone offered an "I'm sorry" as they disappeared.

My baby was just beyond frosted glass in a warmer in my room, not fifteen feet from the bed, but I couldn't bear to get up to go see him.

Thankfully, the hospice lady came in and asked me whether they could bathe him, dress him, and take pictures of him. I liked that option. I was not in the right frame of mind to see him, I didn't know if I would ever be brave enough to look at the pictures, but I would always have the option.

She told me that Riley had jet-black, beautiful hair (like his Daddy). Ryan said he knew, that he had seen his son. I looked up at him in amazement. He told me that he had watched Riley being delivered and had gone in to be with him when they placed him in the warmer. I couldn't recall a time when he hadn't been by my side, but he had managed to be with both of us. He said that he had wanted to know what Riley looked like - and as a bonus, he would know whether it would be too traumatic for me to look. He said that Riley was small, but otherwise fine - that you just expected him to start crying at any moment.

They came and asked if I wanted an autopsy performed on Riley. I couldn't even bring myself to consider it. I have watched autopsy videos in school. The thought of them doing any of that to my precious, fragile, little boy was too much. Hadn't Riley been through enough? Hadn't we all been through enough? Why was this happening to us? Why was the world being so inconceivably cruel? They offered us options of where to be transferred. We chose the antepartum unit. At least there, we wouldn't hear other people delivering their healthy, living babies.

Ryan stopped in the doorway as they wheeled me out of the room. The nurse stopped and asked him what was wrong. He stared at the warmer and said, "It just feels like we're forgetting something important..."

My heart was breaking for him. He was suffering, but trying to stay so strong for me. We got to our new room and Ryan managed to fall asleep. That night was awful. I couldn't sleep at all. Every time I nodded off, the delivery came screaming back to my mind and I would jerk myself awake, thinking that I was still pushing. By 5:30 am, I woke Ryan up and told him that I was too scared to be alone. I spent the next 5 hours begging to be released. All I wanted was to go home, lie in my own bed, and spend the rest of my life crying. They finally let me go home and we stopped along the way to buy cigarettes and a very large bottle of wine (the first of many).

The second day home, while drunk at 6:00 am, I realized something. Despite my initial insistence that I was never going to risk it, I was actually willing to try again. This whole horrifying ordeal had not changed the fact that I was ready to be a mother, that we were ready to be parents. I would let myself grieve as long and as hard as I needed to. Then, after the 6 week postpartum break, we would let nature take its course. I felt a sense of peace and decided that I was ready to face Riley. I woke Ryan up and told him that I wanted to look at the pictures and go through the memory box the hospice lady had given us. I cried and memorized Riley's little face, imagined the life he had been robbed of.

The first week home is a blur of grief. I spent it chain-smoking, drinking, and crying on the phone to my best friends and sisters-in-law (one of which had a stillborn daughter 4 years ago). I talked and cried until I slept, then woke up and talked and cried more. For me, this was a huge accomplishment. I hadn't allowed myself to properly grieve for my father or my sister. I hadn't let myself cry or share what I was feeling. Instead, I had focused on what needed to be done to care for my family. I was always the "strong one," even when I longed for someone else to carry that title. This time, I wore my shattered heart on my sleeve for the entire world to see.

After a week, I didn't feel like drinking anymore. Typically, I only have a drink a couple times a year. This had been an emergency. And, were it not for the wine, I likely would not have let myself open up. The hospital had told me that, if the grief was too much, I could get on antidepressants. I figured, why take a pill to mask the pain, when I could drink and immerse myself in it? Not fight it, but embrace it and learn to live with it. I was supposed to be hurting - I had just lost my son!

Since we opted out of the autopsy, we didn't get a definitive cause...though autopsies on stillborns typically only result in a definitive answer less than 40% of the time. They did find that I only had a 2 vessel cord - which didn't show up on any of my numerous ultrasounds. They also found that I had been exposed to someone with Parvovirus B19 - but it had happened very recently, as my body was still creating the antibodies for it. Nothing definitive there, either, as parvovirus exposure is typically only a danger to a baby during the first trimester. I haven't picked up Riley's death certificate yet to see what the doctors listed as his cause of death. In all honesty, it will just be a guess.

We had Riley cremated and his ashes are in an urn on my dresser, next to his picture and memory box. I miss him every single day. I wish he could have stayed with us, but I've accepted that he is gone. I do take comfort knowing that my family is watching over him that my Dad finally gets to be a Grandpa and tell Riley stories about when he was a firefighter. I know that when I die, I will be with him.

But I'm still alive. And Riley deserves siblings. My children will know that they have a big brother as an angel watching over them.

I am officially pregnant again. I just found out today and I am due on May 14, 2013. I know I will be a nervous wreck for the entirety of this pregnancy, but I'm okay with that. It will all be worth it when I am holding a screaming, pink, pudgy-cheeked little baby in my arms. And this experience has guaranteed that I will never forget - even if my kids draw all over the walls, stain the carpet, shave the dog, or scratch the car - that I am blessed with every single breath they take.

jess8788 · September 2012

wow your story made me cry. you are going to be an amazing mother. you are so strong and i pray that you and your husband get your take home baby. try to stay positive.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Your story is amazing, you are such a strong woman to share that with us, and I'm so sorry for your loss of Riley, your father, and your sister. You have endured so much in such a short amount of time.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy, and welcome to the board! This board is full of amazing women who will support you throughout your pregnancy, you are definitely in great company here.

Mom2anAngel2 · September 2012

I am so sorry for all of your losses! Your amazing story brought back some of the pain of my induction and I am still fighting back the tears. Congrats on your new pregnancy! I am wishing you a H&H 9 months.

pb&fluff · September 2012

Oh my gosh. I am so, so sorry you went through that. Everything. I can imagine being scared to be pregnant again. Congratulations, though. I wish you the best!

JulesDiane · September 2012

I am so sorry about the loss of your sister, your father, and Riley. I can not imagine. Wishing you a very happy and healthy 9 months!! ((HUGS))

ilenegrace · September 2012

First let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your son Riley. Your story is absolutely heartbreaking.

Congratulations on your current pregnancy! So happy for you! Praying this is a very healthy uneventful 9mos ahead!

mollywobbles13 · September 2012

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father, sister, and your son Riley. I am also very sorry that the horrible situation was made even worse at the hospital. You sound like an amazingly strong woman! Welcome to this amazing board. The women here are an amazing support system.

jbranden12 · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is so very familiar, we lost our Patricia at 31 weeks except that we had no indication anything was wrong. As you mentioned is often the case, our autopsy was inconclusive.

Congratulations and welcome to the board, I hope you can find some support here. If you havent yet, please check out the Loss board. Both this board and that one have amazing women who can support you during this time.

Chocodoxies · September 2012

I have not cried that hard in years. Thank you for sharing your story. You have to be one of the strongest people ever. Welcome here, we are fortunate to have you. I hope you have a happy and healthy and very boring 9 months.

Regne · September 2012

I am so sorry you went through such a heartbreaking experience. All of my T&P are with you and DH for a healthy 9 months with this pregnancy. Welcome to the PGAL board.

StephRN23 · September 2012

I am so sorry for your loss of Riley and your dad and sister. I wish you nothing but the best with this pregnancy!

MauLoaM0M · September 2012

I am so very sorry for your losses!!! Congrats on your BFP!

Rosebean · September 2012

I have absolute chills reading your story. I am so sorry for the loss of Riley. I pray that you and your DH gain some sense of peace during this pregnancy and that your LO will be sticky. Big hugs.

orangegoggles · September 2012

I am so sorry for all that you have been through and for all of your losses. You sound like a strong woman and I am so happy to welcome you to the board.

tetiananina · September 2012

I am so sorry for all 3 of your losses, for loosing Riley when you were trying to get help sooner. I am sure this pregnancy will not be easy but each day you become more and more pregnant I hope your pain eases just a little. Know that you have 3 Angels watching over you. I am sending you lots of prayers and look forward to great updates.

monica92603 · September 2012

What a truly amazing and brave story. So many similarities to what I too had to write just over 3 years ago. I am so so sorry for your loss. After our devestating loss on July 20, 2009, I just 2 weeks ago delivered my second rainbow baby. It is so hard and heartbreaking and sometimes confusing but you are right that life does go on. I'm sending you so many thoughts and prayers and look forward to reading about this journey to your rainbow baby. Congrats on your pregnancy and I wish you peace for the next H&H 9 months.

kelly321 · September 2012

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope that this time around you can find some supportive doctors who will listen to you, take your concerns seriously, and do everything in their power to ensure that you can bring home a healthy baby in May.

psychmajormom · September 2012

::::lurking from TTCAL:::: I read your story and teared up. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Riley. Congratulations on being pregnant again, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. ((((huge hugs))))

weddedwife · September 2012

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Riley! And for the losses of your Dad and sister as well, especially within such a short period of time. You have been through an immense amount of pain and I think everything you are feeling is justified.

I'm so glad you introduced yourself and shared your story. Please know that you are in good company here and amongst people who can relate to your fears and frustrations. Being pregnant after any loss is hard, but especially after a late loss. Please know we're here to support you in any way we can.

On a side note, have you visited the Loss board? The ladies over there are wonderful and were truly a huge help to me after my loss.

Huge (((hugs))) and welcome to the board. I hope everything goes smoothly for you this time around.

SunshinyLees · September 2012

Lurking from ttcal....

I am still crying reading your story. I am so very sorry for everything you've been through, so heartbreaking. Congratulations on your bfp and I'll be praying that you have a nice easy pregnancy.(((hugs))) Lees xx

4legsRbest · September 2012

I am so very sorry for your losses! I know there aren't words that are comforting for all that you have lost but you, your DH Riley and new LO are in my t&ps. Welcome to the board and congratulations on your pregnancy. Huge hugs!

benoitfan · September 2012

Oh, these words just don't seem signficant enough after all you have been through, but I am so incredibly, terribly sorry for the loss of your Riley and for the whole horrible ordeal you went through delivering him. That has to be every woman's worst nightmare. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. It brought tears to my eyes and re-inforced my feelings that if I feel something isn't right that I need to follow my gut, make a big stink and get it looked into. You did everything right for your precious son and no one would listen, I am so sorry. Your story with Riley will help other moms-to-be to be stronger advocates for their babies and hopefully prevent another tragedy like yours.

You are incredibly strong and brave. Congrats on your BFP. I hope you have a very happy and healthy 9m and that your pregnancy and delivery are as absolutely boring as they come. I also hope you will be seeing a different high risk doc from the get go, just to give you some peace of mind as you progress through this pregnancy.

Big time ((HUGS)) to you. I have never been in your shoes, but there are some late loss ladies on this board who have been. We will all be here for you whenever you need us.

luvmyducks · September 2012

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beautiful Riley and the horrible experience that came with it.

Congrats on your pg and welcome to the board.

irishbaby0708 · September 2012

I'm in tears for all the heart ache you have endured. I am sorry for all your losses. Congratulations on your Pregnancy!!

SockMonkeySam · September 2012

Wow your story brought tears to my eyes, and brought me back to when I had to deliver my twins in 2010. The heartbreak your husband felt is the same I saw on my mother and husbands face. Tragety hit us again in Jan 2011, when my 3 month old rainbow baby was taken from us by the neglience of a in home daycare. I still close my eyes and see him laying on the table cold with tubes in his mouth.

I often wondered, how can I do this again, creamated 3 children and one M/C maybe I'm not meant to be a mom. My heart hurts for you but happy to see that you faught thru the pain enugh to know that you will survive even if it's just alitte.

I wish you all the best in your pregnancy.

LoveOfMikesLife · September 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had a still born and remember like it was yesterday the feelings your describe. Your story has me in tears, for your loss and my own. I'm so sorry (( hugs))

As for doing it again, it's hard! I now have my rainbow but it was a long road to get there. This board is GREAT for support. And I'm guessing that you are high risk AND using a different high risk doctor. Find a dr you trust and explain the entire thing. Push for extra monitoring and to be watched much closer. That's about all you can do. It's a very emotional road we walk.

Also, have you looked into some sort of law suite? It sounds like you might have some sort of negligence case, not that it would bring your baby back, but to work that no one else is put in a situation like yours. Especially because your first dr was pushing so hard that you be seen quickly.

Again I'm so sorry.

prestonsmomma · September 2012

LoveOfMikesLife:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I too had a still born and remember like it was yesterday the feelings your describe. Your story has me in tears, for your loss and my own. I'm so sorry (( hugs))
As for doing it again, it's hard! I now have my rainbow but it was a long road to get there. This board is GREAT for support. And I'm guessing that you are high risk AND using a different high risk doctor. Find a dr you trust and explain the entire thing. Push for extra monitoring and to be watched much closer. That's about all you can do. It's a very emotional road we walk.

Also, have you looked into some sort of law suite? It sounds like you might have some sort of negligence case, not that it would bring your baby back, but to work that no one else is put in a situation like yours. Especially because your first dr was pushing so hard that you be seen quickly.

Again I'm so sorry.

I was pretty much going to say the exact same thing. I am so sorry for what happened to Riley. I remember what 2 months out feels like. Hang in there and congratulations on your new pregnancy.

blessedhope · September 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Riley. I am a late loss mama too. If you ever want to talk just pm me.

folding · September 2012

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story. You really are an amazing writer and your words truly touched me. I am so sorry for your loss and am praying that everything go well for you with your new pregnancy. You are stronger than you think, and you have inspired me greatly today.

AlishaPreggo2012 · September 2012

Thank you all sooooo much for your condolences and kind words. I was totally surprised by how many responses my post received! While I'm not thankful that there are so many of us on this board that have suffered through loss, I am extremely thankful to see the size of our support system here

BTW, sorry for the delayed response. It took me this long to figure out how to get my iPad to post on here LOL My original post was written on my iPad, then sent to my PC to post (hence the weird layout).

AprilI12886 · January 2013

Hi all,

I went through the exact same horriffic situation as you. It is almost disturbing how similar our stories are. It was August 13th, 2012 when we lost our Son Jett at 33 weeks as well. I had too much amniotic fluid and the doctors did not monitor me like they should have. Basically, my son passed away for no reason because had I been monitored and a c-section would have been performed then I would have Jett today. He was adorable, and much like Riley he had beautiful, black hair as well. Even though I still can not understand why this happened to My husband and me, I didn't want to give up trying to have a baby. Well I found out New Years Eve,12/31/12 that I am pregnant again! God has blessed us again! But I have to be honest I am terrified and my anxiety is so high. I am glad I found this board because I need support to stay positive through this experience. One thing I remember a family member saying to me when we lost our son, is that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I truly believe this and I am just hoping to be able to hold my beautiful, healthy baby this summer! If there is any advice that anyone can give me on how to stay positive, and enjoy this experience like I should, please let me know. Thank you!!!

jelero · January 2013

Wow, I am so sorry for all the losses that you've endured; especially that of Riley. You are an incredibly strong woman and I appreciate that you were able to share your story with us. Congratulations on your new pregnancy. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy with a beautiful rainbow baby.

panacea05 · January 2013

I've been on these loss boards for over a year now, and I've read a lot of gut-wrenching stories?but this is, hands down, the hardest I've ever cried while reading one.

I hate what happened to you so much. I can't believe you weren't seen ASAP, despite your midwife's pleas. I'm disgusted, and I'm so, so sorry.

I hope this pregnancy is perfect and that you get to take Riley's baby brother or sister home with you in May. You're going to be an amazing mother. You already are.

Welcome to the board.

ajustice25 · February 2013

Hi Alisha,my name is Alicia also im 23 yrs old and if I wasn't mistaken i wldve thought this was my story being told..the exact same thing happened to me and my husband..it's seems like a script that the doctors and nurses say to you when they're trying to tell you "your baby died"..this is truly the worst feeling in the world.thing is I went into labor at 38 weeks,water broke and everything by itself. It's when I was admitted and they were doing the heart monitor over my belly,that swooshing noise,you just expect to hear your baby's heartbeat but nothing..I feel for you..I'm still grieving. It'll be a month that my daughter passed on February 10th..god bless you and your pregnancy now.hopefully when I'm ready,I can have another baby..lord knows ill give anything to be pregnant again..

caden1206 · April 2013

You are so brave for sharing this with everyone. Thank you. I know from the BMB that you are doing well and I just pray that continues and you get your rainbow baby.

pkaren · April 2013

Sometimes I hate how much pain there is for some to endure, it just doesn't seem fair. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, they are each heartbreaking. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

dawnie8184 · June 2013

Lurking from TTCAL....

Your story is heartbreaking but your strength is amazing. Congrats on your BFP and I wish you a Hh 9 months.

JulyMomma2U2 · July 2013

* Lurking *

My heart breaks for you.. you are such a strong woman, and I am SO so sorry for the loss of your precious Riley. I hope so much that you and your DH will get to meet your rainbow baby.

(((Huge hugs))).

amberpro · July 2013

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine the strength it took to put all of that into words. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for your losses and all you've been through.

Congratulations on this wonderful news, now This board has some amazing ladies on it and I know they will bring you so much support as you go through this pregnancy!

Lovenyc · October 2013

Your story left me in tears. I will pray for you, your husband and your new little one on the way. Hang onto the hope that all will be well this time. You are a very gifted writer. Have you ever tried blogging or writing?

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